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No Contact Question


dr_loomis7

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Hello all,

I tend to come here whenever I go through a breakup and well, here I am again. Recently had a breakup in which my girlfriend dumped me because she said she felt "overwhelmed" in the relationship. We had foolishly started dating right after she got out of a long term relationship and she said she wanted to try to find things that interested her and she felt like she was living for other people. Yes I know what this code for and there were other things in the relationship which we both did that led to this; I'm trying to work on my part so that isn't the question.

 

Right now I'm giving her space and have not called, emailed, texted, etc. in almost 2 weeks and unfriended her on facebook. One of our mutual friends met with her and gave me the details from her side (most of which I already knew). One thing that was mentioned was how I unfriended her. He said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup. I took it as a breakup, but never clarified what was happening. Looking back at the last message I sent her, it sounded like I was closing the door on any future reconciliation but that is not the case, I'd love to work it out with her. So my question is, how should I approach this? Should I stay with NC until a specific time, until she contacts me or try to reach out to clarify? My hope would be she'd reach out if/when she's ready but I don't want her to think there's no chance for reconciliation.

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TBH I feel you were a rebound, and all you did was help her to get over her ex. I think she was expecting you to be begging for her back, which would boost her ego and give her security that she can fall back on you if she needed to.

Finality worries people, and her worrying/disappointment is a good thing. She's the one that ended it, she needs to be the one to reach out for reconciliation. Cutting her off puts you in the drivers seat, not her. Get it? You are the winner here. I understand your initial reaction is that you must do something or you will lose opportunity, but that's not how these things work. She's the one that will feel if she doesn't do anything she will lose you.

IMO her thinking it was just a break and that you should be waiting around for her is pretty pretentious. I know you love her, but you need to show her you have value, and your own self worth to protect.

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I'd just simplify it and don't make things overcomplicated. Clarify with her what the deal is and put your pride/ego aside. The bottomline is you still care about her and want to be with her despite her feeling overwhelmed. Try not to use go-betweens and information mules (like this mutual friend) to do your dirty work getting the low down on what she thinks. Keep friends out of your personal(romantic) business.

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Hello all,

I tend to come here whenever I go through a breakup and well, here I am again. Recently had a breakup in which my girlfriend dumped me because she said she felt "overwhelmed" in the relationship. We had foolishly started dating right after she got out of a long term relationship and she said she wanted to try to find things that interested her and she felt like she was living for other people. Yes I know what this code for and there were other things in the relationship which we both did that led to this; I'm trying to work on my part so that isn't the question.

 

Right now I'm giving her space and have not called, emailed, texted, etc. in almost 2 weeks and unfriended her on facebook. One of our mutual friends met with her and gave me the details from her side (most of which I already knew). One thing that was mentioned was how I unfriended her. He said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup. I took it as a breakup, but never clarified what was happening. Looking back at the last message I sent her, it sounded like I was closing the door on any future reconciliation but that is not the case, I'd love to work it out with her. So my question is, how should I approach this? Should I stay with NC until a specific time, until she contacts me or try to reach out to clarify? My hope would be she'd reach out if/when she's ready but I don't want her to think there's no chance for reconciliation.

"You don't want her to think there's no chance for reconciliation". You likely made her feel that way by your actions. You unfriended her. You likely went to far when she said she felt overwhelmed and got a little passive/aggressive. But after you found out her point of view from your actions, you realized you went too far and now you want to try to get her back. Sometimes you lose when you let your emotions get the best of you. But I wouldn't break N/C. If she wants to reach out to you, let her. And apologize or say whatever you want then.

 

She seems like she told you she was getting overwhelmed and needed a break. You got pissed off and cranked it up to 11 probably to see how much she really cared. Girls will think this is a game.

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in almost 2 weeks

 

No contact means no contact from you. And it means forever if she never gets in touch.

 

There is no 30 day rule or 2 month rule, or any of that stuff slick salespeople on the internet use to separate broken-hearted people from their money.

 

No contract includes not having friends reporting to you - which is a form of (indirect) contact, just like posting things on social media hoping she'll see them, etc.

 

And who says she is really confused about what happened? I'm going to assume she is not stupid and guessed you were getting a report, so maybe she dangled some breadcrumbs to try and keep you on the hook.

 

You need to ask yourself this question and answer honestly:

 

"Am I just trying to find some rational justification to contact her because I'm hoping she'll change her mind if I do?"

