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Thread: Admitting I have a retroactive jealousy problem

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This can't possibly be comparable, and I'll tell you why.

    She is not the same person she was when she was with that person and who she is today. We as people, are constantly evolving, changing, growing.
    We don't think the same as we did at one time. We don't act the same, our likes and dislikes change. We have different experiences that change us, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. We are different versions of ourselves going from year to year.
    It doesn't have to be drastic changes, but there are most definitely changes.

    That being said, she is not the same person that you see in front of you now, as she was back then. No doubt she has had some growth, more experience, more understandings of the world and makes better choices and has better judgements.
    He was the mistake, you are her present and future.

    Whatever people around you might or might not think (again, you are assuming). It really has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with them.
    They can not possibly compare two different situations, in two different time periods, with two different men and with two different versions of who she was/is.
    It's not possible to compare.
    Even so...it's not their business and they have no clue what you and she shared or now share and how close you are or what you have together in your private time.
    It's not for them to know or even make judgements on.

    Keep your mind focused on one thing and one thing only...HE WAS HER MISTAKE.
    That relationship did not last, it wasn't worth it for her to remain in. It lost so much value, that she left it for good.
    It was a trial run to give her more understanding and knowledge to know how to have a better relationship with someone else..but not with him...with YOU.
    He was the mistake from which she learnt from.

    The last thing you need to consider as well is this. Have you ever had any feelings for a woman in your past? Have you had relationships in the past? Did you at one time think one of these women were the greatest thing ever, only to find out they weren't so great?
    People make wrong judgment calls. They make wrong decisions. They choose someone who is wrong for them.
    But we learn from those mistakes, we grow from them.

    The past is the past. It must be left behind now for your sake and for hers.
    He is not worth it.
    He is not worth your upset, he is not worth wasting time over or sleep or emotions or worry. He is not worth ruining your relationship over.
    He is a mistake that is now left in the past and should remain there for good.

    YOU are her present and her future. She chose YOU to have something better with.
    If you and she have any current issues, that's for you as a couple to work through. But don't involve any thoughts of him or the past.
    99.9% of what you are thinking and worrying about is assumptions and anxiety..it's NOT real.

    Find a way to close this door in your mind for good, so she and you can have a good life together. So you can appreciate one another, have happiness together.
    Focus on the here and now and not what does not matter and is long gone.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I need to own this and deal with it, this so any advice would really be appreciated. It has destroyed my mental state over the past few months and I know itís all in my head. If I donít deal with it I will slowly but surely ruin what is the happiest relationship Iíve had.

    There are loads of resources about dealing with his online but most look like expensive scams and the ones Iíve manages to look at offer little beyond ďjust get over it.Ē
    I'm surprised that if you are so gung ho to overcome this jealousy, that you so easily write-off online help of at least some kind nor do you mention talking to a professional therapist that could/hopefully get you through to the other side of it.

    If you don't want to invest in something that COULD help you, then why not go to your local library and check out books on how to overcome what you (rightfully) label as retroactive jealousy because that is what it is.

    I have no idea how good or how "scammy" the reference in the link below is but perhaps its worth your time and resources to check it out or something similar. ???

    [Register to see the link]

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I'm surprised that if you are so gung ho to overcome this jealousy, that you so easily write-off online help of at least some kind nor do you mention talking to a professional therapist that could/hopefully get you through to the other side of it.

    If you don't want to invest in something that COULD help you, then why not go to your local library and check out books on how to overcome what you (rightfully) label as retroactive jealousy because that is what it is.

    I have no idea how good or how "scammy" the reference in the link below is but perhaps its worth your time and resources to check it out or something similar. ???

    [Register to see the link]
    Thanks for the link. If you type in ďretroactive jealousyĒ into google the top page is full of links offering unique cures and self-betterment methods, all for a subscription price hence the scam comment.

    I live in Europe where professional therapy isnít really a thing and is poorly regulated, so canít really be trusted.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for all the lengthy replies on this. Itís good to know that there are ways of viewing this that go beyond the standard ďget over it, the past doesnít existĒ approach.

    She has her own version of this by the way, occasional pangs of insecurity about my long-term ex. Iím assuming theyíre not all-consuming like mine are, but can never be 100%.

    Much appreciated.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    Thanks for the link. If you type in ďretroactive jealousyĒ into google the top page is full of links offering unique cures and self-betterment methods, all for a subscription price hence the scam comment.
    Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?

    I live in Europe where professional therapy isnít really a thing and is poorly regulated, so canít really be trusted.
    *sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Aside from moving in has there been any other changes in your life running parallel to these thoughts surfacing? Job loss? Health scare?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Aside from moving in has there been any other changes in your life running parallel to these thoughts surfacing? Job loss? Health scare?
    Job loss has been a constant fear but didnít come to fruition. Back in May I got my first job with pay and prospects suitable to my age and qualifications and ever since Iíve had a kind of ďimposter syndromeĒ going on. The way jobs work here (not sure if itís similar in the US) is that you usually get a 6 month period before you become permanent and before that you can be fired pretty much at will.

    I was of the mind Iíd get fired at the 6 month mark but perhaps unsurprisingly, I didnít. Once I stopped worrying about that I went back onto worrying about the relationship.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why do you automatically assume, without having tried, that they are ALL scams though?



    *sighs* Again with an excuse to not actually do anything that may help you through this. Anyway, there always is the library and I'm hoping you trust your own brain into believing that you can "just get over it." Its simply a matter of mind over matter but you don't have the mental tools yet to use the tools you need to get-over-it.
    As for the scams, in general if youíre offered a miracle cure for a poorly understood condition thatís isnt recognised by mainstream medicine / psychology, and asked to hand over significant sums of money for it, then itís a scam.

    And on therapy, it just does not exist in the part of the world I live, bar a few very expensive options (100s of dollars per hour) with no accreditation.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I feel like you've latched onto this broken type of idea about yourself and are nursing it for some reason. Is there a reason why you're hanging on so tightly to this idea that there's something broken about yourself? I think it sounds like you're repeating a cycle and I'm really not sure what anyone on the forum can do to help you aside from pointing you towards real work in therapy. Some people never get out of therapy and continue those negative thought cycles and ideas that there's something wrong with them.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    As for the scams, in general if youíre offered a miracle cure for a poorly understood condition thatís isnt recognised by mainstream medicine / psychology, and asked to hand over significant sums of money for it, then itís a scam.
    Where on earth are you getting these ideas? Here's another link to Psychology Today about the subject...

    [Register to see the link]

    And on therapy, it just does not exist in the part of the world I live, bar a few very expensive options (100s of dollars per hour) with no accreditation.
    What part of the world do you live in? Therapy isn't cheap anywhere but its worth giving up a few perks for a while and investing in your own psyche.

    You do have a Library in your part of the world do you not? Perhaps visit the section on self sabotage and maybe you can figure out why you are trying to sabotage this relationship with this jealousy that you seem reluctant to let go of in spite of your declarations of wanting to.

    Mind over matter, mind over matter, mind over matter... should be your mantra.

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