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Thread: My son is in love with a woman 20 years his senior

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Clio
    He has turned 21. He is an adult. It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do anymore. Trying to determine whether he was groomed sounds irrelevant at this point.

    You state that your son is an outlier. Trying to predict the future of an outlier using what is considered a "normal" range is unlikely to provide you with a sound conclusion. Blaming her for his career choices isn't useful nor necessarily accurate in my opinion. Look at the story of Emmanuel Macron. His relationship did not stop him from becoming the president of France.

    No-one would want their child, boy or girl, to get involved in such a scenario. However, it sounds like the time you could intervene has passed. At this point, it's probably best to step back and let the relationship run its course. There is still a very high probability that he will outgrow this relationship. If not, by then it will become no different than all these relationships where the man is 20 years older.
    Thank you for your well-thought-out reply. I agree with everything you've said. I suppose I'm just looking for some support. Just some unbiased input.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    The opportunity to intervene or influence him was when he was 13 thru 18. Not now.

    You've shared your views and it doesnt change anything. This one is out of your hands now.

    Its hard as parents to watch our children make choices we don't agree with. But this is his journey and his lesson. Be there to support him either way.

    My guess is it will run its course. Forbidden fruit kinda thing. Just be patient.

    If they make it for the long haul, then that would be a positive. The age doesnt matter to them. If they are happy, it shouldn't for you.
    Thank you. When he was 13 through 18 we as parents intervened as much as we could. I'm just wondering if we should have done more.

  3. #13
    They maintain they've been dating since he was 19. He lived at home till he was almost 18 and they probably weren't dating at that time. If they had been together there would be little we could legally do. We are in the UK and the age of consent is 16. This was a long struggle between us and our son. I just hope I did all a mother can do.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by missusAshley
    Thank you. When he was 13 through 18 we as parents intervened as much as we could. I'm just wondering if we should have done more.
    You chose to prioritize your son's liking/approving of you vs. his safety. i make these choices fairly often (my son is 10) but my decision is informed more by my long ago short-lived career as a teacher when I learned that my students respecting me was much more important than them liking me. So I hear "it's NOT fair" fairly often and that's ok - I set limits on certain things especially when it comes to safety because that is my job as the parent. You made the choice to have him not be mad at you for intervening by calling the police or the authorities if he refused to break it off. Now that they are adults just do your best to keep the family peace so you keep in contact with him. I wouldn't beat myself up (and yes despite my giving you my opinion on what I would have done -obviously you are the parent you chose how to parent) - just move on and do your best to have a relationship with him now and in the future.

    I am in my early 50s.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Not to minimize your concern in this, but he could have just as easily married a woman his age and it ends up being a toxic, hot mess.

    I have two sons. I can put myself in your place. I get it.

    It's about letting go of our own dreams and expectations and honoring their journey.

    When they become adults we have to trust we've done our job well. He's chosen his path. It's our job to adjust and embrace it.

    I imagine it must be similar to conservative parents who's children choose a sexual orientation that didn't fit their ideal vision. They still support them, love them and embrace their choices anyway.

  7. #16
    @Batya33 My son started his own company at 12. He was making 3K pounds a month at the time he met this woman. I didn't want him to get emancipated at an early age. It has nothing to do with me not wanting to cross him. Your son is ten and I hope once he starts puberty and adolescence you have it much less turbulent than we have had it, but my son at 12 was bigger and taller than most men ever are and he was sexually mature. With all do respect if you've never tried to parent a sexually mature 12-year-old than you cannot possibly imagine the challenges that parents of such kids go through. Regarding the woman, she didn't know he was 13 and once she realised he was a child she left him. I did not feel it was moral to try and put her in prison for something she didn't do. She didn't realise he was a child and she wasn't the first adult convinced by my son that he is 21/22.
    Last edited by missusAshley; 11-28-2019 at 06:10 PM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by missusAshley
    Are you a parent? How would you stop your 18 year old son, earning his own income, from dating someone?
    No, I am not.

    You're probably right. There's nothing you can do. I stand corrected.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by missusAshley
    My son started his own company at 12. He was making 3K pounds a month at the time he met this woman. I didn't want him to get emancipated at an early age. It has nothing to do with me not wanting to cross him. Your son is ten and I hope once he starts puberty and adolescence you have it much less turbulent than we have had it, but my son at 12 was bigger and taller than most men ever are and he was sexually mature. With all do respect if you've never tried to parent a sexually mature 12-year-old than you cannot possibly imagine the challenges that parents of such kids go through. Regarding the woman, she didn't know he was 13 and once she realised he was a child she left him. I did not feel it was moral to try and put her in prison for something she didn't do. She didn't realise he was a child and she wasn't the first adult convinced by my son that he is 21/22.
    How did they even meet?

    Him being sexually mature doesnít make the relationship right. And frankly, itís insane that you didnít know about it or allowed it to continue if you did know...

    You had your chance 8 years ago. Now itís done. He makes his own choices.

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Not to minimize your concern in this, but he could have just as easily married a woman his age and it ends up being a toxic, hot mess.

    I have two sons. I can put myself in your place. I get it.

    It's about letting go of our own dreams and expectations and honoring their journey.

    When they become adults we have to trust we've done our job well. He's chosen his path. It's our job to adjust and embrace it.

    I imagine it must be similar to conservative parents who's children choose a sexual orientation that didn't fit their ideal vision. They still support them, love them and embrace their choices anyway.
    Thank you. I must say, they do seem good for each other. They get along very well. I just always assumed he will meet someone more age-appropriate and we will chalk up his relationship with this woman to learning. I appreciate your kind comforting words.

  11. #20
    @mustlovedogs He was volunteering for a charity she worked at. The relationship was wrong for as long as he was a minor, we all agreed on that even the woman. They weren't dating since he was 13. I've tried my best to explain the timeline.

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