Just need some insight

So I’ve never used forums or I guess even talked much about breakups or even wanted girls that have left me back but this is different. So about 2 years ago I met a girl and we fell in love almost instantly. It was just one of those connections. I’ve struggled with alcohol for many years due to tragedies I’ve endured. And it wasn’t until I met her that I questioned my life or my future. I began contemplating my drinking. I wanted to quit and be better for her. She had gotten pregnant prior to us dating but the guy wanted nothing to do with the child. So I assumed the position however now that I was trying to be sober but failing I wasn’t around much. During the 2 years of our relationship I wasn’t either in treatment or prison or jail due to my drinking for only 7 months of that but each time I would go away or mess up she’d need a little space for about a month or so then we’d be talking and she was totally committed to my sobriety and me getting better but I let her down over and over. I never cheated or stole from her but I would just go on benders after being sober for a month or two and abandon all my responsibilities as a boyfriend or a dad and I’d be right back where I started with her being hurt and finally I went away to prison for some time due to my drinking and she stuck by me through it all once again. Totally committed to me and us and I got out again and stayed sober for a solid 2 months before I again went on a bender and lost my job and disappeared and ignored her for like 5 days. After that I knew I needed to do something so I checked myself into a transition center, started taking some counseling for my mental health and put myself on a once a month injection of a medication that prevents me from physically drinking. During the 6 weeks I was in the treatment we didn’t talk much but she said this time it was a real breakup not like the fake ones before and I knew that but during the time I was gone she had been on a couple dates with a guy. Told me it was just a way she felt she could cope with the heartbreak. Putting herself out there. She claimed it was nothing even remotely serious. It hurt but I assumed that it wasn’t anything to worry about. I got done and on my feet and I’m still in counseling and surrounded myself with sober people and we do sober activities and then I messaged her and she said all she wants is to be with me and have a future with me and marriage and more kids and all the works but she can’t trust that I can’t stay sober because I’ve let her down so much. She said I need to build a sober life for at least a year before she’d even consider coming back to me. I understand that. I guess idk know what I’m even asking. I suppose are there any females out there who could shed some light on what she could possibly be thinking? Like this sobriety is finally for me and regardless of her I’m going to continue down this sober path but could there be any truth to what she said about needing to see real sustained sobriety before she takes me back and if so how is it that she’s seeing someone if she does have any reservations for being with me? I guess I just don’t understand. Her mindset in this. Part of me just thinks she’s telling me all that just as another way of coping but knowing that she has no intention of coming back. Kinda like keeping me on the back burner because of our very real connection just in case this guy or another turns out to not share one with her. She is very much the love of my life and she’s assured me that it’s mutual. Any insight or advice on the topic would be greatly appreciated.

Wall of text. Break it up into paragraphs please.

She probably looked into Al-Anon and read advice on there.

You know she's right about the year of sobriety. This is key for your recovery and continued sobriety.

You seem to know the answer both for yourself and her. Stay on a sober path. Make sure you have ample support and build up a life around non drinking people and activities. Go to meetings, therapists, whatever works for you. Fits and starts of drinking, stopping, drinking is not being sober.

she can’t trust that I can’t stay sober because I’ve let her down so much. She said I need to build a sober life for at least a year before she’d even consider coming back to me.

Please break this into paragraphs then I will read it.

Sorry but you have years of treatment/counseling/meetings ahead of you before you could even be stable enough to take on a marriage or raising children. I grew up with a family of alcoholics, and I know there will be many challenges, struggles, and failures to come. And stopping the drinking is only a small portion you need to work on. It's the reasons why you drink, what triggers it, it's about learning to cope with life's problems without turning to alcohol. Just because you spent a little time in treatment, doesn't mean you are ready and she knows this. Maybe at first she thought it was still on the table, but she's thinking otherwise now. Maybe she doesn't want to announce it that all bets are off, but that you will figure it out on your own. Sadly these are one of the many things you will face, and that is the loss of relationships, friendships, rejection, struggles, etc. You have a very tough road ahead.

As somebody who hasn’t had a drink or a drug in over eight years I heard something you said that made me really happy for you: “regardless of her I’m going to continue down this sober path...” If you can do the inner work to get comfortable in your sobriety no matter what the current circumstances of your life look like, then opportunities better than anything you could have dreamed for yourself will make themselves available for you...including relationships.

