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Thread: Husband sends me into a Rage

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    If you are this angry at your husband perhaps it would be a good idea for you to distance yourself from him for awhile until you can sort out what to do. It's not healthy for any of you to have this much resentment, and it would seem both you and your husband are digging your heels in and refusing to compromise on your expectations of each other.

    Do you have family you can stay with for awhile?

  2. #12
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    When my husband was home with our 1st kid, I always expected the dishes washed, and dinner ready when I came home from work. And he did. It's not a sexist thing - it's a do your part thing. Now that hubs is back with a 100 minute one-way commute to work, I still wrangle the kids, breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I work full-time. I fully respect stay at home moms! You may need to invest in a crock pot, insta pot, and air fryer. Make meals in larger quantities, and store them for additional meals in the week. Do a weekly or monthly menu to plan things out. Get take out at least once a week when you may need to do laundry.

    But this guy; he sounds like he's taking you for granted. Have him do the bedtime routine - bath, brush teeth, PJs and story. He is the father, and has to contribute. If he can't parent, he can leave. Stick to your guns, but be calm and steady when you explain it. If you yell it or say it angrily, he will tune you out. Just be firm and even heeled! It take one month to pick up a habit. 3 months for a life change. So don't be too critical if he tries to weasel out of it by doing a bad job. Stay positive, and give them compliments even if he's doing a mediocre job. Some men like this guy need more honey to get them to do things!

    And the other thing, have sex. It's glue for him. At least once a week you work up to.

  3. #13
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    Different couples do the division of labor differently. When I was home full time with a toddler (no family around at all -relocated for my husband's job) he told me to hire any help I needed - house cleaner and/or babysitter etc. I opted for twice monthly cleaning service. My main job was parenting, not cleaning or cooking I did do both and didn't see it as my job (or my husband's necessarily). Cooking - no crock pot or multiple meals but I made larger quantities of staples like pasta, steamed veggies, sauteed chicken breast (good hot or cold, etc). We did some take out, some prepared meals, he had a number of business dinners and a lot of business travel too. I don't eat large dinners, he was happy to fend for himself with what was in the fridge. I solo parented a lot. It was hard. But yes he did bedtime routine/helped with it depending on what was going on and spent tons of his free time with our son. They're so close.

    my suggestions -get outside with your child at least once a day. Fresh air or Starbucks or whatever. Make sure you work on getting more sleep if you have such a short fuse. Meet people -either other moms or just people you have things in common with -playgrounds are great places to meet people.

    I agree that your husband sounds very difficult. i described my situation because it has/had some similarities. Did you want to stay home full time (I did, 100%, did so for 7 years, no regrets -the opposite) - sounds like maybe you didn't??

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Do you have your own money, enough to support yourself and your child on your own? If you don't, I think you should put premium effort into that. Of course first on the list is caring for your child. I would stop engaging with your husband. In one ear, out the other. Build your support system outside the home.
    As your friend, I'd watch your child for you in a heartbeat if it was so you could job hunt. Do you have someone like that?
    Sounds like you do have some daycare, can you use some of that time for job hunting?

    You will feel a lot less trapped if you always know you don't need him to survive and that you have your own means to provide for yourself and your child.

    Put some space for now. If he starts annoying you, put your little guy in a stroller and go work it off with exercise. Focus on bigger picture.

    I read through your past threads, this seems to be a marriage that's been on a shaky foundation from the start.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you everyone for your feedback I truly read each one carefully. I think if I had my families support I would of left a long time ago but the truth is I donít. When I would tell my mom whats happening she would just nod and say nothing at all. I call home very rarely now. Iím aware that Iím losing control but from now on Iíll keep my distance with him as much as possible and hopefully find a job to become self sufficient. I like the advice about talking my toddler for a walk I will try that. Thanks you all for your words of encouragement 🙏

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Lisa Love
    Thank you everyone for your feedback I truly read each one carefully. I think if I had my families support I would of left a long time ago but the truth is I donít. When I would tell my mom whats happening she would just nod and say nothing at all. I call home very rarely now. Iím aware that Iím losing control but from now on Iíll keep my distance with him as much as possible and hopefully find a job to become self sufficient. I like the advice about talking my toddler for a walk I will try that. Thanks you all for your words of encouragement 🙏
    Also knowing a little more about whether you wanted to be the full time parent at home or otherwise would also explain why you're being triggered.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I read through some of your past threads... this seems to have been building for awhile. Your husband told you a couple of years ago he thought about another woman every day.... no wonder you are feeling angry and resentful.

    Do empower yourself, even if it's small steps towards a life without him. You deserve a marriage with someone that loves you as much as you love him.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lisa Love
    Iím a Stay at home mom to a little toddler. I donít have family around and most days revolve around my son. My husband comes home and never ever tells me Iím doing a good job. In Fact today he came home and said how I donít cook for him and thereís nothing to eat. I felt that it was a sexist and belittling comment and I lost it. On top of that Iím looking for a job (not even for the money just to get my sanity back) and find it really difficult considering I have a toddler around my legs on most days. I feel so defeated and Iím really resenting my husband like never before. When I talk to him he just shuts down and doesnt respond to anything I say.
    Was this child planned?
    Did the two of you sit down and together figure out who would do what chores?
    If you get a job have you sat down with your husband to figure out who would pick up the baby from day care? Did you even figure out who will be caring for the baby during your working hours?

    If you don't speak up and do it in a calm and matter of fact way as to how things are going to run so that BOTH of you are happy and the family dynamic is running like a fine tuned drum, then you will find that you will never get what you need to be happy.

    If he's not willing to do anything to keep things humming then you should get yourselves into marriage counseling so that he learns that it takes two people to make a marriage a happy one.

    FWIW: When I stayed home with our daughter on the condition that when she was in school full time, I would re-enter the work force and he would pick her up from the after school day care, I accepted that looking after the home and our daughter was my job... he paid me a small wage up and above the grocery money to do with what I wanted and he continued to contribute to my retirement regularily so I wouldn't be behind in the department.

    You have to have a plan so how about you sit down and make one and then discuss it with him and tell him before you show him your plan of action that you would like his ideas as well. I suggest the first thing on your new plan at living is to ask him to text you if he has eaten dinner at work so you'll know whether or not to cook for him.

    Do a google search for Early Childhood Education and Moms and Tots organizations in your area and get yourself and your toddler out and about meeting other kids and other mothers that are needing adult company.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lisa Love
    This morning he had to take the toddler to daycare part time and
    So what do you do while the child is day care and how many hours a week is the child there?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    So what do you do while the child is day care and how many hours a week is the child there?
    Good question.

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