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Thread: Houston, we have confusion...

  1. #51
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    Happy for you Jambalaya. Here's to all the local naysayers.

    Just be careful out there. This happened way too quickly and there was no real chance to take a proper step back, analyze and attempt to fix whatever was broken. Usually only time allows this. You will need to work together and communicate better than ever before.

    Remember this moment, though. Always remember that the relationship is something you once decided to fight for.
    Fingers crossed!

  2. #52
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    what do people suggest? to continue staying separate and no contact? we are living separate and going very slow. open to counseling etc.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Don't ask her to move out again unless you really mean it.

    Also, her go to when things get tough should not be searching apartments behind your back.

    I think being "open" to counseling isn't enough, attending counseling is vital.

    This might be able to be saved, but you two need to TALK to each other. Otherwise nothing will change.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    what do people suggest? to continue staying separate and no contact? we are living separate and going very slow. open to counseling etc.
    Hmmm.

    Well, I'd say my big suggestion is be honest about what's surfaced. She is 29, not 42, and no longer 21. "I know, I know," I suspect is your immediate reaction to that, but I'd try to swallow that down, given all that has happened. "I don't know, I don't know," is your friend right now, since it makes room for learning: her, you, where you can go. Second thing to be honest about is that your relationship is much, much more fragile than you realized and even understand right now. Admitting that, and getting comfortable with that, is where the strength is.

    She is craving a lot of things right now that may not even be clear to her, but it's certainly more than flowers and playful ass slapping, more than dishes being done and meals being cooked, and likely falls under some kind of umbrella of "independence," "freedom," "respect," and "equality." So long as either of you see your relationship as being an impediment to those four pillars, you're in for a tough road. If you can make it something you two can explore together, with curious minds and open hearts—well, then there is a chance.

    Along with bolt, I would say that counseling is a must, not a maybe or something to pay lip service about being "open" to. When my motorcycle breaks down I'm not "open" to taking it to a mechanic; I take the thing to a mechanic, pronto, so I can go about the business of getting from A to B. You each need to be able to clearly understand what you both want and need, and to see what's needed for those wants and needs to line up, if that's possible. That's where a professional can be of tremendous help. Because right now? I'd see part of this as the result of two people who are fundamentally incapable of talking to, and listening to, each other.

    That's the part that can be improved. The other part—whatever existential dilemma is whirling through her—is the x factor that you really can't do anything about. There are ways in which she is going to have to figure out if she can work through that within the marriage, for the sake of what you two have together, or could continue to build, and for the sake of your children. After all, however much she may kind of want to be an independent woman of 30, and however much she may be frustrated at not getting to have an adulthood that wasn't solely connected to one man and now two kids, she is going to be a mother for the rest of her life.

    But that is her reckoning, not yours. The question is can the relationship contain that reckoning, and grow from it, or is the reckoning the undoing. Time has that answer more than you or her, so trust time while using this time productively not passively.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    what do people suggest?
    Go back and read the last post from HeartAce* He’s basically nailed it and don’t forget, he’s your friend and has your back*

    I also suggest not just stopping posting here either. I for one would love to know how you’re getting on and these threads can be good for journaling and tracking your own progress.

    The advice you perceive as ‘negative’ or such, whilst it can be challenging, can also be good for personal growth.

    When I did counseling/psyche at Uni we had a weekly unit called Personal Growth done in a group therapy type setup. Man I hated/loved that unit! lol

    Still some work to do going forward but good news J. Slow and steady wins the race*

    Carus*

  7. #56
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    wow, you guys are great! perfect summation in my eyes. I of course will lean on you guys and keep posting. I might be stubborn, but I seek help, and with seeking help, there is an open mind willing to accept criticism and counseling. I am fully ready to go to counseling.

    while she may be what seems to be an avoidant, she is also stubborn, and she seems to think like a relationship should be perfect without work. we are not meant to be because of arguing she says. but also will not get help with the arguing.

    I like the broke down motorcycle analogy.

  8. #57
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    so ive decided to step back from the reconciliation, and focus on growth. I could sense that you guys are right and no real change would have happened. if she cant be patient well then shes not serious in the first place. she is being nice and sweet but doesnt seem to grasp her part ownership of our problems.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Did something happen in the past few days?

  10. #59
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    just realizing she wants to act like nothing ever happened and does not take ownership for her part of our problems. meanwhile im looking inward and truly wanting to change.

  11. #60
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This will just keep circling around and around if you are expecting someone else to change or want to point fingers at her expecting her to "take ownership' of whatever problems there were. You can't change other people. She has already moved out and in effected ended things so why would she bother with any of this "ownership' stuff? Who decides who 'owns' what? You?

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