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Houston, we have confusion...


Jambalaya421

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My ex and I were together for 8 years. 2 beautiful children under 5. Last couple years with stress of children, owning a home etc has been rough. We used to have a strong bond and thousands of great memories. We nearly broke up 3 months ago, when she was distant, and I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.

 

then the fighting started up again. All over trivial roommate type pet peeves and annoying loud house from children.

 

She became distant again. I was reviewing our cell bill and noticed hundreds of text messages in last couple weeks alone to a familiar number. Her gay best friend Greg. I always supported their friendship, but hundreds of texts in a week seemed odd. Our daughter was playing games on her phone and asked for my help. I then go to texts and all but a few are deleted. I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit. She explains she has wanted to move out for awhile, and texts were aboutmaking the plans to leave, and advice. and I wont let her. She is no longer in love with me and its not fair to the kids... I then ask if she is willing to go to counseling. she says no. I then ask her to pack her things and leave. Keep in mind we lived together for 8 years.

 

That was a month ago. she has since got a new apartment and all new life. She did not ask for her bed, TV, computer and many belongings. I continue to pick up Kids at daycare friday evening and drop off monday morning. I was on defensive claiming to be done and moving on with my life. I am a proud family man, and cherish my family and love her dearly. But I cannot allow her behavior. I was not about to ask her to come home, nor seem weak. But my heart hurts terribly. She has essentially been doing no contact for the entire month. COLD SHOULDER, no responses to pics of kids, nothing.

 

This past weekend was first time I saw her in a month. She shows up all dolled up. I asked her to speak to me and she wouldnt look at me and keeps walking. I send a couple texts and she explains if we talk about kids only she will talk. I cant help it but to speak about feelings anyways. she sends pics of the kids back. no speak of feelings whatsoever. She acts as if she is hurt and trying to hurt me back. I kicked her out for wanting to break up with no counseling!!!

 

She later texts, that " Ido not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" putting it back on me. 4 days later... I had flowers and her favorite pizza delivered to her work. She sends me a simple text.. "Thanks for the flowers and lunch"

 

 

I know its a step in right direction. for an entire month she has acted like she is DONE! This is one stubborn nut to crack. I dont expect to run back into each others arms, and expect to take things slow. but damn I need more from her than she is giving.

 

If she was done, would she be saying thanks?

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Stop trying to win her back... you kicked her out - remember?

 

She wants to be on her own and it appears she has been wanting that for a long time.

 

You need to start asking yourself some tough questions... going off her list of demands prior to the breakup it seems like she felt she had no life outside her children. Were you helping her with house chores and the children on your time and days off?

 

I am thinking you both may been ill prepared for the responsibilities and daily duties of having children. Which is common problem and can be worked out - but if talking leads to arguing, you both may just have to cut your losses because parenting are not on par.

 

Be strong and just be there for your children.

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She had plenty of life outside the children. She refused to hire a babysitter. I saw the toll it was taking on her, and begged for her to get a sitter. We had one date night in a whole year while she spent 17 nights out. a week long adult camping trip, 2 day trips to great america with her friend etc. I am very involved with my family. I noticed the warning signs and was trying to be proactive. I was the one home with the kidsrest of time

 

I do alot around the home, mostly cleaning, laundry handyman stuff etc. she seemed to enjoy doing alot of cooking and kids stuff. But I was far from being typical man. I was a family man. Home everydays and committed. all she had to do was talk to me. Since our make up I was doing dinner twice a week, and taking it very seriously. she went out 4 out of next5 weeks.

 

we both have resentment that we never resolved and short triggers. I recognize it and know I can let it go if we have a adult conversation. she is not type to ever apologize or even admit fault so we have lingering anger from mistakes past.

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because I have now had reflection and clarity and advice from people I respect It is unfair for me to expect her to change. If I want a relationship I must accept this about her. She is 29 years old and perhaps not completely mature in relationships yet. I am 42

 

I must accept this flaw but there also must be some type of compromise and a way to essentially forgive forget or bury our issues when they arise.

 

I come here to ask,would you say "Im not sure what you want me to say, you have made it clear what you feel and what you want" and thanking me for flowers and lunch, if she was done?

 

i know it seems elementary, but this girl has me questioning if the sky is up or blue right about now.

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Do you go to work or are you self-employed/work from home?

 

I think she's been avoiding you for about a year and gathering the courage to start over. I know you're also upset but you're coming across as a bit aggressive and controlling in your anger/resentment towards her. I'm not surprised if she's deflecting or avoiding you or avoiding any conversations with you because you're difficult to talk to or reason with.

 

You used this phrase a few times (quoted below) which puzzles me because we all do have a choice. We choose how we react to situations and what we do in situations. We may not always sail through things like a figureskater on ice but we do have a choice. The first step is acknowledging that she has not given you "no choice". YOU made a decision of your own volition so start owning your choices and try not to blame her for things that have gone wrong in your marriage.

 

I told her she gave me no choice but to end things

 

I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit.

 

I cannot allow her behavior.

