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Limbo: EX-GF with Anxiety


MrWindupBird

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Together 16 months. Broken up for two. Ex has clinical anxiety and often isolates and withdraws. I am her first and only long term relationship and sex partner. Bottom line I was too clingy and controlling in the relationship, didn’t understand how her anxiety worked, and talked about marriage and children too soon.

 

She broke no contact two weeks in. She acknowledges I’ve been making good changes, without me asking if I have. She texts/calls all throughout every day. I don’t ever text first so she feels the space she needs. We see each other every few days. We are occasionally intimate and regularly make out and cuddle though I initiate most of it. We just went out of state together this weekend for a comedy show and had so much fun. I ask for dates, she always says maybe, and always ends up wanting them when the day comes, not having turned me down yet. She says to our friends and family that officially we are “between labels.”

 

Other night, we were intimate together in a spur of the moment thing, and she got pretty sad and started saying how terribly scared she is. Of any outcome. Of breaking up again if we get back together. Of losing me if we don’t. Of us hurting if he stay in limbo. She called herself insane. I’ve got a lot better at keeping my cool in these moments, and this monologue on decision making wasn’t inspired by me asking for or talking about a decision. The night before that, we had just made out because I stopped short of sex saying I didn’t want her to feel overwhelmed, and she said she felt good about it and that it scared her that she felt so good about it. This says to me she’s ready for certain things but not if it goes too far. Making out vs sex for example.

 

My personal decision is to either keep the pacing where I am in control and continue to see her with a mirror communication style and stopping short of sex knowing she likes to move slowly, and see where this ongoing progress goes. Or I take a chance and lovingly step away and give her the chance to truly see a life without me and hope for the best. I still have swings of emotion I keep to myself where I am in a lot of pain with being in limbo but I don’t want her to know because her anxiety is at an all time high since the breakup and she doesn’t need to see me hurt anymore because my being clingy put us here. I love her with all my heart, though, and I will make healthy changes and do what it takes.

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Sorry to hear this. it sounds like she wants an on/off type of thing. Is she interested in or seeing someone else? Why all this limbo and in-between labels? What is she "afraid of"? It sounds like the breakup and on/off are confusing and hurtful to both of you. Can you make a clean break to clear your mind and reflect on what this is vs what you want?

Together 16 months. Broken up for two.

 

She says to our friends and family that officially we are “between labels.”

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Anxiety isn't just about feelings, there is also physical pain that goes with it that causes the panic in certain situations, and why there is withdrawal. All these reactions are to stop the pain, and anxiousness. It gets her in the chest, flush and burning sensation back of the head etc. It's a horrible feeling. Drug treatment is out. It's very toxic, and causes troubling side effects. Doctors will only prescribe it for 2 weeks then to get them off it by swapping it out with Morphine. Exposure/behavior therapy to retrain the brain is best but not a cure. Remember this....it can get passed onto your kids. That's something to consider when dating a person with a mental illness or disorder.

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When you love someone you often find yourself stretched past your regular boundaries. Forgiveness and self-care is key. If you don't have those for yourself and your own regeneration or self-renewal you won't make it as a couple. What other things are you doing to recharge? At this rate the relationship is not self-sustainable. She should still be receiving treatment for her anxiety and/or you should be receiving therapy and counselling as a supportive partner.

 

You'll have to know when to step in and when to back off and when to pull the other person out of that mind space GENTLY. You're not a trained doctor so don't expect yourself to have all the answers right away. Seek help if you need guidance for yourself and your relationship. At 16 months in, this woman isn't someone you've committed yourself to (you're just dating right now). Be a bit more realistic about what you're up against and what you're willing to do. You shouldn't feel any guilt if you feel this isn't something you're equipped to handle as a partner.

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Thank you guys so much for the replies so far.

 

No one else is in the picture. She makes it a point to always be handing me her phone and stuff I think to show there’s no one else even talking to her. I’m her first and only real relationship so I can realistically say that it’ll be a while for her to start seeing someone else even if we don’t work out. And she doesn’t hand me her phone because I ask if she’s seeing someone. Beginning of the breakup I admitted the thought of her with someone else hurts pretty daggone bad but I don’t ever ask her or anything like that.

