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Ex Fiancee Ended Things - Advice Needed


lizardo55

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Going to try and start with back story: Me - 33F Him: 35F met online - I'm an engineer and I started really struggling with my career during the beginning of our relationship. I ended up getting a career coach about 8 months in to find a new job. I had some really tough days throughout our relationship with my work and heavily leaned on him for support. I truly appreciate him being there for me during this time. He was a bar manager at the beginning of our relationship, and I thought also looking for a career change. I had reservations about him working in a bar due to past relationship that included cheating, abuse (mental and physical). I voiced these concerns early on and he decided to switch careers into real estate. I was still very hesitant on the relationship in the beginning due to our different schedules and financially - if we had the same values. I had a lot of anxiety about our future financially that I would bring up often. Also, the two of us had an instant connection when we met - we have the same humor, we truly had a chemical connection to each other, that was never an issue the entire relationship.

 

Fast forward 2 years later - we got engaged in October (truly best weekend of my life), and then he broke up with me about a week ago. There are many reasons for the break up - he said he is severely depressed and has anxiety. He says he can't be in this relationship or any relationship until he figures out himself and what he truly wants for himself. He says he doesn't know if we wants kids anymore (I do). He said that he went into the relationship in the beginning taking on all my feelings and my dreams. He gave up being a bar manager for me (from my reservations). He gave up playing music, hanging out with his friends, etc.. and basically took on my life. I remember this in the beginning being strange he didn't hang with his friends, but I thought he just enjoyed hanging with me and my friends. He also said I am not compassionate enough for what he needs especially with his depression. A few months prior, he had told me he was at his breaking point and I didn't fully know what that meant. I don't think I dismissed it, but I didn't address it fully. Financials were also a problem - He said he felt like he was working towards our goals we talked about - but I didn't feel that way. I wanted to open a joint account together and work together on a goal. He said that if I wanted that, I should have come to him with the bank info, etc. He also said that he didn't feel like he was enough in the relationship. I'm struggling with that part because most men I've been with have said this to me.

 

I'm looking for input/advice... him telling me he doesn't feel good enough and other men - is this me having expectations that are too high or are we just not right for each other? Am I seeing this relationship through rose colored glasses and there clearly are issues between us? I want the best for him and his healing, but i think these issues could have been worked on. I am completely heartbroken. We've talked a few times since the breakup, he's still living at my place, but I've gone to be with family -- there is no room for reconciliation. He keeps telling me something in him is missing that he needs to figure out what it is. In addition, any advice for moving on after a broken engagement would be very helpful.

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I had reservations about him working in a bar due to past relationship that included cheating, abuse (mental and physical). I voiced these concerns early on and he decided to switch careers into real estate. I was still very hesitant on the relationship in the beginning due to our different schedules and financially - if we had the same values.

 

So you're say you're carrying around toxic emotional baggage. You can't be a good partner to anyone until you ditch that. Either read self-help books on getting rid of useless baggage, or seek therapy, and don't date until you're successful.

 

It doesn't matter what a person's job is. Either he/she is a faithful person or not. When you date, you just take a wait and see attitude because you don't know him, and you will eventually find out what you need to know about that person.

 

He changed his career for you in the honeymoon stage, but now that things settled into reality, he's kicking himself for doing that.

 

I don't know if your idea of financial stability or spending and saving habits are reasonable or not. If reasonable, maybe you should cut off a guy a lot sooner when you see he doesn't match you in this area. Sounds like you stick around because of infatuation, but then make him feel "less than" because you have discussions or arguments about opposite ideas.

 

When more than one person says the same about you, listen. You make men feel they are inferior, so examine your own behavior to make improvements.

 

He broke up with you so why can't he move in with relatives? You should be at your own place. Healing from any relationship just requires time, closure by no contact, and enjoying time with girlfriends, family, hobbies, and concentrating on your career. Good luck.

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Your frustrations about him seem more like frustrations with yourself. You've pushed him to make career changes and you're the one who wants a career change from engineering. You're pushing for a joint account towards a shared goal but joint accounts are generally for couples in relationships with bigger commitments and future goals. Are you the one having troubles with money? Why do you want to switch careers? Any particular reason?

