Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 17 of 17

Thread: husband came out as transgender and now I have a crush on my best friend (again)

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    avoid Tim and don't be foolish enough to believe that an open relationship is ok without everyone being open about it (full disclosure). If what you really want is to be with Tim and not your husband, you need to call a spade a spade and not label it an open relationship.
    No that was a different time years ago before I met my husband. I was not planning on trying an open relationship now. I don't even know how Tim feels about me really, which talking about it out loud just makes me feel more out of touch and crazy about the whole thing... I'm not happy in my marriage now, I don't know if I can be again. No matter how I look at the future it just seems doomed, I know that's not all on my husband, but on me too and how disconnected I'm being.

    I've told my husband about my feelings and he doesn't seem to understand how being transgender changes anything. He feels the same as he always has on the inside and can't understand that he feels like a completely different person to me. I just go back and forth between being a sobbing wreck or an emotionally cold unfeeling.... thing that doesn't really feel like me. It's like we've reversed, he is finally being open after bottling up his emotions and truly finding himself while I just feel like I'm losing myself and the perceptions I had about everything and it's causing me to shut down.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    3,038
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SilverDragon
    No that was a different time years ago before I met my husband. I was not planning on trying an open relationship now. I don't even know how Tim feels about me really, which talking about it out loud just makes me feel more out of touch and crazy about the whole thing... I'm not happy in my marriage now, I don't know if I can be again. No matter how I look at the future it just seems doomed, I know that's not all on my husband, but on me too and how disconnected I'm being.

    I've told my husband about my feelings and he doesn't seem to understand how being transgender changes anything. He feels the same as he always has on the inside and can't understand that he feels like a completely different person to me. I just go back and forth between being a sobbing wreck or an emotionally cold unfeeling.... thing that doesn't really feel like me. It's like we've reversed, he is finally being open after bottling up his emotions and truly finding himself while I just feel like I'm losing myself and the perceptions I had about everything and it's causing me to shut down.
    Can I ask a bit more about how those conversations come about? I'm asking because if they're emotionally charged the answers will be skewed. It's a bit like trying to reason with each other when we're upset. It doesn't work very well. If you are able to speak neutrally with each other I'm at a real loss at how he doesn't seem to understand how his being transgendered changes anything. That phrase , to me, appears like he's being defensive and if he's being defensive, I have to ask why and how those conversations are unfolding. Sadly if all of this was said on neutral terms and he doesn't seem to understand where you're coming from, he may have checked out of your marriage before you ever did or possibly never was very invested in it as an individual and as a husband. I'm very sorry. It's not his gender or identity that's as bothersome then as having a man (the same person you shared your vows with) disregard and not acknowledge you and the way you feel.

    I find it VERY hard to believe that this person doesn't have a clue or isn't aware about HOW his gender change or identity change has an effect on those around him. I don't believe it for one second. He's either not admitting to it or he's disconnected from you 100%.

    That type of non-understanding or unwillingness to listen or connect with you isn't helping and will break the marriage down further. Have you asked him what he thinks of your marriage now and how he sees his life with you? I'm curious what he thinks and if he sees you in his life going forward.

    He may be going through an exciting time for himself but it doesn't mean he should be alienating you or forgetting that he's married to you. This can be difficult to talk about and put into words but seeing as he works in some kind of peer support group, he should have more than enough access to all kinds of support, understanding and general language or ideas to be able to describe himself and connect with you on an intimate level. The other question too: are you willing to listen and be a part of that journey with him if he is able to open up to you?

    You're under no obligation to continue that journey with him. Prolonging that kind of decision between the both of you though and living in this limbo isn't good for your mental health. I'd stay away from Tim and really figure out your marriage and where you want to go from here. I think you're distracting yourself from your own pain and sadness. Try dealing with it. Don't be afraid to restart your life and make big decisions for yourself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,525
    Gender
    Male
    Since you are married, the best thing to do is consult an attorney regarding dissolving the marriage. There is no point continuing this sham. "Tim" doesn't sound like a decent guy cheating on this gf chronically, so steer clear of both your husband and this guy. Have an amicable divorce, but make up your mind about what you want. Set you husband free to explore his life, don't cling.
    Originally Posted by SilverDragon
    I'm still here he's living alone... we still see each other almost every day, but it's hard.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,976
    This would not be doable for me. You have to think of your own happiness.

    I agree with Wisey. Steer clear of Tim. Yo need to learn to move forward without a man, this will put you in a stronger and healthier place. Get support from friends and family, and stay single a long while.

    I think that your husband sounds selfish and out of touch, if he cannot understand your position.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,500
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Since you are married, the best thing to do is consult an attorney regarding dissolving the marriage. There is no point continuing this sham. "Tim" doesn't sound like a decent guy cheating on this gf chronically, so steer clear of both your husband and this guy. Have an amicable divorce, but make up your mind about what you want. Set you husband free to explore his life, don't cling.
    I agree with all of this. Now that your husband wants to transition and live as female, your marriage is over.
    I don't understand why your husband doesn't "get it", that everything should stay the same with you. It can't, really.

    And end contact with Tim.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,534
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You're using Tim as the fall back guy right now as you're mixed up and confused and Tim is an easy out.
    My thought, too.

    Also, Tim seems to have horrible boundaries. He may be cute, but I think you should pick a better partner when it comes time to start dating again.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,765
    As is often the case when someone comes out about who they really are.... suddenly they feel a sense of freedom, self-acceptance and elation from finally being free of the burden of their secret, and the expectation is that everyone around them will feel the same way.

    The power of denial is that for whatever reason, even though he has made this huge announcement and change in the way he lives, he expects his relationships to stay the same. Of course it will take time for people to adapt to who he is now... it's no different from any other life changing announcement.

    For you OP all I can suggest is that you heed the advice of the others on here who have said that Tim is just a distraction from your unhappiness in this situation, and that ideally you need to resolve things with your husband, whether that's to stay or to go.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •