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Should I reach out or just cut my losses?


MarahVilla

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Gonna try to keep this as short but detailed as possible. I dated this guy last year for 3-4 months & things were GREAT... until they weren't. Towards the end he started getting distant &inconsistent. He would ignore me, but post pics of him out & about. I asked him what was going on & he stated he had no time for anything other than work & that I was on the back burner. I felt horrible so I blocked him, erased his number &did my best to move on.

 

NOW: I felt ready & tried to get back out there again so I downloaded tinder. & who do I see on there? Yup, him. Curiosity got the best of me so I swiped & we matched. It was followed by just basic chitchat & basically saying he regrets how things ended, that he's thought about me a lot & that he wants to SHOW me the kind of man he can be & that he would like to talk things out in person. I tell him I can't do the inconsistent thing this time, but agree to talk to him.

 

The first couple days, it was nice to catch up. I asked to meet up on Sunday, but the day comes & he texts me to say he won't be able to make it. I was disappointed, but figured he would try to reschedule? The rest of Sunday and Monday he keeps texting me as if everything was ok, with no mentions of our much needed talk.

 

Tuesday I let him know I couldnt keep acting like things were ok. I let him know how much it hurt me what he did last year & that I really needed to get things off my chest before we could move forward, but it didn't seem like this talk was a priority. He said he understood & he did apologize & say he was bummed he wouldn't get to take me to dinner.

 

I told him I didn't mean that I didn't want to continue, but rather I just really needed this talk to happen. But its Sunday now, no texts, no calls from him. A year ago I was feeling crummy & I'm feeling the same way now. I dont get why he would even message me. we are back to the inconsistency, back to the no communication. I really cared about him and still do, but I'm just so confused.

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I’d say it’s time to move forward, not backward, certainly not toward a man who used the phrase “back burner” to describe you. While timing is real in terms of compatibility, so is kindness. That’s just unkind, the sort of thing to stay away from.

 

You gave it a go, licked your wounds, are ready to meet new people. I say meet new people and let this guy go, for real. Only way you can really connect to him is to disrespect yourself—not a great dynamic.

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Anyone who you already know is like this is a definite swipe left.🤡 Don't waste time on bozos like this, he'll do the same thing to you again. Now block/delete him and swipe right on better prospects.

he had no time for anything other than work & that I was on the back burner.

 

I felt ready & tried to get back out there again so I downloaded tinder. & who do I see on there? Yup, him. Curiosity got the best of me so I swiped & we matched. It was followed by just basic chitchat & basically saying he regrets how things ended.

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"Wants to "take things slow"

So I met this guy. First date was beyond amazing. The few weeks after that were pretty amazing too. Everything was consistent. We talked constantly, planned outings, saw each other a few times a week and even introduced me to some of his friends. During a conversation about past bs we had to deal with, he brings up that he wants to take things slow with me. That's fine, I want to as well. At first we did stop talking and going out as much. He apologized for being distant and invited me out on a double date. It was fun, hes a great guy, but after that date, still our contact with each other was very weak. I would try to reach out, but could not keep a conversation going with him. Now it seems he only hits me up for me to go over to his place. Twice this week to be exact and once was to hang out with his friends. I turned down both times with some lame excuse, but I'm thinking maybe I should tell him how I feel. I really enjoy his company and feel myself falling for him, but this inconsistency is tough. It's like hes sending me mixed signals. I have a hard time saying how I feel. I usually just keep my feelings to myself and "go with the flow" which is a bad habit I'm working on unlearning! I just dont know how to go about it without seeming "needy." I'm not asking him for us to be bf/gf but I would like to at least know where I stand with him. If he wants to take things slow, I dont think it's fair I'm meeting his friends and hes not putting in effort to meet mind. If he wants something more serious, then I need consistency. I'm making myself crazy dwelling on all this inside my head!!!!"

 

Less than two months in, and he was showing you that you were not a priority and more of a booty call. You have wasted a year of your life pining for someone who did not treat you well. This is NOT a great guy!

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It's time to let go of this guy for good, girl.

 

He might have been up for some casual fun, but evidently nothing more serious. That talk you want to have isn't going to happen and he doesn't take this anywhere near as seriously as you do.

 

It hurts to feel rejected, but that's why you need to extricate yourself from his life completely. You tried, and it didn't work out this time around either. Next!

