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Being an adult is hard.


Mr.Mister

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I used to be extremely patient, relaxed, laid back, and never really got that angry. And, I was content with my life, but not happy. Then, I moved to Japan, met an amazing woman and I felt truly happy just being with her! Now, we are married, and being with my wife is wonderful and I love her so much.

 

But, nowadays, since we have a kid and I have a job that takes up almost all my time, we don't really get to hang out anymore; I don't have "me" time, she doesn't have "me" time, and we don't really have "us" time either. It's mostly a routine of: get up early, go to work, work hard all day, come home very late, do lots of household chores, go to bed really late, repeat.

 

I am extremely exhausted, and I have become easily frustrated, easy to irritate, and have lost most of my patience. It even surprises me sometimes, because something little will be enough to make me go " it" and give up, rather than just say "oh well" and keep going, like I used to.

 

I know life will get better eventually and I'll find a new job at some point. Also, I'm sure, as my child grows older, she'll be able to take care of herself a little more, and need my constant attention and everything less, which will give me more time. I get I just need to be patient and wait. But, as I said, my patience is very short now, and I am miserable.

 

Sometimes I feel, if I just left Japan and moved back to the States, I could get a job there easier, wouldn't have to deal with the terrible Japanese work culture, and wouldn't have to worry about all the household chores and all the stresses of home. But, I can't leave, because of my family. So, at least for now, I'm trapped here. I'll keep looking to a future, long from now, when I'll be able to have time again, and my wife will have some time again, and I/we can be happy again.

 

This is mostly a rant, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with stressful home and work life in the time being? Anyone in a similar situation?

 

Thanks for reading all this.

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Could you afford a babysitter or cleaning lady? Sound like you guys need some help. My parents were very busy when I was a child, I remember my dad being stressed and losing his patience easily. He never hit me, but I remember him wanting me to grow up fast so I don't 'bother' him all the time. You might want to work on that, I know it's hard, but children need attention.

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I know that when I was a Navy wife, we and other families were in the same boat. We were far from our hometowns and didn't have relatives to rely on for babysitting. We joined a scuba diving club where we would meet at the beach on a weekend for a barbecue. One group would go out diving while the other group watched your kids. When the other group went out on their dive, you watched their kids.

 

We also traded babysitting hours with other military couples we felt comfortable with, whom we met through this club.

 

I don't know if you have one or two days off, but that'd be time for you and your wife to find some sort of hobby or club where you can meet other parents of young children that will pan out like the one I was in.

 

Can you and your wife each choose a separate day where you each get solo time for a few hours? I don't know anything about your job, but maybe you can negotiate something with management for cutting down on your hours or leaving earlier at least one day a week. Would your wife ever be willing to move to the states since you don't like the work culture in Japan?

 

Being out in nature is one of the best stress relievers, so hiking and bicycling with your family might refresh you when you have a day off. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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You both just need to sit down and get organized with your time, and seek out some resources. You have family? dump that kid off at the grandparents for a weekend. Date night? I'm sure you can, at least one night a week, afford a babysitter. Japan has a great transit system, you could be anywhere in an hour, take advantage of that. You her the kid, meet up after work and go to a park, or out for dinner, etc.

I'm not a parent, but, I do understand the me time stuff. You both need to pick a night where one of you goes out, while the other stays home OR simply put that kid to bed early, light some candles, share a bubble bath and a bottle of wine.

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I'll keep looking to a future, long from now, when I'll be able to have time again, and my wife will have some time again, and I/we can be happy again

 

When I was in Cuba, one of the things that stood out most for me was the people and how happy they were... this even though many of them work thankless jobs, are very poor, and live in a country where everything is either rationed, very expensive or just flat out not available.... everyone was smiling, friendly, helpful, and kind... the energy was amazing!

 

My point being... you can choose to view your circumstances positively... and if you do, this will make a huge difference in your perception, energy levels and attitude. You can choose to empower yourself by doing things that bring you joy and relieve stress instead of running on the hamster wheel of never ending chores.