 

She takes meds for her anxiety, and she has what we call burrito nights where she bundles up in a blanket and isolates in her room with the lights off and mainly just plays on her phone. Those are her primary helpers with the anxiety and depression.

 

We were pretty committed. Practically lived together for like a year. We just alternated between my place and hers. I was considering buying an engagement ring. She always takes her time in things so I just sort of wanted those things but have been careful about not pushing to share a place or to get engaged. Now I’m obviously back at square one in a way but I still want to build a life with her if it’s what she ends up wanting.

 

I think my big problem is the uncertainty. The breakup took me by surprise. I’d been frustrated and said a few things like I don’t think she cares about me or I’m not a priority. I said it months before in a moment of emotional frustration. I’m not used to being the clingy type and it’s honestly made me act not like myself at times. We had a weird day and she broke up with me, citing the old argument because she said she couldn’t stop thinking about me feeling like she doesn’t care or she puts me last always and it just really got to her. So I worry she’s going to just stop seeing me and I’ll lose her cold turkey despite all the time, communicating, and physical intimacy we still are sharing despite not having the daggone Facebook relationship status lol. Like I worry I’ll be stupid and will miss the signs again and next time she drops me it’ll be for good.

 

Today was a no touch day so far. She said she might want me over tonight but we got lunch and I could tell she needed her bubble of space today. I’ve handled it well but in the back of my mind I worry like will this bubble be the last one and THIS is where we end? Good friends supportive of the relationship outright beg me to see her actions and our continued closeness as good signs and ignore her verbal wavering and her anxiety and depressive breakdowns. I continue studying anxiety and mirroring her engagement and desire for space. I just want to do good. She’s so special to me.

 

Also, and I apologize for this giant post, but answering questions, I am currently seeing a counselor weekly. We are currently talking about attachment styles and emotional trauma. As far as recharging myself, I mainly spend time with friends. My friends have come up huge these last few months. We were the happy couple and people seem genuinely supportive of both of us. I posted our first joint post this weekend since the breakup with pictures from our road trip to see a comedy show, and relatives and friends and coworkers all really made it a thing to show support of seeing us spending time again. As far as recharging that is about it, as I’m finishing a semester in grad school and working a lot too. I want more hobbies, though. That’s very necessary and a positive distraction from this stress.

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Are you cutting off pieces of yourself to fit in a smaller and more manageable for her box? What if you have to stay in that box for ever, suppressing what you feel? If nothing changes how long are you willing to live with things as they are now?

 

(You get to have deal breakers too)

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To be honest I’ve reflected on this a great deal.

 

A lot of the changes I’ve been making are changes I’ve wanted to make for a long time. I was pretty convinced I was going to marry this girl, and when we broke up I decided to take the opportunity to really make myself healthier. I’ve always wanted to be more chill and train myself to resist resentments. I also have to stop taking the word no personally and stop fixating on what a relationship lacks and focus on what it has. I feel like these are going to help me no matter the circumstances.

 

In terms of deal breakers and deadlines, in my own head the three month mark is going to be an excuse for me to zero out the relationship and just have to trust that if we reconnect we reconnect. That’s not a hard deadline but I need something more than I have now. I’ll start dating again and probably give myself a few months away from my ex. Our relationship had a ton of awesome in it. It really did. I recognize that because she has reached out to me so strongly and we have resumed a lot of couple stuff, I’m trying to steer the breakup like a ship missing the rocks where it’s like I can heal this and get on a good track again. The three month mark, which is there at Christmas and New Years, will let me know okay it’s truly crashed and there’s no getting it back. Maybe a new ship in the future is possible, but this one is dead.

