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How to handle relationship with daughter...


maew

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Hey all;

 

Thought I would post as I am feeling stuck, sad and a little defeated this morning and I need some objective views to hopefully help me see the way forward here.

 

I have a 27 y/0 daughter that for all intents and purposes, doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with me. I love this human being beyond words... like I just want to cry thinking about it.

 

The issue I am having is that when I reach out to her, she generally ignores me until I literally beg and plead for her to call me... and then she will, and tell me everything is fine, and we have a great conversation, and then poof she disappears again.

 

It wasn't always this way. I was a single mom and we were very close while she was growing up. When she turned 17, she went completely off the rails... like refused to come home, would bring alcohol and drugs into our home (I am in recovery so this didn't sit well with me) and eventually ran away to live with her friend, and then her boyfriend once she turned 18... she didn't talk to me for probably a year after that and then slowly but surely we built our relationship back up again until she and I were talking pretty much weekly and seeing each other once every few weeks.

 

Why didn't she talk to me? She said that she felt guilty every time she did... so she avoided me... thought I didn't accept her or that I was judging her... so I took that to heart, and worked on just connecting with her and trying to accept her for who she was and where she was at.

 

Slowly she turned her life around, and built a life that made her happy... she has a long term BF who is a really nice human, they own a condo, she has a job at a restaurant that she loves, he works for his dad... overall they are pretty stable. She has been working on what she calls "adulting"... taking care of her responsibilities and has come a long way.

 

She doesn't ask for anything... neither of them do... they are both very independent, and even though I would love to help her has always wanted to stand on her own two feet.

 

We have had quite a few heart to hearts and she gives me no clues as to why she ignores or doesn't respond, she just says she is busy or working or her phone is broken or whatever... and it's not just me, her other parents and grandparents never hear from her despite reaching out to her regularly she for some reason refuses to respond to them.

 

I guess I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to give up... I suppose I fear that if I do, I will never hear from her... but maybe that's what she wants and I should honor that. I feel so much guilt and sadness, not just for me but for the rest of her family that doesn't hear from her.

 

Should I give up and just let go until she reaches out? I've wanted to many times but I always feel horribly guilty at not making an effort to contact her. The other side is that I know I am being super codependent and that the only way out of codependency is to let go of the relationship... but how on earth do you let go of a relationship with your only child??

 

I have no idea what to do... would love if someone has some perspectives they can share from the parenting side or the child side.

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For what it's worth, I think you are focused too much on two polar extremes in either be very very close, talk all the time and see each other regularly or give up completely. Except between these extremes there is a healthy middle.

 

What you are going through is defining adult boundaries and she is right that she is finally focused and living her own life. Good job mom! Seriously. Appreciate that despite all the challenges you had, you raised your daughter to be where she is at today.

 

As for the relationship, you will always be mom, but now that she is grown up and stable, she doesn't need to talk to mom that much and when you push....you get a normal human reaction of not quite wanting to deal with it. Try backing off a little bit or even a lot and trust in the fact that she'll always be your daughter and you'll always be her mom and there is no need to jump to extremes of either being best bbf's or not speaking at all.

 

Kids grow up and move on to live their own lives and when they do, you, as a parent, did a good job of raising them. That means that contact between you will become less. Maybe you check in once a month, see each other on just holidays, etc. Kids are supposed to leave the nest and.....stay out it, if all goes well. As for friendship, you need to have your own friends and don't lean on your daughter to be your bff. You have to let her grow up and when you relax and step back, I think you'll find that she'll start to remember to call you and check up on you.

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You did a good job. She's doing well. Do you have any of the social media she does? Why post some things on them that are upbeat/interesting, make sure to invite her to follow, friend, etc. Get up to date on this so you can "speak her language" (social media) so to speak. Everyone snaps, instas, tweets, likes, etc. Nobody talks anymore..especially to a parent.

 

Then...occasionally...'like' or post something positive on her pages. The one-on-one calling may not be her lifestyle at this point. She probably is busy with her social media on her phone all day...that's how it is. Don't beg or nag...she'll just eye-roll and hit ignore. Nothing personal...just how the reality is now..

I have a 27 y/0 daughter that for all intents and purposes, doesn't seem to want to have a relationship with me. I love this human being beyond words... like I just want to cry thinking about it. The issue I am having is that when I reach out to her, she generally ignores me until I literally beg and plead for her to call me... and then she will, and tell me everything is fine, and we have a great conversation, and then poof she disappears again.

 

she turned her life around, and built a life that made her happy... she has a long term BF who is a really nice human, they own a condo, she has a job at a restaurant that she loves, he works for his dad... overall they are pretty stable. She has been working on what she calls "adulting"... taking care of her responsibilities and has come a long way.

