Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 50

Thread: Limbo: EX-GF with Anxiety

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,592
    Gender
    Male
    Ok it sounds like a classic case of she wants more of a committed bf connection and you want more sex when you want it. Hopefully you'll both be able to meet in the middle and get out of this analysis-paralysis you've been stuck in.
    Originally Posted by MrWindupBird
    She is feeling like she can tell me no without hurting my feelings.

  2. #32
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    33
    Originally Posted by MrWindupBird
    Assessing things for as they are is definitely the best and most simplified idea. I appreciate your wisdom so much.

    I told her a few nights ago I was letting go of the stress of the relationship. That I canít be the therapist anymore. And that Iím only here because Iím choosing to be, and just like her, I can leave at anytime. I also told her that if we continue to see one another then I will make romantic gestures and attempts, wanting to kiss her and whatever. I told her Iím okay with hearing no and respecting her space when sheís in the dark place, but she has to know Iím here for closeness and because I still am attracted to her romantically. She agreed that as long as Iím okay with her needing her force field sometimes sheís okay with me being romantic toward her. She then said sheís noticed a lot of change from me. She is feeling like she can tell me no without hurting my feelings. And sheís feeling like Iím not trying to control everything anymore.

    The talk seemed to do wonders. Sheís texted me more than ever since the breakup. Called me more than ever since the breakup. Sheís made tiktok videos she knows Iíll like and sends them to me after Iíve told her goodnight. She FaceTimed me today for a half hour from a furniture store to get my input on her buying a couch. She then asked me over to help her put it all together. This is part of a joint process we agreed to undertake a few months back when I redid my whole living room and kitchen. She then asked if I wanted to put on Christmas music and put up her Christmas tree together. I definitely wanted to. Then she took me out to Mexican, where she paid, and we spent the evening cuddling and watching our secret guilty pleasure Big Brother, and I successfully limited my physical intimacy with her to just making out and staying light and flirty. Sex is not a good idea right now for either of us, and Iím okay with that for now. We shared a really beautiful goodbye kiss where the positive tension is definitely building, but itíll stay in the oven for now; and I told her bye for the night. She waited a few minutes and then texted me all evening until I just told her goodnight and took a shower.

    Just a wonderful day. Iím nowhere near out of the woods, and she did get to miss me being at her familyís for thanksgiving much of the week. But things felt different today, a ton of playing and flirting and teasing. Iíll just keep being ready to stick and move. Itís one day at a time and itís using good momentum to make loving memories and for me to give myself permission to have power over me. There are bigger issues that need addressed like her needing professional supports, but we do things patiently if we want them to work and want them to matter.
    wow man,youre such a great guy.

  3. #33
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    32
    Still chugging along here. We had a series of close days together and we were getting into habits where we were kissing more and cuddling more. Then she said she worries weíre doing it too much. I immediately reacted as I thought she was saying we should split because I wanted her to know that if she wants to split then I will definitely give her that. She was very alarmed thatís what I was thinking she meant and just said to not be as physical right now. I told her I struggle with following sometimes because I think weíre having fun and all of a sudden we need steps backwards. She said sheís just scared of everything and she changed the topic.

    She had semi stuck to it. Sheís been on her period which is always a tough week for her. We hung out once with me saying Iíd kiss her hand and we could just chill. She was good with that. She then wanted me over the next night and I got a little peck at the end of the night with her saying sheís just not feeling well. So thatís two nights she opts out and I take notice but donít say anything. Today we were both in the office and sat together for a training. We ride together. She wanted to take me to get Mexican after work. I told her only if she... kisses... me! When we got home and said bye for the evening. She didnít agree to but laughed. Well she came through. We ate and then went and picked out some stuff for crafts, had so much fun in the crafts store and just laughed and played before we left. She did lean in and kiss me when I got her home, and we had a few minutes in the car with each other making out and stuff. Then she went inside. She spent most of the evening knitting me a hat with the yarn we picked out together.

    Tonight I talked about things for a few minutes. I just said that things had been going better and I still want another chance where Iím responding much better to the anxiety and the days apart. She let me go on for a few minutes... this was on snap... and finally she said she doesnít want any guys or girls but just her cat and sheís just ďchillinĒ. I asked if I messed up mentioning things because we hadnít mentioned anything in a while and she seemed surprised I thought Iíd messed up and said again sheís ďjust chillin.Ē So yeah. Thatís where we are.

    Sheís been leaning on me way more than normal recently and has been letting me do a lot of the things and reaching out when sheís struggling with something. I think she would really struggle with cutting me off right now. I think an ultimatum and two weeks of no contact would probably succeed in forcing her into action. But I donít want it that way. I want her to just put the past behind us and see that weíre having great days and weeks and that she can open up again and weíll take it slowly but with some assurance and mutual romantic effort. Itís like sheís defending this decision to ďbreakupĒ in spite of her feelings and actions, and itís just so confusing and oftentimes defeating.

    She let me know tonight that she forgot to fill her meds today and will likely be dissociating tomorrow for much of the day. I see this as a tremendous progress in honest communication from her, where before she just would try to make me happy but also try to be alone, and I also see it as a chance to give her the space and silence to show her I have come to respect her special needs and conditions.
    Last edited by MrWindupBird; 12-12-2019 at 01:02 AM.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Tough line to walk, all that.

    I'd just try to be as honest with yourself as possible, about how all this making you feel and what you're getting from it. Were I to make an observation about what I see, drawing a line from your first post to this last one, it's that her fear about everything remains right where it was: the thing you both spend a lot of time thinking about, feeling out, giving power to. She's as scared to be with you as she is to lose you, and both those fears are validated by you, perhaps because you now find yourself feeling something similar about her. Fear is the glue here, you could say.

    Rather than giving her an ultimatumówhich rarely works, and rarely feels authentic when it doesóI'd give one to yourself. I'd come up with some kind of timeline in which you need to see improvement, and I'd also be firm, with yourself, about what improvement looks like, and feels like. The above, for instance? It still has the tone of a therapist analyzing a patient, where improvements are measured more in tiny shifts in heróbeing open about an upcoming "disassociating state," for exampleóthan in you feeling more nourished and less skittish. I can understand how that is progress from a therapist's point of view, but is it progress from a romantic point of view?

  5.  

  6. #35
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    32
    I was sorta using Christmas I think as a timeline for myself. Where I will at least maybe start dating and start treating this as a more long term possibility than an immediate project. Last meaningful relationship that ended for me, it took me a year to get serious again for someone. I have a few former friends/girlfriends/casual something somethings that caught wind of the breakup and have been testing the waters. In different degrees they all say ďI know you still love her and youíll go back to her when sheís ready but we could hang out and just be whatever until then.Ē I feel guilty being so emotionally unavailable and involving someone else just because I like the sex and I like the company, but having these other girls around who know what theyíre signing up for feels less guilty I guess? I had a very sweet and attractive girl come on kinda strong a few weeks ago. Sheís a receptionist and we had a quick little funny interchange and she found me on social media, but after a few days I told her I know I sound like ďthat guyĒ but Iím in a weird place with my ex and I didnít think it was right to let her think Iím ready to date and whatever. So she was like I understand and still texts but I donít always get back to her super quick. Itís funny how being the sweet but emotionally unavailable guy is a turn on more than being the ultra committed ex lol. Casual stuff with clued-in ex flings just strangely seems more socially responsible at this point.

    I also think it would make me feel more like myself again in a way. Iím finishing my last week of this semester for graduate school so my time opens up significantly, and Iím excited to be working on a novel thatís been foaming in my brain for a while with the time. If my ex would be on the brink of things Iíd rather not muddy the waters at all, but sitting around for more then three months feels excessive. I like being social. I like female company.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Just going to make some observations, to snack on or discard as you see fit.

    What you're indulging in right nowóone foot kinda in one door, another tiptoeing toward other doorsóis a bit swampy. Reverse it: Would you have any interest in exploring romance with someone who, in her mind, had someone else flagged for "long term possibility"? Would you want to be a stop-gap until some other dudeóyoung, skittish, obsessed with his own hurtófigured out how to manage his chronic fears of existing? If the answer is no, then why even flirt with being that person for a bit?

    Similarly, put yourself in the shoes of your emotionally fragile quasi-ex you are presently gambling your emotional chips with: Why would she "come around" or "warm up" to someone who she may suspect, on some cellular level, is keeping a few orbiters warm, or warming himself with that buzz? Or: Do you really see her fear of being with you abating once you've scratched some itches with the ghosts of girlfriends past or female friends with whom you nurse a little charge?

    In other words, at least to my eyes, you are coming across a lot more like an emotionally unavailable man to every women in your life than someone who even wants to be ultra-committed. That you mentioned a novel simmering in the cauldron of your mind doesn't shock me, as I'm getting the impression that you like the story of romance a bit more than the actual experience of mutual emotional surrender. And I wonder if some of the "guilt" you feel is connected to all that, to seeking comfort in stories more than in connections.

    Look at the various women you're entertaining right now: one is too "scared," others don't mind being a saucy placeholder. The through-line here is that these are versions of romance that make for good stories, and stir a lot of the feelings connected to romance, while being next to impossible to imagine becoming romantic realities. Engage in any one of the above and you are distancing yourself from authentic romance; engage in more than one simultaneously and...well, it compounds the distance. The key ingredientógenuine vulnerabilityóremains in the spice cabinet, gathering dust as other spices sub in for it.

    I'd explore that a bit, or at least take note of it.

