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Thread: Sent Facebook text

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You were very brave and your intentions were in a good place. It does seem you have an expectation here that is tripping you up, however. If you didn't, you would have just shrug off how this is playing out and written him off by now.

    You've called him, searched him out on social media, left a pm there.
    He in turn said he'd call, didn't and in exchange offered up a game.
    You reminded him of the phone call and now he's gone radio silence.

    goddess, you are a smart lady. You know the answer to this is to take a step back and leave it alone.

    give yourself credit for trying and acknowledge when it's time to let it go. One more move on your part will be one move too many.
    Yes, I did my part, it didn't work, so I'm done with him now.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    I hoped, not expected. The real reason that I wanted to reconnect is because I literally have no friends these days and I thought it might be nice to talk. Kind of pathetic but true. As you may recall, all our mutual friends turned their backs to me since my recent divorce. The only friends I have are two gay guys who are married to each other. They are amazing people but we hardly ever talk now. I did reach out to 3 people (again, mutual friends) whom I valued but it's clear that I've been rejected. It seems that no one wants to bother with me. Lesson learned. And, I'm not ready to go out there and join groups to make new friends. Did that once and I realised I'm not ready. I still have a long time to go before I'm healed. I'm very much alone which, for the most part, I'm fine with it but it does get lonely at times. A nice little chat would have been uplifting, I suppose.

    Trust me, DancingFool, I'm not being coy by any stretch of the imagination. But, like you said, he might be. Getting into a relationship is not even under my radar so that's not my goal here. Plain and simple, I just wanted to open the channels of communication. Period. But, you are right about his behaviour. And, I guess I did put him on the spot. I'll just lay back and see what happens.
    OK, fair enough, but you clearly are craving friendship and human contact. So yes, you are ready to join some groups, some hobbies, something to not only occupy your time, but create opportunities for you to start developing new friends. Just friends. Going back into your past isn't going to work. The way forward is...well.....forward. Developing new friendships does take time and patience and not every group will work out for you. A lot of it is making yourself do it even when you don't feel like it. Just go and see who you meet and click with....and expect that a lot of the time you won't.....but a new connection here, another one there and.....you have a new life and it's starting to feel a little bit better.....

    Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool


    Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.
    This is great advise. If you aren't feeling really confident to do so, consider that when engaging in activities like this you are doing things along side of or parallel each other. It's connecting with others in a baby step sorta way.

    I think you went backwards because you thought it safer that way than to risk moving forward.

    I love the analogy of a squirrel trying to cross the road. It's actually true if you watch it. They will get 3/4 of the way across and if they see a car, they run back to where they came from. Even if it's at it's own peril. Because it's all it knows. The other side is unknown.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OK, fair enough, but you clearly are craving friendship and human contact. So yes, you are ready to join some groups, some hobbies, something to not only occupy your time, but create opportunities for you to start developing new friends. Just friends. Going back into your past isn't going to work. The way forward is...well.....forward. Developing new friendships does take time and patience and not every group will work out for you. A lot of it is making yourself do it even when you don't feel like it. Just go and see who you meet and click with....and expect that a lot of the time you won't.....but a new connection here, another one there and.....you have a new life and it's starting to feel a little bit better.....

    Personally, I've found it easiest to make friends with outdoorsy people - hiking, kayaking, tennis, any kind of sports really. Granted, I'm outdoorsy, so I connect with that easier. You need to find you. Maybe it's hiking, maybe it's volunteering, but....get out there. Yes, you are ready. You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.
    WOW! This is deep >>> You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

    I never thought of it that way. I just realised that I considered him "safe" and even perhaps "familiar" since we were buddies decades ago. As I just wrote to reinventmyself, I viewed his not calling as yet another rejection. I'm still too vulnerable. Thank you!

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    This is great advise. If you aren't feeling really confident to do so, consider that when engaging in activities like this you are doing things along side of or parallel each other. It's connecting with others in a baby step sorta way.

    I think you went backwards because you thought it safer that way than to risk moving forward.

    I love the analogy of a squirrel trying to cross the road. It's actually true if you watch it. They will get 3/4 of the way across and if they see a car, they run back to where they came from. Even if it's at it's own peril. Because it's all it knows. The other side is unknown.
    What a great analogy! Yes, I'm very afraid and skeptical to do anything these days. It's easier (and safer) to stay in my shell. That's why I was disappointed when he didn't call - yet another rejection, as I saw it. Thank you!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    WOW! This is deep >>> You are doing it already, just using a rear view mirror, so just look forward instead.

    I never thought of it that way. I just realised that I considered him "safe" and even perhaps "familiar" since we were buddies decades ago. As I just wrote to reinventmyself, I viewed his not calling as yet another rejection. I'm still too vulnerable. Thank you!
    I mean....he didn't really reject you as such. He just responded in a much more passive way, aka let's play a game together.

    Anyway, what you are learning is that the past is in the past....where it should be. So be brave and look forward. Go sign up for things and just start doing random stuff that even remotely interests you.... just try things. You will surprise yourself and you will start running into people you like. New people, new life, new activities trigger happier thoughts and creativity and breathe life into you....quite literally so. It's not about playing it safe, it's about embracing the present and making it to be what you want it to be. Envision the life that you want to have and go get it, one baby step a day. I'll say it again - you are bold, brave, gutsy - tap into that and go grab life by the horns. Eyes forward.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I mean....he didn't really reject you as such. He just responded in a much more passive way, aka let's play a game together.

    Anyway, what you are learning is that the past is in the past....where it should be. So be brave and look forward. Go sign up for things and just start doing random stuff that even remotely interests you.... just try things. You will surprise yourself and you will start running into people you like. New people, new life, new activities trigger happier thoughts and creativity and breathe life into you....quite literally so. It's not about playing it safe, it's about embracing the present and making it to be what you want it to be. Envision the life that you want to have and go get it, one baby step a day. I'll say it again - you are bold, brave, gutsy - tap into that and go grab life by the horns. Eyes forward.
    Thank you so much for your encouraging and flatteriing words, DancingFool. You are an amazing person. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved one. xx

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Another analogy. . (from a therapist when I told him I wasn't ready to date and at that moment I wouldn't be very good at it.)

    He told me that I wasn't going to learn to date again by standing outside the batters box, watching. I'd only get better at it if I got in the box and started swinging.

  10. #19
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    If you just want something to occupy your time with a human connection but not forming friendships as the goal, try volunteer work. Volunteer at the local zoo, museum, a children's group home where they are waiting for foster parents to take them on, environmental cleanups, nursing homes. It might be a less scary step for you before you move on to other activities.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    just FYI, those games, and gaming is how a lot of people socially interact these days. That's probably why he suggested you get in the game with him. Some games have a chat box or you can voice chat on the higher playing level games. So it was a good thing you moved on, games not being of any interest to you.

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