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Cold Shoulder after argument, how to proceed?


love2much

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I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. We are in our mid 30s. We had an argument a couple weeks ago which I take full responsibility for. I lashed out on him in a way that wasn't me, and I don't know why it even happened, which is not an excuse. I've been digging deep and trying to figure out why I treated him that way because I know he deserves an honest answer, but my mind is going in circles because I just can't explain what happened to me that day. To lay it out briefly, I had text him one morning because he seemed off, which is not unusual for us to ask each other -- are you okay today? I said, you seem like something's on your mind, everything ok? Well, that day, he didn't like it and started going back and forth about how he's offended I asked because he is fine. He raised his voice a bit and was defensive, and then I reacted in the same manner. That morning, I was at work running 102 fever trying to pack up to go home, I only came in because we had a memorial service for my co-worker that suddenly passed two weeks prior in our office due to a heart condition. It was a traumatic experience for me because we tried to save him and he ended up passing in front of us basically, very unexpectedly. The family was here mourning because we put together a memorial service, and the pain the wife was in was something that just put a dagger in my heart. This was on Friday, and on Saturday I had a scheduled apt to put my beloved 14 year old pet down, which was a decision I struggled A LOT with. All in all, it was a really shi*tty day for me. The argument continued, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I said "This is a great f*cking relationship..." and immediately hung the phone up. I tried to call him right back once I got out of the office to apologize that I had family members coming into my office and I felt like all I could do was hang up and call when I was packed and outside. I didn't mean those words I said, at all. If I could take it back, I would have thought for a minute, calmed down, and said "This is not us, this is not how people communicate in a good relationship, this is not right to talk to each other like this." But, instead I said something mean and hung up because I couldn't handle the anxiety and stress I had on that day.

 

This was 3 weeks ago. Since then, on two occasions when we're trying to talk about everything, it turns into a fight or I just feel as if he's throwing attitude at me over anything I say. It's impossible to feel normal around him because he is so different. It's almost as if he fell out of love with me that very second. And it's causing me a lot of pain and anxiety, so our talks turn into more fights. I know I am pushing him to work through this with me and that is the problem, so I've backed off. He's barely speaking to me still because of how much this hurt him. He just keeps telling me, I wish you wouldn't have said those words because now I wonder why am I even here? He really was an amazing guy to me and didn't deserve that outburst. I've sincerely apologized and tried to lay it out so that he understands it's not really how I felt about him or the relationship. I've sat and let him just get everything out. During his talks with him, it seems to turn onto how I need to change for myself and my daughter and that I need to take time to think about this and work on me. I know I'm not a bad person, but I feel like a terrible person to have done this. He told me that he doesn't want to treat me distant but my behavior and actions have brought it out and that this is what he needs to do to heal. If I say I miss or love him, it's met with silence. But, to him, it feels as if he was pouring his heart and life into someone who just disregarded and disrespected him like that so easily so he isn't sure if he wants to continue. He hasn't "broken up" with me, but the communication is very dry and sparse, and we only see each other if I ask to see him, it feels as if I'm losing him slowly and that one day he will just disappear for good. When we have our discussions he will say things like, Hey "dumb dumb," I say what do you even mean by calling me that, he will say you are not "dumb," so I'm showing how you are behaving and talking is seeming like it. He will say, your education and resume by far surpasses anyone I have ever met so I know you're more educated that this to tell me that communicating your feelings is what caused this. Because I had told him I have a hard time communicating my emotional feelings, and that day I didn't stop and think. I opened up to him and he knows a lot about my relationship with my ex, my child's father, and the emotional/physical damage he caused me. But, now he kind of uses it against me I feel, saying things like he has a thumb over you, or you yell at me and you can't even yell at him, or he really screwed you up but I'm not him. I worked very hard before meeting this guy to heal everything and move forward from my ex. My ex is extremely pathological, and just out to hurt. He manipulated and emotionally abused me for years. We fought, I went off on him numerous occasions and it turned into me having to get an order against him to leave me alone. Now, the dust has settled, he doesn't have any effect on me, and I feel indifference towards him so I do not react anymore because I have learned no reaction is the best. My current SO just doesn't seem to get that by me not being an a$$ to my ex, that it is because I am doing what I know is best in this situation.

