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Admitting I have a retroactive jealousy problem


Horridhenry

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So I posted a few weeks back after I found out about my girlfriend’s sex tape with an ex. Got loads of good advice.

 

Ultimately though it’s part of a bigger problem that’s been developing over the last 4-5 months and I feel it’s a classic case of retroactive jealousy.

 

This has mainly been around feelings that I’ll never live up to her first serious relationship, which ended in a messy broken engagement some years ago. Her actions and words, alongside those of her friends and family would strongly suggest that in truth that relationship pales into insignificance now compared to what we have, but these feelings persist. I don’t bring it up often but even if I did, nothing she can’t say or do will be enough.

 

The feelings sometimes subside, but never for long. Sometimes it’s the ex fiancé I agonise over, in recent weeks that was replaced with the sex tape, sometimes both, sometimes nothing.

 

I need to own this and deal with it, this so any advice would really be appreciated. It has destroyed my mental state over the past few months and I know it’s all in my head. If I don’t deal with it I will slowly but surely ruin what is the happiest relationship I’ve had.

 

There are loads of resources about dealing with his online but most look like expensive scams and the ones I’ve manages to look at offer little beyond “just get over it.”

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Yea it's not helpful to say "just get over it"... if you could, you would I am sure!

 

Jealousy and envy are really challenging emotions as they are super uncomfortable and majorly cloud our perceptions about things.

 

The root of jealousy and envy are insecurity and greed which usually causes us to compare ourselves to others and come up short and then try to compensate in all sorts of ways.

 

I really struggle with this at times because I have a lot of insecurities. To combat this, I spend as much time as I can doing things I feel good about, so that I can continuously build my confidence and self-esteem. This includes things like eating well, sleeping well, exercising, setting goals and achieving them, taking advantage of opportunities to learn and improve my knowledge in different areas, volunteering, and doing things I enjoy with the people I care about. All of that keeps me generally pretty busy so I don't have a lot of time to dwell on the things I don't have.

 

Other things that help... looking at myself as others see me instead of what my head tells me; writing a list of things I feel grateful for and appreciative of; doing things like coaching, therapy, and journaling to bring me more self-awareness, MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) to help me stay grounded and accepting of myself and my situation.

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It’s always good to be able to spot an issue that needs working on. That said, I’d resist terminology like “retroactive jealousy,” as it kind of validates something that can looked at it more simplistic terms—like, say, immaturity.

 

That’s not a diss. No human is “fully mature,” since we are always maturing, at least until we stop breathing. But I’d say the thing to “admit” here is that you have some growing up to do so that you can be happy in an adult relationship. That keeps it small and manageable, rather than blowing it up into some condition that is devouring you.

 

Where do you think all this insecurity comes from, as at root that’s what you’re describing? The other obvious question is: Could there be a chance that you just don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, and are searching for an exit?

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My personal take is that we often lose ourselves in our relationships as we give and some of us give too much. Take some time out for yourself and start boosting your self-confidence in other ways. When we grow stagnant and stop growing in areas of our life we become insecure. We're social creatures and continuously compare ourselves, even subconsciously, to others around us and our peers. You're not abnormal for doing that. It's coded in you to do that in your DNA. Why fight it?

 

Embrace it, I say, within reason. I prefer the idea of accepting those differences and whatever parts you don't like about yourself and incorporating those things into your entire identity. Sometimes we improve on it, other times we don't. It stays on the backburner for years while we tend to other pressing items or more urgent matters in life.

 

So you're insecure and feeling like you're vulnerable and not comparable to your gf's ex. What parts? The question is rhetorical here but in your own private moments, I'd go over what parts you feel so insecure about.

 

I wouldn't be ashamed if you feel you need a time out from dating in general. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you felt it's too overwhelming for you to be in a relationship. Another thing also: most of us don't enter relationships and immediately feel comfortable or secure. There's a settling period where the dust settles. It generally takes 3 or 4 years for me to feel completely ok with someone I'm dating. That's just me. I think there's a very unrealistic expectation that plenty of couples make expecting themselves to feel confident in each other too quickly. It just doesn't happen that way.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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Re: Bluecastle (sorry didn’t quote)

 

I am 100% certain I want to be in the relationship and not sure how what I’ve said could suggest otherwise. Honestly I’m not looking to find excuses to leave. If I met someone else the exact same thing would happen given my current mindset.

 

I guess it comes from multiple sources. I grew up in a household with no rules or expectations. I was for want of a better word, a bit of a failure in life by most measures up until 30 or so. I was in a lengthy relationship that was loving but also had many toxic elements. I went through a messy, unusual and mid-spent youth in poverty. Despite having no medical issues and high testosterone I sometimes lose confidence sexually and have to pop a tadalafil to tell confident to do anything (it’s usually about 1/5th of a pill at most so largely a placebo and she doesn’t know I ever need to do this). In social situations I shift between being a dominant personality and meek depending on the situation.

 

 

My only confidence comes from 2 sources. I can be quite funny and through luck of the gene pool I’m considered quite good-looking. Even the first part of that makes me feel like as I was always told I could have been a comedian / writer and never did it.

 

The list goes on, but all the above issues were things I could deal with until a few months ago. All of a sudden these intrusive thoughts started, my mental health fell apart and in where I’m at now.

 

She has no idea about all of this.

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My personal take is that we often lose ourselves in our relationships as we give and some of us give too much. Take some time out for yourself and start boosting your self-confidence in other ways. When we grow stagnant and stop growing in areas of our life we become insecure. We're social creatures and continuously compare ourselves, even subconsciously, to others around us and our peers. You're not abnormal for doing that. It's coded in you to do that in your DNA. Why fight it?

 

Embrace it, I say, within reason. I prefer the idea of accepting those differences and whatever parts you don't like about yourself and incorporating those things into your entire identity. Sometimes we improve on it, other times we don't. It stays on the backburner for years while we tend to other pressing items or more urgent matters in life.

 

So you're insecure and feeling like you're vulnerable and not comparable to your gf's ex. What parts? The question is rhetorical here but in your own private moments, I'd go over what parts you feel so insecure about.

 

I wouldn't be ashamed if you feel you need a time out from dating in general. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you felt it's too overwhelming for you to be in a relationship. Another thing also: most of us don't enter relationships and immediately feel comfortable or secure. There's a settling period where the dust settles. It generally takes 3 or 4 years for me to feel completely ok with someone I'm dating. That's just me. I think there's a very unrealistic expectation that plenty of couples make expecting themselves to feel confident in each other too quickly. It just doesn't happen that way.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

Thanks. I’m approaching the 2 year mark. I had hoped this was a blip but it keeps coming back.

 

I suppose the main parts I’m insecure about are that he was a first love so I worry it was more intense and interesting than what we have, plus the fact I didn’t have much money until recently and internally I generally view myself as a bit of a failure, though I don’t come across that way to people. I’ve. No idea how successful this ex is, I don’t imagine she gives it much thought either.

 

Ending the relationship because I can’t handle it seems a little nuclear to me. I’ve dated dozens of women, had prior relationships (including one with a girl I loved very deeply) and from day 1 the connection and way me and current gf have gotten on has been on a different level.

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What changed a few months ago? Did you guys move in or take some kind of step where things became more “real” or “serious”? Oftentimes those steps will trigger hiccups.

 

Or has something happened, recently, that brought her ex-fiancé back into your mind? Either something she said or something you came across?

 

I get the feeling that part of you sees this relationship as “proof” that you’ve overcome a past of “failing.” That is a lot of mental pressure to put on a relationship. If you struggle to accept your own past it’s going to be hard to accept another’s. Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you reframe your own history in a less judgmental light?

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What changed a few months ago? Did you guys move in or take some kind of step where things became more “real” or “serious”? Oftentimes those steps will trigger hiccups.

 

Or has something happened, recently, that brought her ex-fiancé back into your mind? Either something she said or something you came across?

 

I get the feeling that part of you sees this relationship as “proof” that you’ve overcome a past of “failing.” That is a lot of mental pressure to put on a relationship. If you struggle to accept your own past it’s going to be hard to accept another’s. Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you reframe your own history in a less judgmental light?

 

I added some not content to my last reply to you, maybe worth having a look again as there’s more info there now.

 

We moved in 2 months ago but this has been building since May. Her ex came into conversation one time, utterly nonchalantly and I ended up down the rabbit hole, asking her questions, twisting things in my head and inventing baggage that wasn’t there. This happened occasionally over a few months until she got upset at it in September as she just didn’t know what to say to make me believe she was over him.

 

I stopped bringing it up and I thought I was over it but it’s come back the last couple of days.