 

It's not for you to allow or not unfortunately. A marriage or relationship is made up of two minds working in sync. If one isn't feeling it, that person isn't feeling it. It's best to respect that and take a step back - not lord over anyone or become more pushy about how things are supposed to be. When someone isn't happy with you and isn't in love with you the worst thing you can possibly do is struggle and force that person to want to be with you.

 

Cajoling her with lunch or flowers wasn't a good idea because it's not actually acknowledging her wishes to move forwards and it's not respecting what she told you: she's not in love with you. Those actions are meant for people who are in love with each other. The more you disrespect or disregard her, the worse all of this will hurt you in the long run.

 

I hope you're able to heal from your separation and eventually look back on this and appreciate the experience. Be a good dad to your kids. Life goes on.

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because I love her and my family. I feel an instinct to not give up. our problems seem so superficial. and easy to fix.

 

It was her who wanted to leave to the point of being sneaky. Now its her who suggests she wants me to tell her what I want.

 

If the problems are superficial and easy to fix, why then did you kick her out?

 

You keep saying you had no choice but there's always a choice, especially if what you say is true about your problems being "superficial and easy to fix".

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life is confusing. her concealing text messages was deceitful and I have self respect and dignity. I also have a heart and can forgive. I also have a mindset that I can change and can accept things.

 

please tell me how I am supposed to handle the deceit. Just give her space and allow her time to figure things out, all while I feel hurt and disrespected?

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Do you go to work or are you self-employed/work from home?

 

I think she's been avoiding you for about a year and gathering the courage to start over. I know you're also upset but you're coming across as a bit aggressive and controlling in your anger/resentment towards her. I'm not surprised if she's deflecting or avoiding you or avoiding any conversations with you because you're difficult to talk to or reason with.

 

You used this phrase a few times (quoted below) which puzzles me because we all do have a choice. We choose how we react to situations and what we do in situations. We may not always sail through things like a figureskater on ice but we do have a choice. The first step is acknowledging that she has not given you "no choice". YOU made a decision of your own volition so start owning your choices and try not to blame her for things that have gone wrong in your marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not for you to allow or not unfortunately. A marriage or relationship is made up of two minds working in sync. If one isn't feeling it, that person isn't feeling it. It's best to respect that and take a step back - not lord over anyone or become more pushy about how things are supposed to be. When someone isn't happy with you and isn't in love with you the worst thing you can possibly do is struggle and force that person to want to be with you.

 

Cajoling her with lunch or flowers wasn't a good idea because it's not actually acknowledging her wishes to move forwards and it's not respecting what she told you: she's not in love with you. Those actions are meant for people who are in love with each other. The more you disrespect or disregard her, the worse all of this will hurt you in the long run.

 

I hope you're able to heal from your separation and eventually look back on this and appreciate the experience. Be a good dad to your kids. Life goes on.

 

excellent viewpoints and I appreciate your input. Iam a work in progress. While I may seem difficult, I am nothing if not flexible. I hope to one day become as enlightened. I didnt know how else to handle uncovering the deceit and her request to leave. I did not have clarity and was blindsided. I howevernow find myself in this quagmore of where do we go from here, and it seems she still loves me. While I am a work in progress I have confidence in doing whats needed to build a generously hearted attempt at reconciliation

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You found texts about her wanting to leave though. It's about her being unhappy enough to want to leave. She shouldn't have spoken about it with a friend and I agree it's hurtful to you but it's a huge sign to you that she's definitely not comfortable around you and not happy in her marriage.

 

What you feel about her decision and actions isn't going to bring that person back. She's gone - mind, soul and now body. She's physically gone too now and moved on with her life (moved out). Take the time to heal and face the reality. The sooner you come to terms with the break up and acknowledge it's over /she's not in love with you, the more you're able to heal.

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Your insight is helping me see the situation in a different way, but reason for my joining site still remains. a few days ago she texts me that " I do not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear what you want and how you feel" after me being defiant for a month and displaying I was moving on.

 

I felt it was her who made it loud and clear by not agreeing to counseling and getting her own apartment. After peer pressure from coworkers, I sent a very thoughtful special lunch and flower arrangement. to make it loud and clear I still loved her.

 

SHe thanked me for the flowers and lunch. She is intelligent and strong bit does not normally display emotional intelligence. My friends and family suggest her thanking me is a step in right direction towards a reconciliation and that if she was no longer in love with me and moved on she would ask me to stop such gestures. SHe has not asked me to stop my advances in any way.

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She's done.

 

She's spent the majority of her youth with you and feeling tied down. She missed opportunities to date, travel, do crazy things, be young.

She is now wanting those things before she gets too old and now is the time.

 

You are in two different places in your life. Different perspectives, different outlooks. Age differences DO matter and will eventually catch up with you.

 

I can tell you from a woman's point of view...she is done. She does not want this marriage anymore and pizza and flowers won't change that.

 

She wants her freedom.

 

The best you can do now is let her go and file for divorce.

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.... if she was no longer in love with me and moved on she would ask me to stop such gestures. SHe has not asked me to stop my advances in any way.

Sorry buddy but I've seen that a million times both in my own breakups and here on these forums....

 

Not many people come out of a marriage and just say "Ok, thanks. Bye".....There is a weaning off period and I think that is what she is doing....