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First things first: big internet hugs.

 

My gut response, reading this, is that you just keep doing what you’re doing: being there, basically, but with a different approach, one based more on faith than fear. Rather than the begging and pleading, just step back a bit without thinking in terms of “never” and “forever.” You’ve done a good job, have raised an independent woman. Take some solace in that.

 

If you’d like, you could take a moment to write her a letter that lets her know that your instincts right now are to give her space—but also that you love her and are here for her, always: phone on, door and heart open. She might reply, she might not—both are equally fine. You could also write such a letter and not send it, to affirm those hard facts for yourself—that you love her and are here for her, having faith in those truths without needing them validated by her right away.

 

If I had to guess, she probably doesn’t quite understand the distancing herself. Whatever is behind that instinct remains mysterious, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent or a verdict, just something she is needing right now. What today feels scary will very likely in the future be seen as a period of recalibration, something I think happens here and there between adults and children. Growing out of one dynamic so you can grow into another, with these junctures being a form of growing pains, the emotional variety.

 

Feeling for you. I kind of have an inverse of this relationship with my father.

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I went through something similar with my first son. He started to pull away at about 17 and came back around 23-25. It was a confusing and painful time and you think of everything you put into the relationship, giving birth and cultivating that relationship, just to have them turn their back on you.

 

I read an article about this stage of a young persons life and how they need to separate in order to grow and be autonomous from their parent. The article helped and though I still fought daily to not take it personally, he did come back in his early 20's, a mature young man.

 

My sons are 5 years apart and like clockwork, the youngest son did the same exact thing.

 

It helped to reflect back to their age and how clueless I was about my own parents feelings. I certainly wasn't worrying about them back then.

 

While not trying to minimize your discomfort, it helped to remind myself repeatedly that it was a normal transition for all of us.

 

Let her go. She'll be back.

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Thank you all so much... I never looked at it as a positive that she was independent and didn't "need" her mum but you are so right. She is doing well, and happy, and living the life she wants which is all I have ever wanted for her.

 

I suppose in all honesty I did have expectations of what our relationship would look like... have tried to control it through begging and guilt tripping to make it be the way I wanted it to be... however in doing so am not accepting of what she wants or where she is at in life... pushing her further away. I guess it's like any other relationship isn't it? We have to let it go so it will be what it is supposed to be, and focus on living our own lives.

 

Fortunately I have a very full life of my own, so this doesn't come up often, however this time of year tends to bring up a lot of feelings for me, unmet expectations, disappointments, grief, etc., when in reality I have a lot to be grateful for and that's what I need to focus on, and just process the feelings as they come instead of acting on them.

 

I suppose I always thought being a parent would get easier as they get older... and it does in ALOT of ways, however there still always seems to be something to worry about with kids no matter how old they are!

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It's called the empty nest syndrome for a reason. :)

 

You did all that raising and caring and then....boom....they flew the coup and they are doing well. Meanwhile, you are kind of......missing something....it's quite literally suddenly quiet and empty feeling. That's normal though, but in a good kind of way. I doubt she gets it and won't until she is in your shoes. It's just kind of how life works. It's way harder on you right now in terms of adjusting and not quite on her radar that anything is really wrong. Bottom line though is that you should be proud of her and yourself. You did a good job!

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Excellent. Ok post some pics/videos on social media. Then she'll be nudging her friends..'whoa... check this out...my mom is skydiving again'. But seriously, it's normal and just be ok that she came out so well. Keep in mind holidays tend to bring this stuff out from nowhere.

Fortunately I have a very full life of my own, so this doesn't come up often, however this time of year tends to bring up a lot of feelings for me, unmet expectations, disappointments, grief, etc., when in reality I have a lot to be grateful for and that's what I need to focus on, and just process the feelings as they come instead of acting on them.

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Not only did you raise an independent young woman, you instilled in her a sense of security in knowing her mom is an independent strong woman who doesn't need her children to survive and thrive. That's such a priceless gift, as it's giving her the opportunity to grow into her own.

 

I do think it's a common phase, particularly in our twenties, to distance some from parents while we discover who we are separately. I know I did, and then later I had a deeper appreciation for my mom as a person - not only as a mom - and enjoyed spending time with her in that new way.

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I'm the daughter of a single mom as well and those relationships tend to get extremely close. I'm also an only child. It must have been hard to not share some of the tougher parenting decisions with dad. You were the one to set all the boundaries when she was growing up, and you were also the one to provide all the emotional support. I tip my hat to you, lady, you did a fantastic job. Just like my mom did with me.

