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Thread: Houston, we have confusion...

  1. #21
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    I think her anger is also a deflection mechanism, because she doesn't have the courage to be honest that she fell out of love and checked out a long time ago. It's easier for her to blame you so she can avoid a very uncomfortable conversation in which she will have to admit she just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

    She has been with you since she was 21. For most intents and purposes, you are all she knows and she never did much exploring. My strong hunch is that she regrets not having done so. Perhaps another man piqued her interest. Maybe she is simply wanting to meet other people and chart new waters for herself. I am not saying you don't own a part in the demise of the relationship, as two people usually share some accountability when things fall apart. But I am saying that you are a lot less in control of the outcome here than you'd hoped. There are certain aspects of this that are out of your hands completely.

    You don't need to accept the deception. However, there is not a lot you can do about it beyond choosing not to continue the relationship. She is clearly not interested in trying to rekindle anything at this point. For all you know, she may also have someone else in her life she's trying to keep very quiet. Give her as wide a berth as possible and go about accepting that this has come to an end.

  2. #22
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    ďI discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.Ē

    I apologise in advance if anyone else addressed this. But I couldnít read beyond this!!

    You found out your partner was unhappy by finding rental apartments in her browser. Instead of discussing with her why she was unhappy , you told her SHE gave you no option but to leave her.

    The next day you send her flowers (dismissive) instead of arranging a time to chat about what she might be feeling and why she might consider breaking up the family home.

    But the flowers resulted in a minimal chat in which she gave a simple list of what she needs from the relationship.

    And you were right , her list was simple! Why didnít you deliver?
    Instead of being present in the way she requested , you held her hand and slapped her on the ass and had sex? Thatís not what she asked for???
    Did you honour her request back then and seek counselling? Did you make dinner, arrange to be home with the kids so she can go out with her friends?

    It sounds to me that you did dismiss her genuine feelings and therefore itís no wonder she spoke about them to another?

    Sorry!! But it might be a case of too little too late!?

  3. #23
    Bronze Member Leah33's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ďI discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.Ē

    I apologise in advance if anyone else addressed this. But I couldnít read beyond this!!

    You found out your partner was unhappy by finding rental apartments in her browser. Instead of discussing with her why she was unhappy , you told her SHE gave you no option but to leave her.

    The next day you send her flowers (dismissive) instead of arranging a time to chat about what she might be feeling and why she might consider breaking up the family home.

    But the flowers resulted in a minimal chat in which she gave a simple list of what she needs from the relationship.

    And you were right , her list was simple! Why didnít you deliver?
    Instead of being present in the way she requested , you held her hand and slapped her on the ass and had sex? Thatís not what she asked for???
    Did you honour her request back then and seek counselling? Did you make dinner, arrange to be home with the kids so she can go out with her friends?

    It sounds to me that you did dismiss her genuine feelings and therefore itís no wonder she spoke about them to another?

    Sorry!! But it might be a case of too little too late!?
    How does one bridge the emotional intimacy gap? Oh by chasing her around the house and slapping her on the ass.

    I'm sorry but this made me 🤣.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Leah33
    How does one bridge the emotional intimacy gap? Oh by chasing her around the house and slapping her on the ass.

    I'm sorry but this made me 🤣.
    Turned out that all she needed was a good smack! 😂

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    wow. yall speak in such absolutes.
    I agree with you.

    I donít agree with the conclusion that you were a bad husband.

    And honestly we constantly tell people

    ĎThey gave you no choice but to break upí

    As well as

    ď You teach people how to treat youĒ

    So I must say I wholly disagree with the assessment that you are in the wrong for standing up for yourself and not being a doormat. TRUST me had you stayed and were crying to us Ďwhat do I do?í Youíd be told more than once, you have to do whatís best for you.

    With that being said the others are right, you kicked her out.

    That is a big deal.

    Donít play relationship chicken. If kicking her out was your choice you must stand by it.

    Flowers wonít fix anything, nothing short of communication will.

    Sheís 29.

    Sheís probably not the most mature when it comes to handling all this in an adult way.

    You marrying such a young woman well no offense, Iím gonna guess neither are you.

    I think this marriage failed because of stubbornness, pride, age and lack of communication.

    The age gap canít be changed, but the others... until someone well... grows up... unfortunately this divorce is happening

    Iím sorry.

