Husband sends me into a Rage

I’m a Stay at home mom to a little toddler. I don’t have family around and most days revolve around my son. My husband comes home and never ever tells me I’m doing a good job. In Fact today he came home and said how I don’t cook for him and there’s nothing to eat. I felt that it was a sexist and belittling comment and I lost it. On top of that I’m looking for a job (not even for the money just to get my sanity back) and find it really difficult considering I have a toddler around my legs on most days. I feel so defeated and I’m really resenting my husband like never before. When I talk to him he just shuts down and doesnt respond to anything I say.

I know I probably have no right to say anything here as I do not have kids or am married. But I have watched my mother raise my older brothers and me from a young age, and as I grew, I noticed the same thing from my dad, and my mom sometimes still complains to me, especially as she watched my niece and it's quite similar with my brother and sister-in-law. The only thing that I have seen that worked though was when my mom left for about a month, and it made my dad realize how to appreciate her more. I hope that helps.

I’m a Stay at home mom to a little toddler. I don’t have family around and most days revolve around my son. My husband comes home and never ever tells me I’m doing a good job. In Fact today he came home and said how I don’t cook for him and there’s nothing to eat. I felt that it was a sexist and belittling comment and I lost it. On top of that I’m looking for a job (not even for the money just to get my sanity back) and find it really difficult considering I have a toddler around my legs on most days. I feel so defeated and I’m really resenting my husband like never before. When I talk to him he just shuts down and doesnt respond to anything I say.

If you are a stay at home mum, why didn't you cook? It's not sexist to expect you to cook if he is working a full-time job and you are a full-time mum and wife, which implies taking care of household chores and taking care of the children.

But I think your issue goes far beyond just the cooking issue if that alone was enough to set you off into a rage, which implies uncontrolled anger. You need to try to understand the source of your anger and learn to empathize and communicate with your husband. It cannot be easy for him to talk with you if you have a tendency to blow up like that.

If you didn't have kids, I would have said that you should probably just leave a man who causes you that much resentment, for whatever reason (I think it is internal, by the way)... but since you do have a kid together, I would recommend marriage counselling and and personal therapy to resolve your problems for the sake of your child.

I'm making the assumption that you and your child aren't going hungry, so when you're preparing those meals I don't understand why aren't you making enough for your husband too?

I don't have kids, but I believe that toddlers tend to have a daytime nap, so wouldn't that be a reasonable time to get some food prep done? With frozen and microwave meals/ingredients you barely have to do anything.

You are home all day. You should be getting a meal ready for your spouse if he is gone all day to work, or at the very least, have enough groceries for the household.

It's got nothing to do with being sexist, it's what the spouse who is at home should be doing. It could be where your husband stays home and you work, but either way, the person at home should be making dinner.

There is no need for rage. If you are losing control to that degree, then you've got anger issues. I would be more concerned about you taking care of a child when you've got anger issues like that.

This is what marriage is about, working together. It's not easy. Some days you will both be tired. Some days it won't be fun or happy. But you work together to make it work and to get through to the good days again.

If you don't feel he's doing his job, then talk to him. Go to marriage counselling. Do what you can to work this out.

Yes, being a stay at home parent can be very trying. No doubt about it. But this is what being a parent is about and what running a household and marriage is all about.

It takes loads of work, commitment and patience.

Also, if your child is still a toddler, it's best that you are home with them to give them a stable environment. Child care is very costly.

Are you apart of any mom groups? Do you have any play dates with other children? You should consider doing both as it will help you connect with other moms and get you out of the house.

Sorry to hear this. Allyou can do is get some work and some help with daycare. Or move back to your parents and file for divorce.

I've been with my now new husband for 4 yrs. I met my Inlaws once right before I got pregnant. When I met them they were nice but ignored me and didn't ask me anything about myself or my family for a whole day. I was so hurt because I knew they were well aware that their son was dating me for years. My husband reassured me that it was just a cultural difference and they do like me. I'm muslim as well but I consider myself very liberal. Anywas 5 months later and when I go over to their house and were eating or something they sit there and I mean littely don't say a word to me. There were times I could not even swallow my food because of how uncomfortable I felt. Anther time we went to a picnic for an hour and his parents yet again said nothing to me. I was sitting there litterly staring into thin air and contemplating all of my life decisions. I felt dissapointed in myself that I got pregnant and married to someone's who's family has the nerve to treat me like that. When I wanted to leave my husband blamed it on me for not trying and I littely wanted to close my eyes and pretend that was not what my life had come to. were both trying to get on our feet for this baby due to unexpected financial issues and he keeps asking me to live with his family for th next three months until everything is resolved. Should I stay at my parents without my husband until the delivery or go with my husbad and his family who ignore me?

