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Boyfriends sister moving in


cotalava

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Hello everyone! I wasn’t quite sure where to post this but hopefully this is a good enough spot.

 

I live with my boyfriend who I have been with about 2 years, about a year ago prior to me moving in his older sister asked if she were to leave her husband If she could stay with him for a while. He of course told her that would be fine and then nothing ever happened. Since then I moved in, we got a dog etc. We live in a three bedroom 2 bathroom house so plenty of space but with no set plan we have just been waiting around wondering if it will ever happen. It turns out she doesn’t know if she can leave her job in January or in June and hasn’t decided when she wants to look for a job in our city.

 

She came over the other day and it became more clear that she does have true intentions of moving in within the next six months. She told my boyfriend he needed to create room for a jet ski and pointed out all the areas in the house she would be taking over (bedroom and the office), we are both easy going people so just trying to be understanding and help out but she then mentions she plans to stay for three years to pay off all her student loans and then buy a house. This is where it got a little uncomfortable, I am trying to stay out of it as I don’t feel it’s my place to have an opinion but my boyfriend became stressed at the thought of three years. He had a private conversation with her stating that three years might be too long and a year and a half max is what he is comfortable with. This upset her and now there is tension. I am wondering opinions on if he is in the wrong, is it just us or is three years kind of unrealistic when she initially mentioned staying for a little. She makes great money so the issue is not that she can’t afford her own apartment etc but that she wants to pay off her loans and save up a certain amount so she can buy a house in her ideal city.

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Who owns the house? Did his sister/family buy it jointly with him?

I moved in, we got a dog etc. We live in a three bedroom 2 bathroom house She told my boyfriend he needed to create room for a jet ski and pointed out all the areas in the house she would be taking over (bedroom and the office). He had a private conversation with her stating that three years might be too long and a year and a half max is what he is comfortable with.
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Ok that makes it complex. You live there so it's your residence. Do you pay rent? All you can do if you do not like his final decision is move out.

 

Yes, For me I feel that a year and a half is reasonable. Three years is just along time since within three years we would be looking at starting a family etc

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I personally couldn't deal with this situation, but you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

 

A third person living with you is very intrusive and stressful. And the fact that she's dictating which parts of the house she will be taking over spells trouble for you and your boyfriend.

 

Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? Does he respect your opinions?

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I personally couldn't deal with this situation, but you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

 

A third person living with you is very intrusive and stressful. And the fact that she's dictating which parts of the house she will be taking over spells trouble for you and your boyfriend.

 

Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? Does he respect your opinions?

 

My boyfriend has strong feelings about it which makes it easier to discuss as I wouldn’t want to be the only one feeling uneasy about it. He told her that three years is too much because he plans on progressing and taking the next steps with me like getting married and starting a family she became upset at this and now is potentially not moving in at all because he rejected her staying for three years. We have a strong relationship but I’m sure a third person and two extra animals could potentially affect our relationship

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I think it's great that she's potentially not moving in. You should continue to give her reasons not to. Listen, who tells someone I'm moving in for three years and here's the space I"ll need? Who does that? Someone who has a seriously entitled mentality and a narcissistic personality.

 

Of course, since you're not married and it's your boyfriend's house, you don't get the final say in the matter. You have to decide if you can deal with it.

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She is well employed, has money and can afford to live like an adult that she is on her own, aka get an apartment just like any other person out there. There is no reason for her to use her brother like she wants to for even one day, let alone three years. Yes, using him to advance herself at his expense. This has nothing to do with her leaving her husband and any kind of kindness in that respect. If she was broke, that would be different, but she isn't. She can move on and do whatever she wants with her life any time she wants. Getting angry that her brother isn't the doormat she thought? Too bad for her and good for him for standing up to her at least a bit. He actually needs to back away from her completely.

 

He should not let her move in at all because once in, she is not going to leave as agreed. Woman is a selfish user and it's very hard to evict a relative once they move in and take over your home. She has already shown you who she is, so better believe it. She will run you both over if she gets her feet in the door. I really don't know why on earth you even offered for her to move with you in the first place.

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Do you think he is allowing this to forestall marriage/kids etc? It sounds unreasonable. Three is a crowd, you know it...and your bf does as well. Are you sure the title/deed is in solely his name? There seems to be a lot more going on in that family than you are aware of.

 

It sounds like he tells her/his family one thing then tells you another. It would be best to move out if she moves in. Anyone can see this arrangement would never work. Once she's there it could get ugly if you stay or uglier if she won't leave.

My boyfriend has strong feelings about it which makes it easier to discuss as I wouldn’t want to be the only one feeling uneasy about it. I’m sure a third person and two extra animals could potentially affect our relationship
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She is selfish, ungrateful and like the other poster said, intrusive. With that kind of attitude he should tell her she can go live on her own. Plus that wasn't the deal, it was to help her if she got divorced and needed a temp place while she relocated. NOT help out so she can save up for a down payment....screw that s&*^%

You two will be broken up before her time there is done. Seriously, things will get tense and you will be fighting with her and with him, and it's gonna fall apart.