    This isnít dating, this is a marriage, with children, If you want to fight for your marriage, fight for it, but stop with the gifts, talk to her.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wow y'all angry?
    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    wow. yall speak in such absolutes.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    This site is definitely not "E- tell you what you want to hear" or "E-there there". We cannot tell a lie even if the OP really wants to hear some.

    Nothing you've told us about your interactions with her since the kick out sounds like she is considering reconciliation. No reason to blow smoke and pretend we see what we don't see, unless you left out something she said about missing you and wanting to be back together.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ďI discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.Ē

    I apologise in advance if anyone else addressed this. But I couldnít read beyond this!!

    You found out your partner was unhappy by finding rental apartments in her browser. Instead of discussing with her why she was unhappy , you told her SHE gave you no option but to leave her.

    The next day you send her flowers (dismissive) instead of arranging a time to chat about what she might be feeling and why she might consider breaking up the family home.

    But the flowers resulted in a minimal chat in which she gave a simple list of what she needs from the relationship.

    And you were right , her list was simple! Why didnít you deliver?
    Instead of being present in the way she requested , you held her hand and slapped her on the ass and had sex? Thatís not what she asked for???
    Did you honour her request back then and seek counselling? Did you make dinner, arrange to be home with the kids so she can go out with her friends?

    It sounds to me that you did dismiss her genuine feelings and therefore itís no wonder she spoke about them to another?

    Sorry!! But it might be a case of too little too late!?
    Ifeel I did deliver. Its one of the few things that keep me holding my head high. I am very proud how I handled things. I just wish I got more clear advice sooner. I was cooking fancy meals, cleaning more, going for walks more, holding hands, we felt like newlyweds again. perhaps poor choice of words when I say slapping her on the ass and making love. it was deeper than that.

    at time of first reconciliation, she claimed it was just the fighting that became too much. we argued over the silliest stuff. I blamed it on the stress of children and not resolving past resentment. She came home crying and we seemed to really get to the matters at hand. Looking back, obviously there were things she was not telling me. we were on cloud 9 for a month, she even asked if I was being real or pretend. She once fell in love with me because of my adventurous and youthful behavior towards life. even 5 years in, she was extremely committed to me and shopping for wedding dresses and new homes etc. we were great until children.

    6 weeks later arguing reared its ugly head once again. and then the distance and the hidden texts. she never gave me a chance to listen and try. I was too dumbfounded and hurt to be present with the mindset of digging deeper and being there for her.she clearly felt it was a lost cause or I am just no longer the one. even the week before breakup she was texting daily- good morning my love, I LOVE YOU, hey studmuffin etc.

    when confronting her about texts, I offered counseling and she refuses. I felt we were at an impasse and I asked her to leave. a week later she asked me a question about kids, I asked "is this all you want to talk about?" she responded "what would you like to talk about?" I was under the advice of a "no contact" relationship counselor at this point, and I rebuffed her offer at maybe talking about other stuff and insisted we keepit only about kids.

    she left her youtube app open on our computer and to my surprise I began receiving notifications of a new playlist. she never had a music playlist before. 37 of 44 songs are sappy missing him songs. SHania twain yourestill the one, sugar land stuck like glue, Kid rock picture, list goes on and on and MANY are all about missing him. I tell myself I am looking into it too far, but here I am looking for crumbs. I have signed her out of the app forprivacy reasons, but I cannot hekp but to check the public list every once in a while. She added many just yesterday before my flowers. she has no clue I know about these songs.

    fast forward a month. She has gone radio silent, and doesnt even respond to texts about kids. I was demonstrating I was moving on by subtle innuendos but also there for my kids and want to get a jump start on getting along for the kids. I was trying to be kind, but in no way showed her I still loved her and felt we could repair some damage. after seeing her for first time in a month, I became emotional and sent some texts rehashing where I felt we went wrong, and how much I loved er and would do anything for my family. I am an emotional person.

    She responds with "Im not sure what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" Advice from female coworkers insisted that I quit being difficult and this was a hint that how I handled everything mattered. and if I didnt handle things the way I did, she may be willing to talk. They insisted I quit doing no contact and acting like im moving on. I was listening to relationship counselor and was instructed to get her to feel the loss. they told me to put all my chips on the table. They insist I show her how I feel, as a litmus test or barometer. If she says stop, I have my answer.

    her favorite food is pizza. yesterday I sent her a heart shaped pizza from her favorite place along with a cute smiley faced vase and bouquet. along with a gift wrapped box containing hershey hugs and kisses. She clearly does not want to get into heavy conversations about feelings yet. so I am trying to keep things light, and take babysteps. 20 minutes after receiving pizza and flowers, she responds with "Thanks for the flowers and lunch"

    her comment early on of "what would you like to talk about?" along with "Im not sure what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" along with the songs she saved to her playlist are all I have to go off of.