 

I don't want to lose this man. But, I know it's not up to me. Nobody is required to accept an apology, and I just need to focus on myself. He said I crossed a boundary he had and that this is how he responds, and he isn't sure if he still wants to be together. The thing that I feel hurts the most, is that 2 months into our relationship, I found out he had an 8 mos old son. Not through him, but through the child's mother calling me and making false accusations. He had lied more than once to my face that he didn't have a child. He knew how much trust and honesty builds a relationship and that certain things I have been through, that is huge for me, we had talked about it. I asked him to leave so I could have some time to think about all of this, and when I was ready to talk I called him, and he explained everything in a way I understood and felt that it deserved forgiveness. It changed so much for me, because I never thought he was capable of not being honest with me, but I dug real deep and felt like that we had was worth it to try. So I tried. Maybe I hold onto that and it's causing me to lash out and try him disrespectfully because I was really hurt when I found out about his son. It wasn't that he had a son, because I have a four year old. It was that I let him into every part of my life, and I trusted him, and he knew that. There was no real good reason for him to have kept that from me, especially given my single parenthood.

 

At this point, it just hurts having someone I know I hurt just feel like is disregarding me. I don't get any good morning messages, how are you, do you need food. I barely get a glimpse of kindness from him. I am not this person I became the last couple weeks and it's my anxiety and the uncertainty literally driving me crazy. Not having his presence hurts. Not being able to call or hug him or just talk, kills me. And, I know I need to just be focusing on me. But, how can I get my mind to relax so that I can. I feel like such a horrible person honestly for doing this to someone that really adored me. I wish I could just take it all back, and I can't. What should I do?

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Why , since you were the one going through a trying time with the memorial AND laying a pet to rest , were you asking HIM was he ok??

 

I’m sorry , but he is not a nice guy at all.

 

I seriously hope you have not introduced your daughter to him especially since it has been only 6 months.

 

This guy has lied to you about significant things and now is just acting like a jerk!!

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You should've walked away two months in when the drama of his ex verbally attacking you happened. Along with a man not even telling you he had a child. That should've been brought up by at least the third date.

 

There should be rules in a relationship that once an argument is settled and apologies are issued, that the argument should no longer be rehashed, because when that happens, it's making a person continually pay the price for a past crime that's no longer being committed.

 

He doesn't sound reasonable enough to go for that rule. Most people have lashed out at partners with words they'd like to take back. What you said shouldn't spell the end in a relationship that's healthy otherwise, but what you describe has never been healthy.

 

Perhaps you thought you were in a good headspace to date after your previous, unhealthy relationship, but the fact that you saw red flags and ignored them in this relationship means you still possess low self worth, shown by wanting a man who mentally abuses you and only blaming yourself instead of seeing his major character flaws.

 

That happened to me once as well, when I was too close to the situation and hung onto hope that things would revert to how they were in the wonderful beginning. Only when I got time and distance away from this man did I shake my head at why I hadn't ditched him when I first saw the red flags. Being free from this toxic man allowed me to meet a much better man who ended up becoming my husband.

 

Take off your rose-colored glasses for your own good. I bet he's a crappy father, too, since it took so long for you to find out he was one. If you don't love yourself, you'll continue to attract abusers. Concentrate on making the holidays special for you and your child and start the new year fresh without Mr. Wrong. Take care.

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Yikes......how do you not see that you continue to choose and cling to men who are toxic. Your ex was a nightmare and this guy is a variation of the same. You seriously need to be single for a long time and find a good counselor to help you understand what is right, what is wrong and how to walk away from toxic relationships.

 

6 months in, there should be no fighting, let alone constant fighting.