 

Did either of you ever talk about marriage? Marriage isn't for everyone so never feel pressured to go that route. I'm just asking out of curiosity.

 

I don't think you have a problem with expectations but your timing is a bit strange. The level of commitment in terms of finances and the amount of movement in your careers seems a bit unstable. I'd say it's a good idea to be prioritizing your goals switching careers and being more established (working on you) before worrying about him and his career.

 

Unpack all the problems with your past with a therapist, chat it out with a good/trusted friend, go for long walks, work through it yourself. Being jealous of him in his workplace or pushing for someone to give up their career only breeds resentment (what you're finding now). You really need to get a handle on those deep fears. Don't feel alone - we all have them. When the right person comes along and when you're in a clearer headspace you'll know when all these hopes and dreams and plans are much more likely. All this with this guy didn't start off very well and there's way too much instability in this relationship to progress to any kind of greater commitment. Too many fears and both of you are working on your professional lives. Be kind to yourself and start thinking of yourself more: what's going on with your career?

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“he's still living at my place”

 

Was he paying you rent? Was his “rent” subsidised because he is a partner , where otherwise you might not have had a lodger?

 

From day one , it seems he was not good enough for you and it seems that from day one he knew you felt that way.

 

He was a bar manager. Not just serving drinks. But you associated his career with someone that would cheat?

Or did you even consider it as a career?

 

Why did you want a joint account? Especially since you admitted you have anxiety over your future financially speaking?

 

I agree that he went along with you and your goals, he is somewhat responsible for that , but have you never asked him what he wants? And like when he dropped his music and friends , just assumed you knew what he wanted?

 

He needs to go back to bar management , because that is what he enjoys and therefore be good at.

No wonder he is depressed.

 

Once he goes back to bar management however , your fears of cheating will still be present.

That to me seems to be the root cause of the decline in your relationship.

And will be in future relationships unless you address it.

 

Good luck!

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I certainly think you can do better. Since you're an engineer, it would be better to be with a man at least at your level socioeconomically.

 

With his background, you'll forever support him financially which will cause endless strife and discord in your relationship or marriage someday. Money problems will never go away.

 

He has serious mental disorders which he needs to address. You don't want his problems to become your problems and headaches. Be realistic.

 

If he doesn't succeed as a real estate agent, he can always go back to managing bars. He wants to play music and hang out with his friends. Between managing bars at night, playing instruments and hanging out with his friends, there isn't time for you whatsoever.

 

He has too many problems. If I were you, I wouldn't have brain space for him either. Having a relationship with him is unnecessarily taxing.

 

I think he's being honest regarding his inferiority complex with lack of education and gainful employment status. Just as I had mentioned earlier, it's better for you to date and have relationships with men who are within your socioeconomic circle.

 

He needs to move out of your place. Since reconciliation is impossible, then it's time to go your separate ways permanently. Let him figure out what's missing inside him and live his life.

 

Move on by starting anew. Focus on your health and surrounding yourself with very moral, respectable people such as family and friends.

 

You move on as you realize that meeting him and having him as your boyfriend was a step down for you. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. In all relationships, you need to be evenly yoked otherwise it's doomed for failure.

 

Think long and hard and know you did the right thing. You'll move on after you think sensibly and logically.

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I certainly think you can do better. Since you're an engineer, it would be better to be with a man at least at your level socioeconomically.

 

With his background, you'll forever support him financially which will cause endless strife and discord in your relationship or marriage someday. Money problems will never go away.

 

He has serious mental disorders which he needs to address. You don't want his problems to become your problems and headaches. Be realistic.

 

If he doesn't succeed as a real estate agent, he can always go back to managing bars. He wants to play music and hang out with his friends. Between managing bars at night, playing instruments and hanging out with friends.

 

You'll move on after you think sensibly and logically.

 

Wow!! I can’t believe what i am reading?? She is an engineer and can do better??

Why? Please explain why?

 

 

“With his background” you think she will be forever supporting him financially? She never once told us about his background? !!!

 

He has “serious mental disorders” ??? According to who? He said he was unhappy and at breaking point within the relationship. That the op ignored. And you have diagnosed him with a serious mental disorder? A psychologist wouldn’t do that with biased info.