 

Just remember, she doesn't have dad to confide in or siblings to laugh with about one horrible Thanksgiving in 2010. It's a lot of responsibility for one parent to shoulder alone, and it can also be a burden for a child like that to cut the chord and not have mom be "everything". I think she's just enjoying her independence for now, kinda spreading her wings. I certainly needed it around her age as well and it's only natural and good. I think the relationship between an only child and a single mom is bound to experience some push and pull, near and far, because the balance that others might have had wasn't always there. Let her fly, be happy she's getting on so well. And I can guarantee she won't just forget about you. She loves you and there will be times again where you'll hear more from her.

 

I think the biggest gift you can give her is a fullfilled happy life of your own. I love when my mom sends me updates from a trip she takes or a funny story from a night out. I want her to be happy without me around, because I can't shoulder the responsibility of having to feel like I need to take care of her. Just send her some fun updates sometimes, maybe a picture of you doing a wine tasting or whatnot. Even if she doesn't have the time to respond, she'll be happy to know you're doing well. Oh, and also, I started to bombard my mom with calls and messages again when I had my own daughter. I think my mom and this point rolls her eyes when she hears from me yet again haha. Trust me, this won't be forever.

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it can also be a burden for a child like that to cut the chord and not have mom be "everything".

 

I want her to be happy without me around, because I can't shoulder the responsibility of having to feel like I need to take care of her.

 

Oh man this really hit me in the feels! You are so on point with this and everything else you said. Thank you for that perspective.

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I think that instead of pouring your heart out in a letter, or calling hoping for "deep heart to hearts", I would take a different tactic. If you find some article or cartoon she would find hilarious, just email it to her or however you reach out. With no expectation of answer - because it doesn't need one. I played a game online with a relative who was difficult to talk to - it bothers me that i could never pour my heart out, but staying connected in light ways keeps my presence around, or keeps some form of communication open.

 

I know for a period of time i didn't want to talk to my parents much because mom would always pepper in some "you need to get with reality" or some criticism of something and she would have "saved up" all the things she wanted to say because i didn't call much for maybe a period of a couple years. we are close now, but i dreaded calling home. i didn't want 2 weeks to 2 months of what she had saved up to pour out on me.

 

I think you are learning to have an adult relationship with her, too

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If you find some article or cartoon she would find hilarious, just email it to her or however you reach out. With no expectation of answer - because it doesn't need one.

 

Great advice, as she is hilarious and we love cracking jokes and one liners when we are together... connect based on something fun vs. all the feels.

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I would write a heartfelt letter to her either via postal mail or email. Keep it sincere and brief. I'd tell her that you're always there for her while honoring the space and time she desires. This way, she knows she has you to lean on when she needs you and at the same time you'll respect her independence and very busy life.

 

Little birds grow up and fly away from the nest. It sounds like you have empty nest syndrome. You have to learn to let go.

 

I was the same when I was your daughter's age. I was close to my mother as a child and not so close when I was 17 years old and beyond. However, as I grew older, I became closer to my mother because I could relate better. I became even closer to her once I became a mother.

 

Let your daughter live her life. She'll come around, come to you for advice and moral support. You have to remain patient in the meantime. Also, get busy with this new stage in your life. Have healthy distractions.

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I would write a heartfelt letter to her either via postal mail or email. Keep it sincere and brief. I'd tell her that you're always there for her while honoring the space and time she desires. This way, she knows she has you to lean on when she needs you and at the same time you'll respect her independence and very busy life.

 

If the daughter is just busy with her own life and feels no ill for her mom, this will make her run for the hills. Like a dumpee on ENA asking for advice to write a letter "so that the other person realizes..."something. It may come across as guilting and its really for the letter writer. It might be good for you to write a letter and toss it away. The daughter is not being broken up with.

 

Don't push. let her come to you. And when she does, don't set a "trap" - small talk, then release all the emotional stuff you have saved up for her when she does reach out. Be proud that she is independent. maybe invite her out to lunch and shopping or dinner or something she likes to do every quarter if she doesn't initiate.

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If the daughter is just busy with her own life and feels no ill for her mom, this will make her run for the hills. Like a dumpee on ENA asking for advice to write a letter "so that the other person realizes..."something. It may come across as guilting and its really for the letter writer. It might be good for you to write a letter and toss it away. The daughter is not being broken up with.

 

Don't push. let her come to you. And when she does, don't set a "trap" - small talk, then release all the emotional stuff you have saved up for her when she does reach out. Be proud that she is independent. maybe invite her out to lunch and shopping or dinner or something she likes to do every quarter if she doesn't initiate.