 

2 months in, this guy has been lying to about his life, his child, and you decided to believe his bs AFTER his wife/gf/mother of his child accosted you as a side chic I'm guessing. You chose to believe his pity me bs. What are you doing?????? You should have dumped him cold right there and then. Don't talk about foundation of trust and honesty when you are so willing to accept lies.

 

Let's get to the current fight. You asked him if he is OK and he launched into an attacked over that, which then escalated and continued.....and you are now blaming yourself? You are blaming yourself for a fight HE picked with you. I mean do you understand what I'm getting at here? You are being mindfck'ed by this guy to kingdom come and beyond and you are totally falling for it.

 

On top of that, he is using your painful past against you. Do you not understand that no decent or even half decent person would ever do that to you?

 

What is it about this toxic conflict, toxic behavior, being manipulated and abused that attracts you? You seriously don't want to lose a jerk like this? Really? You should have kicked him out with extreme prejudice long ago. Good news is you can do that right now and please....sort yourself out and what you keep getting yourself into and why and don't ever tolerate this kind of garbage again. Learn how to walk away from toxic people instead of buying their bs.

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You're deliberately choosing men who tell you you're not good enough.

 

Is it that YOU don't believe you're "good enough" despite your impressive resume?

 

Remember, you're teaching your daughter how to conduct relationships. Think carefully about what it is you want her to learn.

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To lay it out briefly, I had text him one morning because he seemed off, which is not unusual for us to ask each other -- are you okay today?
First off, this gets really annoying, really fast. Try not to make a habit of it or make it a "usual" occurrence. That's just generalized advice for this or any [hopefully] other future relationship.

 

Second, obviously you're entitled to having a bad day. I'd half respect him if he'd taken the outburst and took that opportunity to look back to all the drama with his lying about his kid, all the "are you OK's," and whatever else you may not have shared, realizing that yeah, your comment probably wasn't too far from the truth. Rather, he's pitching a fit.

 

I don't know. I honestly had to look back and verify that I'd read correctly it'd only been 6 months. Any continuance is a big, fat "why?" in my book.

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Sounds like you were processing a bunch of traumatic and emotional stuff and couldn't keep a lid on it any longer.

 

You may have your reasons for loving this guy... from the outside looking in I see nothing but red flags waving everywhere... from his response to your text, to the fact that he didn't tell you he had a kid, to his having an ex that is a lunatic, to his behaving like a 3 year old that isn't getting his way.

 

I think it's time for you to put yourself first... stop chasing him around trying to fix him, and focus on yourself and your situation.

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We had an argument a couple weeks ago which I take full responsibility for. .
Well, first off, it takes two people to argue but it only takes one to hold a grudge over that argument and continue to manipulate and punish over it. HE took offence to you being kind and took it out on you instead of kindly telling you that you needn't ask, if there was anything wrong he would tell you even if it is annoying to hear ad nauseum. It's common courtesy after all.

 

This guy sucks (and not in the good way). Get yourself away from him, get yourself into therapy to help you figure out why you keep picking turds for a partner and please, please, please keep you daughter away from all of your choices until you are absolutely sure that they are decent, loving men with a good steady job, no baby mommas in the picture and if there is, they are financially taking care of those children and being a steady, positive male influence to those children. In other words, a responsible, grown-ass man who has his stuff together.

 

Be glad he's gone. Don't contact him again and if/when he contacts you, tell him it's over, to have a good life and don't contact you again. Finish this! He's not a good man.

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First off, this gets really annoying, really fast. Try not to make a habit of it or make it a "usual" occurrence. That's just generalized advice for this or any [hopefully] other future relationship.

 

There are people who would find it annoying, and there are people who would appreciate it as an expression of love and support (provided it's not every other day). If the OP is the observant and attentive type, I would suggest she pick partners with similar traits and stay away from those who get annoyed by her act of love, rather than morph herself in order not to offend incompatible people.

 

Given the bf's record of lying over his child, I would not be surprised if he was actually hiding something else behind OP's back and therefore got defensive when she asked. Now he might be contemplating whether to maintain the relationship with further lies or to sever it for good. I wouldn't wait for his decision.

