My ex isn't ready to get back together yet but wants to be friends

My ex broke up with me after being in a LDR for four years several months ago. We were in NC for a whole month before I broke it to check up on her about a weather event that was forecasted for her city and I was worried. We ended up talking to each other every day since. It feels amazing because it feels like we didn't break up at all, but it's a frustrating situation to be in because I spend every minute analyzing her words and actions to see if it points towards her wanting to be together again.

I asked her if she would like to reconcile eventually and she expressed apprehension at the idea because she thinks it's too soon and doesn't want to fall back into a relationship that may end again for the same reasons. I stopped pushing the idea of getting back together, but asked if she would like to meet in person sometime to hang out since it's been so long since we've seen in each other person. She said she liked the idea, but was afraid seeing each other would complicate things.

She wants to talk to me every day and she calls me regularly to chat and we talk for hours on the phone when we do. We recently started to FaceTime again. It's really starting to feel like how it did in the beginning of our relationship when we were just having fun and enjoying each other's company.

There's a lot that makes me feel like there is potential for us to get back together, but on the other hand I don't know if she'll ever feel ready to get back together. I can't bear the thought of being her friend for months, just for her to realize that getting back together isn't what she wants or that she'll find someone else while I'm not getting over her at all. I'm in a tough spot. I don't know if I should walk away and tell her to contact me when she makes up her mind, or if I should continue to be her friend and see where that leads us. I'm thinking that if I cut her off and do NC, she'll just lose whatever feelings she has for me right now and forget about any reconciliation. But if I stick around, maybe I'm just helping her wean off me. Please help.

Why did both of you break up? Some background might help you work through your thoughts and reconcile your present with your past. You're not reconciling it because you may be in denial of what's happened in the past (denying that the end ever happened or was warranted in the first place).

You have to make peace with that end in order to move forwards. Forcefully or aggressively pushing for your own personal agenda with this type of history and break up inbetween isn't healthy.

You should watch videos by Coach Lee on YouTube. He got a lot of content around your situation. His website is myexbackcoach.com.

I think you should give your ex more time while still continuing to talk to her. Make her laugh, make her miss the times she had with you. You would start seeing an inclination from her side if she's ready to meet up for coffee or something. When you meet, keep it light and don't talk about getting back together. Just be playful but at the same time, a bit flirtatious and make her feel beautiful. Try to squeeze in a second meet up and if that leads to sex, she might be willing to come back.

My own logic tells me that this is what I should do, but I feel like there is potential for me to get hurt. Her telling me that she isn't "ready to be together right now" is what keeps me in limbo. I just don't know if she's keeping me around because she only wants me as a friend, forever, or if it's because eventually she hopes that we can reconcile when she feels ready.

Why did both of you break up? Some background might help you work through your thoughts and reconcile your present with your past. You're not reconciling it because you may be in denial of what's happened in the past (denying that the end ever happened or was warranted in the first place).

 

You have to make peace with that end in order to move forwards. Forcefully or aggressively pushing for your own personal agenda with this type of history and break up inbetween isn't healthy.

We were just fighting way too often and it was taking a huge mental toll on both of us, her especially, so she ended it. I know now where I went wrong. The time we spent apart helped me reflect a lot on myself as a person and I know now how to be a better partner. Coming to terms with my own flaws and being able to self-reflect put our relationship into perspective a lot. I don't think that I'm in denial. I just genuinely love her and want to be with her because she is my best friend and I can't imagine being with someone else. I do agree that being forceful isn't the way to go, I just don't know how else to approach this situation when there is a lot of anxiety and potential pain in being friends with someone you love so much.

We both agree that being friends like this isn't helping either one of us move on, but she doesn't seem to mind because she actively seeks me out to talk every day. So, should I take that as an indication that there is hope for reconciliation in the future?

No. I think she is using you as a crutch and she is not strong enough to withstand a relationship due to her own personal issues either with you or with herself. This person needs time and work on herself. Nothing you say or do will be good enough for her, unfortunately.

