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Not sure no contact is right for everyone..


Plntldy22

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Everyone seems convinced that no contact is always the right solution and I’m not sure this is the right path for me.

 

I’ve been officially broken up with my ex boyfriend for a little over a week. When we parted ways, I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because it hurt too much. It seemed like the right path at the time and I’ve continued to stick with it, but the anxiety has been crippling for me. I can’t focus on moving forward because I’m so anxious about the fact that he might never reach out to me specifically because I told him not to.

 

I’ve started to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and some other issues that have come up because of this.. more long term stuff that I should have dealt with a long time ago. During our conversation today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to reach out. The anxiety of feeling like he won’t reach out because I told him not to is far stronger than the anxiety I have about him not wanting to contact me again on his own accord. If he doesn’t respond, I’ll at least know he’s not contacting me because he doesn’t want to, not because of my wishes. I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to say, but I’m trying hard to work on being forth coming with how I feel and communicating it to the people it applies to.

 

I’m not planning on reaching out regularly or even at all after, but I know that the only way I can even try to move forward is if I open it up again. I understand why some people just need to rip off the band aid and not speak again, but I just can’t. If I don’t admit that I hate not talking to him, the anxiety will destroy me before any hurt feelings about him not wanting me any longer.

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You are just in the denial stage and you must do ultimately what you feel you need to . You are free to do as you choose regardless of what is said on here or elsewhere . I didn't document my actions on here , more my emotions , but at the end of the day we will all do what we see fit to do .

 

In your case , he doesn't see a future with you and is already on a dating site and it must of surely ripped your heart out to see that , so you have convinced yourself that he has moved on because you told him to . If he wanted to be with you , your words would be meaningless , he would just contact you .

 

It is awful to feel the pain in your post , a heartbreak we all know , so I say again ..you do what you need to , it's your life , your book you are writing . Hugs .

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Sorry for your pain. Big internet hugs. Been there a few times.

 

I agree with the general sentiment about no contact. Never been a huge fan of the “block, delete, NC” prescription, one I’d never encountered before this site, for a few reasons. That said, I’ve generally liked taking some time to myself to heal and process, trusting that contact will come at the right time.

 

What I’d be wary of, at least judging from this and your last thread, is the urge to contact someone to quell anxiety—or to keep them close because you feel them slipping away or have gotten word about a dating app profile. I just don’t think that does much good, since at root it’s about denial and control: trying to get someone to feel something, do something, and/or react in some way that makes you feel better. In that, it’s outsourcing your emotional stability to another person—specifically the person who is causing the instability. The blade of a knife does not, generally, help with knife wounds.

 

It’s a process, of course, different for everyone. The first week—the first month—is pretty nuclear. A bomb has just gone off and, really, nothing changes that. Contact, no contact: it all feels so consequential, every hour critical In determining your future. That’s the illusion produced by emotional trauma. I think there is value in kind of seeing it like that, riding out the waves rather than fighting against them. Just the surfer in me, of course. In riding waves you get stronger, in fighting them you get drained.

 

You’ll do what’s right for you, and it’ll all lead you to the right path. Trust that. There’s really no wrong moves here, not at this stage. It’s bitter and painful, feelings we all react to in different ways. Do try to remind yourself that they are just that: feelings that, however powerful, are not permanent. They will change shape, and ultimately pass.

 

Feeling for you. Do what you need to do, and be kind to yourself.

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I’ve started to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and some other issues that have come up because of this..
Did you discuss with your therapist (what appears to be) your compulsive need to contact him again? If you did, what did they suggest? If you didn't, why not?

 

Right now you're going through some withdrawl pains from the habit of him being in your life and now he no longer is. Probably, if you stuck out the no contact, you stopped and changed the subject of him swirling around in your head and changed the narrative to something else, eventually your anxiety from not talking to him would dwindle until eventually, you would reach the blissful stage of indifference to him because you would have detoxed from the habit. Its only been a week so its understandable that you are fixated on a need to talk to him, but in time it will no longer be a need.

 

That being said, like Pippy has mentioned, you do what you need to do. Just don't expect that talking to him will alleviate your anxiety. It won't or, it will for about 24 hours and then you'll be right back where you started in the road to recovery from your drug of choice called "ex boyfriend."

 

Feel better soon... try your best to keep going NC and do so with the knowledge that cold turkey withdrawl hurts, but it gets you through the pain of that withdrawl much quicker, afterall; You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette.

 

Hugs.

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I am sorry you are experiencing NC.

 

I am also experiencing the NC. For me to just be shut out , and complete no contact ,makes me feel less than.