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Do you think he is allowing this to forestall marriage/kids etc? It sounds unreasonable. Three is a crowd, you know it...and your bf does as well. Are you sure the title/deed is in solely his name? There seems to be a lot more going on in that family than you are aware of.

 

It sounds like he tells her/his family one thing then tells you another. It would be best to move out if she moves in. Anyone can see this arrangement would never work. Once she's there it could get ugly if you stay or uglier if she won't leave.

 

I am positive the house is solely in his name, he bought it when we first started dating. He does incredibly well financially. All the conversations he’s had with the family regarding it I have been present for so there is no reason to put the blame on him. He’s not very close to his family or even talk with them that often, the sister reached out to him and his brother who both own their houses asking if she could stay if she were to leave her husband. They both said if she needed to that was fine but this was over a year ago. She claims to not want to move in with the other brother and his girlfriend as he is planning to propose soon and that’s why my boyfriend made it clear that we aren’t that far behind them even if we are a few years younger. I don’t see this as my boyfriend stalling starting our future, we have great communication and a solid relationship, I think he initially just wanted to help her out because she initially made it sound like she would be here only a few months and totally surprised us by saying three years and she has this whole plan for herself to save.

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She is well employed, has money and can afford to live like an adult that she is on her own, aka get an apartment just like any other person out there. There is no reason for her to use her brother like she wants to for even one day, let alone three years. Yes, using him to advance herself at his expense. This has nothing to do with her leaving her husband and any kind of kindness in that respect. If she was broke, that would be different, but she isn't. She can move on and do whatever she wants with her life any time she wants. Getting angry that her brother isn't the doormat she thought? Too bad for her and good for him for standing up to her at least a bit. He actually needs to back away from her completely.

 

He should not let her move in at all because once in, she is not going to leave as agreed. Woman is a selfish user and it's very hard to evict a relative once they move in and take over your home. She has already shown you who she is, so better believe it. She will run you both over if she gets her feet in the door. I really don't know why on earth you even offered for her to move with you in the first place.

 

That’s how I feel too, it’s different because she is not hurting for money if she were to leave him and have nothing it would be one thing but her husband will be buying her out of their property and she works full time as a RN so she has a healthy income. She would be moving from a city two hours away so he said she could stay with us for a few months and get a feel for this area and if she likes it then find her own place so she can atleast know she would be happy over here. When he mentioned a year to year and a half max she said she wouldn’t like that because she doesn’t want to bounce around.

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That’s how I feel too, it’s different because she is not hurting for money if she were to leave him and have nothing it would be one thing but her husband will be buying her out of their property and she works full time as a RN so she has a healthy income. She would be moving from a city two hours away so he said she could stay with us for a few months and get a feel for this area and if she likes it then find her own place so she can atleast know she would be happy over here. When he mentioned a year to year and a half max she said she wouldn’t like that because she doesn’t want to bounce around.

 

Or she can stay in the city she is in, where her job, life, and friends are, sans husband and get an apartment or rent something without major upheaval or trying to dump herself onto her brother. I really hope that he actually just tells her no to any moving in at all or that she realizes that neither brother is going to let her freeload off their back for years and makes alternative plans for herself. Even a year and a half is absurd under the circumstances.

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Your bf sounds like he's being light on his refusal....if he's not clear, she's gonna bulldoze him down as she moves her jet-ski in.

 

Haha he told her he’s making no room in the garage for a jet ski. She guilt tripped him so he feels badly but he made it clear if she does move in it needs to be for a year and a half max.

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Your bf sounds like he's being light on his refusal....if he's not clear, she's gonna bulldoze him down as she moves her jet-ski in.

 

Agree.

 

Family is family, I get it. Still, in my opinion the very mention of “three years” is the part where the plug should be pulled, and pulled hard, on this whole thing. That’s where she announced herself as a bulldozer 100 percent fueled by self-interest. One cannot have productive negotiations with bulldozers.

 

She is behaving like an entitled child at the expense of two adult lives: his and yours. It’s jaw-dropping, to be honest. Hard to see letting her in the door for a week as anything but a recipe for destruction. Of course, being his house and his family, he’s the one who gets to make the decision. But in your shoes I would clearly communicate that you are deeply uncomfortable with this prospect, in any form, and deeply concerned about how it would affect your relationship.

 

Give him that information, so he can balance it with the information his sister is giving him, as well as whatever he is thinking and feeling.

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My boyfriend has strong feelings about it which makes it easier to discuss as I wouldn’t want to be the only one feeling uneasy about it. He told her that three years is too much because he plans on progressing and taking the next steps with me like getting married and starting a family she became upset at this and now is potentially not moving in at all because he rejected her staying for three years. We have a strong relationship but I’m sure a third person and two extra animals could potentially affect our relationship
So what is his idea, then? Sounds like he put a hard stop on her 3-year plan if she's pitching a fit. At least at face value, it sounds like he's at least not fully incapable of setting boundaries and simply wants to be a normal human being helping his sibling out after a divorce. If he owns the house, you've unfortunately got little say as far as a final decision is concerned. You are however free to ask him what he on his own would determine a suitable cutoff. From there, you react with your feet one way or the other.