 

Also if she did start dating someone new or if the progress suddenly stopped for a significant amount of time, I would walk away for the foreseeable time. I’m finding as I’m doing better with respecting her space and her emotional needs as someone with the anxiety and depression comorbidity, I’m feeling better about stepping away because I know I’m really trying and I can walk away knowing I did try. Just tonight, I just got home and we had spent the evening sorta cuddling on her couch. She was fine with my presence leaning against her, but she didn’t really want to be super close and she said she didn’t want to kiss or anything tonight. In the past I’d feel rejected or, I’d secretly feel panicked it’s a sign we’re not getting back together and this future I’ve wanted with her will never happen. But I take these opportunities to show that I can respect her wishes and her force fields, and I was just happy to spend the evening making food and laying around together. I am hoping she sees my authentic progress in being with her as-is, anxiety and all, and she decides all the trips and all the fun and all the love making and all the amazing memories justify giving us another shot.

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Sorry to hear this. it sounds like she wants an on/off type of thing. Is she interested in or seeing someone else? Why all this limbo and in-between labels? What is she "afraid of"? It sounds like the breakup and on/off are confusing and hurtful to both of you. Can you make a clean break to clear your mind and reflect on what this is vs what you want?

 

She says the fear is generally of me. Not that I would hurt her hurt her. Or be disloyal. But that I love her so much despite her low self-worth, and because I often am involved in scenarios where she cries and gets sad. This is mostly me taking her anxiety personally very early in the relationship and now she’s very scared she will let me down. And the other fear is of any outcome, she says. She fears we would break up for the same reasons because she’s still so emotional about us. Or she fears we won’t get back together. Or she fears that limbo will hurt us. As you can imagine I am emphatic that we stay simple for now and just enjoy our time together. Getting into these labyrinthine fears and stuff just isn’t super constructive at this point.

 

The breakup was hard. Blindsided, I begged the first night. But that was it. I was proud of how well I respected her space, but we were both a wreck for a month. I became manic with self-improvement and she cried, without exaggeration, for a month. She spent a lot of time at her moms and just set up shop in a spare bedroom and cried and isolated. There were also job issues plaguing her at the time, and she was in a rough place.

 

A clean break is not presently possible as we work together and are neighbors in our apartment complex. I am readying myself to take my own space, though, if I decide it’s the best chance to rekindle eventually.

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It sounds like "breakup' is just another label or neologism of hers like "burrito" or "no touch days", etc. Ask your therapist, out of curiosity, about the phrase folie a deux.

 

You are not broken up if you are still dating. She seems to be creating all the limbo and breakup things she claims she fears most. The best thing you can do is start living your own life and stop being like a therapist to her. From your description at least, it sounds like she's got a lot more going on than anxiety.

Or she fears that limbo will hurt us. A clean break is not presently possible as we work together and are neighbors in our apartment complex.
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Thank you for the great advice. I will definitely ask about that. It seems like a complex concept but I can see it maybe being born out of deep codependency, and that was/is a problem for her and me; so it’s worth looking at. It honestly feels good to hear stop being her therapist. I’ve been responding to her anxiety breakdowns lately saying she has the right to feel her feelings, that I will respect the force field, and she has a key to my place and has my number if she needs me. In the past I would dive into bed with her and join her burrito and bring food or entertainment options and posit scenarios to make her happy. Now I see it wasn’t helping. I’ve also suggested couples counseling, and I have asked her to consider seeing someone herself who specializes in PTSD (her parents had a messy, at times violent divorce when she was grade school age and it’s obviously deeply affected her).

 

And I agree I don’t feel broken up. It feels different and hollowed out a little. We haven’t slept overnight in two months for example and that’s a drastic change. But after sex this weekend with her breakdown I described, she started asking what would be different if we got back together. My only conclusion is not a whole lot than now. Living each day together again is not on the menu presently. I would likely start seeing her family again, who I do miss and who are a great part of her overall package. I’ve obviously configured a number of time and space safeguards I’m ready to institute into our schedule together if she decides she wants me to control how often we see each other again. There’s not a scenario where I think seeing one another more then three times a week right now is constructive. The real difference I guess would be her just admitting fixing us is what she wants. She keeps saying she’s scared to say that sort of thing and get our hopes up. But if either of us ended it today cold turkey, I believe it would require another “breakup”... and avoiding another breakup is what she says is her most important goal right now necessitating her wanting to make an good decision on if we are together again.