  8. #37
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    32
    Yeah I mean I felt like I emotionally surrendered to my ex, who I somehow burdened so much she took our label and she took a lot of my access. It makes me feel like Iím not masculine enough or something and Iím being taken advantage of where I feel compelled to have these timelines and to have these reinforcers that I am wanted and I am worthwhile. Maybe I put too much weight on sex and overt desirability in terms of judging if she is attracted to me where she thinks spending so much time talking to me and just sitting with her fingers in my hair, like that is her currency for attraction if that makes sense. My other relationships girls want to please me and make me happy and they eventually find sex and clinginess as a way to demonstrate Iím what they want. Or maybe Iím making excuses for her, and she just doesnít want me. I dunno.

    I feel like I live my life a day at a time. Itís honestly a nightmare and living hell. Iím constantly inventorying and judging each day. Part of me worries Iím so neglected of substance itís my subconscious desperate to find that solid ground of something. Like a soul that is forever thirsty in a desert it created. Iím not as bad as I used to be, and people are drawn to me and volunteer that Iím a good person and I help people; so itís seemingly mostly self-destruction I think that ensues from this everyday sprint toward battling my own impulsivity. I torture myself about a timeline for her and I to get back to flush. Where she can admit sheís still with me despite the invisible walls weíve been dancing around. Sheís always begged me to give away this need to maximize each day. To just let the river of life do some of the work for once because at some point this white knuckle mentality, as coded and internalized as it is, is just mad vanity and self-mutilation. But itís all I know lol.

    Thank you bluecastle. I appreciate it a lot.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by MrWindupBird
    Yeah I mean I felt like I emotionally surrendered to my ex, who I somehow burdened so much she took our label and she took a lot of my access.
    Could this not just translate to two people who didn't quite work out? Does it have to be such an epic story?

    I get the sourness that comes with wanting an epic from something that proved thin, I do. I've had things not work out, and it stings. But this idea that you "burdened" her so much? It's kind of self-absorbed, if you'll forgive the expression. It's like: the relationship was about you (the surrender) and now the breakup is all you (the burden), a narrative that makes her kind of an ancillary character in your personal saga more than a human with agency.

    It's a process, I know.

    I'm just sayingósomething to file away as you navigate thisóthat there's nothing wrong with saying that this is over, because it's not enough, and then dusting off for a bit and seeking a connection that's stronger, or even just saucier, which will likely be with a person who is a bit stronger internally and closer to where you are on the journey of life. The depth and growth and fire you're hungry foróthe real epicómay come from making a step like that, and learning to just accept reality for what it is, rather than in trying to bend reality to support a fantasy in your imagination.

  10. #39
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    32
    Thatís an excellent point. I mean I do definitely look at all this with me centered in, maybe to convince myself if I have the control to ruin it then I have the control to recast it. I try to not blame others for my unhappiness. If I die itís because I didnít do enough to stop it. Itís my mentality.

    The thing thatís inspired me to change is the slow realization that my conception of a sustainable relationship is perhaps unrealistic. Immediate gratification in a relationship has always been my modus and maybe thatís a principal contributor to my chasing my own tail like this. Feeling stressed if we donít have sex everyday. Feeling stressed about time away. Feeling stressed if she still is friends with a coworker who badmouthed me in the distant past. I think I lied to myself that if I just hide it and let it bother me internally then itís okay because it doesnít hurt her, but you can make a planet invisible and itíll still have gravity if you know what I mean. She will feel that pull of dissatisfaction. And objectively these are unhealthy mindsets that I believe I have to change, even without her. I can find a lady who mirrors these... my... nasal tendencies. Clingy, paranoid sex addicted are pretty common lol. And I have certainly seen that movie. Itís a sugar high that ends with me cheating/straying and them hurting and blood and guts in the street lol.

    But I also Saint my ex. All the time. So often I see her as having issues she doesnít try to inflict on anyone, and if I can just get to where Iím more emotionally autonomous and capable of respecting her as someone who doesnít always need someone to complete her.... I dunno. Maybe we can keep and build upon the good and make the bad the past.

    I spent time with another girl and it just felt like this weird, vampiric masturbation. I told her to light candles by her bed and her shower and we made an hour of it. And then when we got going, immediately I just wanted it to be over. The girl was holding me afterwards, laughing and playing, saying we should go again. Our whole post-whatever I was just waiting a half hour to not be rude before leaving, and I just kept thinking about my ex and Iís date to see Christmas lights next week, where she looks so beautiful in her hat and scarf and when itís cold her skin is so pale and soft. Iím surprising her with dinner and a late night slow dance in the park, and then weíre watching a movie and she wants me to give her a massage as long as both of our bottom underwear stays on. Iím really excited lol.

    Iím shutting down dating other people for now. Maybe in a month it wonít but right now it feels inappropriate and even predatory. And I appreciate all the input and stuff. Itís very cathartic to talk about things.

  11. #40
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    33
    whoah.

    youre lucky to even get other dates. some of us dont have that ability. I was on singles site etc for a month and only met 1 gal, who is damaged and reluctant to meet

Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •