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Thread: Houston, we have confusion...

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Do you go to work or are you self-employed/work from home?

    I think she's been avoiding you for about a year and gathering the courage to start over. I know you're also upset but you're coming across as a bit aggressive and controlling in your anger/resentment towards her. I'm not surprised if she's deflecting or avoiding you or avoiding any conversations with you because you're difficult to talk to or reason with.

    You used this phrase a few times (quoted below) which puzzles me because we all do have a choice. We choose how we react to situations and what we do in situations. We may not always sail through things like a figureskater on ice but we do have a choice. The first step is acknowledging that she has not given you "no choice". YOU made a decision of your own volition so start owning your choices and try not to blame her for things that have gone wrong in your marriage.







    It's not for you to allow or not unfortunately. A marriage or relationship is made up of two minds working in sync. If one isn't feeling it, that person isn't feeling it. It's best to respect that and take a step back - not lord over anyone or become more pushy about how things are supposed to be. When someone isn't happy with you and isn't in love with you the worst thing you can possibly do is struggle and force that person to want to be with you.

    Cajoling her with lunch or flowers wasn't a good idea because it's not actually acknowledging her wishes to move forwards and it's not respecting what she told you: she's not in love with you. Those actions are meant for people who are in love with each other. The more you disrespect or disregard her, the worse all of this will hurt you in the long run.

    I hope you're able to heal from your separation and eventually look back on this and appreciate the experience. Be a good dad to your kids. Life goes on.
    excellent viewpoints and I appreciate your input. Iam a work in progress. While I may seem difficult, I am nothing if not flexible. I hope to one day become as enlightened. I didnt know how else to handle uncovering the deceit and her request to leave. I did not have clarity and was blindsided. I howevernow find myself in this quagmore of where do we go from here, and it seems she still loves me. While I am a work in progress I have confidence in doing whats needed to build a generously hearted attempt at reconciliation

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You found texts about her wanting to leave though. It's about her being unhappy enough to want to leave. She shouldn't have spoken about it with a friend and I agree it's hurtful to you but it's a huge sign to you that she's definitely not comfortable around you and not happy in her marriage.

    What you feel about her decision and actions isn't going to bring that person back. She's gone - mind, soul and now body. She's physically gone too now and moved on with her life (moved out). Take the time to heal and face the reality. The sooner you come to terms with the break up and acknowledge it's over /she's not in love with you, the more you're able to heal.

  3. #13
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    Your insight is helping me see the situation in a different way, but reason for my joining site still remains. a few days ago she texts me that " I do not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear what you want and how you feel" after me being defiant for a month and displaying I was moving on.

    I felt it was her who made it loud and clear by not agreeing to counseling and getting her own apartment. After peer pressure from coworkers, I sent a very thoughtful special lunch and flower arrangement. to make it loud and clear I still loved her.

    SHe thanked me for the flowers and lunch. She is intelligent and strong bit does not normally display emotional intelligence. My friends and family suggest her thanking me is a step in right direction towards a reconciliation and that if she was no longer in love with me and moved on she would ask me to stop such gestures. SHe has not asked me to stop my advances in any way.
    Last edited by Jambalaya421; 11-28-2019 at 12:29 AM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She's done.

    She's spent the majority of her youth with you and feeling tied down. She missed opportunities to date, travel, do crazy things, be young.
    She is now wanting those things before she gets too old and now is the time.

    You are in two different places in your life. Different perspectives, different outlooks. Age differences DO matter and will eventually catch up with you.

    I can tell you from a woman's point of view...she is done. She does not want this marriage anymore and pizza and flowers won't change that.

    She wants her freedom.

    The best you can do now is let her go and file for divorce.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jambalaya421
    .... if she was no longer in love with me and moved on she would ask me to stop such gestures. SHe has not asked me to stop my advances in any way.
    Sorry buddy but I've seen that a million times both in my own breakups and here on these forums....

    Not many people come out of a marriage and just say "Ok, thanks. Bye".....There is a weaning off period and I think that is what she is doing....

    Although she may not be 'in love' with you anymore she probably still cares about you as you were/are a big part of her life. Makes it a little difficult to just say "F off. Leave me alone".....However, it does and will get to that point if you push it hard enough....

    Stay Strong. Stay Healthy.

    Carus*

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My ex wished me happy birthday. I said "thank you" because I was taught to be polite. It did not mean "I want to reconcile".

  8. 11-28-2019, 01:25 AM
    Reason
    Inappropriate comment

  9. #17
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    <removed>

    There are a lot of people here though who have seen hundreds of situations exactly like yours and are just trying to help you prepare for what is to come...

    Sorry people aren't posting what you want to hear. You do what you need to do. I do hope it works out for you.

    Carus*
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 11-28-2019 at 11:32 AM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted post.

  10. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    <Removed>

    No.

    Some of us did the dumping which is why we know she's done.
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 11-28-2019 at 11:34 AM. Reason: Removed reference to deleted post.

  11. #19
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    wow. yall speak in such absolutes.

  12. #20
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Well the truth is you could keep on doing what you're doing and you and your wife will end up back together and live blissfully forever more....Noone knows, stranger things have happened and there's no guarantees....And I truly do hope that is what happens for you.....We all do...

    But none of us are just making this stuff up just to upset you...and when many different people are all saying the same thing, there's gotta be something in that no?

    To be honest it doesn't bother me whether you consider the advice or not. Just be careful s'all.

    Carus*

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