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Thread: Admitting I have a retroactive jealousy problem

  1. #21
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Everyone else’s Advice is far more eloquent and probably wiser...but I’m a simple dude, so I’ll repeat the simple advice I got a long time ago that has always worked for me:

    Women don’t like men who are weenies. Don’t be a weenie.

    If you get tempted to dwell on that insecurity stuff rather than dismiss it when it pops up, just remember: like dogs and bees can smell fear, women can smell a weenie from a mile away.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?



    *sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.
    It is just an excuse not to change things. Just like blaming the parents for his lack of ambition.

    OP, you are an adult, take control of your life, and stop making excuses and blaming others. Get some therapy, return to school and change your life.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    It is just an excuse not to change things. Just like blaming the parents for his lack of ambition.

    OP, you are an adult, take control of your life, and stop making excuses and blaming others. Get some therapy, return to school and change your life.
    What the hell are you talking about? I have never blamed my parents for a lack of ambition, I haven’t even mentioned them in this thread. I have a relatively high-paying job now so don’t need to go back to school.

    Are you confusing this with another thread?! Or just looking to throw insults?

    If you really must know, my dad died when I was 16 and due to him leaving over $300k in debt in my mum’s name we were made homeless. We sorted it out but I spent most of my 20s looking after my then-alcoholic mother and didn’t graduate until 26, around the time the global economy collapsed.

    Over the years I built up a career, paid off debts and now am in a financial position and role suitable to my age and Masters Degree qualifications. I did all this without a penny from anyone and significant barriers in my way.

    Maybe ask some actual facts before you make up mud to sling.

    And as for an excuse not to change things, what part of “therapy does not exist in my county” do you not understand? I did it before, years ago at the cost of hundreds of dollars an hour for no return.
    Last edited by Horridhenry; 11-28-2019 at 09:29 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Do you think any of the above is relevant to the issue? I’m curious.

    You used the phrase “imposter syndrome” earlier, and I’m wondering how much that is a feeling you live with, uncomfortably. The sex tape, the fiancé: perhaps somewhere in the dwelling on these things is a fear that they were somehow more “real” and less “fraudulent” than what she has with you, since you (maybe) view yourself as an imposter, a wayward late-bloomer who manages to be in the “game” thanks to luck (looks) and little nibbles of a yellow pill (cheating).

    I’m just riffing here, mind you, not leveling verdicts. But my personal world view, for whatever it’s worth? “Imposter syndrome” and “adulthood” are basically synonyms, with “maturity” being defined, in part, as accepting that rather than fighting it. Speaking for myself, the more comfortable/secure I got with all that, the less I felt like I had something to prove, the less life became a competition where “winning” was the salve to roiling insecurity. Confidence gets derived through acceptance (of oneself, of others) rather than through conquest (ditto). This is where therapy, to join in that chorus, can be a real godsend. Don’t bother telling me that it’s hard to find wherever you are, because I know it’s not. It’s out there.

    Anyhow, I think you have yet to learn how to find confidence through vulnerability, something I’d say is key in adult life and critical in relationships. Implicit in some of your defensiveness and self-portraits is that you take pride in swagger, which is cockiness, not confidence. It’s hiding behind a sword and shield, rather than dropping them. You seem to “know” that you can “do well” with women, at least on a superficial level, a sword/shield you wielded early in this thread. But those “skills” don’t help inside a deepening relationship, as you’re learning. Being the funny, good-looking dude who can “get girls” gets you very little inside a committed relationship. Being vulnerable and self-accepting, on the other hand, gets you a lot.

    It’s tough, threads like this. I’m writing with genuine hopes of helping you, but I’m not quite sure if you genuinely want help or if you’re just feeding a kind of OCD loop that soothes for a moment while reinforcing the very mechanisms you want, in theory, to disassemble. You seem to take a lot of pride in being able to shield all this turmoil from your gf, but if it’s just whirling around in a secret mental loop it’ll make itself known sooner than later. People struggle to live alongside people who have yet to learn how to live in their own skin.

    As I said in your last post, this could all be a very awesome time for you—as a person, as a partner. But you’ve got to be willing to go there, and see it like that.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I agree with bluecastle. It does sound like an ocd loop. A regular physician could help more than therapy.

  7. #26
    Retroactive jealousy is a part of a type of anxiety disorder called pure O or intrusive thoughts OCD. It is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's important to note that this is a psychological problem that has nothing to do with insecurity and immaturity. Yes, I do have extensive training in Psychology. Both very secure and mature people, as well as insecure immature ones can equally suffer from anxiety disorders.

    You cannot handle this online, not entirely anyway, nor can you do it all on your own. You need therapy and not drugs but the talking therapies. (Behavioral and psychoanalytic type therapy.)

    I actually have contamination OCD tendencies and my husband has pure O ones - much like yourself. What helps is to keep in mind that it's an anxiety disorder and when your life is only normally stressful you will be able to keep it under control. However, when you are under more stress than usually this will aggravate your OCD and retroactive jealosy is part of it.

    All of us get thoughts like yours, it's just that my brain is able to switch them off, ignore and dissmis them and your brain has a tendecy to dwell on them till they take on a life of their own and sometimes completely take over...Just like your brain moves on from contamination thoughts and mine has trouble with it, especially when I'm stressed out.

    So, have you been under more stress than usually, lately? It will help to reduce and eliminate unnecessary stress.

    Also, it will mean the world to both of you if you develop a habit of discussing your problem honestly and respectfully but taking it with a healthy dose of humour.

    She should hear you out, your worries, understand that it's a medical issue, respectfully reassure you,..., and you should both learn to look at it with a dose of humour.

    I just read through the entire thread. It's unfortunate that you can't access talking therapies where you live. You need to explain to your girlfriend that you have pure OCD and retroactive jealousy, otherwise she will take your questions as you not trusting her and questioning her charcter and honesty. You also shouldn't be ashamed of this, as this is just where your psychology is genetically, heraditary thin and breaks when challanged by life and stress. We all - literally all of us - have such, and many people much worse, weak spots. There's something wrong with all of us and something broken about all of us. It's what we do with our damage that counts. I am available if you need a friend to talk to. You can always PM me.

    You seem to have overcame a difficult start in life. You can beat pure OCD as well.
    Last edited by missusAshley; 11-28-2019 at 03:49 PM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    “therapy does not exist in my county”
    What country is that, Henry?
    What did you go to therapy for that last time you went ?

  9. #28
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    Thanks for all the replies. An interesting range of views going from a form of OCD, to a more general malaise brought about by immaturity and the past, to the strange evaluation of me being an unemployable who deserves everything I get.

    Without spending $500 a month on someone with no credentials, therapy options are limited in the U.K. so I think these issues are likely things I’ll have to work through myself. I’ll bow out of this thread here and will make decisions over the next few weeks as to whether or not I can stick with the girlfriend or jump ship.
    Last edited by Horridhenry; 11-29-2019 at 04:33 AM.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I don't know the story about the sex tape......but, this is why people should throw out pics/vids of their ex.

    You are worrying that the ex was better. The problem is, you don't understand how love works. When a person breaks up, they often fall out of love - so that's probably where she is regarding the ex - no feelings, so no interest.

    All that matters is the one she loves now, today - and that's you. The one they love is always the superhero. One woman's creeper is another woman's keeper. Knowledge is power.

    I would also recommend counseling for your anxiety / attitude.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    Thanks for all the replies. An interesting range of views going from a form of OCD, to a more general malaise brought about by immaturity and the past, to the strange evaluation of me being an unemployable who deserves everything I get.

    Without spending $500 a month on someone with no credentials, therapy options are limited in the U.K. so I think these issues are likely things I’ll have to work through myself. I’ll bow out of this thread here and will make decisions over the next few weeks as to whether or not I can stick with the girlfriend or jump ship.
    [Register to see the link]

    I'm not sure where in the U.K you are but a quick google search will likely yield you someone with credentials near where you live. Group type therapy is always less expensive than one-on-one as well.

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