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Thread: Most confusing story

  1. #1

    Most confusing story

    I find/found myself in the most crazy situation and I now sit absolutely baffled as to what is or was real and what is not. I'll try to keep this short as i could write a book on this so some parts will be missing but I'll just give a quick low down and hope someone can shed any light for me please.

    I'm Irish living in Ireland, I work doing door security for clubs and bars. I knew a girl going way back through mutual friends, they told me she always had a big thing for me, but she met a guy in the meantime and had a kid, a little girl. Two years ago she came up to me at work and we talked and laughed, shes shy in person with me anyway. She asked for my number and we texted for weeks. Her relationship was pretty bad not that he was actually just she didn't love him or want it but found it hard to leave him do to now badly he would take it. That summer and not proud to admit this we slept together after a night out just happened sort of thing my town is small it's easy to meet anyone here out. We then talked more and we did meet again.. I told her I won't be some side piece and for herself but also her partner she had to choose what she wanted to do and what was best for all, to many could get hurt. She said she was leaving him. Weeks later she said she did, we met after that and slept together. She got pregnant, and was sure it was mine it turned out she had slept with her partner before it ending, kid was his. We parted ways not meeting again and she was back in her old relationship, this deeply hurt me but I moved on no choice.

    Fast forward her having the baby and us not speaking for a year, she contacted me last Xmas, just out of the blue saying hi and how was I doing etc small talk. Soon we got into it more and I said how I felt and what she done wasn't ok just messing everyone around. She just said sorry she never stopped thinking about it and me every single day she couldn't stop thinking about me and why she contacted me, she said she meant her words and that she did really love me and felt I was her true love I was meant for her just her situation was horrible and she was cowardly handling it. At least some admission. We talked and only talked no meet up after that and it was that way on and off until April this year, she text to say her partner had left there home she finally got the courage to do it and it wasn't working she just didn't love him never did it was not fair on the kids. So we talked more, she asked me for time and to just stand her feet for a bit but did it for me and because she always wanted me and wants to be with me and meant it. I told her I never pressured her into any decision was always hers she had to make for her not for me, and we would see what the future holds.

    During the last few months she would talk for days at a time send me random lovehearts, tell me she loved me she was thinking about me and couldn't wait until we are together etc and due to kids and work we may not talk then for days. I noticed though she never seemed up to meet and I found that odd given she said she loves me so much and never stops thinking about me etc. Warning signs yes. I said it and she said she has two kids and work and nobody to mind her kids she didn't go out to clubs etc just quiet type. I knew financially she struggled with her partner gone but she wouldn't ask anyone for help that type, as months went by since they broke up in April I did worry they'd get back and she had not met me in this time but said all these lovely words.. so fast forward to recently, 4 week's ago she went odd saying she may come off social media etc and this rang alarm bells for me was here before, I asked her straight up I would not be mad I'd say nothing to her but was she back with her partner had he moved back in and would she say if so that's all I wanted was honesty, she said she would but he had not. A week later my friend saw them both shopping together and the kids and all seemed ok, I believe my gut was right and she asked him back to live there. We talked days later and I said it what's up there are you back just say so I can move past this and she said they hadn't got back and shes been off just being busy but needed space 🤔 from what was my thoughts but I couldn't fight this or get involved anymore I just said that's fine you have your space hope all is good. And we didn't speak since. I came off two social media sites since just to not see her post stuff up etc. But I believe she is back in that again, so my question is can someone who never seemed to me to be a monster or evil do all that and say all that just for kicks, for fun? Was I just someone she had fun with and got on great with but that was it, I didn't mean anything to her at all, I'm genuinely confused. My friends think she will come back again one day to talk but just leave it now be done with it no more talking even. Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    She didn't treat you like that just for kicks but it does sound like she is selfish, can't handle being single and is one of these people who want their cake and eat it too.

    You witnessed first hand that she is a liar and a cheater. That means that she is capable of deceit, extreme selfishness, immaturity and disrespect. It's no reflection on who you are. It's who she is. Thinking that she will treat you any better than the father of her children is unrealistic imo. Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. You need to accept that she lacks integrity and cannot be trusted.

    The million dollar question is why are you not turned off by her behaviour. Remember, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... You need to reevaluate your boundaries.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Don't get caught in their crossfire, no matter how much she comes on to you.
    Originally Posted by GeminiMan
    she met a guy in the meantime and had a kid, a little girl. we met after that and slept together. She got pregnant, and was sure it was mine it turned out she had slept with her partner before it ending, kid was his.

