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Thread: What should I do, if anything? I'm lost.

  1. #11
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    I don't think she's entirely fake but I see what you're saying.she never invites me to hang out with her friends so I get the feeling she's embarrassed about having me as a friend. That or she's just hooking up with her friends. I do have other friends and see my family regularly, plus I still go out and do things around people (shopping, eating out, working out, etc..) even if I may do them alone, I'm still talking to people and what not. I lost most of my " friends" when I stopped drinking and going to bars because there's literally all there is to do where I live. Even the friends I do still drink a lot but no better than to invite me to bars and what not. I think I'm going to just ignore her from now on. If I'm really important to me, she'll notice. Maybe she's embarrassed because I'm white and most of her friends are Hispanic or African American (even though she jokingly said she doesn't consider me white because I'm into soccer, hockey and rugby and always "look European"). She claims "God made her gay" but she'll talk about how some famous men are "sexy" and how she wants to naturally have children some day despite being "gay". She's done a lot of things for me, like taking me out on my birthday last year, buying me dinner, a cheesecake and a Maple Leafs hat. I noticed however that the week before she moved into her new apartment we didn't communicate at all but the day of she called and asks if I could help her. She thanked me multiple times and said she couldn't do it without me despite being taller, and stronger than me and also having other friends.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You are in the friend's zone. This means she is not interested in you romantically, and probably never will be.

    What you don't understand is, you love her but her feelings are not yours. You are projecting your feelings, misinterpreting them for hers.

    No problem - just date other girls. Find a woman who likes you first and a lot and you'll have less problems with your love life.

  3. #13
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    This is true I suppose.

  4. #14
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    Ah, the friend zone.

    An unfortunate place where you are used for companionship and emotional support, by someone who - in this case - has told you more than once she is not interested in a romantic relationship.

    I imagine its not all one way though, and she has also given you some support over the years.

    Eventually she started seeing someone and I just stopped talking to her for a few months. Her and I started talking again and for whatever reasons her and I became best of friends again
    Did she get in touch after her relationship ended?

    Basically, she seems to always have been honest with you. She may have dressed it up by saying that she doesn't think anyone would want her, but that really = not interested in you in the romantic sense.

    You can go two ways here - if you value your small f friendship with her so much that you don't mind treading water, maintain it. Maybe if you meet another lady, they'll want you to end it then.

    The other way is to nicely tell her that you need to move on, because she doesn't share your feelings, and cut contact. You were never in a relationship with her, so the odd happy birthday or Xmas email is probably OK. But if you are spending all your time hanging out with her, you are missing out on life's other possibilities.

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  6. #15
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    True. I know I probably seem like a jealous narcissist but I do feel like she's somewhat using me: could of had anyone help her move (always talks about her dad and I feel that's a father's job), wanted my help unpacking her boxes and helping stuff up even though she only jokingly asked and told me I didn't have to but I felt I'm be a jerk if I didn't help her. Think it's better I just love her from a distance now and cut off all communication with her and wish her well.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She sounds insecure and depressed (deeply depressed), not sure of her identity or sexuality and insecure mostly about her self-worth. I'm sorry but the feeling I'm getting from your description of her is spastic or someone who twitches easily and can't keep still because her mind is not at rest. If it's OCD, I have very little firsthand experience with it. This is not meant to offend you. I cannot imagine what you or her are dealing with. I agree with anyone else who's already said that you really need to get out of this loop of OCD-ness. I think the loop is feeding itself the more you keep associating with her. Keep working with your psychiatrist, don't respond to her twitching or whatever rollercoaster she's on. Work on you, meet new people and enjoy your life. You've only got one so make it count.

  8. #17
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your input. I do have some friends but I'm hesitant to hang out them because when I do they always say I'm "too loud" or call me an idiot jokingly want to always go to bars and what not. I understand I'm not the easiest person to deal with as my moods/emotions can fluctuate pretty rapidly and I'll sometimes say the most random, sometimes inappropriate things/jokes but that's who I am and feel true friends will understand and not call me a "tweak" or "idiot". I'm honestly thinking I should honestly move to a completely new city, meet new people and start new. My job allows for internal transfers to other facilities in other cities. As much as I love this girl, I'm starting to truly realize it's toxic for me to be around her and doubt she will even notice or give a if I disappeared. I think she was just using me for emotional support and she probably knows I still love her so she keeps me around to boost her ego and as someone else said "have a fan".

  9. 11-30-2019, 12:40 PM

  10. 11-30-2019, 12:50 PM

  11. #18
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    No, we've never slept together. We haven't spoken or hung out since Sunday and I saw her Instagram story so she's doing absolutely fine without me in her life altogether so I'm probably going to just unfollow her on Instagram (only social media I have) and delete her number.