 

Although she may not be 'in love' with you anymore she probably still cares about you as you were/are a big part of her life. Makes it a little difficult to just say "F off. Leave me alone".....However, it does and will get to that point if you push it hard enough....

 

Stay Strong. Stay Healthy.

 

Carus*

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There are a lot of people here though who have seen hundreds of situations exactly like yours and are just trying to help you prepare for what is to come...

 

Sorry people aren't posting what you want to hear. You do what you need to do. I do hope it works out for you.

 

Carus*

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Well the truth is you could keep on doing what you're doing and you and your wife will end up back together and live blissfully forever more....Noone knows, stranger things have happened and there's no guarantees....And I truly do hope that is what happens for you.....We all do...

 

But none of us are just making this stuff up just to upset you...and when many different people are all saying the same thing, there's gotta be something in that no?

 

To be honest it doesn't bother me whether you consider the advice or not. Just be careful s'all.

 

Carus*

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I think her anger is also a deflection mechanism, because she doesn't have the courage to be honest that she fell out of love and checked out a long time ago. It's easier for her to blame you so she can avoid a very uncomfortable conversation in which she will have to admit she just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

She has been with you since she was 21. For most intents and purposes, you are all she knows and she never did much exploring. My strong hunch is that she regrets not having done so. Perhaps another man piqued her interest. Maybe she is simply wanting to meet other people and chart new waters for herself. I am not saying you don't own a part in the demise of the relationship, as two people usually share some accountability when things fall apart. But I am saying that you are a lot less in control of the outcome here than you'd hoped. There are certain aspects of this that are out of your hands completely.

 

You don't need to accept the deception. However, there is not a lot you can do about it beyond choosing not to continue the relationship. She is clearly not interested in trying to rekindle anything at this point. For all you know, she may also have someone else in her life she's trying to keep very quiet. Give her as wide a berth as possible and go about accepting that this has come to an end.

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“I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.”

 

I apologise in advance if anyone else addressed this. But I couldn’t read beyond this!!

 

You found out your partner was unhappy by finding rental apartments in her browser. Instead of discussing with her why she was unhappy , you told her SHE gave you no option but to leave her.

 

The next day you send her flowers (dismissive) instead of arranging a time to chat about what she might be feeling and why she might consider breaking up the family home.

 

But the flowers resulted in a minimal chat in which she gave a simple list of what she needs from the relationship.

 

And you were right , her list was simple! Why didn’t you deliver?

Instead of being present in the way she requested , you held her hand and slapped her on the ass and had sex? That’s not what she asked for???

Did you honour her request back then and seek counselling? Did you make dinner, arrange to be home with the kids so she can go out with her friends?

 

It sounds to me that you did dismiss her genuine feelings and therefore it’s no wonder she spoke about them to another?

 

Sorry!! But it might be a case of too little too late!?

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“I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc.”

 

I apologise in advance if anyone else addressed this. But I couldn’t read beyond this!!

 

You found out your partner was unhappy by finding rental apartments in her browser. Instead of discussing with her why she was unhappy , you told her SHE gave you no option but to leave her.

 

The next day you send her flowers (dismissive) instead of arranging a time to chat about what she might be feeling and why she might consider breaking up the family home.

 

But the flowers resulted in a minimal chat in which she gave a simple list of what she needs from the relationship.

 

And you were right , her list was simple! Why didn’t you deliver?

Instead of being present in the way she requested , you held her hand and slapped her on the ass and had sex? That’s not what she asked for???

Did you honour her request back then and seek counselling? Did you make dinner, arrange to be home with the kids so she can go out with her friends?

 

It sounds to me that you did dismiss her genuine feelings and therefore it’s no wonder she spoke about them to another?

 

Sorry!! But it might be a case of too little too late!?

 

How does one bridge the emotional intimacy gap? Oh by chasing her around the house and slapping her on the ass.

 

I'm sorry but this made me 🤣.

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wow. yall speak in such absolutes.

 

I agree with you.

 

I don’t agree with the conclusion that you were a bad husband.

 

And honestly we constantly tell people

 

‘They gave you no choice but to break up’

 

As well as

 

“ You teach people how to treat you”

 

So I must say I wholly disagree with the assessment that you are in the wrong for standing up for yourself and not being a doormat. TRUST me had you stayed and were crying to us ‘what do I do?’ You’d be told more than once, you have to do what’s best for you.

 

With that being said the others are right, you kicked her out.

 

That is a big deal.

 

Don’t play relationship chicken. If kicking her out was your choice you must stand by it.

 

Flowers won’t fix anything, nothing short of communication will.

 

She’s 29.

 

She’s probably not the most mature when it comes to handling all this in an adult way.

 

You marrying such a young woman well no offense, I’m gonna guess neither are you.

 

I think this marriage failed because of stubbornness, pride, age and lack of communication.

 

The age gap can’t be changed, but the others... until someone well... grows up... unfortunately this divorce is happening

 

I’m sorry.

 

This isn’t dating, this is a marriage, with children, If you want to fight for your marriage, fight for it, but stop with the gifts, talk to her.

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