 

You believe for some reason that his bar management job was not a real job but that he was just hanging out and playing music ? You are as judgemental as the op on this one.

 

If he doesn’t succeed at a career he never wanted to pursue its because he was never interested in it in the first place!!! Just did it to appease the op and her insecurity.

 

”You'll move on after you think sensibly and logically”

Actually that’s what her ex did.

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Sorry to hear this. How does he plan to work out the living arrangements? Unfortunately it sounds like you tried to remake him, he acquiesced for a while then realized he was miserable being who you need/wanted him to be rather than being who he is.

 

Basically you were incompatible and have different goals. It sounds like he was miserable most of the time. As though he felt engulfed by everything you want and sort of disappeared in the process. You would do better when he moves out and you can find someone who is happier in himself and can be himself around you.

we got engaged in October, and then he broke up with me about a week ago.

 

He says he can't be in this relationship or any relationship until he figures out himself and what he truly wants for himself. He says he doesn't know if we wants kids anymore (I do). He said that he went into the relationship in the beginning taking on all my feelings and my dreams. He gave up being a bar manager for me (from my reservations). He gave up playing music, hanging out with his friends, etc.. and basically took on my life.

 

he's still living at my place, but I've gone to be with family -- there is no room for reconciliation. He keeps telling me something in him is missing that he needs to figure out what it is.

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So you're say you're carrying around toxic emotional baggage. You can't be a good partner to anyone until you ditch that. Either read self-help books on getting rid of useless baggage, or seek therapy, and don't date until you're successful.

-Possible. I had another long term relationship before this one, and none of these issues arose. I think due to the similar career of the emotional/verbal abuse is where this stemmed from.

 

It doesn't matter what a person's job is. Either he/she is a faithful person or not. When you date, you just take a wait and see attitude because you don't know him, and you will eventually find out what you need to know about that person.

-Agree. Once I got to know him and his career, I quickly didn't think he would ever cheat on me.

 

 

I don't know if your idea of financial stability or spending and saving habits are reasonable or not. If reasonable, maybe you should cut off a guy a lot sooner when you see he doesn't match you in this area. Sounds like you stick around because of infatuation, but then make him feel "less than" because you have discussions or arguments about opposite ideas.

-Yes, I would agree, I probably need to cut them off sooner if we don't align.

 

When more than one person says the same about you, listen. You make men feel they are inferior, so examine your own behavior to make improvements.

-Working on this in therapy now.

 

Your frustrations about him seem more like frustrations with yourself. You've pushed him to make career changes and you're the one who wants a career change from engineering. You're pushing for a joint account towards a shared goal but joint accounts are generally for couples in relationships with bigger commitments and future goals. Are you the one having troubles with money? Why do you want to switch careers? Any particular reason?

-I failed to mention that I did make a career change. I finally got a new job and I start next month. I was pushing for a joint account or not necessarily even that, just shared goals because we talked about our future life together many, many times. We talked about starting a family together, moving to a new state, and him opening his own bar. In my mind, in order to reach these goals, we needed to make future plans. However, talks about the future were very difficult to have. About 3 months ago we both started going to a couples coach together to work on goals separately and together. He later told me after the breakup that he didn't think it was helpful. I thought it was very helpful.

 

Did either of you ever talk about marriage? Marriage isn't for everyone so never feel pressured to go that route. I'm just asking out of curiosity.

-MANY times. He said he wanted to marry me about three months into our relationship. We looked at rings together about 8 months before he proposed.

 

“he's still living at my place”

 

Was he paying you rent? Was his “rent” subsidised because he is a partner , where otherwise you might not have had a lodger?

-Yes, he's paying rent. I shouldn't have mentioned he's still living there. I left to be with family and he said he will be out by the end of the month. That's all ok.

 

From day one , it seems he was not good enough for you and it seems that from day one he knew you felt that way.

-Yes, this could be correct. We both had an instant connection to each other and I don't think either of us wanted to end things. In turn, I think he gave up who he was for me.

 

He was a bar manager. Not just serving drinks. But you associated his career with someone that would cheat?

Or did you even consider it as a career?

-Correct. Yes, I did see this as a career once I got to know him in the first few months. He told me he didn't want the late night shifts anymore and that he wanted to make a career change. Looking back, I think he just said this to appease me. He knew I didn't like the different schedules we had. Later, about 1.5 years in he told me he wanted to open his own bar (with me). I was in full support of this. We talked many times about how and where we would do it.

 

Why did you want a joint account? Especially since you admitted you have anxiety over your future financially speaking?

-Joint account or just a joint goal. We talked many times about our future together, and I was ready to start it. If we were going to open a bar together, have kids, I thought it would be a good idea to work on goals together and something fun. I don't have anxiety about my own financial future. I had anxiety about our financial future together. We also had in depth talks about me potentially staying at home with kids eventually. We talked about how we would get there. However, in my mind, the goals we talked about, I didn't see the action taking place on his end. I'm learning now that he doesn't/didn't want the same goals/future as we talked about.

 

I agree that he went along with you and your goals, he is somewhat responsible for that , but have you never asked him what he wants? And like when he dropped his music and friends , just assumed you knew what he wanted?

-Yes I asked what he wanted. Time and time again he told me he wanted the same things as me. To move to a cheaper location, get married, kids, eventually I would stay at home. We said we wanted to have enough money to not worry about paying the bills and be able to live comfortably and also be able to go on trips. We talked about this many times. I asked in the beginning of the relationship why he didn't hang out with his friends, why he wasn't going to karoake nights - he told me he didn't want to hang out with those friends anymore. I look back and think I should have seen this a red flag. In my mind, I just thought he didn't really care for them. I didn't force him to be with me or hang out with my friends, I truly thought he enjoyed it.

 

He needs to go back to bar management , because that is what he enjoys and therefore be good at.

No wonder he is depressed.

 

Once he goes back to bar management however , your fears of cheating will still be present.

That to me seems to be the root cause of the decline in your relationship.

And will be in future relationships unless you address it.

-Agree. We've talked briefly during this breakup and he's gone back to working more shifts at the bar. However, he is telling me he still doesn't know what he wants for his future. I have no fears of the cheating, I don't think I fully explained that correctly.

 

 

 

He needs to move out of your place. Since reconciliation is impossible, then it's time to go your separate ways permanently. Let him figure out what's missing inside him and live his life.

-He has said this to me exactly. He feels something in him is missing.

 

 

You move on as you realize that meeting him and having him as your boyfriend was a step down for you. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. In all relationships, you need to be evenly yoked otherwise it's doomed for failure.

-Therapist has said similar things. That it's very hard if we aren't lined up financially - or it different places in our lives, which I think we were at the time.

 

 

 

“With his background” you think she will be forever supporting him financially? She never once told us about his background? !!!

He studied music in college, got into teaching music but then didn't like that. Moved to a new city with his ex while she was pursuing her masters, then he got into bars, bar management.

 

He has “serious mental disorders” ??? According to who? He said he was unhappy and at breaking point within the relationship. That the op ignored. And you have diagnosed him with a serious mental disorder? A psychologist wouldn’t do that with biased info.

He told me he does have a lot of childhood trauma he needs to address. Yes, I feel awful for not seeing the depression signs and truly listening that he needed help.

 

You believe for some reason that his bar management job was not a real job but that he was just hanging out and playing music ? You are as judgemental as the op on this one.

I wish he would have told me early on this is a career that he loved and he was going to stick with it. I believed he didn't like it.

 

If he doesn’t succeed at a career he never wanted to pursue its because he was never interested in it in the first place!!! Just did it to appease the op and her insecurity.

I didn't force him into real estate. He told me it's what he wanted to do at the time.

 

 

Sorry to hear this. How does he plan to work out the living arrangements? Unfortunately it sounds like you tried to remake him, he acquiesced for a while then realized he was miserable being who you need/wanted him to be rather than being who he is.

- I didn't try to force him into other hobbies/careers. I truly believe he wanted to do something else. He knew where I stood, I was honest from the first day about my goals and dreams. I agree with you about incompatible and different goals, I think it's hard for me to accept it.