When I do Cook he either finds something wrong with it or tells me he ate at work. I mean nothing works with this person. This morning he had to take the toddler to daycare part time and I woke up with him 3 times last night cause he was coughing. After breakfast he still expects me to keep going and dress him up. While he’s just sitting there drinking his coffee. He said if I don’t dress him up he will leave him at home. I lost it yet again. At this point I don’t even have the words to explain this situation.

When I do Cook he either finds something wrong with it or tells me he ate at work. I mean nothing works with this person. This morning he had to take the toddler to daycare part time and I woke up with him 3 times last night cause he was coughing. After breakfast he still expects me to keep going and dress him up. While he’s just sitting there drinking his coffee. He said if I don’t dress him up he will leave him at home. I lost it yet again. At this point I don’t even have the words to explain this situation.

Unfortunately, you married quite a piece of work. Can you pack up yourself and your child and go spend some time with your family or a supportive friend so you can clear your head a bit and figure out what you want to do? It honestly sounds that with a personality like his, your only option is divorce. He will pick apart your child the same way, so please don't use the stay married to an a hole for the sake of the kids excuse.

Can you move back to your family? Is divorce allowed in your culture? Is this behavior traditional in his culture/family? If you can't accept the type of subservient behavior he expects, can you leave?

I lost it yet again. At this point I don’t even have the words to explain this situation.

If you are this angry at your husband perhaps it would be a good idea for you to distance yourself from him for awhile until you can sort out what to do. It's not healthy for any of you to have this much resentment, and it would seem both you and your husband are digging your heels in and refusing to compromise on your expectations of each other.

Do you have family you can stay with for awhile?

When my husband was home with our 1st kid, I always expected the dishes washed, and dinner ready when I came home from work. And he did. It's not a sexist thing - it's a do your part thing. Now that hubs is back with a 100 minute one-way commute to work, I still wrangle the kids, breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I work full-time. I fully respect stay at home moms! You may need to invest in a crock pot, insta pot, and air fryer. Make meals in larger quantities, and store them for additional meals in the week. Do a weekly or monthly menu to plan things out. Get take out at least once a week when you may need to do laundry.

But this guy; he sounds like he's taking you for granted. Have him do the bedtime routine - bath, brush teeth, PJs and story. He is the father, and has to contribute. If he can't parent, he can leave. Stick to your guns, but be calm and steady when you explain it. If you yell it or say it angrily, he will tune you out. Just be firm and even heeled! It take one month to pick up a habit. 3 months for a life change. So don't be too critical if he tries to weasel out of it by doing a bad job. Stay positive, and give them compliments even if he's doing a mediocre job. Some men like this guy need more honey to get them to do things!

And the other thing, have sex. It's glue for him. At least once a week you work up to.

Different couples do the division of labor differently. When I was home full time with a toddler (no family around at all -relocated for my husband's job) he told me to hire any help I needed - house cleaner and/or babysitter etc. I opted for twice monthly cleaning service. My main job was parenting, not cleaning or cooking I did do both and didn't see it as my job (or my husband's necessarily). Cooking - no crock pot or multiple meals but I made larger quantities of staples like pasta, steamed veggies, sauteed chicken breast (good hot or cold, etc). We did some take out, some prepared meals, he had a number of business dinners and a lot of business travel too. I don't eat large dinners, he was happy to fend for himself with what was in the fridge. I solo parented a lot. It was hard. But yes he did bedtime routine/helped with it depending on what was going on and spent tons of his free time with our son. They're so close.

my suggestions -get outside with your child at least once a day. Fresh air or Starbucks or whatever. Make sure you work on getting more sleep if you have such a short fuse. Meet people -either other moms or just people you have things in common with -playgrounds are great places to meet people.

I agree that your husband sounds very difficult. i described my situation because it has/had some similarities. Did you want to stay home full time (I did, 100%, did so for 7 years, no regrets -the opposite) - sounds like maybe you didn't??

Do you have your own money, enough to support yourself and your child on your own? If you don't, I think you should put premium effort into that. Of course first on the list is caring for your child. I would stop engaging with your husband. In one ear, out the other. Build your support system outside the home.

As your friend, I'd watch your child for you in a heartbeat if it was so you could job hunt. Do you have someone like that?

Sounds like you do have some daycare, can you use some of that time for job hunting?

You will feel a lot less trapped if you always know you don't need him to survive and that you have your own means to provide for yourself and your child.

Put some space for now. If he starts annoying you, put your little guy in a stroller and go work it off with exercise. Focus on bigger picture.

I read through your past threads, this seems to be a marriage that's been on a shaky foundation from the start.