 

Life is short... think about what will matter 6 months from now, a year from now, on your deathbed. Is a sink full of dirty dishes or a pile of laundry going to make or break your relationship? No, but continued lack of sleep and taking each other for granted definitely will not only impact your relationships but eventually your overall physical and mental health.

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Sorry to hear this. Does your wife have family nearby who could babysit? What about friends. It sounds like some outside help to decompress would help.

 

No. She's from Japan, but up north, so her family is far away. Plus, most of them are either incompetent, too old, or too busy with their own children to really be much help anyway.

 

My family would love to watch our daughter, but we are on the other side of the world.

 

We don't really have any friends here either, except each other. My wife has some mom friends she met through the nursery school or whatever, but they are busy with their own children. Sometimes they can get together to chat, but usually it's a playdate for the kids at the same time, so they can't really "get away".

 

Could you afford a babysitter or cleaning lady? ...

 

Babysitters aren't really a thing in Japan, and neither are cleaning ladies. People often recommend we get a dishwasher, but our kitchen is so small that we can only fit a small one in it. Then, we'd be running it like constantly, because my wife uses a TON of dishes every day. So, just doing them all by hand is usually the best bet.

 

I know that when I was a Navy wife, we and other families were in the same boat.

 

Ha! Not sure if the pun was intentional, but still punny.

 

Can you and your wife each choose a separate day where you each get solo time for a few hours?

 

Well, I actually have one day of my weekend free, as I mentioned, whereas my wife has Fridays to herself while I'm at work and our kid is at nursery, so we do get solo time for ourselves sometimes. But, our solo time usually involves things we've been putting off all week and not anything relaxing.

 

I don't know anything about your job, but maybe you can negotiate something with management for cutting down on your hours or leaving earlier at least one day a week.

 

Don't know much about Japanese work culture, huh? Haha

 

Would your wife ever be willing to move to the states since you don't like the work culture in Japan?

 

Actually, we've been talking about moving to the States again in like 3-4 years, whenever our kid is ready to start school. We think a US school would probably be a better education. Plus, we'll have my family to help support us. But, right now, we are here.

 

... You both need to pick a night where one of you goes out, while the other stays home OR simply put that kid to bed early, light some candles, share a bubble bath and a bottle of wine.

 

Neither one of us drinks alcohol, but I understand what you are trying to say. I work all day, usually more on the 2nd shift kind of hours than 1st shift, though I often start early. For example, I might start work at 9am and work until 9pm, and I have like an hour commute both ways, so waking up at like 7:30am to be there by 9 and then getting home at like 10pm, just to eat supper and get ready for bed.

 

At the same time, my wife wakes up really early, like at 6am everyday, takes the kid to nursery school and only works until like 3pm or something. Her job is very lenient about her needing to take time off for the kid or whatever, but she pretty much has to do like 90% of the work when it comes to our daughter. I feel bad, but that's how it works in Japan.

 

Is a sink full of dirty dishes or a pile of laundry going to make or break your relationship? No, but continued lack of sleep and taking each other for granted definitely will not only impact your relationships but eventually your overall physical and mental health.

 

If the dishes are left dirty in the sink when my wife gets up, she will be furious. If that keeps happening, it would not be at all good for our relationship. I actually think our relationship is pretty good right now, because we try to support each other as much as possible. Like, I do the dishes every night and she does the laundry. And, on days we have time to ourselves, we do as much as we can alone, to help the other when they eventually get home from work. It's just difficult right now. I'm sure it'll get better some day.

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Actually, we've been talking about moving to the States again in like 3-4 years, whenever our kid is ready to start school. We think a US school would probably be a better education. Plus, we'll have my family to help support us. But, right now, we are here.

Why wait? What is preventing you from seeking employment in the states and moving sooner?

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Well...the ongoing lack of sleep and exhaustion is going to break your marriage and you personally, both mentally and physically.