However We both are going threw a break up. So what helps me is giving him his space . And respect of what he needs right now

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That being said, like Pippy has mentioned, you do what you need to do. Just don't expect that talking to him will alleviate your anxiety. It won't or, it will for about 24 hours and then you'll be right back where you started in the road to recovery from your drug of choice called "ex boyfriend."

 

^^^ that is so important what TWT has said ...it scratches an itch ...for a couple of days ...then you get the nigglings of another itch and find another reason ,I have been there ..we all have .

 

Little story before I got to bed , it is gone 3.30 in the uk , no wonder I look 80 :eek:

 

few people know on here but one night my ex saw me on here ( the ex that I came to this site as a result of ) it started us off emailing each other and I thought we where on our way to a recon . We wasn't .

At that time my mum was dying and looking back I think when he found that out , he had dipped his toe in the water and didn't want to go back there , but didn't know how to walk away .....so he stuck it out emailing with me till she died ....on the day of her funeral he sent a lovely message to me and my daughter then ghosted me ..i have never heard another word from him since .

 

But at the time , I was emailing away , ignoring the fact that I was not getting a reply , then a friend off here who I emailed with away from ENA said my email had been hacked as she was getting a load of spam off me ... I convinced myself that was it ...arghh of course he was still in contact , the poor thing was trying and I had been hacked .....I totally ignored the fact that he had my land line number , my mobile number , my address and the key to my door !!!!!

 

My point , although we have very different stories , the end result was the same ..he didn't want to continue with me and I fooled myself into fitting a narrative to ease my mind and give me hope . I got there in the end ..that was all 5 and a half years ago ..a long way back in my past and my emotions now ..I got through it and you will too x

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Excellent you are talking to a therapist and getting support unpacking and sorting out some things. You can reach out but then the anxiety will just morph into "will he reply? why did it take that long?, is he seeing someone? what did he mean by that?, will he reach out?, will we get back together?", etc etc etc.

 

In other words the anxiety is driving this urge but doing this will enhance, not quell, that anxiety.

 

Please keep this in mind: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562690&p=7181753&viewfull=1#post7181753

I’ve started to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and some other issues that have come up because of this.. more long term stuff that I should have dealt with a long time ago. During our conversation today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to reach out.

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.

 

I’ve been officially broken up with my ex boyfriend for a little over a week. ...

 

If you must reach out, perhaps send a message along these lines.

 

"This is not what I wanted, but I have to respect your decision. I can't be friends with you, but if you ever re-think things, get in touch."

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If you must reach out, perhaps send a message along these lines.

 

"This is not what I wanted, but I have to respect your decision. I can't be friends with you, but if you ever re-think things, get in touch."

 

Yep, if the closed door is what's giving you anxiety, then that doesn't mean you must play friendzies in order to open it again. A message such as the above removes you from the limbo hell of positioning yourself badly. Beyond that, you'd just be reopening the breakup wounds with every contact, and that's not exactly an anxiety healer.

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If you must reach out, perhaps send a message along these lines.

 

"This is not what I wanted, but I have to respect your decision. I can't be friends with you, but if you ever re-think things, get in touch."

Yes, Op... just don't wait around with bated breath for him to re-think and get in touch." Consider the message as a way for YOU to give up the hope which is the first step in feeling better. As long as you haven't accepted the end, you won't allow yourself to heal.

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I totally understand your situation I suffer from anxiety too and my bf of 6 years broke up with me out the blue, I was in same position as you, its been 6 weeks since we split and I suffer from bad anxiety, do what you need to do but i started seeing a therapist and it's honestly the best thing I've ever done. The NC has been so hard but it has been 3 weeks now since no contact and I am slowly starting to feel better and just remember you deserve so much better. It is hard I'm not going to lie and I'm still trying to get over it but it will get better thats what I am trying to tell myself.

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I like the idea of a quick message to clarify that he can get in touch if he wants to be in an exclusive committed relationship with you -and if you are still interested and available you will consider it. i've been in your shoes. Contact makes it worse, the stress ,everything.

 

Had my husband and I stayed in touch during the almost 8 years we were apart (we dated seriously for 2 years and were engaged when we ended things) we would not be married now. We did have limited contact -a few mostly impersonal emails a year and one quick dinner after about 6 years. So that when we got back together there was no bad blood which there would have been had we tried to be "friends" -because it would have just triggered too much potential jealousy, revived the hurt feelings from the breakup, prevented us from trying to move on even professionally in the most optimal way. We each had serious relationships while apart but no engagements or marriage. It let us have as clean a slate as possible when we got back together. Married almost 11 years.

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