All couples do experience tough times but commitment is important. If she wasn't committed enough in the same way to work through it and considering she finds it more appealing to have you but not give of herself, these are warning signs that this person is not ok.

Use your better judgment and be more self-aware and aware of those around you. She needs to work on herself. This has very little to do with you. Even if she does agree to jump back into a relationship with you, the cracks are still there if she doesn't acknowledge her weaknesses and inability to face hardships or find solutions in a committed relationship.

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No. I think she is using you as a crutch and she is not strong enough to withstand a relationship due to her own personal issues either with you or with herself. This person needs time and work on herself. Nothing you say or do will be good enough for her, unfortunately.

 

All couples do experience tough times but commitment is important. If she wasn't committed enough in the same way to work through it and considering she finds it more appealing to have you but not give of herself, these are warning signs that this person is not ok.

 

Use your better judgment and be more self-aware and aware of those around you. She needs to work on herself. This has very little to do with you. Even if she does agree to jump back into a relationship with you, the cracks are still there if she doesn't acknowledge her weaknesses and inability to face hardships or find solutions in a committed relationship.

I agree that she needs to work on herself. She acknowledges herself that she has a lot to work on too and part of the reason she doesn't want to get back together is because she knows she needs to focus on herself and take care of herself because it wouldn't be fair to me to only have half of her efforts. I respect that immensely. I know it's not easy to be in an LDR though, I know deciding to make such a huge commitment in the midst of trying to work on yourself is difficult which is why I am so torn. A part of me wants to just be in her life and just be there as she figures out what she wants and what she needs, but a part of me feels like I need to disappear from her life so she can 100% do that on her own. I'm just afraid that in the process of removing myself from her life, I'll kill all chances of us ever getting back together. But I guess that's a risk I'll have to take if that's the right thing to do? I don't know.

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? When did it become long distance? How often did you see each other? What was the breakup about? The only problem with staying in the friendzone like this is that it is wasting your time and not letting you move forward. It will keep her company until she finds someone new, though, so don't do it.

My ex broke up with me after being in a LDR for four years several months ago.

asked if she would like to meet in person sometime to hang out since it's been so long since we've seen in each other person.

 

She wants to talk to me every day and she calls me regularly to chat and we talk for hours on the phone when we do. We recently started to FaceTime again. I should continue to be her friend and see where that leads us.

I don't know if I should walk away and tell her to contact me when she makes up her mind

^^^ your words ..are the answer

I agree. end contact again. It gives you false hope.

Remember SHE didn't reach out to get back together, you contacted her about something that doesn't matter - the weather. If its bad, she has friends and neighbors. what's an ex in another state going to do? Zip.

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? When did it become long distance? How often did you see each other? What was the breakup about? The only problem with staying in the friendzone like this is that it is wasting your time and not letting you move forward. It will keep her company until she finds someone new, though, so don't do it.

We met through Instagram and we were always long distance, but saw each other every few months. We broke up because we were fighting too much and it became too much to handle mentally for her. I agree with you that it prevents me from moving forward, which I wouldn't mind so much if there was hope that she'll be ready to get back together in the future. But from what I'm getting from others on this thread, that might not be such a good idea.

We met through Instagram and we were always long distance, but saw each other every few months. We broke up because we were fighting too much and it became too much to handle mentally for her. I agree with you that it prevents me from moving forward, which I wouldn't mind so much if there was hope that she'll be ready to get back together in the future. But from what I'm getting from others on this thread, that might not be such a good idea.

What is the point of getting back together if you are so far apart?

We met through Instagram and we were always long distance, but saw each other every few months. We broke up because we were fighting too much and it became too much to handle mentally for her. I agree with you that it prevents me from moving forward, which I wouldn't mind so much if there was hope that she'll be ready to get back together in the future. But from what I'm getting from others on this thread, that might not be such a good idea.

It sounds like you're living in delusion. This isn't the way to live. Have you ever had a relationship or is this your first go? Don't fall for internet and online romances. Meeting someone on instagram and meeting up when you're in different cities is a fantasy idea/world and not reality. Try meeting people closer to home, more local to you. There is no way to get a true idea of someone unless you see them on a regular basis or have the opportunity to spend time in person with that person.

What is the point of getting back together if you are so far apart?

Distance was never a dealbreaker. We had plans to settle down together after we graduated college, which we did earlier this year. If we stayed together, we would finally be living together right now in one place.

It sounds like you're living in delusion. This isn't the way to live. Have you ever had a relationship or is this your first go? Don't fall for internet and online romances. Meeting someone on instagram and meeting up when you're in different cities is a fantasy idea/world and not reality. Try meeting people closer to home, more local to you. There is no way to get a true idea of someone unless you see them on a regular basis or have the opportunity to spend time in person with that person.

I've had relationships before, yes, but this one is by far the most serious one. We have met each other in person and spent time together many many times over the four years we were together. This isn't one of those online romances where the two people have never met or met once or twice. We met frequently. Although we don't get to be with each other on a regular basis, we facetime and have regular phone calls and it makes up for not getting to physically be together. I understand that LDR of these sorts don't make sense to people who have never been in them. But it was always worth it to the both of us and we wouldn't have stayed together for as long as we did if we didn't think it was worth it. Our relationship was as real as any relationship that could have occurred between two people within the same vicinity, if not, even more real because the entire relationship was built on friendship and pure love.

Don't be friends...you are letting her have her cake and eat it too. Best to just leave it and tell her...."you know where to find me if you change your mind. Just remember I can't wait forever".

I feel you feel you're being judged. That's not my intention. Since you are convinced this is meant to be, maybe try working it out with her for as much as you feel it's worth doing so. No one else can help you otherwise if you're not willing to see things from a different perspective. (Hard, I know)

She doesn't want to be with you at the end of the day. It's a sad thing to see a man waste away his life pining over a woman who doesn't want to be with him or trying to reason against reason how logical their romance is and great it is when it isn't even a romance anymore (it's over). I don't know about you but there is so much more to life than this. You deserve better and so does she.

Don't be friends...you are letting her have her cake and eat it too. Best to just leave it and tell her...."you know where to find me if you change your mind. Just remember I can't wait forever".

Seems like everyone has expressed the same sentiments and I'm starting to see the rationale in it. Thank

I feel you feel you're being judged. That's not my intention. Since you are convinced this is meant to be, maybe try working it out with her for as much as you feel it's worth doing so. No one else can help you otherwise if you're not willing to see things from a different perspective. (Hard, I know)

 

She doesn't want to be with you at the end of the day. It's a sad thing to see a man waste away his life pining over a woman who doesn't want to be with him or trying to reason against reason how logical their romance is and great it is when it isn't even a romance anymore (it's over). I don't know about you but there is so much more to life than this. You deserve better and so does she.

I did feel a little judgment there, but only because you implied I'm living a delusion—which I completely understand, no hard feelings! Thank you for clarifying. I've been telling myself the same thing lately, that there is more to life than this. It is indeed hard to take the perspective of others, but everyone's input has definitely put things into perspective for myself. Sometimes you need other people to be your voice of reason when you're stubbornly holding onto something that doesn't make sense to hold onto. Mourning a good romance is never easy, but I agree at the end of the day if someone doesn't want to be with you anymore then maybe it's best to leave things alone. Thank you all for your replies!

But was it a good romance? She may not be a bad person, per say, but she at least had huge reservations about the way you both fought together. Are you sure it was a good romance at all? The reason why I'm asking is because I think you've still got blinders on. Hopefully bit by bit, as you are able to remove the blindfolds and rose-coloured lenses, you'll realize this wasn't what you originally thought. I think you need time to heal on your own. One day at a time.

But was it a good romance? She may not be a bad person, per say, but she at least had huge reservations about the way you both fought together. Are you sure it was a good romance at all? The reason why I'm asking is because I think you've still got blinders on. Hopefully bit by bit, as you are able to remove the blindfolds and rose-coloured lenses, you'll realize this wasn't what you originally thought. I think you need time to heal on your own. One day at a time.

