In need of advice and commiseration after being replaced

I'm 23 and he's 24. We met a little over 2 years ago during our senior year of college. We got together about a couple months after we met, and when I say it was the perfect relationship, I really mean it. I had never been so loved and cherished, and it was so amazing. We were together for a year and a half, going strong the entire time.

In April of this year, he suddenly got scared of what the future would bring. He had been very busy with his job (which meant we didn't get to see each other as much), and he was unhappy with his life and where his career was going. I'm going to be applying to medical school next summer, and he didn't feel like he could follow me. I still believe he just got so caught up in his job and dissatisfaction with his life that our relationship kind of fell by the wayside.

Anyway, we broke up at the end of April. He said his heart just wasn't in the relationship, and that he just couldn't give himself to any relationship at all. The weird thing is, it didn't feel like we broke up. We still kept seeing each other, hooking up, etc. over the next 6 months. Yes, this was my mistake.

Earlier last month, he decided he had to call things off for good this time. He thought we had been in this "sort-of state", as he called it, for quite some time. I didn't take it too seriously at first, but then he revealed that "things were developing" between him and a friend at work, "rather quickly and rather unexpectedly", in his words. He said things were unresolved between us, and he couldn't, in good conscience, let things with the coworker go any further without settling things between us. Since he was at work while telling me this, he said he'd call me when he got off later that night.

When he called, I tried to stay calm and hear him out. He said this girl had the same career path as him (he works in the fine arts), and that they see each other at work everyday for these 15-hour work days. When I heard this, I thought to myself, "Is this about convenience?" although I didn't say that to him. Anyway, he kept telling me that I shouldn't think about it as her being better than me or that I wasn't good enough for him, because this girl and I are different people. I also just found out that she's only like 19, and he's going to be 25 next month, lol, which kind of made me laugh.

Anyway, I ended the conversation by reiterating that he should know that I loved him with everything I had when we were together, and that I still would have continued to do so if he had let me. He understood that. He feels horrible about how badly this is hurting me, and he reassured me that he would never cut me out of his life and that I'm very important to him (he even said this again three weeks ago, I haven't contacted him since).

I'm obviously distraught. I love this man, and now here he is starting something up with someone else. All I ever did was love him completely and support him in everything he did. I seemingly did everything right. I KNOW I was an amazing girlfriend. What should I even do? Sorry if this is long. Feel free to ask questions if anything is unclear. If there's anything I could do to get him back, what is it? I'm going to immerse myself in my new job and studying for an MCAT retake, so I'm really going to try to be the best version of myself.

I'm really sorry to hear that things had turned out like that. I don't think there is anything you can actually do to get your ex back. I'm sorry to say it but I don't think he really loved you. It sounds to me like you're a lot more in love with him than he was with you. If he said "he got scared of the future", that probably meant he was scared of the future of your relationship. Which probably means he didn't see a future with you. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you. He was probably hooking up with you for six months because he had no one else. Now that he found the other girl, look how quickly he wants to end it with you. He is definitely choosing her over you. I'm sorry, but I don't think you're that important to him.

But you didn't do everything right. You didn't do the one thing you should have done from day one when things started to go downhill. That one thing is loving yourself above all else and respecting yourself and him enough to take every single word out of his mouth seriously. You're in a lot of pain and it's natural that things are confusing right now. Rewind and back things up a little when you're in a clear frame of mind. Why did you disregard or not take him seriously to start regarding the break up or his reasons for not wanting to be with you?

This will probably be very difficult for you and tricky. You might feel the ground shift a little and things become distorted. It's because your rose-coloured lenses will likely start to fall off and you'll start seeing him exactly for what he was /what he is.

This person and you were not evenly matched from day one and I feel like he's been harbouring a lot of resentment towards you and you were blind to his true nature. You're off to med school and he's dabbling with something in the fine arts. You're focused and he is worried and feeling down about himself regarding his future. You're steadily plodding along in on the entire course you plotted for yourself in your personal life and in your career and he's like a balloon that just got popped, zipping around in any and no direction, losing its air and decreasing in size and any good use in the process.

