Confused living with the ex

Very confused.

As per my previous post, I found my partner of 10 years was 'Emotionally Cheating' with her Boss. I immediately finished with her and was determined to move on, we own a house together which obviously makes things more difficult, I said i would buy her out which would take a little time. I didn't even look at her or talk to her for 2 months whilst still in the same house. Only in the last month have we been more amicable.

The confusing parts are that she would say stuff like 'Will my Boyfriend talk to me' 'Can i have a hug?'(only a few weeks ago) to which I refused. My family then said maybe you should talk and work things out which kind of confused me. Was there Hope? could things be worked out etc...? as nothing physical had happened.

Then today she was working from home when she sneakily slipped off with her phone, I found out again she was talking to this boss, lets face it they probably talk all the time but this seemed sneaky. (I just can't trust her anymore) Probably my own fault for thinking there was a glimmer of hope which set me back, however she would need to initiate that not me as i've done nothing wrong!

So now this slanging match we had today has upset and confused me.

Sorry to hear this, very confusing indeed. Right now she thinks you two are living as partners, no? Does she know you know about this boss? What is it you hope to see in the future? Have you considered couples counselling to clear the air in the presence of a neutral professional? That may get the conversation started, whether to stay or go. Right now she has the comforts of you at home and her friend/boss outside of home.

Sure enough I found a whole bunch of chit chat messages to each other indicating they were more than just colleagues. Such lines as:

- (HIM "what would he say if you said you fancied someone else?", HER - "I think our relationship would have to be based on honesty, especially after all we went through")

- (HIM - I love u, and you kinda like me, so lets see where it goes, i will work hard trying to make you love me again)

- When we were visiting her family abroad with my parents, (HIM "Hows your holiday?" HER - "You will come next year :))

- HIM “Lets go for a romantic weekend, seriously, I would love to lie in bed with you”.

- And generally her putting me down.

 

 

So now this slanging match we had today has upset and confused me.

Begin confused after everything that transpired is a choice.

I get staying physically for this long after the fallout creates the opportunity to be civil to each other after the dust settles.

But what you've just been reminded is she is someone you chose to end things with, for good reason and she's someone who broke your trust.

Thank her for the reminder and continue moving forward. No more confusion necessary. Everything is perfectly clear.

What if anything has been done in an attempt to separate things? As you can see stalling doing so just creates more unnecessary drama and misunderstandings.

Then today she was working from home when she sneakily slipped off with her phone, I found out again she was talking to this boss, lets face it they probably talk all the time but this seemed sneaky. (I just can't trust her anymore) Probably my own fault for thinking there was a glimmer of hope which set me back, however she would need to initiate that not me as i've done nothing wrong!

So now this slanging match we had today has upset and confused me.

if she is your ex and you are living together or convenience, does it really matter who she talks to?

You refused hugs, etc so you are sending a clear message to her.

Can SHE buy you out of the house or can you just sell it and both get out? Or one get a roommate in the meantime until that's practical? One of you has to leave for healing to happen

Has she given you some actions or words that indicate that she doesn't want you to end the relationship?

Have you discussed any of it or did you just stay 'that's it?'

You've not given any indication that either of you want to reconcile and work through this so if that is the case, then yes what difference does it make if she sneaks to talk to her boss? The relationship is over. If you don't like her interacting with him as long as she is still living there then maybe you should move out until you get things together in order to buy her out???

You should talk to a lawyer to find out your rights and obligations before you do anything though.

It shouldn't matter who she's talking to. It's over. Count it as completely over. Try spending your time with friends, family, engage with your hobbies. If it's not feasible buying her out for the home, don't hang onto illusions about it. I suspect this is a reason to keep hanging onto your ex (by telling yourself you can buy her out even though it's an unreasonable proposition given your finances or budget). The relationship is completely over. Be kind to yourself by calling a spade a spade.