 

I view myself in a horrendous and conflicting manner but to be honest I don’t view the relationship as proof of overcoming any failing. I don’t really need a relationship for validation, was ok with being single and have never had any problem in attracting or keeping partners. It’s one area of my life I can be fairly confident in at times.

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Two years isn't long at all. It took me three to four years to put my husband's previous marriage into perspective. They shared 13 years together and a lot of memories, celebrated a 10 year anniversary with the works and went through many milestones together. The first three to four years were tentative for me and I wondered how I'd ever live up to that memory especially considering they parted amicably and on very good terms. I felt like a fraction of the woman she might have been if she still was his wife. It was worse because both of us are radically different in personality. At least if he picked a second wife that resembled the first, it would seem consistent. That we were nothing alike at all disturbed me for a time and I wondered if he knew what he was doing even though that previous marriage ended. In time, all the things I felt insecure about started to smooth out. If the relationship is healthy you'll know by your partner's mannerisms and thoughts, actions and other events that his/her past is not a threat.

 

My honest opinion is that you're overthinking a whole lot and you're not putting your time and good energy to more productive and better means. This isn't me being rude to you. I'm hoping to redirect you to other areas of your life and put things in perspective. Two years is really nothing in the big picture. I do think you have unrealistic expectations of yourself and your relationship. I also think that you both have a lot to live through together in order to establish trust and security/stability (knowing and feeling confident in yourselves and your partner).

 

My husband still tests me, by the way. Since his first wife left him he has trouble trusting people. I know what his dark moments are like and I know where those moments are coming from. Maybe fortunately or unfortunately it doesn't phase me. He did a phenomenal job consistently showing me how much he loves me over the years and demonstrating his love until I grew so strong that I now feel confident filling in the gaps and understanding when he's not feeling 100% and insecure also.

 

Both of you have to learn to dance together and love each other for your faults. At two years, I still had questions about my husband's ex-wife. Lots of them. He was extraordinarily patient with me. If you don't sense these things in your partner or there are some missing qualities you're searching for, don't be afraid to recognize them. Work on them together in your relationship.

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Everything I wanted to kabosh a thought when it pops up, I mentally picture a wall smushing it from one end to another till together smushed. You also need to retrain your brain. Everytime the thought pops into your head, RUN, I mean physically. Or start doing something else to mix up signals, like rubbing your head or belly. It's weird, but it helps to disassociate the memory a bit. And go take up kick boxing or go hit a punching bag, and put all that hate into the bag, and punch it. You just need to work it out of your system.

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This can't possibly be comparable, and I'll tell you why.

 

She is not the same person she was when she was with that person and who she is today. We as people, are constantly evolving, changing, growing.

We don't think the same as we did at one time. We don't act the same, our likes and dislikes change. We have different experiences that change us, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. We are different versions of ourselves going from year to year.

It doesn't have to be drastic changes, but there are most definitely changes.

 

That being said, she is not the same person that you see in front of you now, as she was back then. No doubt she has had some growth, more experience, more understandings of the world and makes better choices and has better judgements.

He was the mistake, you are her present and future.

 

Whatever people around you might or might not think (again, you are assuming). It really has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with them.

They can not possibly compare two different situations, in two different time periods, with two different men and with two different versions of who she was/is.

It's not possible to compare.

Even so...it's not their business and they have no clue what you and she shared or now share and how close you are or what you have together in your private time.

It's not for them to know or even make judgements on.

 

Keep your mind focused on one thing and one thing only...HE WAS HER MISTAKE.

That relationship did not last, it wasn't worth it for her to remain in. It lost so much value, that she left it for good.

It was a trial run to give her more understanding and knowledge to know how to have a better relationship with someone else..but not with him...with YOU.

He was the mistake from which she learnt from.

 

The last thing you need to consider as well is this. Have you ever had any feelings for a woman in your past? Have you had relationships in the past? Did you at one time think one of these women were the greatest thing ever, only to find out they weren't so great?

People make wrong judgment calls. They make wrong decisions. They choose someone who is wrong for them.

But we learn from those mistakes, we grow from them.

 

The past is the past. It must be left behind now for your sake and for hers.

He is not worth it.

He is not worth your upset, he is not worth wasting time over or sleep or emotions or worry. He is not worth ruining your relationship over.

He is a mistake that is now left in the past and should remain there for good.

 

YOU are her present and her future. She chose YOU to have something better with.

If you and she have any current issues, that's for you as a couple to work through. But don't involve any thoughts of him or the past.