Don't look back. This is done and over. Let the rose-coloured lenses fade. One day at a time and one step at a time, heal. Keep on doing all the things you love to do, focus on your schooling and go on and live your life fully. Have more faith in yourself and take things a little more seriously next time when it comes to your relationships. If you regard that relationship seriously, take that person seriously. Don't ignore any signs and always pay attention to your gut instincts.

But you didn't do everything right. You didn't do the one thing you should have done from day one when things started to go downhill. That one thing is loving yourself above all else and respecting yourself and him enough to take every single word out of his mouth seriously. You're in a lot of pain and it's natural that things are confusing right now. Rewind and back things up a little when you're in a clear frame of mind. Why did you disregard or not take him seriously to start regarding the break up or his reasons for not wanting to be with you?

 

This will probably be very difficult for you and tricky. You might feel the ground shift a little and things become distorted. It's because your rose-coloured lenses will likely start to fall off and you'll start seeing him exactly for what he was /what he is.

 

This person and you were not evenly matched from day one and I feel like he's been harbouring a lot of resentment towards you and you were blind to his true nature. You're off to med school and he's dabbling with something in the fine arts. You're focused and he is worried and feeling down about himself regarding his future. You're steadily plodding along in on the entire course you plotted for yourself in your personal life and in your career and he's like a balloon that just got popped, zipping around in any and no direction, losing its air and decreasing in size and any good use in the process.

 

Don't look back. This is done and over. Let the rose-coloured lenses fade. One day at a time and one step at a time, heal. Keep on doing all the things you love to do, focus on your schooling and go on and live your life fully. Have more faith in yourself and take things a little more seriously next time when it comes to your relationships. If you regard that relationship seriously, take that person seriously. Don't ignore any signs and always pay attention to your gut instincts.

The crazy thing is, you're not the first person who's mentioned that there might be an inferiority complex happening here on his part with regards to the whole med school thing. My mom thinks so, my aunt thinks so, my cousins think so...They all think that on some level he thought he wasn't good enough for me. What I don't understand is why he would resent me for knowing what I want to do with my life. I never once looked down on him or made him feel like he was inadequate in any way. The last time I talked to him, he even said one of my most admirable traits was how focused I am on my future career. What do you make of the new relationship, by the way?

His new relationship is irrelevant, in the sense that whether or not they last isn't going to change the outcome for you.

He wasn't invested enough to continue dating you and didn't see a future. If he hadn't started dating her, it would have eventually been someone else. Not fun to hear, I know, but I think you two are ultimately on incompatible paths. He probably will indeed wind up with someone whose schedule and work goals are similar to his own, and it does not necessarily mean he feels inferior to you. I think that's a bit of a stretch; more simply, he is just not willing to put the time or energy into maintaining a relationship with someone whose study and career path is so different from his. That's not a shot at either of you, but rather meant to highlight the long-term incompatibility.

It sucks, but you are still very young. He wasn't the great love of your life; that man is still out there somewhere.

No, there's nothing you can do to get him back. That ship has sailed. I agree with you. Immerse yourself with your new job and studying for the MCAT. With your new job and studying, you're bound to meet new people and start a new life. Let time heal your old wounds someday sooner than you think.

He wasn't meant for you because he made all sorts of excuses to make his exit from his relationship with you.

However, he was realistic regarding not following you should you move faraway for medical school.

He's with someone else now, a younger gal and preoccupied. Since he's onto his next girl already, don't give him the time of day anymore. He is history.

Carry on. Concentrate on your education and career. Then you will have people clamoring to be with you. Nothing is more attractive than self confidence and success.

You can't help how someone feels about his or her own accomplishments/set backs etc, as a person, from the details to the whole. That's not on you. You aren't his angel or his savior or his guiding light or his therapist. It's up to him how he breaks down his own understanding of the universe and his place in it. What he thinks of you is something that you have no control over no matter how much you want to level with him.