She wants cake (validation from affair partner And you). Trust that she sucks and get reading Chump Lady (an excellent blig about surviving infidelity)

Sorry you’re hurting. This must be a very uncomfortable situation for you. If there’s absolutely no way of moving separately before you buy her out, I’d recommend being as clear about your needs and intentions as possible. Meaning, if she asks for a hug or calls you boyfriend inappropriately, tell her flat out that you will not be that person for her, unless she chooses to try again, but 100% committed to you and with marital counseling. She must in that case cease all contact with the boss and commit fully to trying to build something with you again. From there you can see how you feel and if you can in time forgive her. However, if you don’t want her in your life in that way anymore i would flat out turn down any advances she makes, tell her in no uncertain terms that you guys are over and work on buying her out or other arrangements as soon as possible. Being separated and living under the same roof after such a long marriage sounds like it’d be impossible to adequately move on. It’s easy for lines to get blurred, but her will is weak, so you’ll have to be the stronger one here.

Right now she wants to stay in your good graces for whatever reason. Perhaps she’s enjoying the comfort of having you around while the “pressure” to be faithful is gone, since you are technically separated. She might be unsure about how the boss affair will pan out and is keeping you as a safety net, hence her cutesy comments, hugs etc. Either way, she’s really playing you both and does not sound like a good catch at all.

Someone who cares about you will never cheat on you. It's that simple.

All her talk is nothing more than cheaters do not like consequences and love duping their partners - the thrill of deceit. So, your instinctive response to her, to tell her it's over and completely refuse to engage with her further has been absolutely correct. Just stay tough and carry on. You have seen who she is, you have seen her character or rather lack of, she is not going to change and become a different person. Her sneaking off was a timely reminder for you that she is still the same cheater and you need to focus on parting ways in terms of the living situation asap.

To lessen the tensions and preserve your sanity, consider spending more time away, at friends' homes, go work at a library if you must work from home, etc. Most importantly, work hard to getting the house situation settled. Do you really need to buy her out or can she buy you out or simply put the house up for sale and part ways that way.

I found my partner of 10 years was 'Emotionally Cheating' with her Boss.

What constituted emotional cheating, exactly?

What constitutes emotional Cheating? Secretly sexting with her boss for months on end. Hiding texts from me and then when I walked in on her working from home heard her say "ssshhh he's suspicious". Hey I could go more in depth about it, but this was clearly a relationship on an emotional level. Nothing physical and I think I believe her, but hey who knows!

Clearly there was something missing in our relationship, however that doesn't give persmission to cheat - just talk to your partner about things!

I feel her boss was manipulative because of failings in his own relationship, he's since recently spit from his wife and has 3 kids. So I feel my partner felt vulnerable in our relationship her head was turned, I dunno maybe I'm making excuses for her here as I know it takes two to tango!I believe she may have resisted for a while.

How on earth this would develop or even last I don't know, two messed up people on rebounds? or colleagues who are right for each other?

I feel very angry at her but also at him and have a good mind to report him to their company HR dept. I'm seriously considering it!

Have you sought legal advice from an attorney in your area? I'd learn my best possible options for self protection, and I'd pursue the best avenue to get myself away from this woman as quickly as possible. That would give me something constructive to focus on instead of derailing over someone who's been disloyal to me.

Sorry to hear this. There is nothing to "report", you are simply angry looking for revenge. You'll make a fool of yourself and it won't fix anything or accomplish anything. You have no standing and you have no proof, besides coworkers can flirt. Don't waste your time making matters worse. It will simply bring them closer together against you.

You have 2 choices. Separate or go to counseling. Rather than seethe with vengeance, try to come up with viable solutions for yourself. Get to a lawyer and get the house thing and other financials severed. Stop living as cheating/jealous roommates. Stop play cat-and-mouse games. Get it out in the open in counseling or move out/buy her out..

I feel very angry at her but also at him and have a good mind to report him to their company HR dept. I'm seriously considering it!

Sorry to hear this. Is she still in the house or did you get her out?

we own a house together which obviously makes things more difficult, I said i would buy her out which would take a little time. I didn't even look at her or talk to her for 2 months whilst still in the same house. Only in the last month have we been more amicable. Was there Hope? could things be worked out etc...? as nothing physical had happened.