Our relationship definitely wasn't perfect and I think it was mainly because we started our relationship at a very young age. We met fresh out of high school, dated all throughout our college years. I think those years are pivotal years for a person's growth and mental development and it can be very challenging and also confusing. We fought a lot because we were unable to see eye to eye on things and I know that there's no way we can have a successful relationship now if we don't grow up. I feel like I have grown tremendously since we broke up and in some ways, she has too, but there is always more room for improvement on both ends. I wish that we can grow together, but I don't know if in our case it's ideal. I think maybe it would be best if we separated for a long time to grow and learn, but the sad part of that is there is never a guarantee that we'll find a way back to each other.

Other than that, I call it a good romance because things between us have always been very natural. Being with her feels easy, never forced. She's my best friend and our chemistry is impeccable. Again, maybe that's just me speaking through rose-colored lenses, but I'm sure I'll never meet someone who meshes so well with me ever again. I'll love again, no doubt, but probably not in the way that I loved her.

I'll love again, no doubt, but probably not in the way that I loved her.

There's a good chance you won't and that's usually because we aren't static as human beings either. You'll grow and evolve too and your perceptions will change including your ideas of what love means over time. Your ability to perceive and love and stretch your heart over time will change. Your ideas on how others should be in relationships (your expectations) will also change and your expectations of yourself will change over time. This is all very normal and it's okay to feel sad that this part of your life is unique and cannot be replicated. I don't think it can. Each love is different.

Our relationship definitely wasn't perfect and I think it was mainly because we started our relationship at a very young age. We met fresh out of high school, dated all throughout our college years. I think those years are pivotal years for a person's growth and mental development and it can be very challenging and also confusing. We fought a lot because we were unable to see eye to eye on things and I know that there's no way we can have a successful relationship now if we don't grow up. I feel like I have grown tremendously since we broke up and in some ways, she has too, but there is always more room for improvement on both ends. I wish that we can grow together, but I don't know if in our case it's ideal. I think maybe it would be best if we separated for a long time to grow and learn, but the sad part of that is there is never a guarantee that we'll find a way back to each other.

 

Other than that, I call it a good romance because things between us have always been very natural. Being with her feels easy, never forced. She's my best friend and our chemistry is impeccable. Again, maybe that's just me speaking through rose-colored lenses, but I'm sure I'll never meet someone who meshes so well with me ever again. I'll love again, no doubt, but probably not in the way that I loved her.

No you will love again and it will be stronger and more passionate. I really loved my first love, but it was the third guy I fell in love with a few years later that I loved the most. And you know what? I loved every guy differently. You grow less naive and more aware of who you are when you live life.

LDR where it starts off online isn't going to work. You have never spent proper time together consistently- something that's really important. Find someone else local, build an in person relationship and stop with the fantasy in your head.

I would say if it wasn’t stressing you out then continue on as you are....but it is....

Also, drawing on all my EXperince and my time here, yes she is weaning off you...

Very soon, if you don’t get some distance going, you’ll get to hear all about the new guy(s) she’s seeing...and trust me, that’s not fun!

Carus*

One month of no contact is a very short time in the grand scheme of things. A tiny blotch on the rich tapestry of life.

You broke it, and now you are being friend-zoned. You will never have any hope of reconciliation while there.

I think you need to shut down all communication with the ex, and move on. By which I mean on the basis she is never going to change her mind - because usually they don't.

There are plenty of threads here with suggestions to help you do that.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt, but as smackie says, she knows where to find you if she does.

I think you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

She is likely getting used to the single life and still appreciates your company and attention while she learns how to be on her own again. That isn't good (for you) because you're emotionally attached in a way that she no longer is. What that will likely mean is that you get more and more hopefully as she slowly scales back on contact or starts dating someone else and doesn't tell you until she can't keep it quiet anymore.

Why let this drag on? You could be dating local woman and having a good life if you stopped being tethered to this mostly cyber romance.

I agree with you that it prevents me from moving forward, which I wouldn't mind so much if there was hope that she'll be ready to get back together in the future..

Stop giving her the benefit of a relationship, without one. All you are doing is helping her transition onto someone else.

Tell her to reach out when she wants full reconciliation.

Time for complete nC.