I'm sorry - I didn't respond to the new relationship because it shouldn't be any of your business what he does with his private or romantic life. The way this fell apart is so painful and I really feel for you. It shouldn't have happened like this. The cord should have been cut a long time ago. Don't beat yourself up over it or tell yourself you're a bad person or he's a bad person. Neither of you are bad people. He's just not the one for you. My only bone of contention is that I don't agree with he way he continued to see you or sleep with you or meet up with you and flirt or get it on with his coworker on the side. That's dishonest enough knowing how you've felt about him all along and how hard it was on you to accept the break up. There ARE better people than that out there who WILL be in tune with you, understand you (all of you) and would never do that to you. Don't settle.

Hanging onto ideas or feelings about his new relationship means you're not cutting that cord and still self-sabotaging. We aren't robots as people. We hurt and we care about others. I wouldn't try to stifle how you feel. Ride those waves and accept the end and what you're going through. Try putting your emotions and pain towards something else more productive and work on yourself and getting back on track. Distance yourself from the idea that he's yours or you're his or any ideas of being a couple. You're not a couple anymore. You're separate individuals moving in different directions. Focusing on him is not the answer even though I know how hard that can be. What he was to you is over. What he is to someone else is none of your business going forward. Resist making it your business. It's really, truly over. You both deserve to live your lives. Let go.

Sorry to hear this. Good you are focusing more on your future and profession rather than trying to stay in a college-borne relationship. It sounds like you two grew apart and have completely different goals and values and lives to pursue. Enjoy your freedom and don't look back. You need to block and delete him and all his people from all your messaging and social media apps. Knowing he found someone more compatible isn't helping you.

I'm 23 and he's 24. We met a little over 2 years ago during our senior year of college.

 

In April of this year, he suddenly got scared of what the future would bring. I'm going to be applying to medical school next summer, and he didn't feel like he could follow me. I'm going to immerse myself in my new job and studying for an MCAT retake, so I'm really going to try to be the best version of myself.

His new relationship is irrelevant, in the sense that whether or not they last isn't going to change the outcome for you.

 

He wasn't invested enough to continue dating you and didn't see a future. If he hadn't started dating her, it would have eventually been someone else. Not fun to hear, I know, but I think you two are ultimately on incompatible paths. He probably will indeed wind up with someone whose schedule and work goals are similar to his own, and it does not necessarily mean he feels inferior to you. I think that's a bit of a stretch; more simply, he is just not willing to put the time or energy into maintaining a relationship with someone whose study and career path is so different from his. That's not a shot at either of you, but rather meant to highlight the long-term incompatibility.

 

It sucks, but you are still very young. He wasn't the great love of your life; that man is still out there somewhere.

I agree with Miss C ^^^

He seems to be trying to let you go as kindly as he can with all the friends routine talk ( don't go there , you will never heal ) .

I am sorry

No, there's nothing you can do to get him back. That ship has sailed. I agree with you. Immerse yourself with your new job and studying for the MCAT. With your new job and studying, you're bound to meet new people and start a new life. Let time heal your old wounds someday sooner than you think.

 

He wasn't meant for you because he made all sorts of excuses to make his exit from his relationship with you.

 

However, he was realistic regarding not following you should you move faraway for medical school.

 

He's with someone else now, a younger gal and preoccupied. Since he's onto his next girl already, don't give him the time of day anymore. He is history.

 

Carry on. Concentrate on your education and career. Then you will have people clamoring to be with you. Nothing is more attractive than self confidence and success.

I agree with this completely. On the flip side, my friend's daughter -your age -relocated for a guy she was over the moon with and was planning on applying to grad school or law school -she was divorced young, finished her college degree, had so many dreams. When she got there he ended things. She allowed this experience to derail her plans and now, 2-3 years later she's a glorified babysitter and hasn't applied to any grad or law school. She had so much career-related passion and energy and now she pursues bad boys and is underemployed/living with a relative. Go headfirst for your career and professional dreams, and definitely date and pursue an active social life and dating life (I did both, too at your age) but I would say for now prioritize the MCATs and getting into the best med school you can. Good luck!