The common advice around 12 step programs is don’t make any major relationship changes for a year (i.e. don’t start a serious relationship if you’re not in one) but nobody really knows if that’s good advice because nobody’s ever tried it 😉

Good luck on your path my friend...my life (including my love life) got SO MUCH BIGGER when I quit drinking...may you find your own release and inner peace.

she said all she wants is to be with me and have a future with me and marriage and more kids and all the works but she can’t trust that I can’t stay sober because I’ve let her down so much. She said I need to build a sober life for at least a year before she’d even consider coming back to me....

 

this sobriety is finally for me and regardless of her I’m going to continue down this sober path but could there be any truth to what she said ...

Sounds true to me. None of us have met her so we don't really know, but why would she lie? She said if you got yourself sorted out, she'd consider it. No promises, no false expectations.

Anyway, the important bit is the part of your post I highlighted above.

Your life is going to get better because you are toughing this out.

If she ever decides she wants try again, it will be a bonus, but its a win/win situation.

Good luck with the program, and keep up the good work!

This all has helped a ton in terms of putting everything into a better perspective thank you guys. And smackie9 I haven’t don’t just a little bit of treatment. For the last decade I’ve struggled with drinking and have been in about 9 treatments and done a total of 4 years in prison. My first 2 when I was 18 due to my drinking. Alcohol has just taken and taken and taken from me but it was until I met her that I realized that I was LETTING it take from me. It was when I met her that I realized I wanted better for myself. It was when I met her that I began actually fighting. And it is/was a struggle but I had so much treatment knowledge and prison and tragedy at an early age that I don’t doubt for a second that all I’ve encountered up to this point wasn’t enough. It was. Alcohol has taken everything from me. I was the alcoholic that drowned his pain. I drank hair spray, hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, whatever, just to drown the pain. For years. Then I met her and I decided it was time. That I was done. But it wasn’t quite that easy. It was a 2 year longer series of tries and fails until now. I finally addressed the issues in my head that led me to drink that occurred when I was 18.

I’ve lost countless friends, family, girlfriends, jobs, places to live due to my drinking. I knew the tragedies that happened to me when I was 18 ed my head up but for a decade I drowned it all out and maintained this meager existence of drinking and losing people and wearing out my welcome and migrating thinking that would help. I’ve done countless counseling, treatments, meetings over the years but nothing quite drowned the pain like booze so I stuck to that. It was her that made me realize that I wanted a life. A FUTURE. So I tried finding healthy ways and actually taking the treatments seriously. Not saying I’ve struggled the most but believe me I’ve struggled. At my own hands and by my own decisions.

“Part of me just thinks she’s telling me all that just as another way of coping but knowing that she has no intention of coming back. Kinda like keeping me on the back burner because of our very real connection just in case this guy or another turns out to not share one with her. “

She is definitely not keeping you as a back up guy!!! A back up guy is generally someone you aren’t that interested in but know is stable.

You don’t fit that!! Not yet anyway.

You need to give her that year space and use the time to better yourself , remain sober through adversities , hold down a job and start enjoying a sober life not just enduring it.

She absolutely should continue dating because so far you have not proven yourself to her. And she has so far not been given reason as to why she should wait. That’s fair, right?

You need to remove her from your focus at this point. She may or may not meet another that she wants to pursue a relationship with.

But all you can do at this point is focus on your end goal , sobriety.

You will if you continue on this path , find a good relationship. It might be this girl or another. But either way you have to press on without this girl in mind.

Good luck!!!

It makes no sense to expect someone to put their own life on hold to wait for another to sober up. She didn't have to tell you her hopes for the two of you in the future, but that doesn't mean she's assigned herself to house arrest in the meantime.

If she's still available on the other side of your sober year, then maybe she'll consider catching up with you. Unless and until then, you're not really in any position insist on answers.

Sober first, ask questions later.

You made the first step: acknowledging that you have a problem and need help. I too dealt with alcohol issues as I had an alcoholic parent. My drinking never got me in legal trouble but I know what it's like to drink. I've been sober for over a year now.

If she took the time to write you and offer you a second chance, I feel waiting one year would be more than worth it. You have to remember that your drinking was hard on her and I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't be as forgiving as she sounds. You should stay sober regardless if you decide to get back with her or not as you clearly can't control your drinking.