 

I tried to answer some of the questions and give some more clarity. I appreciate all the feedback. He is moving out by the end of the month, so that is no issue. I am understanding different sides to this. However, I don't want to make the same mistake moving forward. I believed him when he said he wanted out of his current career of bar management. I believed him when he said we wanted all the same things for our future. How do I catch this moving forward, when he said he just put all of his goals as mine? I think a big issue was my concern for our future financially/stability. I'm realizing it is a big value of mine. I didn't feel secure with the way the relationship was heading. I would ask about our future and the conversations were not easy ones, I felt like I was walking on eggshells many times. I talked about the future way too much in this relationship, it is the first time in my life I really felt anxiety. Some days it would just overcome me and I would worry about how we were going to make all of our goals work financially. He wanted me to trust him and that it would all work out. He's told me he doesn't know what he wants for his future now and he needs to figure it out and that our goals may not even be the same - he said he may not even want kids anymore. I feel like I was almost lied to or "duped."

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Really sorry to hear about this.

 

I agree with the general consensus. I get the feeling that, right from the start, a lot of things were predicated upon his changing to accommodate you and soften your anxieties. Speaking for myself, if any woman ever had a problem with what I do for a living and how I do it—and many have—I know that my immediate reaction is: sorry, but no. I'm confident in my choices, derive confidence and identity from them—not things I'd give up for anyone. That he was willing to drop it, to me, speaks to a man who was deeply unsure of himself when you met. Could you be drawn to such men? Drawn to men that can be easily influenced?

 

That might be worth thinking about, in the wake of this, but with a gentle spirit, not a self-lashing one. People, by and large, want to be accepted for who they are, not who they may become, and especially not for who they may become for someone else. It takes away that critical thing in relationships, which is being yourself with someone, rather than for them. The former is self-affirming, while the later is self-vanishing. As he put it to you, he has lost sight of who he is outside of trying to be who you'd like him to be.

 

I don't think it's about having "too high" expectations, but just being honest about what you want and who a person is—putting energy there rather than in their potential or the potential in how you can tweak them. The personal comfort that may provide comes at the expense of another human's comfort in their own skin. It also will give a relationship a self-life—or, if not, makes a rich and expansive connection a challenge.

 

Go easy on yourself in the coming weeks. Do what needs to be done to untangle your lives logistically, and give yourself time and space to heal, as you see fit. Trust he will be doing the same, in his own way, on his own timeline. Hard as it is, this sounds like it's for the best—that some key ingredients of compatibility were missing for quite some time. Isolate those—your own needs—so when you're ready to connect again it will be more about observing how you feel alongside someone as opposed to gauging things by the influence you can have.

 

Internet hugs and best of luck.

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Now I don't buy your ex's excuses. All he is really saying is, you are not the one, simple as that. I doubt his anxiety or depression is a contributing factor, or that he "lost himself to be all about you in the beginning", blah blah blah. All we are getting is your perception on all this, and it's hard to give you any answers. Would make it easier if he could talk to us...but that's not going to happen.

 

Going forward, how about trying a life coach. If men have been giving you the exact same excuse, then that there is something to look into. It's kinda hard to determine what that is over the internet, but a life coach, interacting with you in person, can help you on your journey.

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However, I don't want to make the same mistake moving forward. I believed him when he said he wanted out of his current career of bar management. I believed him when he said we wanted all the same things for our future. How do I catch this moving forward, when he said he just put all of his goals as mine? I think a big issue was my concern for our future financially/stability. I'm realizing it is a big value of mine. I didn't feel secure with the way the relationship was heading. I would ask about our future and the conversations were not easy ones, I felt like I was walking on eggshells many times.. I feel like I was almost lied to or "duped."

 

There is no fool-proof way to avoid these moments.

 

That said, it's worth thinking about how these conversations came up. For instance, maybe he didn't see himself a bar manager forever, and maybe that was a personal truth of his before you knew him. But instead of being able to figure that out on his own timeline, with your support, he changed careers because he knew you didn't like what he did, that it stirred up fears inside of you that he had nothing to do with. Yes, that supplied the impression that he had a similar vision as you did, but that's because the vision was generated by you, not by him. He changed jobs more to make you feel better than to feel better himself. The trouble with that is the only kind of person who would do it is a person who barely knows who they are, so the very thing that brought a sense of calm and security in the moment was connected to the thing that has created disconnect today.

