She won't give up...

Jane has booked flights to come to see me in Singapore next month. *sigh*

I have never initiated contact since the break up, and avoided giving her any encouragement or hope for reconciliation. I've even told her that I am dating other people. But she has still booked nonrefundable flights and hotel to come see me.

I've told her not to come, or to come with a friend, but she says all her friends have already used their annual leave... I've told her that she should cut her losses and not come by herself, because it will be a very sad trip for her... but she says she hopes that I will spare at least a few days for her, given that she is flying so far to see me. She is in denial. What on earth can I do? If she does come, surely it would be too heartless to completely refuse to meet her? But if I do, it's going to give her false hope isn't it?

Give her a list of things to do and see in Singapore and tell her you and your girlfriend are going out of town.

Yeah. You've advised her not to come.She's chosen to ignore that so it's on her now.

You don't have to see her so I wouldn't. This behaviour of hers is alarming. Just tell her that you hope she enjoys her solo trip but you won't be seeing her on it as you will be busy with someone else. No ones forced her to travel. Quite the opposite.

Yikes. Tough call. All you can do is minimize this and be polite but firm that you won't be her entertainment and maybe meet one or so briefly. Treat it like seeing an old male buddy for a drink, whatever.

Jane has booked flights to come to see me in Singapore next month. she says she hopes that I will spare at least a few days for her, given that she is flying so far to see me. If she does come, surely it would be too heartless to completely refuse to meet her?

I'd fear for my life. Someone who forces themselves on a person can be very dangerous. Sometimes, if they can't have you, no one will. You're probably thinking you know her well enough that she would never harm you. You never totally know what goes on in another's brain. Watching 48 Hours Mystery and other shows, I've seen so many shows where the unsuspecting lamb lets the wolf in the door.

By the way, does she know where you live?

Letting her remain in your home may be giving her hope.

Someone is probably telling her "if he really meant it he wouldn’t be letting you live in his house."

I agree, do NOT meet up with her. Not even once.

Did she tell you what her purpose is for going on this trip? Was it to reconcile? or she simply wants to still be friends? Wants a proper in person goodbye? To give something back like a ring or necklace? How long ago was the breakup? Did you breakup via phone call? or text? How long were you two dating for? Why did you breakup? Who wanted to end it? Is she obsessive cray cray?

Wow , she thinks she is doing this out of love but it is such manipulation ....no one has the right to take away your choices ...tell her straight ..you will not meet her .not ever , so it is none refundable ...hard luck .

Why are still communicating with her ? You need to tell her and then cut her off ..

How did you two break up? Was it face to face? If yes, there is no point in meeting her at all. If it was by text or phone, then it might be that she is seeking a final face to face meeting. Again, you owe her nothing, but meeting her in a public place for a coffee might help her move on. It's your call though and it is within your rights to refuse.

Meet her and tell her in the best way you can, that you want to be fair to her and to tell her that you cannot give her any false hope and that things are truly over.

Prepare for tears from her and upset. But remain strong on your decision.

In the end, you will be doing her a favour by giving her closure. When she finally has closure, she will heal and move on with her life.

Also, meet in a public place.

Singapore is an easy city to sightsee on her own. Tell her you will be out of town.

'>>>would be too heartless to completely refuse to meet her?" No! She's decided to ignore your requests and therefore, disrespecting your wishes. Why should you feel bad? Seriously. I will echo some other posters in saying that you'll be out-of-town with your girlfriend (or alone)-- unless she knows where you live. That would be awful. I suppose you could leave your residence and stay with a friend, if you know the date of her arrival but it would certainly inconvenience you.

If you do decide to meet (bad idea, IMHO) meet in a public place. Her behaviour leaves much to be desired. Heed your warning, MirrorKnight!!!

surely it would be too heartless to completely refuse to meet her?

This is what she hopes she can manipulate you into thinking.

She's been disrespectful of your wish to end the relationship and bulldoze over a boundary you established by breaking up with her. Not exactly worried about your heart here, is she? You're so busy worrying about hurting her feelings that you've forgotten how little yours mean to her.

If you have no intention of reconciling, do not meet up with her.

Unless you're up for going one step forward, and two back, my vote is not to meet her, otherwise you're giving her false hope in one way or another.

Of course it's your call, but by not being honest you have to have a good memory. For what it's worth, there's much truth in the phrase "you've got to be cruel to be kind." (imo).

Oof, this is disrespectful and concerning behavior. The thread has said it all, OP. You have to stay strong and bury the hatchet. You are NOT responsible for her emotions, choices, or money. You have been open and honest about wanting the relationship to end. Let her know you will not be in town or be responding to any further messages from her and actually leave for a bit. Good luck shaking this bad breakup, and be kind to yourself!