Thank you everyone for your feedback I truly read each one carefully. I think if I had my families support I would of left a long time ago but the truth is I don’t. When I would tell my mom whats happening she would just nod and say nothing at all. I call home very rarely now. I’m aware that I’m losing control but from now on I’ll keep my distance with him as much as possible and hopefully find a job to become self sufficient. I like the advice about talking my toddler for a walk I will try that. Thanks you all for your words of encouragement 🙏

Thank you everyone for your feedback I truly read each one carefully. I think if I had my families support I would of left a long time ago but the truth is I don’t. When I would tell my mom whats happening she would just nod and say nothing at all. I call home very rarely now. I’m aware that I’m losing control but from now on I’ll keep my distance with him as much as possible and hopefully find a job to become self sufficient. I like the advice about talking my toddler for a walk I will try that. Thanks you all for your words of encouragement 🙏

Also knowing a little more about whether you wanted to be the full time parent at home or otherwise would also explain why you're being triggered.

I read through some of your past threads... this seems to have been building for awhile. Your husband told you a couple of years ago he thought about another woman every day.... no wonder you are feeling angry and resentful.

Do empower yourself, even if it's small steps towards a life without him. You deserve a marriage with someone that loves you as much as you love him.

I’m a Stay at home mom to a little toddler. I don’t have family around and most days revolve around my son. My husband comes home and never ever tells me I’m doing a good job. In Fact today he came home and said how I don’t cook for him and there’s nothing to eat. I felt that it was a sexist and belittling comment and I lost it. On top of that I’m looking for a job (not even for the money just to get my sanity back) and find it really difficult considering I have a toddler around my legs on most days. I feel so defeated and I’m really resenting my husband like never before. When I talk to him he just shuts down and doesnt respond to anything I say.

Was this child planned?

Did the two of you sit down and together figure out who would do what chores?

If you get a job have you sat down with your husband to figure out who would pick up the baby from day care? Did you even figure out who will be caring for the baby during your working hours?

If you don't speak up and do it in a calm and matter of fact way as to how things are going to run so that BOTH of you are happy and the family dynamic is running like a fine tuned drum, then you will find that you will never get what you need to be happy.

If he's not willing to do anything to keep things humming then you should get yourselves into marriage counseling so that he learns that it takes two people to make a marriage a happy one.

FWIW: When I stayed home with our daughter on the condition that when she was in school full time, I would re-enter the work force and he would pick her up from the after school day care, I accepted that looking after the home and our daughter was my job... he paid me a small wage up and above the grocery money to do with what I wanted and he continued to contribute to my retirement regularily so I wouldn't be behind in the department.

You have to have a plan so how about you sit down and make one and then discuss it with him and tell him before you show him your plan of action that you would like his ideas as well. I suggest the first thing on your new plan at living is to ask him to text you if he has eaten dinner at work so you'll know whether or not to cook for him.

Do a google search for Early Childhood Education and Moms and Tots organizations in your area and get yourself and your toddler out and about meeting other kids and other mothers that are needing adult company.

This morning he had to take the toddler to daycare part time and

So what do you do while the child is day care and how many hours a week is the child there?

So what do you do while the child is day care and how many hours a week is the child there?

Good question.

Thank you everyone for your feedback I truly read each one carefully. I think if I had my families support I would of left a long time ago but the truth is I don’t. When I would tell my mom whats happening she would just nod and say nothing at all. I call home very rarely now. I’m aware that I’m losing control but from now on I’ll keep my distance with him as much as possible and hopefully find a job to become self sufficient. I like the advice about talking my toddler for a walk I will try that. Thanks you all for your words of encouragement 🙏

Saying nothing doesn't mean lack of support, it's more likely that she is leaving you to make a decision. Too often, when people are in a bad situation, speaking up and urging them to leave has the opposite effect - they'll become defensive. It's possible your mom simply fears to speak up so that she doesn't push you in the wrong direction. It would be different if she urged you to work things out, stick it out, etc. If she isn't doing that, you might have more support than you realize. Bottom line being that if you want help, you will need to spell out for people in your life what it is that you need from them and how they can help you. They can't read your mind and what you need from them.

That said, definitely work on becoming self sufficient. Also, quietly consult with a divorce lawyer or two. Pick the best and have a consultation. Learn your rights. Most consultations are free. If not, pay cash so your hubby doesn't get wind of your plans to leave. You have no idea how he may react or how vindictive he'll try to be. Get educated so he can't gaslight you.

Finally, for your own sanity, don't bother trying to please someone who refuses to be pleased. He is abusive and he means to be just that. Only defense and response to that is grey rock. Look up that term. It's basically zero reaction. You have to distance yourself emotionally completely and go into neutral mode. Make no mistake about it - when someone goes out of their way to criticize you no matter what you try to do, they are intentionally toxic to you and if you continue on with them, they'll wreck your life. Time to quietly create an exit plan and start executing it.