 

If you break no contact, you go backwards. You undo a lot of the good that sticking to no contact does you. And it's only been

 

And she broke it off, so you owe her nothing. She pressed the eject button and left you dangling in space while her plane flew away. Her "confusion" is not your problem.

 

As smackie said, it looks like a rebound situation. She needs to work through the grief of her previous breakup before she starts a new one.

 

If she ever wants to reconcile with you, she knows where to find you.

 

Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt, but you are better off doing nothing than making a mistake.

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She dumped you.

She considered it a break not a break up in case she needed to fall back on you because right now since she didn’t grieve her last breakup , that is what she is doing now.

And she’s a bit miffed that you removed her safety net.

 

Do not contact her and stop listening to things other people say she said.

If she actually genuinely wanted you to hear her , she would call you.

 

She isn’t interested in a reconciliation.

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A break & a breakup are the SAME THING. You are either together working to fix what's wrong or you are apart. There is no time off

 

Since she initiated the break up she has to be the one to reach out to fix it. Since you have wisely severed contact, if you really want to talk to can probably use this mutual friend who relayed info about her to you to let her know that you would be open to talking if she's serious about reconciling. However, she has already proved herself to be immature & unsuited to a relationship based on her claims of feeling overwhelmed & opting to bow out rather then communicate. Do you really want a life time of this?

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TBH I feel you were a rebound, and all you did was help her to get over her ex. .

 

- Yup.

 

 

Cutting her off puts you in the drivers seat, not her. Get it? You are the winner here. I understand your initial reaction is that you must do something or you will lose opportunity, but that's not how these things work. She's the one that will feel if she doesn't do anything she will lose you.

 

- Exactly. He who cuts contact first gets to be the rejector, in control, and feels better about the whole thing.

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No one is "in control" or driving anything, in this case. It's a sad case you and she identified as too much too soon for her. Pull back. It's fine to delete and block her and all her people, since she ended things. You are not obligated to sit on the sidelines while she "figures things out". Sadly that often means she's talking to the ex. At your own risk, don't block her from texting, but don't wait forever and certainly do not text her with "clarifications".

my girlfriend dumped me because she said she felt "overwhelmed" in the relationship. I took it as a breakup.
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I've been reading these but wanted to have a clear head before going through all of them. From what I gather, the consensus is it would be best for me to not reach out to her, which I can do. I did see her the other day. She was alone and I was with a group of friends. She left immediately after I got there and didn't even acknowledge me. It sucks to have to ignore her since she was such a big part of my life for the last few years but she made this decision and I have to live with it.

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I think in light of her reaction you need to let her go her own way. She dumped you but was hoping you would still be on the backburner pining for her. As she rebounded with you, chances are she will rebound from you. People who rebound can't handle being without a relationship. You should not be the fallback person for her. You deserve better.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I disagree with a lot of these later replies.

 

If you care about this girl, which you say you do, I don’t think it would hurt at all to reach out and say hi and tell her that you have missed her and hope she is OK. You could maybe ask her if she wants to talk and see if you could smoothen things out that have happened between you and her, and that you would like that.

 

I think that would be a kind and decent thing to do, because she may think that you are angry with her and that may be upsetting to her.

 

I’d say take your balls in your hands and make the first move. That’s why men have testosterone! :-)

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IMO: Contacting someone who broke up with you because she felt overwhelmed being in the relationship would be a very selfish thing to do. You don't fix someone being "overwhelmed" by overwhelming them with what YOU want.

 

I tend to come here whenever I go through a breakup and well, here I am again. Recently had a breakup in which my girlfriend dumped me because she said she felt "overwhelmed"

 

I suspect you let her know at the time of the break up that you didn't want to break up so: Its up to her to contact you if she is the one that did the breaking up.

 

It is up to you, Op to not hold onto hope that she will contact you with remorse and wanting to reconcile. Going no contact is the best way for you to be able to go forth without that hope when hope only stagnates you from getting over her. If she's wanting you back, she will let you know.

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We had foolishly started dating right after she got out of a long term relationship and she said she wanted to try to find things that interested her and she felt like she was living for other people.

 

You went on to say you guys have been together for years?

 

Looking back at the last message I sent her, it sounded like I was closing the door on any future reconciliation

 

To me, that could explain why she abruptly left when you ran into her in public. If I was merely just trying to have a breather and felt the other person closed the door on me, I would probably be embarrassed/hurt and avoid as well; unless I was particularly good at defining and articulating my feelings.