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I really feel for you. I also think this whole thing is a lot messier than you know.

 

For some reason—a reason worth isolating—your sense of self and self-work has become connected to being able to accommodate her anxiety, almost as if you’ve equated your “highest self” with being able to withstand her lows. The irony to chasing that reward is that it’s making you very, very anxious—throwing you off the genuine axis that is you. The other irony is that by making her fears the dominant glue of your connection, as they seem to be, quite similar to the relationship between patient and therapist, you are going a long way toward ensuring they remain potent through validation. Because without them, really, what is there to bond over? What you guys have in common right now, among other things, is an obsession with her fears. She is self-absorbed, acute anxiety being a form of self-absorption, and you are her-absorbed.

 

It’s a bit like a plane trying to cure someone’s fear of flying by staying grounded on the runway. Does that work? Not really. Someone might get “comfortable” sitting inside the plane, being fed snacks and watching movies, but that is not flying. And the longer you sit the further you get from flying, and the scarier flying becomes, not less scary. It is also not really even a plane, not anymore. It is a machine built to fly, and capable of flying, except not with this one passenger; this one passenger renders the plane a metal tube that sits parked, eager to take off and being met with “But I am scared to fly.” Just think about that for a moment. You are the plane in the above analogy, making choices that seem to be getting you further and further away from flight.

 

She sounds like she needs a level of help that you can’t provide, though why would she actually get that when she has the emotional burrito that is you? Meanwhile, what about your own needs? They are being suppressed, by you. That is not a natural state of being, or a holy one. You are allowed to have wants and desires—and fears—and to have all that seen and cherished by someone. That is an equal relationship, where the “weight” of each person sits on each side of the scale, keeping it more or less level. Whatever label we give to a relationship, what we are generally seeking is a sense of being seen, and accepted. Are you feeling that right now? Or are you feeling like you are rendering yourself invisible so she can feel seen? A question worth asking.

 

I’m curious to know how much this current dynamic, “between labels,” mirrors your dynamic when there was a label. Meaning: has it always been 90 percent her-focused, and 10 percent you focused?

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I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that post. There was a time where she had reached out after the two weeks gone and we were on her couch, and things had escalated physically where I am giving to her sexually but she paused and started acting scared, and with that rejection of giving and that utter disregard for mutuality much less reciprocation, I felt myself staring at a wall and fighting crying while I could hear her talking to me and calling my name as if I were underwater but I can’t be emotional right now because me being emotional is proof to her she’s “a terrible person who hurts” me, and I realized that I am absorbing so much emotional trauma right now that I am convinced by myself that if I can just keep being strong and give this its best chance, that once its on the tracks I will return to the deep dark pool where I’m hiding all this pain from rejection and confusion, in this scenario in which I choose to participate, and I will by myself go into that hidden away place and deal with it then.

 

The duration of the relationship has followed a lot of amazing and utterly enriching themes, but the real challenge has always been our different proclivities for pacing. She had never been in a serious relationship when we met. We also met at work so it highlights that she was not bar hopping or tinder shopping. We worked together and immediately clicked, I waited a few months, she gave me a clue of her interest, and I immediately went for it. She told me because of her inexperience, and just her general nature, she would take her time in everything. I was so taken by her appearance, her sweetness, her incredible mind that still just blows me away she’s so fast and smart and perceptive... I was so taken I thought yeah we’ll take it slow and it’ll be fine. I now know I had no idea what I was getting into. She’s such an impressive human being to me, and has inspired such empathy and sense of adventure in me, that I chose her over my expectation for things to happen more quickly. She fears going too fast in anything. She’s taken bouts of my impatience very badly. I accommodate this and always stay mindful of it. So things I want are often enacted, but it’s at a pace that is sometimes five times longer than I’d just naturally feel or want.