 

As for finances: that's kind of simple. You know your values, what you need, and you can assess pretty early if your values align with the way another lives. You barely need to talk about it. Financial stability and responsibility is really important to me in a partner, for example. Within a few months, if not less, I knew my girlfriend and I were on the same page financially, as individuals. I have no idea how much money she earns or saves—we've never talked about money for more than 10 seconds—but the basic outline of her life and how she lives it is informative, as I suspect she'd say about me. You could walk into either of our homes and know within 10 seconds that we know how to run a tight ship. So any concerns either of us may have had about those matters were quelled quickly, just by observation, before we were even boyfriend and girlfriend. Had there been unsettling questions about all that, or major gaps—well, we would have never reached the boyfriend-girlfriend stage.

 

In other words, you "catch" this stuff moving forward by observing more than asserting. And if you find yourself in a dynamic where you're doing most of the asserting—well, that there becomes something to "catch," as it means you're with someone who is vague, maybe too vague for you.

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Wow!! I can’t believe what i am reading?? She is an engineer and can do better??

Why? Please explain why?

 

 

“With his background” you think she will be forever supporting him financially? She never once told us about his background? !!!

 

He has “serious mental disorders” ??? According to who? He said he was unhappy and at breaking point within the relationship. That the op ignored. And you have diagnosed him with a serious mental disorder? A psychologist wouldn’t do that with biased info.

 

You believe for some reason that his bar management job was not a real job but that he was just hanging out and playing music ? You are as judgemental as the op on this one.

 

If he doesn’t succeed at a career he never wanted to pursue its because he was never interested in it in the first place!!! Just did it to appease the op and her insecurity.

 

”You'll move on after you think sensibly and logically”

Actually that’s what her ex did.

 

Yes, she's an engineer and people who tend to remain among their same socioeconomic group are happier statistically. It stands to reason. There's more in common intellectually and INCOME. $$$MONEY$$$.

 

Yes, with his background, she'll end up picking up the financial slack since as an engineer, she obviously earns more money to pay for monthly survival expenses. No brainer there.

 

Yes, he has serous mental disorders such as major anxiety and depression which he needs to address and treat. It's extremely difficult to be in a relationship when one of the partners has far too many personal mental or physical problems and issues of his own. In other words, that sick person will be a real drag in the relationship which is incredibly taxing and draining. The sympathy card runs out.

 

Bar management is a job. However, once again, it's lower income and OP will end up shouldering the majority of financial burdens month to month. Reality will set in and I doubt she wants to be the major breadwinner in the relationship.

 

He wants to hang out with his friends and play music so let him. He's incompatible to the OP. It's as plain.

 

Appeasing financial insecurity won't happen due to income disparity.

 

The OP needs to think long and hard, sensibly and logically. He's not for her. Billie28, "love don't pay the rent." It's time for a reality check.

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I would say so, yes. Eventually, the person earning the higher income will feel burdened sooner or later. :upset:

 

That’s not exactly true.

Financial compatibility is not about what each person earns.

Rather it’s about their value of money. Common goals on prioritising their expenditure etc.

 

The OP’s income is taking a drop of 10-20K at the end of the month , purely by loss of rent.

Whereas his income and expenditure will remain the same. Ironic!

 

Most marriages involving children end up with one main bread winner.

Are you saying that all those marriages end up being full of resentment based on finances?

 

Did your parents have equal income? What are you basing your point on?

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Interesting.

 

My brother earns mid-six figures. His wife doesn't work. He doesn't appear to resent her at all.

 

I think it's too individual to make a broad statement like "the person earning the higher income will feel burdened sooner or later".

 

And anyway, if this were true the OP would have been the one ending the relationship. Not her former fiancé. It seems she would like it if they had never broken up.

 

But their incompatibilities go beyond earning potential IMO.

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I would say so, yes. Eventually, the person earning the higher income will feel burdened sooner or later. :upset:

 

I don't think every person earning the higher income would feel burdened and resentful. That would be up to the individual person. Also not every single person with a professional career looks down on people who are working class. It's a matter of opinion. I do prefer someone intelligent (I'm professional and university educated), but I'm not dead set on what exact job they have. Besides, as posters have mentioned, he was a manager of a bar, not bartender. To be a manager you need to have a certain maturity, responsibility and skills. Not everyone just gets promoted to a manager, even in a bar.

