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Thread: Advice needed please.

  1. #1
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    Advice needed please.

    Met a girl in 2016. We started dating. We had a good connection. I completely and utterly fell in love with her. I should say I do suffer a lot with confidence and self esteem but she helped a lot with that and she would remind me how much she loved me.

    I suffered a lot with jealousy because we had some issues before we actually got together. Her ex was bothering her and I would from time to time still think that they were communicating behind my back and it would cause a few arguments here and there.

    Besides from that issue, everything was going really well. She said I was her everything. She said she wanted to spend her life with me and we were in process of looking for a place together. We had just returned from a 2 week holiday. A few days after, I for my own stupid reason started to get jealous and sometimes I just cant control it. I assumed she was talking to him.

    I went quiet instead of talking it through with her like she said I should if I start to feel like that. Anyway, we didn't talk for a few weeks but I finally text to say, i want to sort this out and how much I miss and love her and let's continue in moving towards what we want. But she replied saying she can't do this anymore. That it's over. I begged and pleaded by text as she wouldnt have a call. I told her what she means to me and that I want what we had planned and to give me a chance to prove it can work. When she eventually did reply, she said no. She finally agreed to a call and again I broke down and pleaded. She showed no emotion. Was very cold. I didnt know why she could just be like that and walk away so easily after 3 years. It's not like I cheated or murdered anyone.

    I told her there has to be a reason for it. She cant just go from saying I am her everything and wanting to spend her life with me to this. Initially she said she wanted space on her own. But towards the end of the call she did say she got with a guy from work who is married with 2 kids. She said it wasn't going well with him and his wife. So unlike her. I guess during the time we didn't speak she must have got with him. Some people said she may have just made him up to make it easier to push me away as she didn't admit it initially after I was saying there has to be someone else. I don't know. I don't know if he still lives with his wife or they live apart. I was crushed hearing it and completely broke down. Her last words to me as it got late "We will talk later"

    The next day, I immediately went into no contact. Havent contacted her once since that call. It's been 4 and half months now since we spoke. She chose to walk away. She chose to end it. Chose to walk into arms of another guy. Don't know if you consider that a rebound or not. I am struggling badly. I just hope she will realise what we had and reach out and maybe "fight for me" but obviously that is unlikely. I love her and miss her so much and cant stop thinking about her. Last 4 months have been torture and I wonder do you think she will ever reach out. 3 year relationship. Surely she must think of me. Has lots of stuff that would remind her of me that I have got her over the years. Surely she cant just move on like that.

    I am so pathetic. Crying a lot and can't get her out of my head at all. So pathetic. For me, its getting worse with time. Came across videos about NC. I know I should have walked away and not begged and pleaded but I am now nearly 4 months NC so that is good that I managed that. Our relationship was very good besides those few moments so I dont understand why she would give up so easily.

    I have no idea how she is doing at all. I don't have social media and I havent seen her once in 4 months. I just wish I knew how she was. She could be afraid to reach out after how she ended it and may think I dont want to talk. Or she may think that texting me will only set me back. Probably wants to know how i am but thinking it's best to stay away. Maybe that is her way of caring. Because she did care a lot for me. Just afraid that maybe she is wating for me to be in a better place and wating for me to reach out. For all I know, she could be suffering too. Unlikely but you never know. Just hate to think I am forgotten. Love her with all my heart.

    And with the holidays coming up, I wonder if she will even reach out for that. I know it's been a long time since we spoke but some people say that in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't that long. I am keeping myself busy and stuff and focusing on me but it's just the fact no matter what I do, I cant get her out of my head. I just don't know when is the point when I should realise she will never reach out. I miss her so much and can never stop loving her. Just hate to think after everything that I can be so easily disposed of.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Sorry, you're hurting, LonelyGuy. Have you been to your doctor to maybe get something mild to help with your anxiety over the breakup? If you haven't, then I suggest you do that and maybe inquire about getting a referral to a psychologist so you can talk about your jealousy issues and to help you process the break up.

    Did she give you reason to be jealous or were you just not trusting of her for no apparent reason?

  3. #3
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Sorry, you're hurting, LonelyGuy. Have you been to your doctor to maybe get something mild to help with your anxiety over the breakup? If you haven't, then I suggest you do that and maybe inquire about getting a referral to a psychologist so you can talk about your jealousy issues and to help you process the break up.

    Did she give you reason to be jealous or were you just not trusting of her for no apparent reason?
    Beautiful advice, it's something who can take the time to get to know what's behind making you feel the way you do, and help you get in touch with tools to help you get better

  4. #4
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    I went quiet instead of talking it through with her like she said I should if I start to feel like that. Anyway, we didn't talk for a few weeks
    ^^^ That is kind of worrying lonelyguy , you had another row about your jealousy regarding her ex and as much as you went quiet on her for a few weeks , she reciprocated and it would seem she really had just had enough . It is odd for you both to be so in love and just ignore each other for a few weeks , I feel like there is a bit missing .