 

She’s often happy to acquiesce in anything once it finally passes this extensive approval phase. Once she was okay taking weekend trips with me, which took a while but that’s okay, I can/could just plan them and she’s happy to go along and have fun. Or maybe something in sex. Once she is comfortable with something in that realm, she doesn’t really care what we’re doing or whatever. It’s just that approval process where she allows herself to sign off on something. I hope that makes sense. Trips we take always alternate on our favorite bands or comedians. She hates to pick restaurants. She has always naturally taken more time away from me than I do from her, partly because she has a strong family core and I do not. But I almost think that because she did give over so much control the last year that it caused her to “breakup” or drop the label and step backwards because she worries so intensely about us upsetting one another and because I stopped seeing the damage our codependency was doing on her stress level and periodic need for space. Thanks again for the input and dialogue. It was very powerful analogy and consideration.

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As most others have stated she needs specialised professional help that you cannot provide.

 

If she PTSD. Look for a EMDR therapist. It's fantastic. I have PTSD and it is greatly, greatly reduced since i had 6 sessions of EMDR. Brought me back from the verge of suicide.

 

I’ll look that up immediately. Thank you.

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Happy to help.

 

Granted I’m here in the bleacher seats, without the emotional connections, but what you’re describing sounds a lot like basic incompatibility rationalized as an extension of a mood disorder. I’m not saying that to minimize her troubles, but it almost sounds like without the labels of “depression” and “anxiety” you’d be describing a deeply frustrating relationship that is built almost exclusively around accommodating someone else. When “anxiety” and “depression”

are the two things you lean on to soften those frustrations—well, those are not the sturdiest of support beams, you know?

 

I’m also not sure what kind of “control” she’s given up over the past year. Best I can tell, she has been the one steering this relationship since the beginning, with you steering yourself to accommodate her movements, needs, fears, and so on.

 

Something to think about: what you are calling “impatience” might be defined by someone else as “you” and “awesome.” She just might not be in possession of that dictionary.

 

Can I ask how old you guys are? Would help with some context.

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Yes I’m 33. She is 25.

 

It’s definitely become what you describe. Like a land of eggshells. This current space where I’m trying to be the simple man and I’m hoping to find a way out of fearing fear, which is where things are at their worst, is very difficult.

 

If it weren’t for the day to day I would give up. When we aren’t in these episodes, even now where the episodes seem to loom constantly but we do have great stretches of days, it’s just typically laughter and finishing each other’s sentences and us sharing one another’s physical company in a way where we’re the last two people in the world. She texts me to the early hours every night to tell me what our cat is doing, or she’s reading something interesting, or she should take a shower or paint her toenails. Like in a way our puzzle pieces fit together so well that it’s disrupted necessary barriers and codependency has left us waiting for the other helpless person to help us. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

 

And I appreciate you saying that with the dictionary analogy. While the opinions of others only can mean so much, it’s been unanimous among our friends that if she had more relationship experience, she would have greater context in order to appreciate what I bring to the table. That might be my biggest wound in all this. Not feeling appreciated. There have been times where I feel the need to defend my being “a good boyfriend” and she immediately shuts down and says she never asked me to be. After over a year of committed relationship, that leaves a bit of a scar where I just wonder like what are we then if that’s not the game we’re playing.

 

I just called and found a counselor and EMDR therapist in our area who takes our insurance. It’s becoming clear she can really use some direct therapy and counseling. She actually has her degree in psychology so I need to find a way to lovingly encourage her to go without making her feel pressured and judged. Her degree sometimes will allow her to rationalize things and her medication is proof to her she’s working on it. Her mother recently asked her to get re-evaluated for a different med or treatment, and my ex just sort of laughed and said “I’m so crazy” and said maybe later, yet another indicator of her nihilistic tendencies that scare me so much sometimes.

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Yes I’m 33. She is 25.

 

It’s definitely become what you describe. Like a land of eggshells. This current space where I’m trying to be the simple man and I’m hoping to find a way out of fearing fear, which is where things are at their worst, is very difficult.