    April this year, she text to say her partner had left there home she finally got the courage to do it and it wasn't working she just didn't love him never did it was not fair on the kids. So we talked more, she asked me for time and to just stand her feet for a bit but did it for me and because she always wanted me and wants to be with me and meant it.

    4 week's ago she went odd saying she may come off social media etc and this rang alarm bells for me was here before, I asked her straight up I would not be mad I'd say nothing to her but was she back with her partner had he moved back in

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what you're expecting from this. Are you expecting a relationship (a committed one)? In your write up I'm feeling a lot of pain and high anxiety. You're anxious about whether there's someone else (primarily the father of her kids). I'd stop for one second and process your anxiety. You both are not in a relationship and you're displaying worrying signs of someone who is a little too enraptured and obsessed with the company of a woman he's seen for a short period in time in a very unstable and volatile period of time. Look at the framework that you're in. Put all the pieces together and slow down.

    You were involved, unfortunately, with someone who wasn't in the right place to restart her life again with someone new. She's also a new mum to two kids in a short span of time (less than five years). She's juggling finances and the father of her kids also. All these are big factors in how available she is emotionally. You can think of it like an oil tank or a person's "love tank". Look at her, think of her and ask yourself how much do you think she has of herself to give to you? You don't have to treat her like she's a terrible person. Just look at her as she is, as human being, just like you.

    My advice is to be more realistic with yourself. If you have other things you're working on - your career with security, your own finances, your goals - focus on those things and get into the right head space yourself. When you meet the right person, you'll be better all around for it if you're prepared too.

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  6. #5
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    My thoughts are that this is a woman who has severe inner issues. It's clear to me that she has a severe fear of being single and alone; this fear outweighs any negative feelings she may have towards her boyfriend. She stays with him and clings to him as a means of avoiding being single and alone. Whenever that fear looms ahead and could possibly become a reality (either because the boyfriend threatens to leave or she is unhappy and is looking for an out) she turns to you, her back-up "safety net", so to speak. She would much rather have someone already set up and waiting for her in the wings than have no one and face the possibility of being single and alone. This fear is what drives her poor decision-making and unhealthy behavior, in my opinion.

    Your friends are probably spot-on that she "will come back again one day to talk", but only when she is once again faced with her fear, that is the only true reason she has for contacting you. Once the fear has passed, it will once again be "bye now, don't need you anymore", and you won't hear from her again until the fear is back. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut off all contact with this very troubled person. Walk away and do not respond if/when she reaches out to you. Also, take a step back and find out why you are drawn to such an unhealthy individual, why is it that you felt it was a good idea to get involved with someone who was already in a relationship and living with the father of her child. There were red flags waving all around right from the beginning, it is important for you to learn why you did not pay attention to them and/or flat-out ignored them so that you do not risk repeating the same mistakes in future.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    so my question is can someone who never seemed to me to be a monster or evil do all that and say all that just for kicks, for fun? Was I just someone she had fun with and got on great with but that was it, I didn't mean anything to her at all, I'm genuinely confused. My friends think she will come back again one day to talk but just leave it now be done with it no more talking even. Any thoughts?
    This situation is what happens more times than not when you get yourself involved with a married or otherwise committed person. They are not available to be with you but they will screw you if you let them.

    Ask yourself why you would want someone that is that emotionally wreckless with not only your heart, but with the heart of the other guy she wasn't caring about as well. If you start a relationship on quick sand, you're going to sink sooner or later so learn from this, tell her to bounce if she contacts you and don't even give her the time of day. She's not a good choice as a life partner... you've found that out now believe it and stop listening to well meaning friends who think they're helping you but they are doing nothing but enabling you to hang onto the hope that a cheater will get with you. Blech!

  8. #7
    Fantastic thought provoking replies to this and I appreciate everyone who has done so in helping me figure out in some shape or form what the hell this was, a hurricane with just distruction left in its wake.

    To answer the few who have said I need to look at myself and my boundaries and why I was or would be interested in someone like that, I absolutely agree and funnily enough I would say the same to anyone with a similar story, the only way I can answer that is to be brutally honest and it stems from my past and just the absolutely disastrous dealings I have had since entering the "dating/relationship" game if I can call it that in 2015, I won't bore anyone with a life story but I left work to care for my sick mum back when I was 22, that lasted until I was 28 when she passed, I'm now 34 so I've arrived late to it all and it's just extremely difficult for me I believe as I'm a cards on the table all in really want love and want to believe it's as nice as it is in the movies, lord above have I found out the hard way 😂 been cheated on, I've allowed people to disrespect me beyond belief just because I was raised correctly in how you actually treat people and a woman in general, I've taken care of kids that I was a step parent to, I've financially taken care of anyone I was with, just as j believed this is what you do, but I do see fault and where I've gone wrong also absolutely but it's taking me longer than some that's without debate.

