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Sister considers to break up - I disagree


Youngbird

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My sister have been together with her boyfriend for 5 years now. In my opinion (and others) they are a perfect match. He is the nicest guy and treats her like a queen. My sister can be a challenging person to spend time with over a long period so I admire how he is able to “cope” with her. Don’t misunderstand, she is a good person. But her inner diva is sometimes very strong. They have been together for 5 years, lived together 2 years, but for the last few months they both studied abroad. They then lived one hour plane-drive apart. They have always been very faithful and with a lot of trust towards each other so I wasn’t all that worried. 2 months ago my sister even said that she was sure that she was going to marry her boyfriend.

Now suddenly she has changed. She is unsure of if she wants to continue to be with him. She says that she has lost her interest in hobbies and wants to reconnect with them. Her boyfriend has always supported her and it definitely not his fault that she has “lost” her interest in these hobbies. She considers breaking up with him. But she is very unsure. They still have a very fun time together and obviously has an extremely good chemistry. She has also talked to him about her thoughts and he has made it clear that he wants to be with her. He is clearly fighting for her.

 

I believe that her “problems” is not connected to him at all. It’s her responsibility’s to contain her interest and hobbies, so she can’t just blame him for that. I don’t think she realizes how lucky she is. I know that they are an excellent match. I’m scared that she makes an decision that she surely will regret later. Of course it’s her decision. But I want to help her to see every perspective before she makes a decision. What should I do? I desperately want her to see what she’s got before it’s gone.

 

(Sorry for my bad English)

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What should I do?

 

Mind your own business for the best part ..It is ok to give your opinion if asked , it is ok to mull it over with her if that is what she wants to do and it is ok to try to stop your sister or indeed anyone from danger .

 

In your opinion and others they are a perfect match .....but how does she feel ? She has to wake up to him for the rest of her life .

 

I say be supportive in her choices because this is very one sided , the boyfriend been the one in favour .

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But I want to help her to see every perspective before she makes a decision. What should I do? I desperately want her to see what she’s got before it’s gone.

 

Why do you feel this way? You're too emotionally wrapped up in something that isn't really your business.

 

I can understand you want the best for your sister. I understand that you are fond of her boyfriend and would like to see them stay together. But you don't know her heart and mind better than she does. She obviously does not agree that they are a perfect match or she wouldn't be considering breaking up with him. Forcing yourself to stay because others (ie. you and her boyfriend) think it's a good idea is not wise, either. Sometimes relationship run their course and it is time to say goodbye rather than leading someone on when you don't want to be there anymore.

 

You would be best to stay out of it and assume she can handle her own life. If she regrets it, well, so be it. It's not your problem to resolve. But I would reflect on why you are feeling so desperate and why you are so invested in the outcome here.

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You have voiced your opinion to her. There is nothing else to do. It's HER life. She is the one who will have to live with whatever choice she makes.

 

Having been in a somewhat similar position with my sibling my way of thinking was the following: I voiced my opinion when asked so they were made aware of my thoughts. Once they chosed to disregard it, I respected it and I emotionally dettached from their choice. If they ever live to regret it, I will be there for them and try to support them the best I can. However, I am not "scared" nor do I feel "desperate" about their future. They made an informed choice as far as I am concerned and that's where any "responsibility" I might have had ended.

 

Imo, you need to consider whether you are focusing so much on your sister's problems as a way to avoid your own problems/regrets/fears. Investing so much energy on her love life instead of focusing on your own life is not healthy in my opinion.

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No one should ever get married even mostly because someone else thinks they are perfect together with the other person and because they "don't know how lucky they are" - that's the point -if they "don't know how lucky they are" assume they are not moronic -assume that they don't know for whatever reason - could be "not ready" could be they are not lucky because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, could be whatever -but the bottom line is if that person doesn't know, then the answer is no to being with that person forever or near forever. That's not their forever person at least not at that time. Respect that to the hilt. Worst case -the person tells you years later "I let a good one get away. i should have listened to you."

 

Let people make mistakes like that -people grow from those mistakes. I did.

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How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? You sound a bit immature and jealous...I'm not sure if you're coming from a place of concern for your sister's happiness, or if you're jealous that she has "such a nice guy" and she wants to throw that away. Or both?

 

As everyone else has said, who our siblings date (or don't date), is none of our business. Even if you were her parent, it's still not your decision. Although parents sometimes try to influence their children's dating, especially in more traditional cultures. However you're not even a parent, you're just her sister. So I think even in a traditional/old-fashioned culture, your opinion as a sister has little bearing.

 

Also have you considered that people just feel the way they feel and they can't help it? So even though your sister has this "great guy" doesn't mean that she feels he's the one for her. Feelings can also change. Maybe she was happy with him, but now she's not. Maybe they're having problems in their relationship that you don't know about? And unless you're in a relationship yourself, how can you truly know what that relationship is like on the inside?

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You wrote this a little over a year ago:

" I think some of the reasons for my focus is because many of my friends are in a relationship and I have been single alone a lot. And in some ways it feels like I am the “loser”."

 

Do you still feel this way? Do you feel like you're alone and your sister is just throwing away a perfectly good man?

 

If it's jealousy of your sister your motivation is less about caring for her and more about wishing you had what she has.

 

Look, I don't care for my brother's wife. But I would never tell him because I love him and who he chooses is none of my business.

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I desperately want her to see what she’s got before it’s gone.

 

 

- But that's not the way love works..... when people fall out of love, they lose interest. Just a person being a catch is not enough.

 

It sounds like your sister fell out / is falling out of love with her boyfriend. Probably because of the long distance relationship. Or because she's young.

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I desperately want her to see what she’s got before it’s gone.

 

There's a saying that goes: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

 

It means that no lesson can be learned unless a person is able to recognize the value of it. Until then, the lessons will just bounce off of them.

 

Maybe the real lesson here is that you have some things to be grateful for, which you don't fully appreciate.

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Not a very stunning appraisal of your sister there. All that resentment is going to eat you up, unfortunately. Let it go. Even though it's none of your business, I'm sure the drama is a bit disruptive to your life if you both live together. Nobody likes bs around them and I don't suspect you do either if your sister tends to drag it in all the time. You may find yourself getting angry because they're just so full of it (both of them) and you are looking for someone to blame because the environment is tense. It's just a waste of more energy.

 

The guy can take care of himself. He should be more than capable. I wouldn't worry so much about him. He might not be so hot after all. Whatever you may think is going on behind closed doors or under the surface might not be the case.

 

Try using your energy a bit better. These two will do whatever they want to do. Stay out of the house or go for walks or visit friends if it's tense at home. Put on some headphones and watch tv or listen to music. Don't get involved except to lend a listening ear if needed. Don't open your mouth or make any comments if she's in a bad place and just needs to vent. You can tell the difference between someone venting and someone actually wanting advice. She may not want your advice at all.

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