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husband came out as transgender and now I have a crush on my best friend (again)


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About two months ago my husband who I've been with for 7 years came out as transgender. I have always loved him and still do, he is sweet and kind, but it was such a shock and threw me for such a loop I can't seem to get that 'spark' back I once had for him. He's never been very into sex, not that he's against it, just never initiates. It was sort of an issue for me before we were married, but we worked through it. Now I just don't have that lust at all for him, especially since the first time he wore a dress in private he got an erection... I know it's not his fault what he's into, but it just hurt that this could do it for him when it was always hard for me. It also hurt so bad since we always seemed to be of one mind and now I'm learning he's been going online for the past couple years talking to strangers about this before coming to me...

 

I've always been a pretty sexual person and with this outlet gone my mind has slipped back to an old friend, we'll call him Tim, who is also having a tough time in his relationship right now to the point were it looks like we'll both be single in the near future with everything going on. I just sort of feel like I'm in hell or being tricked on some cosmic level since this is NOT the first time it has happened. We have never really gotten together, but the first time something similar happened we did hook up.

 

Some back story on that... one of my first boyfriends told me he wanted to have sex with other people, but still loved me. He hadn't cheated and my cute friend Tim was coming back into town so I thought we could try an open relationship. It didn't work out, but my friend had started dating someone else before my relationship failed.

 

A few years later we were both in ty relationships again. Tim's girlfriend was cheating on him constantly, he was putting up with it for some reason, and I was equally stupid in an extremely toxic verbally abusive relationship. I developed a crush on him again and we talked about it a bit, but stayed in our toxic relationships.

 

Now we are 'separated' from our partners again, but not quite apart since it's so complicated. I on one hand still love my husband and don't want to hurt him while he's going through his self discovery, Tim's girlfriend is verbally abusive and has threatened to move out as soon as she has enough money to do so, but they have a kid together and I think deep down they do still love each other. I haven't talked to my husband or Tim about my crush on him this time... it never worked out in the past and I'm terrified of pretty much every future I can see right now.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

I don't know what to do.

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You're using Tim as the fall back guy right now as you're mixed up and confused and Tim is an easy out. But what you and he have together is not love, its convenience.

 

You can't replace someone with someone else either when the going get's tough, it's not right.

 

This is your husband, the man you chose to have a life with. If him coming out as a transgender is difficult, then it's time you and he went into marriage counselling together and at least try to sort things out.

Marriage isn't something you should be considering tossing or ending until you have tried everything possible to make it work.

 

You might consider personal counselling as well.

But you are definitely not in the right mind space to be adding in another man. You need to sort your feelings out, let your husband know how you feel and how much confusion it's causing for you.

See if marriage counselling will help and finally, if all else fails, go through a type of mourning for the loss of your marriage and a lot of time to heal.

 

Tim is not or should not be a part of any of it. Don't use him and don't let him use you. Neither of you are in the right time or space to even consider each other.

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Your right counseling is probably the best idea. I have let my husband know how I feel, leaving my friend's name out of it, but I've expressed fantasizing about other men it and how confused I am. Our living situation is complicating things even more, since we were living on my parent's property, but they are both very religious and while they did not kick him out, he doesn't really feel comfortable living here with them since they are both homophobic and trans phobic. So while I'm still here he's living alone... we still see each other almost every day, but it's hard.

 

It's nice to have a sane outside opinion on this though, thank you.

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Has he spoken to a therapist? How long has he felt like this?

 

He hasn't spoken to a therapist yet... he's actually works in peer support himself though. I'm not sure exactly how long he's felt this way, it seems like it changes? Sometimes he says he's always thought about it to some extent, or he'll say it's only really started this year. A couple years ago I caught him acting suspicious when he was online around me and he has since confessed that he was talking about it back then... so honestly I really don't know what to believe.

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I think you should be more open with your husband. It sounds like you're tiptoeing around him as if he's made out of glass. Transgendered folks aren't going to fall apart if you call them out on what they're doing. It reads more as acceptance and acceptance (even a little bit of it) goes a long way. Be more open with your husband and talk with him about how all this makes you feel as a woman, as a wife and as an individual. I think you've squashed a lot of your feelings and it's seeping out in ways that are inappropriate.

 

This person Tim should know that you're married. Until you've worked things out with your husband and have a clear understanding of where you stand in your marriage, avoid Tim and don't be foolish enough to believe that an open relationship is ok without everyone being open about it (full disclosure). If what you really want is to be with Tim and not your husband, you need to call a spade a spade and not label it an open relationship. That's an excuse for not having the courage to end your marriage when what you really are is unhappy with it.

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avoid Tim and don't be foolish enough to believe that an open relationship is ok without everyone being open about it (full disclosure). If what you really want is to be with Tim and not your husband, you need to call a spade a spade and not label it an open relationship.

 

No that was a different time years ago before I met my husband. I was not planning on trying an open relationship now. I don't even know how Tim feels about me really, which talking about it out loud just makes me feel more out of touch and crazy about the whole thing... I'm not happy in my marriage now, I don't know if I can be again. No matter how I look at the future it just seems doomed, I know that's not all on my husband, but on me too and how disconnected I'm being.