  12. #19
    Member Rugger937's Avatar
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    I thought I'd give you guys an update. She texted me Sunday night staying she had a slice of cheesecake with my name it and that I should come over after I had dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and neices. She fell asleep before so I didn't make it over. I had a HORRIBLE day on Wednesday and felt like telling her I was sorry for everything I'd done to and said to her (pushing her away and telling her I didn't want her in my life when she said we could just be friends because she was "gay") and that she has much better friends than myself and she told me she I'm crazy for thinking like that and that she has some friends but they're not me and never will be me and that she needs me in her life, I make her life better and there's nothing I could ever say to her that would make her not want me in her life. She then asked me what I want to do for my birthday (tomorrow) and that she wants to take me out and we can go anywhere I want. I'm honestly feeling more depressed than ever and my OCD is a major factor in this. Despite my OCD and my depression I still believe I love her but I'm afraid to tell her because of what's happened in the past and I'm afraid to lose her. I'm afraid if I don't tell her and she finds someone else further down the line, has children with said person, etc... I'll never forgive myself for not telling her how I still feel.

  13. #20
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rugger937
    I thought I'd give you guys an update. She texted me Sunday night staying she had a slice of cheesecake with my name it and that I should come over after I had dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and neices. She fell asleep before so I didn't make it over. I had a HORRIBLE day on Wednesday and felt like telling her I was sorry for everything I'd done to and said to her (pushing her away and telling her I didn't want her in my life when she said we could just be friends because she was "gay") and that she has much better friends than myself and she told me she I'm crazy for thinking like that and that she has some friends but they're not me and never will be me and that she needs me in her life, I make her life better and there's nothing I could ever say to her that would make her not want me in her life. She then asked me what I want to do for my birthday (tomorrow) and that she wants to take me out and we can go anywhere I want. I'm honestly feeling more depressed than ever and my OCD is a major factor in this. Despite my OCD and my depression I still believe I love her but I'm afraid to tell her because of what's happened in the past and I'm afraid to lose her. I'm afraid if I don't tell her and she finds someone else further down the line, has children with said person, etc... I'll never forgive myself for not telling her how I still feel.
    I had a friend like you once. Not exactly like you, but similar.

    His name was Trevor. We met when I was 18 and he was 25. I don't know if he was OCD, but he had a debilitating mental issue--perhaps an extreme form of social anxiety--that left him almost completely unable to cope with any social situation. He hardly spoke to or even looked at anyone, not even his own family. The situation was so extreme that he rarely left his house and was unemployed for most of the 10 years that I knew him.

    When he did leave his house, he made people very uncomfortable with his awkward, seemingly hostile behavior. When he first met my mom, he barely said "Hi" and didn't make eye contact at all. She thought he was a serial killer. Her boyfriend at the time jokingly referred to him as the Unibomber. Most people felt this way about him. I will say that Trevor did eventually warm up to my mom, and my mom ended up liking him. But it literally took years.

    The only reason Trevor made any effort with me was because 1) I was young and pretty and 2) I could draw like hell and so could he. He was really a phenomenal artist.

    I met him through some friends of mine, three brothers. He was actually their uncle, even though he was just a few years older than the oldest of the brothers. I had heard about Trevor for years from the middle brother, who was also a good artist. Whenever I'd show him a new drawing, he'd say, "You gotta meet my Uncle Trevor."

    It took four years before I actually met the guy. And he turned out to be this oddball recluse. I was surprised at how deeply troubled he was, but I wasn't at all put off by it. In fact, I related to it to some degree and felt it was just a small obstacle that could be easily overcome. I could tell immediately that he was a kind person, and that he probably had some interesting perspectives.

    The night we met was the night before I left for my freshman year in college. But we kept in touch with phone calls and even letters (this was 1995 and email wasn't what it is today). I found him to be extremely interesting, intelligent, and fun to talk to (as long as there was no one else around. As soon as another person showed up, the wall of silence went up and I was ostracized just like everyone else).

    When I visited home for my breaks, I made time to see him and hang out. To be honest, I knew that he liked me from the day I met him. And I found him attractive, too. But there were also things about him that I didn't find attractive, like his inability to socialize, his lack of motivation, and his inability to become financially independent from his family.

    Nonetheless, I did develop a crush on him about 18 months into our friendship. And we had a relationship that lasted about 3 months. But it just didn't work for me and I cut it off. He wanted to get back together and I did not. I broke off contact until I felt certain he would stop trying to rekindle our relationship. Then I slowly started talking to him again. You see, I did still really like him--but I valued him as a person, not as a love interest. I was pretty clear about that.

    I continued to make time to see him during my breaks from school. After I graduated, I spent most weekend-days palling around with him, watching movies, trolling the flea markets, going on drives. I really loved spending time with the guy. I just couldn't integrate him into my life or into my other friendships because he seemed to ooze hostility towards all but probably three people on the earth.

    One day, maybe seven or eight years into our friendship, I was standing on his porch smoking a cigarette. He leaned out of the door and handed me a tiny, folded up square of paper. I knew what was in there before I even opened it. Inside, he'd printed the words, "I love you."

    I said, "I know," and I folded it up and handed it back to him very intentionally.

    Of course I knew. He knew I knew.

    I guess I'm telling you this because I think he probably felt the same way that you did: that he would never forgive himself if he didn't tell me how he felt. And maybe telling me made him feel better--I'd be glad if it did. But I want you to know that it didn't change anything about the way that I felt about him.

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