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No need to go nuclear per se and let him go for good (although most of us agree you should.) Easier said than done though for even the strongest.

 

As a practical matter stop contacting him. He needs to do all the work at this point. All should do is respond if he reaches out.

 

I know its easy to write this and so much harder to do it.

 

All the best. We all feel for you. We have all been heartbroken and I know it sucks. I won’t say you will feel better right now, but you are not alone. Don’t cut your loses on love as a whole.

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Cut your losses.

 

Some men simply aren't the type to engage in empathetic conversations with you. They're very selfish, shallow and narrow minded. It's as if they have bad ADD (attention deficit disorder) in their brains and they'll simply never see eye to eye with you so forget it. It's like beating a dead horse. You will get nowhere with them. They have feelings of total and complete indifference as long as the world doesn't revolve around them. It's nothing new.

 

Your guy is unreliable and undependable. In other words, he's a flake.

 

Don't be confused anymore. Cut him off and consider him history. Move on. You deserve better.

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Thank you everyone for the reality check. I havent messaged him since then and I actually erased his number also. I thought it would make me feel better to get things off my chest, but I dont think it will happen, at least not in the way I want to. I dont know why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He gave me some lame excuse (he caught feelings and got scared) and I just wanted to believe it because I cared. I would say I wish he never messaged me again, but really I wish I never replied. A year ago he left me feeling crummy and I'm right there again smh.

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I blocked him on all social media last year and havent unblocked him since. I will not be able to block his number unless he messages me again. All in all. thank you all for listening. I swear it felt like I was losing my sanity. It just made no sense to me why he would even bother me after all yhis to end up in the same place and when I was doing just fine on my own! Idk how to regain what's left of my dignity from this.

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It just made no sense to me why he would even bother me after all yhis

 

Honestly, he probably is having a dry spell in his love life and thought he'd see if you were still interested. It turned out to be more than he wanted to give, in terms of having a serious talk and being held accountable, so he has opted out again.

 

However, you haven't lost your dignity. He doesn't have that much power, does he? You replied, and sincerely tried to give it a go. That doesn't mean you handed over all your dignity in the process. Simply learn from this and keep him out of your life so he can't act as the barometer of your self-worth. And when a man like from your past pops back up in your life, don't re-engage.

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He didn't contact you, you became curious. Keep him blocked on social media including dating apps and don't try to "match" or engage him. The trick is to not let yourself get this bored or lonely so that nostalgia starts seeping in again.

Yup, him. Curiosity got the best of me so I swiped & we matched. It was followed by just basic chitchat .
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I blocked him on all social media last year and havent unblocked him since. I will not be able to block his number unless he messages me again. All in all. thank you all for listening. I swear it felt like I was losing my sanity. It just made no sense to me why he would even bother me after all yhis to end up in the same place and when I was doing just fine on my own! Idk how to regain what's left of my dignity from this.

 

We have all been there.

 

You regain your dignity by learning from the experience. Also, don't put so much weight into someone you dated a few months.this was a blip in your life- this guy wa not treating yo well after only two months. You can choose to hold on, or put it out of your mind. Don't dramatize.he is not important.

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I totally relate to your experiences and can totally empathize. After things went so well the first time (at first), of course you clung to that when reaching out the second time. Maybe he's ready this time; maybe he was just in a bad spot...maybe. And he pulls the same crap he pulled on you the first time, even after showering you with words of sorry, "I wish," and he will do right by you this time, and *thunk*, he does it again. It hurts, and it hurts worse because not only were you clinging to those great times, but you went and plopped yourself right back into the fantasy...and the mess...again, and you feel stupid and used.

 

BTDT, got the T-shirt, as they say.

 

You tried, and I can't fault you for trying. Now you can put this behind you and move on for good. Part of moving on is knowing that you did everything in your power to make it work, so that you can look back and not regret that "what if." You explored the "what if" and got the same results, and there probably is not, and will never be, another path. It hurts, but now it's done.

 

Your choices now are...if he reaches out, you can meet up just because you enjoy his company and casually spend time (don't sleep with him), and continue your life until he comes back around sniffing again -or- don't respond or entertain him again.

 

You tried, twice, and it's done now. No need for round three.

 

You are now armed with some experience and boundaries for the next guy.

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