 

I've told my husband about my feelings and he doesn't seem to understand how being transgender changes anything. He feels the same as he always has on the inside and can't understand that he feels like a completely different person to me. I just go back and forth between being a sobbing wreck or an emotionally cold unfeeling.... thing that doesn't really feel like me. It's like we've reversed, he is finally being open after bottling up his emotions and truly finding himself while I just feel like I'm losing myself and the perceptions I had about everything and it's causing me to shut down.

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No that was a different time years ago before I met my husband. I was not planning on trying an open relationship now. I don't even know how Tim feels about me really, which talking about it out loud just makes me feel more out of touch and crazy about the whole thing... I'm not happy in my marriage now, I don't know if I can be again. No matter how I look at the future it just seems doomed, I know that's not all on my husband, but on me too and how disconnected I'm being.

 

I've told my husband about my feelings and he doesn't seem to understand how being transgender changes anything. He feels the same as he always has on the inside and can't understand that he feels like a completely different person to me. I just go back and forth between being a sobbing wreck or an emotionally cold unfeeling.... thing that doesn't really feel like me. It's like we've reversed, he is finally being open after bottling up his emotions and truly finding himself while I just feel like I'm losing myself and the perceptions I had about everything and it's causing me to shut down.

 

Can I ask a bit more about how those conversations come about? I'm asking because if they're emotionally charged the answers will be skewed. It's a bit like trying to reason with each other when we're upset. It doesn't work very well. If you are able to speak neutrally with each other I'm at a real loss at how he doesn't seem to understand how his being transgendered changes anything. That phrase , to me, appears like he's being defensive and if he's being defensive, I have to ask why and how those conversations are unfolding. Sadly if all of this was said on neutral terms and he doesn't seem to understand where you're coming from, he may have checked out of your marriage before you ever did or possibly never was very invested in it as an individual and as a husband. I'm very sorry. It's not his gender or identity that's as bothersome then as having a man (the same person you shared your vows with) disregard and not acknowledge you and the way you feel.

 

I find it VERY hard to believe that this person doesn't have a clue or isn't aware about HOW his gender change or identity change has an effect on those around him. I don't believe it for one second. He's either not admitting to it or he's disconnected from you 100%.

 

That type of non-understanding or unwillingness to listen or connect with you isn't helping and will break the marriage down further. Have you asked him what he thinks of your marriage now and how he sees his life with you? I'm curious what he thinks and if he sees you in his life going forward.

 

He may be going through an exciting time for himself but it doesn't mean he should be alienating you or forgetting that he's married to you. This can be difficult to talk about and put into words but seeing as he works in some kind of peer support group, he should have more than enough access to all kinds of support, understanding and general language or ideas to be able to describe himself and connect with you on an intimate level. The other question too: are you willing to listen and be a part of that journey with him if he is able to open up to you?

 

You're under no obligation to continue that journey with him. Prolonging that kind of decision between the both of you though and living in this limbo isn't good for your mental health. I'd stay away from Tim and really figure out your marriage and where you want to go from here. I think you're distracting yourself from your own pain and sadness. Try dealing with it. Don't be afraid to restart your life and make big decisions for yourself.

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Since you are married, the best thing to do is consult an attorney regarding dissolving the marriage. There is no point continuing this sham. "Tim" doesn't sound like a decent guy cheating on this gf chronically, so steer clear of both your husband and this guy. Have an amicable divorce, but make up your mind about what you want. Set you husband free to explore his life, don't cling.

I'm still here he's living alone... we still see each other almost every day, but it's hard.
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This would not be doable for me. You have to think of your own happiness.

 

I agree with Wisey. Steer clear of Tim. Yo need to learn to move forward without a man, this will put you in a stronger and healthier place. Get support from friends and family, and stay single a long while.

 

I think that your husband sounds selfish and out of touch, if he cannot understand your position.

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Since you are married, the best thing to do is consult an attorney regarding dissolving the marriage. There is no point continuing this sham. "Tim" doesn't sound like a decent guy cheating on this gf chronically, so steer clear of both your husband and this guy. Have an amicable divorce, but make up your mind about what you want. Set you husband free to explore his life, don't cling.

 

I agree with all of this. Now that your husband wants to transition and live as female, your marriage is over.

I don't understand why your husband doesn't "get it", that everything should stay the same with you. It can't, really.

 

And end contact with Tim.

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As is often the case when someone comes out about who they really are.... suddenly they feel a sense of freedom, self-acceptance and elation from finally being free of the burden of their secret, and the expectation is that everyone around them will feel the same way.

 

The power of denial is that for whatever reason, even though he has made this huge announcement and change in the way he lives, he expects his relationships to stay the same. Of course it will take time for people to adapt to who he is now... it's no different from any other life changing announcement.

 

For you OP all I can suggest is that you heed the advice of the others on here who have said that Tim is just a distraction from your unhappiness in this situation, and that ideally you need to resolve things with your husband, whether that's to stay or to go.

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