I want to propose but I have doubts

Hi all,

I was on here years and years ago and have been thinking how much it helped last time. I’ve been in a 4 year long, long distance relationship with a lovely woman. She is kind, gentle, incredibly patient, loving, generous, and sincere. The doubt throughout the years has been that I don’t find her as attractive as I do so many others. It makes me feel terrible thinking about it but I can’t deny it. I bought a ring but I am having doubts because of this. I don’t think it’s fair for her but I also wonder if the feelings will change once we’re together. She is amazing and sometimes o feel like I’m being dumb, that I have an unhealthy mindset and it’s not reality, and I’ve gotten myself in knots in my head. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Take the ring back . You’re not ready .

Hi all,

 

I was on here years and years ago and have been thinking how much it helped last time. I’ve been in a 4 year long, long distance relationship with a lovely woman. She is kind, gentle, incredibly patient, loving, generous, and sincere. The doubt throughout the years has been that I don’t find her as attractive as I do so many others. It makes me feel terrible thinking about it but I can’t deny it. I bought a ring but I am having doubts because of this. I don’t think it’s fair for her but I also wonder if the feelings will change once we’re together. She is amazing and sometimes o feel like I’m being dumb, that I have an unhealthy mindset and it’s not reality, and I’ve gotten myself in knots in my head. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

How long were you in the relationship before it became long distance?

How frequently do you see each other in person?

I would say that if you havent warmed up to her looks after 4 years , then you never will .

We were in a relationship for about 6 months, and see each other for a week every 3 months...

...We were in a relationship for about 6 months, and see each other for a week every 3 months...

...We were in a relationship for about 6 months, and see each other for a week every 3 months...

If you propose, who is going to move?

She would to me from overseas

She would to me from overseas

Any reason why she can't move now? Or will she only move if there's a promise of marriage?

I think you would be best served living together first before getting married.

Any reason why she can't move now? Or will she only move if there's a promise of marriage?

She’s moving from another country, so really the only way she would move is if we were on the way to marriage.

So by my (very rough) calculations, you two have spend less than a year in each other's actual physical presence. Some would say you've only "really" dated for a year.

Is that enough to know if you want to be with someone forever? Only you know for sure.

Why would you date anyone you don't find attractive? I don't understand why you did this....

I think you can look at someone objectively and think “he’s not the best looking/guy girl in the world but there mine and I love how they look”. I feel like if you really loved her wouldn’t you like the way she looked?

Personally, if I knew my bf looked at me and thought, "Meh," I would rather he break up with me so I could meet a guy who who loves looking at me with a glimmer of desire in his eyes.

There have been guys who have been so kind and I assumed they'd make great bf's, but I lacked the chemistry I wished I'd had for them. What you have is a friendship, and it doesn't translate to the lifetime romantic partnership everyone deserves. That special spark should be there. That's a big sacrifice for yourself when you have only one life to live on this planet, unless reincarnation exists.

Personally, if I knew my bf looked at me and thought, "Meh," I would rather he break up with me so I could meet a guy who who loves looking at me with a glimmer of desire in his eyes.

 

There have been guys who have been so kind and I assumed they'd make great bf's, but I lacked the chemistry I wished I'd had for them. What you have is a friendship, and it doesn't translate to the lifetime romantic partnership everyone deserves. That special spark should be there. That's a big sacrifice for yourself when you have only one life to live on this planet, unless reincarnation exists.

That is very well put!

Personally, if I knew my bf looked at me and thought, "Meh," I would rather he break up with me so I could meet a guy who who loves looking at me with a glimmer of desire in his eyes.

 

There have been guys who have been so kind and I assumed they'd make great bf's, but I lacked the chemistry I wished I'd had for them. What you have is a friendship, and it doesn't translate to the lifetime romantic partnership everyone deserves. That special spark should be there. That's a big sacrifice for yourself when you have only one life to live on this planet, unless reincarnation exists.

Thank you. You’re right, what we have is a friendship. A close amazing friendship that brings out the best in both of us, something I wish we could keep building and see where it leads. There isn’t the anticipation of her touch, the strong desire to be intimate. I know that’s important, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t feel this way, but it also just doesn’t feel good. I’m tying myself in knots because I want so bad to be sexually attracted to her and live happily ever after. I’m so damn afraid of losing her but I don’t want to drag this on any longer, it’s not fair for her. But I do sincerely love her and I wish so much I felt different. I’m getting on a plane to see her in 2 days.

Thank you. You’re right, what we have is a friendship. A close amazing friendship that brings out the best in both of us, something I wish we could keep building and see where it leads. There isn’t the anticipation of her touch, the strong desire to be intimate. I know that’s important, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t feel this way, but it also just doesn’t feel good. I’m tying myself in knots because I want so bad to be sexually attracted to her and live happily ever after. I’m so damn afraid of losing her but I don’t want to drag this on any longer, it’s not fair for her. But I do sincerely love her and I wish so much I felt different. I’m getting on a plane to see her in 2 days.

Ummm well up to you of course but if you're not sexually attracted to her then it does just mean you like her only as a friend. You've had enough time with her to know if you are physically into her or not. To marry someone you have to love them romantically, no? I love my close friends but I'm not "in love" with them. There's a difference.

You've said that she would move to your country, so she'd be giving up everything she knows and has at home to marry a man who doesn't find her attractive. You need to do the right thing because that's not fair on her, is it.

You said you are not really physically attracted to her... But how would you rate yourself in the looks department?

You said you are not really physically attracted to her... But how would you rate yourself in the looks department?

I do not see why that is relevant.

People want to be physically attracted to their partners, whether they themselves are physically attractive or not.

I’ve been in a 4 year long, long distance relationship with a lovely woman. She is kind, gentle, incredibly patient, loving, generous, and sincere. The doubt throughout the years has been that I don’t find her as attractive as I do so many others.

Is this the ex from 2013?

I only ask because that relationship ended due to straying so I’m wondering if there is any correlation.

I can’t see how one would even consider marriage if not physically attracted to their partner. Unless you plan to have a celibate marriage, how do you think the non-physical attraction will affect the two of you from connecting sexually?

It's normal to have doubts about staying together with your lover in the first 18 months.

However, if it's happening after 4 years, she's not the one.

And the fact that it's a long distance relationship can confuse things also.

You said you are not really physically attracted to her... But how would you rate yourself in the looks department?

I do not see why that is relevant.

 

People want to be physically attracted to their partners, whether they themselves are physically attractive or not.

LOL yes because every unattractive man is entitled to a perfect 10 supermodel.

I guess I don't understand this: "I don’t find her as attractive as I do so many others." There are always going to be people more conventionally attractive out there, does that mean that every time you find one of these you dump your current partner to pursue that?

Most of us have ended up in a relationship at one time or another that doesn't work for us. It's not a catastrophe unless you don't heed your own gut. I'd take the ring back and stop stringing the woman along. You will thank yourself later.