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Thread: How to handle relationship with daughter...

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Thanks all... I agree with this completely, I save the heavy emotional talk for my friends etc. and keep the conversation with my kid light and fun... we will generally talk about what she wants to talk about... the reality is that all I have to actually do is listen, because she will spend the whole time talking about everything going on in her life and every little thought in her head, I mean this kid loves to talk holy cow... I just nod and and affirm that I am listening lol
    That's great. Let her open up and go along for the ride....for now.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Christmas Struggles with Daughter....

    Hey all... thought I would post an update as I seem to be really struggling to deal with my feelings about this situation.

    My daughter has decided she wants to stay home alone Christmas Day... she sprung it on me the day of my birthday which was a couple of days ago, and confirmed it yesterday. After she told me I literally spent the day sobbing, struggling to accept her decision.

    Background:

    Originally, my boyfriend had invited me to come to his family Xmas dinner where is daughter, her mom and a bunch of other family will be.

    Let me caveat this by saying that he and the mom have a great co-parenting relationship, and she has warmly welcomed me into their family... she is a lovely human being as is the rest of their family... so while it feels a bit weird and awkward at times, at the end of the day it's a beautiful thing that they work so hard to get along for the sake of their daughter.

    My daughter really likes my BF... and has found a lot of joy in seeing me happy. My BF really likes her too and wants to include her in whatever we do, hence the suggestion that we bring everyone together.

    In hindsight I suppose I didn't recognize how big a deal this might be for her... she hasn't met any of his family yet, including his daughter, so this would have been the first time.

    After I asked her yesterday about why she wasn't coming... she shared with me that while she would have been happy to spend Xmas with just her and me, she wasn't ready to spend it with his family.

    Cue the absolutely horrendous guilt and grief... I felt like a terrible person, I didn't want her to think I was choosing him over her.... I've always put her first, despite her lack of interest in a relationship with me at times I would drop whatever I was doing to be there for her, especially on holidays.

    I talked to my BF, and told him what was going on, and of course he was lovely and said you do whatever you need to do, your daughter is important, we will be okay.

    I told my daughter... I don't want you to think I am choosing him over you, if you want a day with just the two of us let's do it... turns out she doesn't want even that, she told me she was actually glad I had plans as she didn't want to feel like she was abandoning me, that she really hates Xmas anyway and had a tough year and wanted to spend the day alone..

    So why do I feel so heart broken? Why do I feel so much guilt? We had a very mature conversation yesterday, she made it clear multiple times that she loves and appreciates my willingness to be there... yet I am struggling so much to let this go.

    I suppose part of it is that she has done this a lot... flaked out on important moments in my life.... bailed at the last minute... perhaps a lot of this is built up disappointment from all of those times... part of it is my codependency with her, I am VERY codependent with her, it's something I am working on... part of it is parental guilt for choosing a dad for her that bailed on her life... part of it is that I am worried about her, like always... even though she is 27 that worry still remains!

    Am writing this out hoping it helps with clarity, to get it out of my head, if anyone else has experience with this I would love to hear as it helped me a great deal last time.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Update.... after the writing of this and spending the evening volunteering serving meals to those in need... as well as spending the day with my kid doing our own little Xmas together... things feel so much better.

    Maybe this needs to be moved to the journal section as itís been very therapeutic writing all of this out.

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