There is no way I'd meet up with a woman who pulled this. A big body of water and privacy are your two biggest allies against that kind of crazy. She wants to eliminate the former, I certainly wouldn't volunteer her the latter. She's doing it to herself.

By the way, does she know where you live?

Unfortunately yes. And where I work.

Did she tell you what her purpose is for going on this trip? Was it to reconcile? or she simply wants to still be friends? Wants a proper in person goodbye? To give something back like a ring or necklace? How long ago was the breakup? Did you breakup via phone call? or text? How long were you two dating for? Why did you breakup? Who wanted to end it? Is she obsessive cray cray?

The breakup was in September. I flew back to the UK specifically to do it in person. We were together for 1.5 years, including 6 months long distance at that point. I wanted to end it. Is she obsessive? At this point, yeah I guess :( The why I broke up is a much longer answer, I agonized about it for months beforehand and there are threads on this forum about it.

I have asked her what she hopes to achieve, and she just says "I don't know". I think she is in denial, if I am honest.

Are you considering asking her to move out of your house?

I think you allowing her to remain is giving her hope.

And she owns her own house, so it's not like she'd be homeless. Besides, she's an adult who can arrange for her own housing.

You must refuse to meet her.

Are you considering asking her to move out of your house?

 

I think you allowing her to remain is giving her hope.

 

And she owns her own house, so it's not like she'd be homeless. Besides, she's an adult who can arrange for her own housing.

I was thinking this too.

Did you have a white knight thing going during this relationship?

I ask because I’m kinda sensing it now.

My reaction would be jmans personally but you know I can see it being an ego boost. Kinda reminds me of social media, the super sexy girl taking a picture with glasses and captioning it, “ oh my gawd, I’m so nerdy” or like the Kardashians complaining they have so many shoes they just aren’t sure which one to wear.

It’s like is it really a problem? Really? Or is it a bit of a subconscious ‘look at me’ moment?

I’m being serious.

Unless you just have the worlds sh*ttiest boundaries I can’t imagine anything less than, ‘ are you insane? Do not come here we are broken up’ being your response

Just... this post and everything else..

There’s a lot going on and well I must say, at least to me, you aren’t hiding it all that well.

Are you considering asking her to move out of your house?

 

I think you allowing her to remain is giving her hope.

 

And she owns her own house, so it's not like she'd be homeless. Besides, she's an adult who can arrange for her own housing.

I have asked her to move out, but I gave her a generous deadline to give her time to deal with the drama at home and sort out the logistics. But I see now that she is not doing that, so maybe I need to be tougher.

I was thinking this too.

 

Did you have a white knight thing going during this relationship?

 

I ask because I’m kinda sensing it now.

 

My reaction would be jmans personally but you know I can see it being an ego boost. Kinda reminds me of social media, the super sexy girl taking a picture with glasses and captioning it, “ oh my gawd, I’m so nerdy” or like the Kardashians complaining they have so many shoes they just aren’t sure which one to wear.

 

It’s like is it really a problem? Really? Or is it a bit of a subconscious ‘look at me’ moment?

 

I’m being serious.

 

Unless you just have the worlds sh*ttiest boundaries I can’t imagine anything less than, ‘ are you insane? Do not come here we are broken up’ being your response

 

Just... this post and everything else..

 

There’s a lot going on and well I must say, at least to me, you aren’t hiding it all that well.

No, sorry, but your read (the bit I highlighted) is totally off on this occasion. When I first read your comment, I was baffled about how my situation could possibly be ego-boosting until I thought about it in the context you framed. I am self-aware if nothing else, so I critically thought about your point and honestly looked at my previous posts to see if I was even subconsciously guilty of fishing for an ego-boost or attention in my threads.

But no, I am not insecure to the extent that I am boosted by the obsessive attention of a woman I walked away from. If I am 100% honest, maybe in the first few weeks after the breakup, when I was in mourning and hurting, and wrote, "this is hurting more than I thought it would", a tiny part of me would have been hurt if I had found out that Jane was moving on without me and did not need me, because yes, I do have some "white knight" tendencies and I did miss being "needed" and having a reliable constant in my life. But an infinitely bigger part of me will have been relieved and happy that she was moving on. What we had was genuine, I am very sorry about hurting her and I truly wish that she will grow stronger and be happy again, and that this time, the happiness is less reliant on others.

If I were the type to low-key fish for boosts on this forum, there were other things that I could have written about that would have been much more ego-boosting, but I never had any inclination to do so. Instead I have been very open and honest and written about things that I am insecure about in my own threads and in answers in others' where they were relevant, like acne, my height, depression, long periods of being single and other non-flattering issues.