 

Is her sense of entitlement a red flag? For sure. Honestly, based on it alone, it's not much of a surprise whatever marriage she's in isn't working out. Still, it's up to you and your judgment. You know him better than any of us. Do you trust him to assert household boundaries? Deal with any potential family blow back should he have to essentially evict her for overstaying? Speaking personally, if a sister of mine were to divorce, she'd have a place to stay. And assuming she knew it was over, I'd encourage her to leave sooner than later if the only reason for sticking around was to juggle working and finding a new place within what's likely a toxic household. Wife's family naturally gets the same privilege. But I'm also more than fine evicting anyone-- friends or family-- who doesn't respect our agreement and my hospitality. A lot of people aren't.

 

But being frank, two years really isn't a long time at all, regardless of whether you've lived together a year. A husband or a wife will probably have a difficult enough time forcing a one-way decision in their favor here, never mind if you're someone in the live-in girlfriend stage. As others have alluded to, it's best to assess the situation and your own threshold rather than what you think is the best decision for him to make. You're certainly not beholden to him to take on another roommate and their pets if you don't like the idea.

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So what is his idea, then? Sounds like he put a hard stop on her 3-year plan if she's pitching a fit. At least at face value, it sounds like he's at least not fully incapable of setting boundaries and simply wants to be a normal human being helping his sibling out after a divorce. If he owns the house, you've unfortunately got little say as far as a final decision is concerned. You are however free to ask him what he on his own would determine a suitable cutoff. From there, you react with your feet one way or the other.

 

Is her sense of entitlement a red flag? For sure. Honestly, based on it alone, it's not much of a surprise whatever marriage she's in isn't working out. Still, it's up to you and your judgment. You know him better than any of us. Do you trust him to assert household boundaries? Deal with any potential family blow back should he have to essentially evict her for overstaying? Speaking personally, if a sister of mine were to divorce, she'd have a place to stay. And assuming she knew it was over, I'd encourage her to leave sooner than later if the only reason for sticking around was to juggle working and finding a new place within what's likely a toxic household. Wife's family naturally gets the same privilege. But I'm also more than fine evicting anyone-- friends or family-- who doesn't respect our agreement and my hospitality. A lot of people aren't.

 

But being frank, two years really isn't a long time at all, regardless of whether you've lived together a year. A husband or a wife will probably have a difficult enough time forcing a one-way decision in their favor here, never mind if you're someone in the live-in girlfriend stage. As others have alluded to, it's best to assess the situation and your own threshold rather than what you think is the best decision for him to make. You're certainly not beholden to him to take on another roommate and their pets if you don't like the idea.

 

His idea is that if she needs a place to stay while she gets settled on our area that she could stay for a bit as she decides if she wants to live here with a max of a year and a half and he feels that is even generous. I agree with him, I feel comfortable her being her around a year.

 

He has talked with his family and they all are on the same page as him and trying to explain to her that three years really is excessive. I don’t know why she doesn’t see it. She does plan on paying rent so she isn’t completing trying to free load but it would still be significantly less than she would be paying for her own place and that’s why she wants to stay so long so she can follow this three year plan she made.

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She is selfish, ungrateful and like the other poster said, intrusive. With that kind of attitude he should tell her she can go live on her own. Plus that wasn't the deal, it was to help her if she got divorced and needed a temp place while she relocated. NOT help out so she can save up for a down payment....screw that s&*^%

You two will be broken up before her time there is done. Seriously, things will get tense and you will be fighting with her and with him, and it's gonna fall apart.

Totally agree.

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I wouldn't get involved with what you think is right or wrong regarding his sister. It's wasted energy. It's between them.

 

At some point you should be having a private (or several private) conversations with your boyfriend and where you both see yourselves as a couple. If he's adamant that this is what family does, make your decision for yourself. This isn't the last man on earth. If he decides from his heart of hearts this is so off base and doesn't want to entertain the idea, it has to come from him. Don't waste your energy over this type of drama. You're not even married.

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Unfortunately, agree with this. Your relationship may feel solid because you moved in, but the fact is at this point your status there is tenant. So when his sister moves in it will be very challenging to the relationship, no matter how laid back you both feel now.If you were married, you would have more say in all this but interestingly after 2 years, you're not.

I wouldn't get involved with what you think is right or wrong regarding his sister. It's wasted energy. It's between them.You're not even married.
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she became upset at this and now is potentially not moving in at all because he rejected her staying for three years.
Then what's the problem?

 

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. It's his home and you've moved into it without helping with a down payment (I'll assume you are helping with utility payments and food) and now his sister is trying to weasel her way in like she's part owner. Your boyfriend needs to just be firm with his boundary and if she doesn't like it then that's her perroragive and she can find herself her own place. Done and done!

 

Where are his/her parents? Is their house out of the question?

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