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I don't think you moved on very far after your last ex sadly. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Take more time to heal and put this relationship behind you. It's no relationship at all.

 

My really honest opinion: he's jealous of you. You have things and security in your relationships and other areas you've established that he doesn't have. He doesn't like that you're usually put together, confident, a good mum and have a good resume or educational background. He's looking for loopholes to vilify you because he's not secure in himself. Jealousy will cause people to do a lot of things and sometimes that means holding grudges and not processing hurt properly.

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There are people who would find it annoying, and there are people who would appreciate it as an expression of love and support (provided it's not every other day). If the OP is the observant and attentive type, I would suggest she pick partners with similar traits and stay away from those who get annoyed by her act of love, rather than morph herself in order not to offend incompatible people.
At best, it's driven by insecurity. Worse and more likely, it's a lack of respect for your partner to emotionally regulate themselves, whether it means knowing when to lean on someone or internalizing in a way that doesn't taint the atmosphere. Even more to the crux of the matter, it establishes that it's essentially just not OK to have an off day or off moments without being scrutinized for it, which seems to unsurprisingly have backfired on the OP.
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At best, it's driven by insecurity. Worse and more likely, it's a lack of respect for your partner to emotionally regulate themselves, whether it means knowing when to lean on someone or internalizing in a way that doesn't taint the atmosphere. Even more to the crux of the matter, it establishes that it's essentially just not OK to have an off day or off moments without being scrutinized for it, which seems to unsurprisingly have backfired on the OP.

 

What's interesting about this is that I understand what you're saying here. It's funny because, throughout our relationship, he was CONSTANTLY asking you ok? Everything okay? If I hadn't responded to him quickly, or if I didn't respond the way he thought I would, or what he thought was "short." Eventually I started doing the same thing thinking, that's just how we communicate- just checking in on each other. This is perfect example... the other day, he said "you ok?" I said yes, everything good just doing laundry. Again, he asked, "Everything okay..." I'm like yes I'm good, why wouldn't I be okay haha? So then I said, Are you okay? He didn't responsd, I asked again to make a point you okay? And he lost it on me, then went cold because he said I didn't trust him or didn't realize that he was just busy and doesn't know why I kept asking.

 

I didn't always ask, are you okay, there was a lot of things I didn't used to do, like constantly ask what he was doing, or check in every hour. I never was like that in a relationship. But he just did it, he would text hourly updates and so I just returned it thinking that's what he appreciated in relationships.

 

I see what you're saying and I would like to avoid that in the future in event I decide to date again haha.

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So, what are you going to do with the turd you are currently dating?...

 

I realize that he has every right to end a relationship with me that he thinks busted a boundary of his and was disrespectful. But, I think it's been less than kind of him to continue raking me over the coals instead of trying to figure out a resolution. Other than that part of myself that I showed that day. I told him that I have to remove myself from the situation because it's hurting me more being treated with indifference. Honestly, my guts telling me 1) He's not being honest about something that is making it easier for him to just push me away in hopes I end it or 2) He already has it made up in his mind he wanted to end it just didn't want to be the one so he was being rude and distant knowing eventually I would give up.

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I opened up to him and he knows a lot about my relationship with my ex, my child's father, and the emotional/physical damage he caused me. But, now he kind of uses it against me

 

This in of itself is abusive.

You didn't handle your end in the best possible way, but this guy is a piece of work.

You don't really get to know someone when things are vanilla and new. One true test of someones character is when they are under stress and during conflict.

 

Between all of this and him purposely not telling you he had a child! - Dear, I'd cross the street if I saw him coming.

 

You could have better handled you part, but it doesn't negate his response. At least you are trying to fix what you've done. He doesn't come close to owning his and continues to punish you with it.

 

I'd call this a day.

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He lied to you about having a child. He uses your past against you. He refuses to even try to understand that you went through a traumatic time with your co worker and pet.

 

Why are you even with this clown? He does not respect you, definitely does not love you...I wouldn't even call that a friend.

 

Are you scared of being alone?

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At best, it's driven by insecurity. Worse and more likely, it's a lack of respect for your partner to emotionally regulate themselves, whether it means knowing when to lean on someone or internalizing in a way that doesn't taint the atmosphere. Even more to the crux of the matter, it establishes that it's essentially just not OK to have an off day or off moments without being scrutinized for it, which seems to unsurprisingly have backfired on the OP.

 

While I could see where you are coming from, there is a broad spectrum of perceptions around this, which is why I have to disagree with your "generalized advice for any relationship," especially in the OP's case. The BF is showing who he really is, which is - however hurtful at the moment - a blessing in disguise to the OP. I can't see how her refraining from asking "are you ok" would have helped. At best it would delay her seeing his character and prolong the pain.

 

Some couples would leave each other alone when stressed/in pain/having a bad day and let them "emotionally regulate themselves." Others like to talk things out and face them together. Yet others show their support by little acts of kindness, e.g., hugs and kisses, back rubs, helping out with chores, or simply acknowledging that you see they are having a bad day and letting them know that you'll be there should they need anything, which seems to be what the OP was trying to do. Of course excessive inquires like this can feel irritating or controlling, but without further context you can't tell if that's the situation here.

 

Everybody is entitled to feel the way they feel and to seek partners that suit their style, but no need to paint those who have different styles insecure or disrespectful. If anything, equalizing a question of "are you okay" to scrutiny can be indicative of negative thinking patterns that are often destructive in a relationship.

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What's interesting about this is that I understand what you're saying here. It's funny because, throughout our relationship, he was CONSTANTLY asking you ok? Everything okay? If I hadn't responded to him quickly, or if I didn't respond the way he thought I would, or what he thought was "short." Eventually I started doing the same thing thinking, that's just how we communicate- just checking in on each other. This is perfect example... the other day, he said "you ok?" I said yes, everything good just doing laundry. Again, he asked, "Everything okay..." I'm like yes I'm good, why wouldn't I be okay haha? So then I said, Are you okay? He didn't responsd, I asked again to make a point you okay? And he lost it on me, then went cold because he said I didn't trust him or didn't realize that he was just busy and doesn't know why I kept asking.

 

I didn't always ask, are you okay, there was a lot of things I didn't used to do, like constantly ask what he was doing, or check in every hour. I never was like that in a relationship. But he just did it, he would text hourly updates and so I just returned it thinking that's what he appreciated in relationships.

 

Sounds like he's the insecure one here. Also with his reaction to your question you got a glimpse of what he was thinking when he "checked in" on you all those times.

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I realize that he has every right to end a relationship with me that he thinks busted a boundary of his and was disrespectful. But, I think it's been less than kind of him to continue raking me over the coals instead of trying to figure out a resolution. Other than that part of myself that I showed that day. I told him that I have to remove myself from the situation because it's hurting me more being treated with indifference. Honestly, my guts telling me 1) He's not being honest about something that is making it easier for him to just push me away in hopes I end it or 2) He already has it made up in his mind he wanted to end it just didn't want to be the one so he was being rude and distant knowing eventually I would give up.
So, are you going to actually break up with him and tell it to him straight that you are ending it with him because he's a turd and he's shown you in several ways, at several different times that he is or are you just going to let him continue to emotionally abuse you?
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So, are you going to actually break up with him and tell it to him straight that you are ending it with him because he's a turd and he's shown you in several ways, at several different times that he is or are you just going to let him continue to emotionally abuse you?

 

Yes, there's nothing left for me.

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6 months and he has shown you what he's all about. Cut it off now and run.

 

You need some time to yourself and ensure that you stop choosing these busters for you and your daughter. Believe it when I say these people are good at hiding who they're really but if they start showing their identity at this time, you need to take that as a blessing and cut him off. Because if someone loves you, they understand you've been having a rough time and not using your emotions against you even days after.

 

When you meet a keeper, you will know.

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