    Anyway , I am sorry you are hurting so much , believe me when I say we all know how painful this is and I second TWT with advising you get a little help . Jealousy will ruin you, it is like poison running through you and will be a hinderance throughout your life . You will get through this buddy .

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  6. #5
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    Why donít you just reach out and see how she reacts?

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    Jealousy is a normal emotion but we need to try to control our negative emotions. You need to trust your partner unless you see evidence that something is going on. You shouldn't just be jealous and suspect when you have no reason for it. I'm sorry you're hurting but being accused too many times for no reason does get old. Also you got jealous and you ignored her for a few weeks??! If she did nothing wrong then can you see it actually makes YOU look like a jerk? How can you ignore your girlfriend of three years for many weeks? I can see it from her point of view. She would have been really confused and hurt why you did this. Unfortunately I think there's not much you can do now except learn a lesson from this. Your ex said many times that she doesn't want you back and she's with another guy.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Ya... another Married guy. Doesn't say much for her, really. Concentrate on the negative, op and perhaps it will get you to stop having wishful thinkings that she will come back to you. If she willingly got with a married man then she's got some issues that she needs to deal with that you would be better off keeping yourself away from. Was her interaction with this guy the reason you were feeling jealous?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You are probably better off - a girlfriend who has a stalker ex is trouble. Find someone who has less problems.

  10. #9
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    Thanks for your replies. It means a lot because I am struggling. I know it's probably too late but I still harbour hopes that she may reach out because I miss her immensely and I will never love anybody the way i do her. It wouldn't matter to me how many problems she has, it doesn't change how i feel about her. Love her beyond words and I just wish she would reach out. Not to even ask how I am hurts more than ever. Just a crap feeling to think she has probably just completely forgotten me.

    There was a weird situation that went on to cause the jealousy. She was in a LDR with some guy before we got together. She wanted to end it because we were getting close (I didn't do anything with her while she was with him) but she had a trip booked away to see him. She told me during that trip she was going to end it because she wanted to be with me. I later found out that while she said she ended it with him, she in fact slept with him whilst on that trip making out she was only going away to finish things with him. Then after she did actually finish with him, she kept in touch with him for a while because she felt bad and wanted to help him through it. She did eventually block him and even showed me to prove it to me and she admitted she made many mistakes but that she knew what she wanted and that she loved me more than anything. I knew at that time he was trying to get her back and saying bad things about me all it just got to me that she would still talk to him knowing how it made me feel.

    Anyway, once she stopped talking to him, things did go very well between us but every now and then things that would look slightly out of place, I would get jealous about and it all started from that. Now I know that it is hard for her if I get like that and she has not done anything. I just go quiet and I know I need to work on that because all that was the past and while we were together I have no reason to believe she has been unfaithful or anything. I am a really good guy and I did treat her so well. Like a princess and I was there for her and gave her my heart.

    She was saying she wanted to spend her life with me and that we are strong and how much she loved me and I know we didn't speak for a while but it was both of us. I regret how I acted at that time and I just wish I could get a chance to show how much it can work because I love her with all my heart.

    Another poster said, why don't I just reach out and ask how she is. I wanted to and came close so many times as I think about her so much every single day but I have watched and listened to videos about No Contact and it says I need to just disappear and let them reach out because she is the one who dumped me. I want to hear from her more than anything but it needs to be her to reach out. I dont think it will happen but was told never to reach out because I begged and pleaded and she just walked away. I know dumpers who have reached out but I don't know when is long enough to just know it's not looking likely she will reach out. I just don't like thinking she has forgotten me and I will always love her and would love a chance to show how much we can make it work.

  11. #10
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    Yep, your last paragraph there. Any significant relationship leaves most of us feeling that way.
    We sometimes think back about that person for months and even years. The pain gets less and less the more time that goes by. But, you have to help it along a little.
    You have made nueral connections, and emotional connections to her. Every time you think about her and let yourself go that way, it reinforces those connections. It's like an addiction.
    You really have to train yourself not to do it.
    What do we know for sure? That the reasons for the breakup are there, however they seem to you now, it happened
    However bad you want it to be different, it isn't.
    You aren't letting something die that's dead already.
    If you really think reaching out to her, again will change anything, besides you getting hurt by trying - then do it. It's your life.
    My experience has been that when I go back on a decision like that, it can never be what it was, and it hurts even more later.

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