    I believe my want for love, for someone to fall in love with me and believe it has made me very naive. With this girl I saw the bad signs, I thought about her cheating on her partner what if she could to me, those were always swept away with but I'm in love with you, I never loved him etc and I chose to believe those words because being honest they made me feel good, I felt for the first time in my life a woman has met me, has talked to me has given me a opportunity to actually see I'm a good guy, I'm funny, I like to do things, I've got alot to say, despite the stereotype I don't even drink much 😂 I always wanted kids, and just to settle down in a normal family environment and I believe that's stemmed from losing parents and not having a loving home, so that's all I can say really regarding why did I allow it and ignore what I did.

    I guess I just wanted to believe someone could love me as much as she said she did. I think I struggle alot with the more stuff I see nowadays, I don't feel I was meant for this era almost, there's no loyalty, there's no fixing anything, if it's broke you go buy new, throw the other in the dump. I can't fathom telling someone for two years you love them more than anything, they are your true love and you would do anything for them, you cannot wait to bear them a child, be a real family.. and so much more, only to drop them so easily, and reappear whenever you wanted. I've never let myself down in terms of my actions when something bad has happened me, even with her, I am not the type to shout, to go banging a door, to call her up and cuss her behaviour out etc I just don't see what it achieves, I've always let things go quietly and without drama I've even wished them well and I'm aware we are all fighting something, we are human as someone said above and I get that.

    Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships in today's idea of what they are, I blame those damn Hollywood movies with the happy ending when the guy gets the girl 😊

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    People like that are few and far between and it takes a good chemistry and a whole lot of commitment to create that sort of lifetime commitment you may be hinting at. It's a lot of luck too. I really feel for you. I don't think this is the right person to start daydreaming about. She's not available right now either so take it for what it is and move on with your life. This isn't about giving up. It's about being realistic with yourself and not living in la la land. She's not your partner and neither of you had any committed relationship happening to start. You dated casually.

    Something tells me that you give a lot of yourself in relationships also without asking for much in return. Maybe take a good look at that and start asking yourself what you want in a partner. You seem to have no problem finding dates or meeting women. Tweak things a little and get to know yourself more also. Don't continuously give and give and give until you're spent and used up and tired. Try and be more discerning in your dates and get to know people slowly.

  10. #9
    Thank you for the reply, you speak complete sense. I'm frustrated at myself and I do be at the end of something probably more than I am at the person involved, it's just round and round and the pattern stays the same and you would feel stupid basically how this can happen time and time again, I've had discussions with friend's, male and female and they believe I'm to nice, that doesn't help though as I'm not going to be someone I'm not either, so I have to change to hey someone to want me, I don't believe I've done alot wrong but with the wrong ones absolutely, i do need to be a little more selfish in my thinking absolutely as it's always been about what they want, what will make happy and I will do that but little to no return ever so clearly that's an issue.

    Common decency just doesn't seem all that common today and I struggle with that. I think something I really dislike about how we date today is also how we need to play games almost, this is what I've been told. Example, each girl I have dated I've been open, been honest, I reply right away, I listen for hours on end when they've rang me, often hours daily but I worked around stuff as to show them I was interested also, I'd give advice, I'd help anyway I could. When my friends heard this they were right away, no no no you're doing it wrong haha..ok! You don't always be available, you don't be so open, you don't talk feelings, and don't spend hours daily on a phone. They all ended with them cheating or just plain leaving or ghosting so perhaps there is some truth in that but this is how we are being taught to love, to date. I think it's insane!!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I thought about her cheating on her partner what if she could to me, those were always swept away with but I'm in love with you, I never loved him etc and I chose to believe those words because being honest they made me feel good,
    Yes we all like to be made to feel good but what we have to first consider is the situation and is that a good situation for me to be putting myself in the middle of.

    You sound like a lovely lad who would do well to look into (possibly with the help of a therapist) codependency since your "white knight" within seems to be over ruling your good sense and love of self. I suspect that looking after your mother all those years has made you a caregiver personality type wherein you get validation from rescuing those who ultimately end up playing on and abusing your good intentions.

    When you have good boundaries in place, when you look after yourself and your own best interests, you will find that a different type of woman, a good woman, will be drawn to you because she respects you. You can certainly show someone that you value and care for them without losing your self respect or tearing down personal boundaries for them.

    I think this last "thing" you had with this woman of many issues was meant to teach you that you need to take care of you, love yourself first and then you will find a good person to love you as well.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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