 

I don't think it's fair to try to change people and tell them what to do with their life. If you have an issue with someone's job, then don't date them in the first place. But to have a relationship and then constantly be telling the person how they need to change is not good. Eventually that would grate on anyone and I think that's what happened here. Also because OP kept talking about how she was worried about her fiance's finances. Therefore making him feel like he's not successful enough, doesn't earn enough. A person needs to feel respected and valued in a relationship and not be told that such and such is not good enough about them.

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I agree with both bolt and tiny.

 

Imo there were several reasons why the op’s fiancé left her.

 

I don’t think financial incompatibility was a major factor though.

Her initial dislike of his job had nothing to do with finances but more of a concern that the lifestyle could pose a threat re cheating. She now realises that her thinking was skewed in that respect.

 

While he may have made the decision to go into realestate , and she claims she didn’t ask him to, there was likely subtle suggestions.

His real estate work wouldn’t have made much more money than bar management.

 

But I sense that over 2 years , his self worth was minimised. By still not earning enough , by not working in an area he loves, by a fiancé still not thinking he is good enough.

 

Hopefully he can now concentrate on his own goals that has had a set back and end up owning that bar he dreams of and seems passionate about.

By that time , perhaps he will be the higher earner and dating someone that doesn’t care.

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OP, by your own admission, the physical/sexual chemistry between you was out of this world and it seems like you ignored and tried to sweep under the rug all the more serious incompatibilities between you that ultimately became a problem. A sense of humor and chemistry alone do not sustain long term relationships. It sounds to me like it's not the first time where your lower half is making relationship decisions and as you can see it's not working out so well for you.

 

Also, what you are describing from your past relationships as well, you seem to connect with highly insecure dysfunctional men. A guy who will cheat/abuse you is fundamentally insecure weak disordered coward. A guy who will give up his life, job, friends and try to morph into your lifestyle and life is also fundamentally insecure, lacking any healthy sense of self and is otherwise weak and disordered. Sane people do not drop everything in their identity for a relationship.

 

On that note, I don't think it's what you are doing so much as who you are choosing to be with and that once smitten, you don't know how to walk away from incompatibility and issues in a timely manner. Before you date, be sure that your own life and head are in order. If you are in a mess, you'll attract messy people. At the same time, when you do have your act together, beware of the whole opposites attract and then they clash. Your plans for the future were reasonable, your partner was not capable of functioning in a healthy way and you've been ignoring those red flags from early on. You need to work out why you do that.

 

Your ex fiance, btw, did the usual weak coward thing - blame you for his issues and for his choices. Nobody put a gun to his head to quit his job, music, or friends. He could have said no to you and even dumped you over it, which a healthy man would have done, had you demanded he give up his job. He literally shifted blame for his own choices. I hope you don't accept and internalize that as your problem because it isn't.

 

What I hope that you end up taking away from this entire experience is reign in your lower half and use your head more and walk away when you see that things are not right for you. You don't like what he does for a living, you don't ask that he change, you walk. You don't like how he treats you, you walk. You aren't sure that you are financially compatible, you walk. Get a whole lot more ruthless instead of hoping that you can fix, make do, etc, etc, etc. Basically, if you cannot see a happy future with the man exactly as he is right now, zero changes, then simply walk away immediately.

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OP, lizardo55 clearly stated that she had her doubts regarding different schedules and financial values. She had anxiety regarding future finances.

 

Also, he's severely depressed and has anxiety. It's extremely difficult to have a relationship with a person with a lot of mental or physical problems. Just like with money woes, healthy issues are burdensome and taxing.

 

He feels constrained since he doesn't have time for hanging out with is friends and playing music because he took on her life. There are only so many hours in a day. It's difficult to prioritize a person in a relationship.

 

Financials continue to be an ongoing problem with no end in sight.

 

There is no room for reconciliation. Therefore, it's time to dissolve the relationship.

 

Move on by knowing it will take time to heal your heart. Eventually he will become a distant memory and blur. Enjoy solitude but don't shut out the world. Have balance in your life. Surround yourself with family and friends who are moral and upstanding. Hang in there. It will get better.