 

One thing that was mentioned was how I unfriended her. He said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup. I took it as a breakup, but never clarified what was happening.

 

What ended up happening with this? It's been almost a month since you posted. To me, it sounds like it could be poor communication and neither one of you knowing how to just be direct and clear. But the advice here is she was rebounding with you and is moving on. If she did move on, I wonder if it was because she thought you closed the door on her and made that decision for the both of you? I can also see the other side of the coin where it would make sense she was rebounding, felt trapped, and is off to explore what's out there but she lacks the strength to completely cut the bridge between the two of you.

 

Do you have an update?

 

 

(edit) oop, looked up his post history, looks like they ended. I'd love an update though, OP.

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If she did move on, I wonder if it was because she thought you closed the door on her and made that decision for the both of you?
@ OP: There is no good to be had at assuming anything of this sort. That kind of assuming and circular thinking will just keep you OCD thinking on this instead of just chalking it up as over because she felt overwhelmed and so she ended it. Its better that you just take things as they were told to you, accept them at face value and let your mind ease out of any conjectured explanations.
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@ OP: There is no good to be had at assuming anything of this sort. That kind of assuming and circular thinking will just keep you OCD thinking on this instead of just chalking it up as over because she felt overwhelmed and so she ended it. Its better that you just take things as they were told to you, accept them at face value and let your mind ease out of any conjectured explanations.

 

Is it an assumption when OP says:

 

One thing that was mentioned was how I unfriended her. He said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup. [..] Looking back at the last message I sent her, it sounded like I was closing the door on any future reconciliation but that is not the case, I'd love to work it out with her.

 

To me, it clearly states it right there. I will admit I get stuck in circular reasoning which is one of the reasons I have begun reading this message board, to try and figure out why my brain goes there and to learn how to think more appropriately.

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If she did move on, I wonder if it was because she thought you closed the door on her and made that decision for the both of you?
Yes, you wonder. Its not something you know... that is why I'm telling the Op to not heed such assumptions as gospel which will likely just keep him stagnating in wondering if he could still be with her. She left him in a lurch, feeling overwhelmed which means she isn't (wasn't) in a good place to be in a relationship with him. He did the right thing for his own emotional well being since no one (IMO) should be waiting around with bated breath for someone to figure themselves out. When two people are meant for one another then being "open to reconciliation" wouldn't be necessary because there wouldn't be a break or a breakup to reconcile.

 

Zero contact is the best way to move on when you (the general you) don't second guess what is in your own best interests.

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Yes, you wonder. Its not something you know...

 

So something like this, "he said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup," is basically just speculation leading to conjecture?

 

I don't understand why people can't just be opened and clear and honest in their intentions.

 

 

 

When two people are meant for one another then being "open to reconciliation" wouldn't be necessary because there wouldn't be a break or a breakup to reconcile.

 

In a perfect world, but we live in a world where people have issues. I know 2 couples who broke up for awhile, and got back together. One of the couples is going on 17 years of marriage.

 

Sorry if I took this thread off track!

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So something like this, "he said she seemed confused thinking it was a break and not a breakup," is basically just speculation leading to conjecture?
"She seemed" but it was never confirmed that she was. You saying "maybe" this or "maybe" that is also something not confirmed. Now, there is a possibility that the "seeming" and the "maybeing" are, but him thinking they are do nothing to help him stop OCD thinking on this.

 

I don't understand why people can't just be opened and clear and honest in their intentions.
Mostly because of fear of some kind I'd say.

 

 

 

 

 

In a perfect world, but we live in a world where people have issues. I know 2 couples who broke up for awhile, and got back together. One of the couples is going on 17 years of marriage.
Yes, there is always an exception to the rule.

 

Sorry if I took this thread off track!
I don't think you did. Everything we've both said could be helpful, if not to the Op then someone else perhaps but it was all on topic in any event.
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There is no good to be had at assuming anything of this sort.

 

Have you seen the Tarantino movie where Aldo the Apache (Brad Pitt) says something to the effect "I don't like fighting in a basement... because it involves fighting in a basement"?

 

The OP started with a paragraph about -

 

[1] the ex saying something (which may well have been not really truthful) to mutual friend who

 

[2] proceeded to translate/interpret it and tell the OP, which

 

[3] the OP has then interpreted in his own mind and produced a summary version here.

 

I strongly recommend OP, that you do not base anything you do now on third hand hearsay ... because it is third hand hearsay.

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