 

If it weren’t for the day to day I would give up. When we aren’t in these episodes, even now where the episodes seem to loom constantly but we do have great stretches of days, it’s just typically laughter and finishing each other’s sentences and us sharing one another’s physical company in a way where we’re the last two people in the world. She texts me to the early hours every night to tell me what our cat is doing, or she’s reading something interesting, or she should take a shower or paint her toenails. Like in a way our puzzle pieces fit together so well that it’s disrupted necessary barriers and codependency has left us waiting for the other helpless person to help us. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

 

And I appreciate you saying that with the dictionary analogy. While the opinions of others only can mean so much, it’s been unanimous among our friends that if she had more relationship experience, she would have greater context in order to appreciate what I bring to the table. That might be my biggest wound in all this. Not feeling appreciated. There have been times where I feel the need to defend my being “a good boyfriend” and she immediately shuts down and says she never asked me to be. After over a year of committed relationship, that leaves a bit of a scar where I just wonder like what are we then if that’s not the game we’re playing.

 

I just called and found a counselor and EMDR therapist in our area who takes our insurance. It’s becoming clear she can really use some direct therapy and counseling. She actually has her degree in psychology so I need to find a way to lovingly encourage her to go without making her feel pressured and judged. Her degree sometimes will allow her to rationalize things and her medication is proof to her she’s working on it. Her mother recently asked her to get re-evaluated for a different med or treatment, and my ex just sort of laughed and said “I’m so crazy” and said maybe later, yet another indicator of her nihilistic tendencies that scare me so much sometimes.

 

Your first half above describes perfectly the cycle of abuse. When things aren't bad, they are great....but underneath the great, tension is building. Look it up. I think it will open your eyes a lot to the dynamic of this relationship. Abuse isn't just physical, it can be purely emotional/psychological and it's deeply damaging. You are also acting exactly like a victim of abuse - telling yourself constantly that if only you can control this, not say that, walk on eggshells, be very very good surely surely you can make the good times last forever.....except they never do.

 

As for your friends, they are applying the logic of an emotionally and mentally healthy person to the situation and that doesn't help you at all. She is neither of those things and doesn't function like that and likely never will.

 

Ultimately, this up and down dynamic is actually addictive to you. High highs followed by low lows, adrenaline rush. People often look at victims of abuse and cannot understand why they go back for more. Same reason as drug addicts go back for another hit......addiction.

 

If you really want to fix yourself, if you truly want a better life, if you want to improve yourself, if you want to have a healthy relationship, a family, a happy future....you have to kick your addiction to this drama and focus on healing yourself for your own sake, working on yourself because YOU want a better life. Go cold turkey and kick her out of your life. Yes, it's hard and yes you'll have withdrawal, but get help, deal with it, fix yourself, move on to a better future. It's all a choice.

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I’ll look that up immediately. Thank you.

 

There are some example sessions on youtube. It sounds/looks quite literally nuts as in "how can this work?!" but it really does work. Don't ask me how but it does.

 

Things improve rapidly after each session in my experience. If she has PTSD this is even better than therapy. I had both together.

 

If she is not willing to help herself then unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Your job is not to cure her, you are her (ex)partner.

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I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but I figured the age gap was almost identical to what you described. Cards on sleeve: I have some experience with this.

 

Thought experiment: Do you think you’d remain so drawn to accommodating her emotional fragility and propensity for dramatics if she was 35 and explained them as the result of mood disorders? In that paradigm you wouldn’t have the comfort of chalking it up to lack of experience, thinking of it as a temporary phase, or imagining that she’s a few sneezes away from being the fearless, well-rounded woman you seem to believe is in there. You wouldn’t be able to imagine her potential in quite the same way, leaving you left to assess how you actually feel based only on the actual person before you.

 

Whether we are dealing with someone 8 years younger, the same age, or 18 years older, we really only get on thing: the actual, not the potential. If the potential is the thing that makes the actual “bearable,” it is generally a sign that we are not getting nearly enough nourishment. I fear that you are stuck in a bit of a loop right now, one that was there right from the start. You seem more drawn to who she might grow up to become than who she is. People do this in all sorts of dynamics, but it’s particularly easy when someone is much younger than you.

 

I would challenge yourself to explore all that. There is a point where being drawn to broken birds is as much an issue in itself as whatever is going on with the wings of the bird. Healing her wings is unlikely to address that instinct in yourself, since birds generally do one thing once their wings are healed. They fly away.

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I really appreciate all the awesome input here.