99.9% of what you are thinking and worrying about is assumptions and anxiety..it's NOT real.

 

Find a way to close this door in your mind for good, so she and you can have a good life together. So you can appreciate one another, have happiness together.

Focus on the here and now and not what does not matter and is long gone.

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I need to own this and deal with it, this so any advice would really be appreciated. It has destroyed my mental state over the past few months and I know it’s all in my head. If I don’t deal with it I will slowly but surely ruin what is the happiest relationship I’ve had.

 

There are loads of resources about dealing with his online but most look like expensive scams and the ones I’ve manages to look at offer little beyond “just get over it.”

I'm surprised that if you are so gung ho to overcome this jealousy, that you so easily write-off online help of at least some kind nor do you mention talking to a professional therapist that could/hopefully get you through to the other side of it.

 

If you don't want to invest in something that COULD help you, then why not go to your local library and check out books on how to overcome what you (rightfully) label as retroactive jealousy because that is what it is.

 

I have no idea how good or how "scammy" the reference in the link below is but perhaps its worth your time and resources to check it out or something similar. ???

 

https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/

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I'm surprised that if you are so gung ho to overcome this jealousy, that you so easily write-off online help of at least some kind nor do you mention talking to a professional therapist that could/hopefully get you through to the other side of it.

 

If you don't want to invest in something that COULD help you, then why not go to your local library and check out books on how to overcome what you (rightfully) label as retroactive jealousy because that is what it is.

 

I have no idea how good or how "scammy" the reference in the link below is but perhaps its worth your time and resources to check it out or something similar. ???

 

https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/

 

Thanks for the link. If you type in “retroactive jealousy” into google the top page is full of links offering unique cures and self-betterment methods, all for a subscription price hence the scam comment.

 

I live in Europe where professional therapy isn’t really a thing and is poorly regulated, so can’t really be trusted.

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Thanks for all the lengthy replies on this. It’s good to know that there are ways of viewing this that go beyond the standard “get over it, the past doesn’t exist” approach.

 

She has her own version of this by the way, occasional pangs of insecurity about my long-term ex. I’m assuming they’re not all-consuming like mine are, but can never be 100%.

 

Much appreciated.

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Thanks for the link. If you type in “retroactive jealousy” into google the top page is full of links offering unique cures and self-betterment methods, all for a subscription price hence the scam comment.
Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?

 

I live in Europe where professional therapy isn’t really a thing and is poorly regulated, so can’t really be trusted.

 

*sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.

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Aside from moving in has there been any other changes in your life running parallel to these thoughts surfacing? Job loss? Health scare?

 

Job loss has been a constant fear but didn’t come to fruition. Back in May I got my first job with pay and prospects suitable to my age and qualifications and ever since I’ve had a kind of “imposter syndrome” going on. The way jobs work here (not sure if it’s similar in the US) is that you usually get a 6 month period before you become permanent and before that you can be fired pretty much at will.

 

I was of the mind I’d get fired at the 6 month mark but perhaps unsurprisingly, I didn’t. Once I stopped worrying about that I went back onto worrying about the relationship.

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Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?

 

 

 

*sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.

 

As for the scams, in general if you’re offered a miracle cure for a poorly understood condition that’s isnt recognised by mainstream medicine / psychology, and asked to hand over significant sums of money for it, then it’s a scam.

 

And on therapy, it just does not exist in the part of the world I live, bar a few very expensive options (100s of dollars per hour) with no accreditation.

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I feel like you've latched onto this broken type of idea about yourself and are nursing it for some reason. Is there a reason why you're hanging on so tightly to this idea that there's something broken about yourself? I think it sounds like you're repeating a cycle and I'm really not sure what anyone on the forum can do to help you aside from pointing you towards real work in therapy. Some people never get out of therapy and continue those negative thought cycles and ideas that there's something wrong with them.

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As for the scams, in general if you’re offered a miracle cure for a poorly understood condition that’s isnt recognised by mainstream medicine / psychology, and asked to hand over significant sums of money for it, then it’s a scam.
Where on earth are you getting these ideas? Here's another link to Psychology Today about the subject...

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201804/getting-past-the-past-jealousy

 

And on therapy, it just does not exist in the part of the world I live, bar a few very expensive options (100s of dollars per hour) with no accreditation.
What part of the world do you live in? Therapy isn't cheap anywhere but its worth giving up a few perks for a while and investing in your own psyche.