 

If your wife has such lenient hours, then there is no reason you need to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. On that note, there is absolutely no reason to function in such an inefficient way in terms of cooking, dishes, etc. There is also this - when she finds herself cleaning her own mess, she'll get motivated really fast to become more efficient. When she has you coming home to do it for her, quite frankly she has zero motivation to change for the better. You are working 12hr days, she is not. Housework falling on her shoulders is also part of the culture and you can't continue to carry on as is, inserting different values into a system like this or it will end in disaster.

 

Bottom line is that you both need to stop making excuses and rethink how you are living on day to day basis and what can be changed for the better because carrying on as is will end in divorce court.

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How old is your child and when does your child go to bed at night? What are all these chores you have to do each single night?

Usually my daughter is in bed by 8, sometimes a bit later. After that my fiance and I have date nights at home, sit on the porch with a glass of wine and chat or watch a movie. We didn't have a dishwasher for the longest time either and we'd switch who did dishes each night, while the other was playing with our daughter. Laundry we'd do on weekends. We both work full time. I'm trying to understand here why you have literally 0 time to yourself... Also we have no family nearby at all.

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How old is your child and when does your child go to bed at night? What are all these chores you have to do each single night?

Usually my daughter is in bed by 8, sometimes a bit later. After that my fiance and I have date nights at home, sit on the porch with a glass of wine and chat or watch a movie. We didn't have a dishwasher for the longest time either and we'd switch who did dishes each night, while the other was playing with our daughter. Laundry we'd do on weekends. We both work full time. I'm trying to understand here why you have literally 0 time to yourself... Also we have no family nearby at all.

 

Our son is in bed around 8 too. Then I clean up and prep for the next day if it's a school night but typically between 9:30-10:15 I sit down with a book - we have the TV on and he is getting work done but we also chat - sometimes deep stuff, sometimes fun stuff, or a combo. It's nice. We don't have enough romantic time the last few months because of his job change mostly but that will change I hope. We do always hug and kiss goodnight, etc (we sleep at different times -night owl (him); morning person (me).

 

So we have no family around either, we've only done sitters a few times because I a former social butterfly at night am too tired to go out at night and don't want to eat a large meal, etc. Sometimes we have day dates. We do have a twice monthly cleaning person and I only work part time. I do get me time -not quite enough -but I exercise every day and get to eat at least one meal alone most days. My husband travels a lot so I do a lot of solo parenting. I can relate to the sleep deprivation/adulting but I agree with the others that it takes planning to find that time for yourselves and together. I have met a lot of people in my newer city -moved 800 miles away from where I grew up (a major city i lived in for 43 years) about ten years ago as a newlywed and new mom. I don't have a ton of mom friends but I make a real effort to meet people and I highly recommend you and your wife do the same -including doing volunteer work.

 

Good luck!

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I used to be extremely patient, relaxed, laid back, and never really got that angry. And, I was content with my life, but not happy. Then, I moved to Japan, met an amazing woman and I felt truly happy just being with her! Now, we are married, and being with my wife is wonderful and I love her so much.

 

But, nowadays, since we have a kid and I have a job that takes up almost all my time, we don't really get to hang out anymore; I don't have "me" time, she doesn't have "me" time, and we don't really have "us" time either. It's mostly a routine of: get up early, go to work, work hard all day, come home very late, do lots of household chores, go to bed really late, repeat.

 

I am extremely exhausted, and I have become easily frustrated, easy to irritate, and have lost most of my patience. It even surprises me sometimes, because something little will be enough to make me go " it" and give up, rather than just say "oh well" and keep going, like I used to.

 

I know life will get better eventually and I'll find a new job at some point. Also, I'm sure, as my child grows older, she'll be able to take care of herself a little more, and need my constant attention and everything less, which will give me more time. I get I just need to be patient and wait. But, as I said, my patience is very short now, and I am miserable.

 

Sometimes I feel, if I just left Japan and moved back to the States, I could get a job there easier, wouldn't have to deal with the terrible Japanese work culture, and wouldn't have to worry about all the household chores and all the stresses of home. But, I can't leave, because of my family. So, at least for now, I'm trapped here. I'll keep looking to a future, long from now, when I'll be able to have time again, and my wife will have some time again, and I/we can be happy again.