Thanks for all the responses so far, everyone! I'm sure you all understand how badly this whole thing hurts, since most of you have been through the same thing. You think you've found the perfect relationship, promises of a beautiful future together are made, and then it all comes crashing down. It's hard to have someone tell you that they never saw themselves ever falling in love until they met you. That's the kind of stuff he told me. It was so beautiful back then. We were so in love and happy, and I'm just finding it hard to accept that this is my life now. I never thought we'd end.

I just find it hard to understand how he could go from me, someone who loved him wholeheartedly and with whom he shared very similar hobbies/tastes (seriously, with regards to geeky films and fandoms, I was the female version of him) to some younger person he barely knows. His friends and family loved me, and loved us together. He tells me they all still love me. None of it makes sense.

Thanks for all the responses so far, everyone! I'm sure you all understand how badly this whole thing hurts, since most of you have been through the same thing. You think you've found the perfect relationship, promises of a beautiful future together are made, and then it all comes crashing down. It's hard to have someone tell you that they never saw themselves ever falling in love until they met you. That's the kind of stuff he told me. It was so beautiful back then. We were so in love and happy, and I'm just finding it hard to accept that this is my life now. I never thought we'd end.

 

I just find it hard to understand how he could go from me, someone who loved him wholeheartedly and with whom he shared very similar hobbies/tastes (seriously, with regards to geeky films and fandoms, I was the female version of him) to some younger person he barely knows. His friends and family loved me, and loved us together. He tells me they all still love me. None of it makes sense.

It's not supposed to make sense. Sometimes it does in hindsight but that kind of focus on "making sense" won't let you move on. One time when I was blindsided in my mid 20s I found out 11 years later what made sense - he was actually gay and in denial -then and for years after - so his abrupt ending things, his back and forth etc all made sense 11 years later when I found out (which was years after we'd broken up). But that's an outlier.

Sorry for your hurt, truly.

I hope you can come to let go of the comparisons with this other person, along with the narrative of being "replaced," since connection just doesn't work that way. It's not a currency exchange. We don't love people to be loved in return. That's what makes it all so beautiful—and fragile. Feelings aren't commands or obligations, and feelings can and do change. That is the "sense" of it all: senseless, except inside its own logic system.

His feeling changed. He told you this, but you struggled to believe him. Understandable. Human. Internet hugs. The first way of coping with anything we don't want to face—be it the changing feelings of someone we love or, say, the $608 water bill I just paid—is to pretend it is not quite real. But that gets you only so far, since it's choosing to respect your story over reality, which is disrespecting the truth: of life, of another person. It will take you to a nasty place if you indulge it too heavily: the bill accrues interest, the ex is magnified into someone they are not.

I've been in your shoes. I've also been in his. There is really no way to explain it all, just as there is really no way to explain why we fall in love with a person. We just do. Better to look at it all as facts—hard, sharp facts in this case that add up to an equation where you plus him no longer equals something to invest your emotions into.

Sorry again. This is really destabilizing stuff, always. You are young, clearly on an awesome path in life, with a great head on your shoulders and a tender heart below them. Respect those things and take solace in them, while respecting the reality that this—him—is not something than can nourish either. It will hurt for a while. That's another feeling that can't be controlled, but it's a feeling that will pass, if you respect it.

 

I hope you can come to let go of the comparisons with this other person, along with the narrative of being "replaced,"

I agree, this is a very important point. But, it's harder to do it, than know you should.

@violinist

Time is a great healer, and the only thing I can say for sure is that if you stick to no contact, and work on yourself, and your goals, the feelings of loss and grief will fade.

One day you will wake up, and realize that one thing does make sense - you are better off without that ex in your life. He didn't value you properly.

There is a difference between stoicism, and resilience. The stoic would repress the feelings you are having; this is not a good idea.

Resilience means you need to let them flow out, dust yourself off and emerge stronger. Stand outside and scream into the wind if you need to, but let them out. Eventually they'll be gone.

How long that might take is an unknown - this is a journey, not a destination. But you will get there. Chin up.