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Thread: Houston, we have confusion...

  1. #1
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    Houston, we have confusion...

    My ex and I were together for 8 years. 2 beautiful children under 5. Last couple years with stress of children, owning a home etc has been rough. We used to have a strong bond and thousands of great memories. We nearly broke up 3 months ago, when she was distant, and I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.

    then the fighting started up again. All over trivial roommate type pet peeves and annoying loud house from children.

    She became distant again. I was reviewing our cell bill and noticed hundreds of text messages in last couple weeks alone to a familiar number. Her gay best friend Greg. I always supported their friendship, but hundreds of texts in a week seemed odd. Our daughter was playing games on her phone and asked for my help. I then go to texts and all but a few are deleted. I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit. She explains she has wanted to move out for awhile, and texts were aboutmaking the plans to leave, and advice. and I wont let her. She is no longer in love with me and its not fair to the kids... I then ask if she is willing to go to counseling. she says no. I then ask her to pack her things and leave. Keep in mind we lived together for 8 years.

    That was a month ago. she has since got a new apartment and all new life. She did not ask for her bed, TV, computer and many belongings. I continue to pick up Kids at daycare friday evening and drop off monday morning. I was on defensive claiming to be done and moving on with my life. I am a proud family man, and cherish my family and love her dearly. But I cannot allow her behavior. I was not about to ask her to come home, nor seem weak. But my heart hurts terribly. She has essentially been doing no contact for the entire month. COLD SHOULDER, no responses to pics of kids, nothing.

    This past weekend was first time I saw her in a month. She shows up all dolled up. I asked her to speak to me and she wouldnt look at me and keeps walking. I send a couple texts and she explains if we talk about kids only she will talk. I cant help it but to speak about feelings anyways. she sends pics of the kids back. no speak of feelings whatsoever. She acts as if she is hurt and trying to hurt me back. I kicked her out for wanting to break up with no counseling!!!

    She later texts, that " Ido not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" putting it back on me. 4 days later... I had flowers and her favorite pizza delivered to her work. She sends me a simple text.. "Thanks for the flowers and lunch"


    I know its a step in right direction. for an entire month she has acted like she is DONE! This is one stubborn nut to crack. I dont expect to run back into each others arms, and expect to take things slow. but damn I need more from her than she is giving.

    If she was done, would she be saying thanks?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yes, because it's polite to thank someone when they buy you a gift.

    But buying her things isn't going to bring her back, especially since YOU kicked HER out.

    Why are you now backpedaling? It makes you look like you don't mean what you say. That's a dangerous road.

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    because I love her and my family. I feel an instinct to not give up. our problems seem so superficial. and easy to fix.

    It was her who wanted to leave to the point of being sneaky. Now its her who suggests she wants me to tell her what I want.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Stop trying to win her back... you kicked her out - remember?

    She wants to be on her own and it appears she has been wanting that for a long time.

    You need to start asking yourself some tough questions... going off her list of demands prior to the breakup it seems like she felt she had no life outside her children. Were you helping her with house chores and the children on your time and days off?

    I am thinking you both may been ill prepared for the responsibilities and daily duties of having children. Which is common problem and can be worked out - but if talking leads to arguing, you both may just have to cut your losses because parenting are not on par.

    Be strong and just be there for your children.

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    She had plenty of life outside the children. She refused to hire a babysitter. I saw the toll it was taking on her, and begged for her to get a sitter. We had one date night in a whole year while she spent 17 nights out. a week long adult camping trip, 2 day trips to great america with her friend etc. I am very involved with my family. I noticed the warning signs and was trying to be proactive. I was the one home with the kidsrest of time

    I do alot around the home, mostly cleaning, laundry handyman stuff etc. she seemed to enjoy doing alot of cooking and kids stuff. But I was far from being typical man. I was a family man. Home everydays and committed. all she had to do was talk to me. Since our make up I was doing dinner twice a week, and taking it very seriously. she went out 4 out of next5 weeks.

    we both have resentment that we never resolved and short triggers. I recognize it and know I can let it go if we have a adult conversation. she is not type to ever apologize or even admit fault so we have lingering anger from mistakes past.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    If your ex refuse to admit to her own faults, what makes you think it'll get better?

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    because I have now had reflection and clarity and advice from people I respect It is unfair for me to expect her to change. If I want a relationship I must accept this about her. She is 29 years old and perhaps not completely mature in relationships yet. I am 42

    I must accept this flaw but there also must be some type of compromise and a way to essentially forgive forget or bury our issues when they arise.

    I come here to ask,would you say "Im not sure what you want me to say, you have made it clear what you feel and what you want" and thanking me for flowers and lunch, if she was done?

    i know it seems elementary, but this girl has me questioning if the sky is up or blue right about now.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you go to work or are you self-employed/work from home?

    I think she's been avoiding you for about a year and gathering the courage to start over. I know you're also upset but you're coming across as a bit aggressive and controlling in your anger/resentment towards her. I'm not surprised if she's deflecting or avoiding you or avoiding any conversations with you because you're difficult to talk to or reason with.

    You used this phrase a few times (quoted below) which puzzles me because we all do have a choice. We choose how we react to situations and what we do in situations. We may not always sail through things like a figureskater on ice but we do have a choice. The first step is acknowledging that she has not given you "no choice". YOU made a decision of your own volition so start owning your choices and try not to blame her for things that have gone wrong in your marriage.

    I told her she gave me no choice but to end things
    I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit.
    I cannot allow her behavior.
    It's not for you to allow or not unfortunately. A marriage or relationship is made up of two minds working in sync. If one isn't feeling it, that person isn't feeling it. It's best to respect that and take a step back - not lord over anyone or become more pushy about how things are supposed to be. When someone isn't happy with you and isn't in love with you the worst thing you can possibly do is struggle and force that person to want to be with you.

    Cajoling her with lunch or flowers wasn't a good idea because it's not actually acknowledging her wishes to move forwards and it's not respecting what she told you: she's not in love with you. Those actions are meant for people who are in love with each other. The more you disrespect or disregard her, the worse all of this will hurt you in the long run.

    I hope you're able to heal from your separation and eventually look back on this and appreciate the experience. Be a good dad to your kids. Life goes on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    because I love her and my family. I feel an instinct to not give up. our problems seem so superficial. and easy to fix.

    It was her who wanted to leave to the point of being sneaky. Now its her who suggests she wants me to tell her what I want.
    If the problems are superficial and easy to fix, why then did you kick her out?

    You keep saying you had no choice but there's always a choice, especially if what you say is true about your problems being "superficial and easy to fix".

  11. #10
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    life is confusing. her concealing text messages was deceitful and I have self respect and dignity. I also have a heart and can forgive. I also have a mindset that I can change and can accept things.

    please tell me how I am supposed to handle the deceit. Just give her space and allow her time to figure things out, all while I feel hurt and disrespected?

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