 

This is mostly a rant, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with stressful home and work life in the time being? Anyone in a similar situation?

 

Thanks for reading all this.

 

...Said every parent ever...

 

My free time involves me eating lunch at work going to this forum. It gets easier when they get older. It's wash, rinse, and repeat. Scream in your car on your drive home; it helps to let off some steam. My husband hides in the bathroom for 20+ a few times when home, and I know he's reading. It's impossible to have small kids and ample "free time" on your hands. It's not easier in the States. But trust me, it does get better.

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Why wait? What is preventing you from seeking employment in the states and moving sooner?

 

Seriously.

I'd urge you to read back over all the threads you've started about being miserable since your child has been born.

Go back to the States. Get into some therapy. Start a job that is less hours. Put the kid in daycare, get your wife to get a full time job too. Use protection or get a vasectomy - you aren't in any mental or physical state to bring a second child into this.

 

I think you are depressed. Beyond normal ' it's hard being an adult '. You keep ignoring it and hoping it will go away. It's not going away.

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If you plan to move to the states in 3-4 years, keep your eyes on the prize.

 

buy a dishwasher. even if its small, needs to be run every other day or every day it will cut down on washing time, For now use the time doing dishes as a time to listen to a podcast, have a conversation with your wife about the day and her day, or mentally unwind.

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Why wait? What is preventing you from seeking employment in the states and moving sooner?

 

We want to have a second child, so our daughter can have a sibling. The Japanese healthcare system not only makes childbirth cheaper, it is extremely subsidized; they pretty much pay for everything.

 

Also, my wife gets an extremely long maternity leave; with our first daughter, she took a two year maternity leave. She got paid half her salary every two months during that time as well.

 

Healthcare here for me is also very nice. I have a pre-existing condition, so it cost me like $500/month for insurance in America. Here: around $150/month. Plus, the subsidy program for my medication in the States would only cover the meds. Subsidy here covers the hospital visits, MRIs, etc.

 

So, until we know what's going to happen over there politically, we are also hesitant to return. Let's wait and see who's president in 2020. Trump has been trying to destroy healthcare for people like me, so that's not good.

 

Well...the ongoing lack of sleep and exhaustion is going to break your marriage and you personally, both mentally and physically.

 

I am looking for a different job, but this is kind of how jobs are here. That's why I'm thinking about working from home with an American company. I have friends back home that do medical stuff from home and get decent money. Most of what I've found so far is ultra competitive, hard to get projects, and/or doesn't pay well. Maybe I need to go back to school or something...

 

If your wife has such lenient hours, then there is no reason you need to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. ...

 

She has a very hard time taking care of our daughter and doing all the housework. She is working 24/7 (with work and the kid), so my 12 hours is nothing. Plus, she does do the dishes from lunch so she can make dinner. She often cooks for me, so I can do the dishes. It mostly takes forever because we live in a tiny Japanese apartment. It feels like I'm doing dishes in a Hobbit hole. Haha

 

Bottom line is that you both need to stop making excuses and rethink how you are living on day to day basis and what can be changed for the better because carrying on as is will end in divorce court.

 

Our relationship is actually very strong and we are happy to have each other during this tough times, so I'm not even going to worry about divorce.

 

How old is your child and when does your child go to bed at night?

 

She just turned 2 years old and my wife tries to get her in bed by 9:00, but our daughter always fights her. Some nights she won't calm down and will cry and fuss until 10 or 11, though she'll be in her bed by 9.

 

What are all these chores you have to do each single night?

 

My wife is an amazing chef, and she happily makes food for our daughter, herself, and me. However, when she cooks, she dirties up like everything in the kitchen; there are an hour's worth of dishes to do every night. And that's just one meals worth of dishes, as she washes the dishes from breakfast and lunch.