 

I think for the time being I’m going to ask her to shelf this big decision we’ve been tossing and turning about, and I’m going to let her know I’m still here but it’s imperative she seeks help. She asked me during the breakup to get help with attachment and from neglect stuff when I was little. I did it. I continue seeing a counselor each week. I think it’s fair for her to do the same.

 

Also I plan on taking the step back. When I do so it forces her to reach for a change, and it carries so much more sincerity in our interactions when she does reach because we’re so used to me doing it and her getting to hide her emotional vulnerability as it’s most often my attempts to closeness that are either accepted or rejected. Whenever I pull back, she always pursues. There’s such a wild power imbalance here that it simply must change. I already never text or call first each day and then mirror her volume of doing so when it does start each day. I usually ask for around two dates/hangouts a week. I think I will totally cease asking for dates for a time until she can do that and take some ownership of this... or the lack of this. I’m also not ruling out dating others. My job forces me to travel and be very social and I meet a lot of really great girls throughout my work weeks. I frankly am tired of waiting for my ex’s green lights and red lights on if I get to be social or go out any given night. I hate feeling guilty for wanting to have fun and be social like I’m cheating on my ex. It’s humiliating to even form that clause... “cheating on my ex.” You can’t cheat on your ex. It’s not possible.

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Sounds like a good start.

 

Being totally frank—and I feel you already know this—what you’re describing here does not sound healthy. It sounds like a chemistry experiment rather than human chemistry, or a psychology workshop in which you are both professor and pupil—or, less poetically, in which you switch between being the maze or the white rats.

 

It doesn’t need to feel like this, be like this. Take some time to conjure up what you really want, in the big picture, from human and romantic connection. See that, clearly. Then lay that atop this and ask yourself if it matches that vision, exceeds it, or falls short. That has always helped me, even if it means helping me to make hard choices or look at my own choices under a less forgiving light.

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dude, ypou posted some great stuff on my thread, and while both me and you know this is a journey of learning ourselves and bettering ourselves, our girls are lucky to have guys like us who care so much and willing to take on such hurdles.

 

it sounds like your relationship will both be rewarding and sad. Im sure summarizing 16 months into one paragraph takes away the context, but it seems like you are headed towards a lifetime of push and pull with her. alot more happiness and alot more pain.

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You don't sound clingly and the uncertainty she is subjecting you to borders with emotional abuse. I understand she is troubled and lacks the capacity to see the consequences of her actions but this doesn't give her any right to emotonally torment you. People are either together or broken up. They have sex freely and not only when the depressed, slippery one one feels like treating the committed one...Burrito nights and no touch days are just a cute way of saying she is emotionally and often physically withdrawn and unavailable. You need to leave her and ask her to contact you when she is ready to be in a proper relationship. If you are still single. The relationship you are describing is really very toxic. If she ever improves her mental health she will be very sorry she treated you this way. You are enabling her borderline abusive behvaiour by utting up with it.

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Are you attracted to the idea that she's a fragile, delicate flower who needs special care and nurturing? And do you feel you are the best one to provide it?

 

I used to date a man who was very attracted to the "helpless female" type. He wanted a woman who had no idea what to do when a crisis came up and would call him, crying or anxious, saying she just was so upset and oh me, oh my!!! He would then guide the woman with step by step instructions on what to do next (I heard him doing this once). He even spent the night in a chair with a gun facing the front door when a woman he knew was fearful of her ex husband possibly bursting through the door to abuse her (and yes, he did end up in a relationship with her).

 

I turned him off because I was strong and self-sufficient and didn't need him to "guide" or "help" me. He even said I reminded him of his mother, who was single and raised him and his two brothers on her own because their father left and refused to help. He said she drove his father away with her strength and self-sufficiency and if she'd been more "feminine" (read "helpless") he might not have left. Telling me I reminded him of her was NOT a compliment. So he went and found his helpless female and I continued to take care of myself and my children.

 

Are you attracted to women who need emotional "help"? Do you feel strong and capable and NEEDED when you're "burrito-ing" with her, bringing her food and whatever else you do during these times?

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