 

You do have a Library in your part of the world do you not? Perhaps visit the section on self sabotage and maybe you can figure out why you are trying to sabotage this relationship with this jealousy that you seem reluctant to let go of in spite of your declarations of wanting to.

 

Mind over matter, mind over matter, mind over matter... should be your mantra.

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Everyone else’s Advice is far more eloquent and probably wiser...but I’m a simple dude, so I’ll repeat the simple advice I got a long time ago that has always worked for me:

 

Women don’t like men who are weenies. Don’t be a weenie.

 

If you get tempted to dwell on that insecurity stuff rather than dismiss it when it pops up, just remember: like dogs and bees can smell fear, women can smell a weenie from a mile away.

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Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?

 

 

 

*sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.

 

It is just an excuse not to change things. Just like blaming the parents for his lack of ambition.

 

OP, you are an adult, take control of your life, and stop making excuses and blaming others. Get some therapy, return to school and change your life.

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It is just an excuse not to change things. Just like blaming the parents for his lack of ambition.

 

OP, you are an adult, take control of your life, and stop making excuses and blaming others. Get some therapy, return to school and change your life.

 

What the hell are you talking about? I have never blamed my parents for a lack of ambition, I haven’t even mentioned them in this thread. I have a relatively high-paying job now so don’t need to go back to school.

 

Are you confusing this with another thread?! Or just looking to throw insults?

 

If you really must know, my dad died when I was 16 and due to him leaving over $300k in debt in my mum’s name we were made homeless. We sorted it out but I spent most of my 20s looking after my then-alcoholic mother and didn’t graduate until 26, around the time the global economy collapsed.

 

Over the years I built up a career, paid off debts and now am in a financial position and role suitable to my age and Masters Degree qualifications. I did all this without a penny from anyone and significant barriers in my way.

 

Maybe ask some actual facts before you make up mud to sling.

 

And as for an excuse not to change things, what part of “therapy does not exist in my county” do you not understand? I did it before, years ago at the cost of hundreds of dollars an hour for no return.

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Do you think any of the above is relevant to the issue? I’m curious.

 

You used the phrase “imposter syndrome” earlier, and I’m wondering how much that is a feeling you live with, uncomfortably. The sex tape, the fiancé: perhaps somewhere in the dwelling on these things is a fear that they were somehow more “real” and less “fraudulent” than what she has with you, since you (maybe) view yourself as an imposter, a wayward late-bloomer who manages to be in the “game” thanks to luck (looks) and little nibbles of a yellow pill (cheating).

 

I’m just riffing here, mind you, not leveling verdicts. But my personal world view, for whatever it’s worth? “Imposter syndrome” and “adulthood” are basically synonyms, with “maturity” being defined, in part, as accepting that rather than fighting it. Speaking for myself, the more comfortable/secure I got with all that, the less I felt like I had something to prove, the less life became a competition where “winning” was the salve to roiling insecurity. Confidence gets derived through acceptance (of oneself, of others) rather than through conquest (ditto). This is where therapy, to join in that chorus, can be a real godsend. Don’t bother telling me that it’s hard to find wherever you are, because I know it’s not. It’s out there.

 

Anyhow, I think you have yet to learn how to find confidence through vulnerability, something I’d say is key in adult life and critical in relationships. Implicit in some of your defensiveness and self-portraits is that you take pride in swagger, which is cockiness, not confidence. It’s hiding behind a sword and shield, rather than dropping them. You seem to “know” that you can “do well” with women, at least on a superficial level, a sword/shield you wielded early in this thread. But those “skills” don’t help inside a deepening relationship, as you’re learning. Being the funny, good-looking dude who can “get girls” gets you very little inside a committed relationship. Being vulnerable and self-accepting, on the other hand, gets you a lot.

 

It’s tough, threads like this. I’m writing with genuine hopes of helping you, but I’m not quite sure if you genuinely want help or if you’re just feeding a kind of OCD loop that soothes for a moment while reinforcing the very mechanisms you want, in theory, to disassemble. You seem to take a lot of pride in being able to shield all this turmoil from your gf, but if it’s just whirling around in a secret mental loop it’ll make itself known sooner than later. People struggle to live alongside people who have yet to learn how to live in their own skin.

 

As I said in your last post, this could all be a very awesome time for you—as a person, as a partner. But you’ve got to be willing to go there, and see it like that.

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