 

The reason it takes so long is mostly because of the apartment's kitchen, not due to how many dishes, though that is a factor. I bet I could do them in like 15-30 minutes in America, but here, our kitchen is so small that I have to find a place to stack everything and clean out the sink so I can use it. We don't really have counter space, so it's hard to find room for all the dishes. It's fine.

 

Dishwashers here are tiny, like a breadbox, and they sit on the counter, which we don't really have much of. So, it would take maybe 4 loads in the dishwasher to do one meal's worth of dishes. Everyday.

 

... After that my fiance and I have date nights at home, sit on the porch with a glass of wine and chat or watch a movie.

 

Sometimes we can watch a movie or something, but that usually requires us both to stay up late at night, and we both are falling asleep so early. My wife wakes up early and goes to bed around the time I get home from work, then I'm tasked with doing my portion of the dishes, sometimes hanging the laundry (no driers in Japan), etc., so I go to bed late.

 

I'll reply to more later when I have time.

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"We want to have a second child, so our daughter can have a sibling. The Japanese healthcare system not only makes childbirth cheaper, it is extremely subsidized; they pretty much pay for everything.

 

Also, my wife gets an extremely long maternity leave; with our first daughter, she took a two year maternity leave. She got paid half her salary every two months during that time as well."

 

So that's the upside -that does give you that time, much more than in the States - (I don't relate to having another child in your situation just so that your child can have a sibling -that's assuming they will get along, etc and you are already so busy right???)

 

If no dishwasher invest in paper plates/disposable. I grew up without a dishwasher and my mother still doesn't have one -lived in that apartment since the 1960s -two kids grew up there. I remember my mother mainly did the dishes but we'd sit in the kitchen and chat with her, etc. Tiny kitchen.

 

I get that she's an amazing chef. Either have her cook in bulk and freeze leftovers (so less of the pots/pans etc dishes) or do take out more often.

 

Tell her not to cook for you. You cook/prepare for yourself since apparently you don't dirty the kitchen as much. Often I have a simple sandwich for dinner, or pasta with vegetables and cheese -the pasta I've boiled in advance, veggies already steamed, heat up in microwave. No need to do elaborate home cooked meals if it takes that long to clean up -not every night.

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Healthcare here for me is also very nice. I have a pre-existing condition, so it cost me like $500/month for insurance in America. Here: around $150/month. Plus, the subsidy program for my medication in the States would only cover the meds. Subsidy here covers the hospital visits, MRIs, etc.

 

So, until we know what's going to happen over there politically, we are also hesitant to return. Let's wait and see who's president in 2020. Trump has been trying to destroy healthcare for people like me, so that's not good.

 

But its all relative -- you don't know if your health premium is $500 because you don't know where you will work - every company offers different plans. And if you make way more money and the cost of living is lower, I would gladly pay $500 if i was making signifcantly more a month/and or had better work/live balance that keeps me out of the hospital - stress puts one in. If your condition is high blood pressure or something, your lifestyle doesn't help it

 

A change in president (if it changes) will not change your health premiums in the short term because the president doesn't decide health premiums. In fact, our health insurance skyrocketed because of Obamacare, not anything Trump did. it has not gone up in the past few years. It spiked back then, and has come down a tiny bit because the employer tried to be more competitive with offerings.

 

Sure, the maternity leave is nice, but are you both happy? If you make enough on your salary and she can take on a part time job or part time freelance to stay fresh in her field starting when the baby is 1 because she wants to and have relatives watch the kid, that may be just as well as having the 1/2 paid time. Is she allowed to work in the US? Is it better that she secures a job first or will she be restricted for the first year or so to work? If she is restricted, then it makes sense to have the baby after you move because she will be waiting to be able to work anyhow.

 

She is not pregnant yet, so you are looking at being in Japan maybe another 3 years if she gets pregnant tomorrow and if it takes awhile to get pregnant, maybe 3-7. Its also less complicated for the child if the child is born in the US to an American father than if they are born in Japan. your daughter

 

All stuff to consider. Not all of our timelines always work. And if you moved, you would have family to love on those kids. Her family doesn't see them much in Japan. If they were lose by, it would be different.

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