 

I agree. The daughter is trying to create some space. Moving in on it physically or emotionally isn't a good idea. Give her the room to grow and trust that you've laid the foundation for her to return.

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And when she does, don't set a "trap" - small talk, then release all the emotional stuff you have saved up for her when she does reach out.

 

Thanks all... I agree with this completely, I save the heavy emotional talk for my friends etc. and keep the conversation with my kid light and fun... we will generally talk about what she wants to talk about... the reality is that all I have to actually do is listen, because she will spend the whole time talking about everything going on in her life and every little thought in her head, I mean this kid loves to talk holy cow... I just nod and and affirm that I am listening lol

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Great advice, as she is hilarious and we love cracking jokes and one liners when we are together... connect based on something fun vs. all the feels.

 

Yep! Occasional messages like, "I heard [name of song] today and thought of you. Remember [xyz] and how we laughed? Just thinking of you and felt like reminding you of how proud I am of you." ...Boom! Drop it, then done. No formal closure as with a letter, and no asking for contact or implying that she should respond in any way.

 

Keep a light touch, don't pull any guilt cards, and you'll see this stage evolve over time into more appreciation for you.

 

You've done fabulous work of raising your daughter. Dr. Joy Browne has said, "Our job as a parent is to give our kids both roots and wings. The roots are not the hard part."

 

Let her fly, and when she wants to land and catch up on occasion, she will let you know.

 

Head high, Mama Maew, and great job!

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Thanks all... I agree with this completely, I save the heavy emotional talk for my friends etc. and keep the conversation with my kid light and fun... we will generally talk about what she wants to talk about... the reality is that all I have to actually do is listen, because she will spend the whole time talking about everything going on in her life and every little thought in her head, I mean this kid loves to talk holy cow... I just nod and and affirm that I am listening lol

 

That's great. Let her open up and go along for the ride....for now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey all... thought I would post an update as I seem to be really struggling to deal with my feelings about this situation.

 

My daughter has decided she wants to stay home alone Christmas Day... she sprung it on me the day of my birthday which was a couple of days ago, and confirmed it yesterday. After she told me I literally spent the day sobbing, struggling to accept her decision.

 

Background:

 

Originally, my boyfriend had invited me to come to his family Xmas dinner where is daughter, her mom and a bunch of other family will be.

 

Let me caveat this by saying that he and the mom have a great co-parenting relationship, and she has warmly welcomed me into their family... she is a lovely human being as is the rest of their family... so while it feels a bit weird and awkward at times, at the end of the day it's a beautiful thing that they work so hard to get along for the sake of their daughter.

 

My daughter really likes my BF... and has found a lot of joy in seeing me happy. My BF really likes her too and wants to include her in whatever we do, hence the suggestion that we bring everyone together.

 

In hindsight I suppose I didn't recognize how big a deal this might be for her... she hasn't met any of his family yet, including his daughter, so this would have been the first time.

 

After I asked her yesterday about why she wasn't coming... she shared with me that while she would have been happy to spend Xmas with just her and me, she wasn't ready to spend it with his family.

 

Cue the absolutely horrendous guilt and grief... I felt like a terrible person, I didn't want her to think I was choosing him over her.... I've always put her first, despite her lack of interest in a relationship with me at times I would drop whatever I was doing to be there for her, especially on holidays.

 

I talked to my BF, and told him what was going on, and of course he was lovely and said you do whatever you need to do, your daughter is important, we will be okay.

 

I told my daughter... I don't want you to think I am choosing him over you, if you want a day with just the two of us let's do it... turns out she doesn't want even that, she told me she was actually glad I had plans as she didn't want to feel like she was abandoning me, that she really hates Xmas anyway and had a tough year and wanted to spend the day alone..

 

So why do I feel so heart broken? Why do I feel so much guilt? We had a very mature conversation yesterday, she made it clear multiple times that she loves and appreciates my willingness to be there... yet I am struggling so much to let this go.

 

I suppose part of it is that she has done this a lot... flaked out on important moments in my life.... bailed at the last minute... perhaps a lot of this is built up disappointment from all of those times... part of it is my codependency with her, I am VERY codependent with her, it's something I am working on... part of it is parental guilt for choosing a dad for her that bailed on her life... part of it is that I am worried about her, like always... even though she is 27 that worry still remains!

 

Am writing this out hoping it helps with clarity, to get it out of my head, if anyone else has experience with this I would love to hear as it helped me a great deal last time.

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Update.... after the writing of this and spending the evening volunteering serving meals to those in need... as well as spending the day with my kid doing our own little Xmas together... things feel so much better.

 

Maybe this needs to be moved to the journal section as it’s been very therapeutic writing all of this out.

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