    I knew she was stubborn going into this. I am surprised she even responded to the flowers and pizza at all. and now I am left asking myself, If you receive flowers, heart shaped pizza, and a note thinking of you.... does it send the wrong message to say Thank you, if she is trulydone.
    Last edited by Jambalaya421; 11-28-2019 at 12:21 PM.

  10. #29
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    I fought very hard for my marriage that ended. I stopped fighting when I met my now-ex who Iím coincidentally fighting hard to keep... this life man I swear lol

    There are realities here that I want you to read without having to absorb them.

    The message is a good sign. Especially since she wasnít talking to you. Any progress is progress. But the game here is to take good signs and keep them as motivation to stay confident. Do not use good signs as ammo to shoot yourself. Do not use good signs as evidence you still own her. Because thatíll manifest into sudden entitlement and sheíll be pissed off she gave you any good signs at all.

    The ship has sank and youíre in the water with the sharks now. You just are. There are dangers and sacrifices necessary to moving forward. You have to take things as they are and as they come to do your best here, and the first thing you have to outright embrace is that you do not have control over anything but your own actions. Any delusion of power will hurt your ego and your chances of having every option.

    Become the change if you agree with what she wants. Look at what she wants in a relationship. In a partner. If you want to be those things take the step. Sheís a woman with two kids and is still emotionally volatile most likely. You have time before she slips into another ironclad relationship. Even if she gets obsessed over someone which is often the case... it happened when my life and I divorced, she tried to find a new me and it went terribly for her. She has to choose you. She has to choose all of it. You can subtly offer things to choose. But she has to choose you and manipulating either through force or fear or begging will only make her smell that stink of subjugation and send her running.

    You do not have control here but over yourself. So focus that control. Donít waste it on trying to control her. I say that because I know how I was. I was used to saying I wanted a steak and BJ and getting one of each before bedtime. All of a sudden my wife is leaving, wonít return calls, and has a boyfriend. Wait what?? But if you control yourself, if you decide truly fixing it is worth your effort, then become a more attractive safe place for her. This risks justifying women but Iím of the opinion that in many cases, a womanís neglectful behaviors are symptoms of the man not providing enough attraction. Women are so incredibly malleable in their behaviors and willingness to grow alongside their man they love. You have the power to attract her. You know you do because you already did.

    My wife only wanted me back after the rebound crashed and she saw that all the changes I talked about were actually happening but for another woman. I also found a woman that made me totally forget my attraction for my wife, and I tried for a year of begging and trying to get my wife back. Iím in a weird spot with my girlfriend now, but my ex wife continues to loom and reminisce because that safety in our ten year relationship and all the tried and true connection we had... when the hurt from the divorce faded and the bitterness and the score keeping and the rebounds and all that chaotic crap that surrounds this stuff like maggots on a corpse... once it all went away she realized that I represented home to her like no one ever did, and she sees me strong again and not needing her to obey or carry me. And thatís a big change from when she kicked me out and divorced me.

    A final but vitally important thing to consider is what Iím sure youíve already heard. Sometimes things run their course for a reason. Sometimes miscommunication or staggered circumstances can create space that people can and should overcome. Every successful relationship has hiccups. As a person who enjoys relationships I know none are ever perfect. Two universes dancing, swirling together are going to take out a few city blocks here or there as collateral damage! But I beg you to analyze your own feelings and memories and weigh this as love as this woman, or love of the familiar status quo. If itís truly the woman... and I say this because I fantasized about leaving my wife for years but was so shackled to the idea of recovery of what was lost that I had tunnel vision for a year and justified it saying oh my family and oh my kids! but when I met a woman I wanted body and soul my wife couldíve offered me anythjng and I wouldíve picked this new amazing woman in my life... but if your wife is truly the woman you feel you want to grow with, then good luck.
    Last edited by MrWindupBird; 11-28-2019 at 12:29 PM.

  11. #30
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    wow. great stuff. from both of you.

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