Sad and Confused. Would love some advice.

Hello everybody. I’ve been going through a rough time recently, and could use some advice.

So, me and my ex-husband were together for about 12 years. We split up about 10 years ago. It wasn’t a good relationship, but our break up wasn’t bad. We’ve actually been good friends ever since then.

About six months ago my mom had grown very frail and weak, the doctor placed her in hospice. Then about two months ago, my dad had a heart attack and stroke. I’ve always been very close with my parents, so, emotionally, it was very hard on me.

At one point, when both of my parents were in the hospital, I started spending a lot more time with my ex-husband. He was being very kind and supportive. The time we spent together ended up with us back in a relationship. I had not even been attracted to him in so many years, but it was like we were teenagers again. I felt so in love.

My mom ended up passing away three weeks ago. About a week after she passed away me and my ex-husband moved into an apartment together. Well, it only took about three days of living together for me to realize I had made a big mistake. There were good reasons that we got divorced 10 years ago. And even though he has matured a lot since then, I very quickly saw the red flags.

I asked him to leave about a week ago. He moved back in with his sister across the street, and I stayed at the apartment. I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I thought we would probably just go back to being friends. But the problem is he, apparently, developed very deep feelings for me again, or maybe he always had them, I’m not really sure. Either way, he was very sad and hurt by our break up. I know he has been drinking a lot (which is really unusual for him), and upset because my son told me his dad was over there drinking and talking with him the other night, and he’s not doing well.

Now that I’ve had some time to think, I feel like maybe my stress and sadness over my parents is what triggered me to have feelings for my ex again. And now I feel completely awful. I’ve lost our friendship, and lost my mom. And I just feel so sad and alone.

I didn’t mean to hurt him. And I wasn’t playing games with him. I just want to make that clear. I truly honestly thought we had fallen back in love. And don’t get me wrong, I do still love him, just not romantically.

We have always been close. We got together when we were 17, and been in each others ever lives since then. We have two children together, but they are both grown now. I just don’t know If there something I should do. I feel so sad and lonely without his friendship and support. And I honestly couldn’t tell you if I would be this upset if my mom hadn’t just passed away and my dad wasn’t so sick. I feel like I should just give him space and leave him alone. But I also feel bad that I may have really hurt him, which was not ever anything I intended. So, do I want to talk to him because I am just truly worried about him? Or, am I wanting to talk to him to make myself feel better because I feel like I hurt him?

I hope some of this mess that I typed makes sense to you guys. I would love to hear your opinions. And any thoughts and advice. Thank you so much for listening.

Sorry to hear about your parents.

Don't feel bad about the failed reconciliation, these things happen. It's called ghostly love syndrome - you momentarily think about all the good times you had with a past love, but forget the bad.... then, the bad things show up again when you get back together. because from a partner / romantic standpoint, people rarely change.

Plus, once you divorce because the love died, the love is gone forever.

But there is good news - you can find love again with another man. Also, you can find a date for your ex. When you guys are ready to date again. See, there is always a silver lining.

Where were you living before you moved in with the ex?

You gave it a shot. You were probably very fragile and vulnerable emotionally because of your parents' events. Don't beat yourself up about it. He got over you once; he'll do it again.

Thank you Gary. I sure hope it works out that way. We use to go out on dates together and our 2 of our past partners. I just love our friendship, or companionship. I would hate to lose that.

Sarah,

I was living with my dad, and helping him out. My oldest daughter, she’s 23, was my mom’s caregiver, so when she passed, my daughter moved to my dad’s to help. It just got crowded, and I’m a UPS driver, so I’m at work a lot too.

And, thank you so much. I’ll try to be nicer to myself. Sorry for being so whiny. I’m just so damn sad, and I’m just trying to figure it out so I can feel better.

Firstly, nice avatar lol :)

Secondly, your story could almost make a good film. 10 years and then back together. Wow!

And thirdly, yes you are just grieving the loss of a few things. Grieving is hard and sux but it is something we as humans go through unfortunately. It takes time so please be kind and patient with yourself...Stay healthy. Your body will need good sustenance to get through this.

As someone said above, your exH got through it before and will just have to do it again. I've never had an ex come back but I have read many times that the second breakup can be just as hard as the first....

I think that there's a good chance your friendship may resume, just not right now....

Carus*