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Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's been a rough 2 weeks since this happened. I'm trying to take all information/advice and use it the best I can to heal and move forward. I realize I made a lot of mistakes early on and have growing to do for the future. Thanks again.

 

 

In other words, you "catch" this stuff moving forward by observing more than asserting. And if you find yourself in a dynamic where you're doing most of the asserting—well, that there becomes something to "catch," as it means you're with someone who is vague, maybe too vague for you.

Agree, looking back there were probably things I saw that I ignored.

 

 

The OP’s income is taking a drop of 10-20K at the end of the month , purely by loss of rent.

Whereas his income and expenditure will remain the same. Ironic!

I didn't explain this correctly. My mortgage will be what is was before. Fiancee was helping me pay it, but it will go back to what I was paying prior to him moving in. Yes, I will have to pay more (like I did before) but I was doing that prior to him moving in.

 

Most marriages involving children end up with one main bread winner.

Are you saying that all those marriages end up being full of resentment based on finances?

I was OK with him staying at home in the future, but he told me he didn't want to do that. I come from a family with older brothers whose wives don't work and there's no resentment.

 

 

And anyway, if this were true the OP would have been the one ending the relationship. Not her former fiancé. It seems she would like it if they had never broken up.

I did not want to break up. I was willing to go to counseling to work through issues. I was OK with him going back to full time bar management and/or opening his own bar.

 

But their incompatibilities go beyond earning potential IMO.

Out of curiosity, what other incompatibilities are you referring to?

 

I don't think every person earning the higher income would feel burdened and resentful.

Agree, he took his job very seriously. I remember back to the start of our dating, and he was giving up shifts to hang out with me. This bothered me early on and I should have noticed this as possible incompatibility.

 

I don't think it's fair to try to change people and tell them what to do with their life. If you have an issue with someone's job, then don't date them in the first place.

Agree, I shouldn't have commented on his job. He did voice to me he wanted to change careers, multiple times. I do think how I communicated especially early on didn't make him feel respected and valued. I am very sorry for this.

 

 

I don’t think financial incompatibility was a major factor though.

Her initial dislike of his job had nothing to do with finances but more of a concern that the lifestyle could pose a threat re cheating. She now realises that her thinking was skewed in that respect.

A lot was financial incompatibility in my opinion, and how difficult it was to talk about it. Agree, I shouldn't have brought his job.

 

 

Hopefully he can now concentrate on his own goals that has had a set back and end up owning that bar he dreams of and seems passionate about.

By that time , perhaps he will be the higher earner and dating someone that doesn’t care.

Agree, I hope this too and the best for him.

 

 

OP, by your own admission, the physical/sexual chemistry between you was out of this world and it seems like you ignored and tried to sweep under the rug all the more serious incompatibilities between you that ultimately became a problem.

Agree. I noticed some incompatibilities and put them aside for the connection we had.

 

A guy who will give up his life, job, friends and try to morph into your lifestyle and life is also fundamentally insecure, lacking any healthy sense of self and is otherwise weak and disordered. Sane people do not drop everything in their identity for a relationship.

I didn't once see my fiancee as insecure. I questioned him why he wasn't hanging out with his friends and he told me he didn't want to. In the future, I think I should take note of this.

 

He literally shifted blame for his own choices. I hope you don't accept and internalize that as your problem because it isn't.

I've really been struggling with this as my problem.

 

Basically, if you cannot see a happy future with the man exactly as he is right now, zero changes, then simply walk away immediately.

Good advice, thank you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Update:

 

Found out a few days after this post that my ex stole crypto currency from me, a very large amount. So I've been dealing with that ... So I think some folks were right .. we definitely have different values. He also lied about ever being a real estate agent. He wasn't/isn't one. Clearly there were red flags I missed.

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Yikes. Sociopaths and scammers often don't have obvious red flags. They are too well versed and shallow. Don't beat yourself up over it, but do get law enforcement and help legal. As far as the duplicitous life he displayed, enlist some help with a therapist to debrief and sort things out. The only red flags were his manipulative faux self effacing statements. However that could have been anyone.

Update:Found out a few days after this post that my ex stole crypto currency from me, a very large amount. He also lied about ever being a real estate agent.Clearly there were red flags I missed.
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