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How to lose hope and move on


Tech5

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I have one or two posts that basically explain the situation I am in.

 

TLDR: 2 year relationship. Ended a 11 months ago. We ended up going on a trip we had booked prior to breaking up. The trip just finished.

 

After she left, I still had 11 days in another country. I used these well and tried to meet new people and get my head straight. I think I was really sad but still doing okay. I did not contact her once. I think being in a different country helped a lot with that.

I just got back to our city today. Not 3 hours in, she calls. She says she is outside my house and that she did not expect me to be back in the country already. She said she wanted to grab some of her furniture that was stored in the garage and was going to do it without letting me know.

 

Now she has gone again and it is really hitting me. I thought I was doing okay but it feels back to square one and I really want to message her.

 

The worst thing is, I was trying to squash the hope in my head and accept reality. But it is irrationally creeping back again. I don't know what to do. I want to move on but it feels like I am trapped and cannot. We live in a town of 120,000 people, and if I go out, there is a high likelihood we will run into each other at bars etc.

It is getting to me more and more, driving me crazy. I'm scared of seeing her because each time, I am brought back to square one.

 

I don't know what to do

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Hey bud, just read your other post as well - frankly, it sounds like you're rather codependent on this one person being in your life and she's ... well, she's not the best.

 

She had a boyfriend after you but they were "always arguing" because she spent time with you (I'd dump her too if I had been him, you are clearly not just her friend), yet she also drops you like a soaking wet emotional blanket once she's got her fill of your support ... again and again?

 

If I was to venture a guess and say her personal life/upbringing wasn't exactly wonderful, I imagine I'd be correct? And you are rather codependent on something about her, because 11 months should have been enough to move on to someone who doesn't treat you like a tool they use then toss away once they feel fixed.

 

What is it you see in her specifically that is so enthralling you are allowing someone to get the best of your emotional well-being? Do you think it might be confidence related? Do you think you cannot find a better woman out there?

 

I think at this point it might be best to talk to a therapist; just to help you get over the initial hurdle of moving on and more importantly, address what sounds like a major codependent relationship you both have that is NOT going to turn into something healthy and needs to be moved on from.

 

She broke up with you, she keeps you around, she dates other guys, she goes on a trip with you, she's gone again ... you need to stop having your life be her revolving door when she wants back in.

 

You know deep down she'll never stay, so it's time to close her out for good and find someone who appreciates you all the time, not just when convenient.

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Sorry to hear this. Yeah, collecting her stuff is another step away. What you can do is delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. This way it's not in your face that much.

 

You could also shake up your own life a bit and take some classes, courses, join some clubs, groups and volunteer. When you broaden your social horizons the chances of running into each other in the same-old, same-old bar lessen. It would also help you to shift gears, not to mention meet people and mix things up.

She said she wanted to grab some of her furniture that was stored in the garage and was going to do it without letting me know.

 

if I go out, there is a high likelihood we will run into each other at bars etc.

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Yeah she didn’t have the greatest upbringing. One of my biggest excuses was, “I need to be there for her no matter what.”

 

You mention codependency but I never really put much thought into it. Reading about it now does make it sound awfully like my problem. I always have this need to fix her or help her. Even if it meant I was being hurt.

 

To be honest, it is hard to describe what I love about her. I always said she was a good person, and that it was hidden under the damage her childhood did to her. It does kind of ring hollow now though, sounding like another excuse I am using.

 

I know I can get dates, since I have been with quite a few since our breakup. I just don’t know why I am still so stuck on her. I have trouble really clicking with dates. I feel like my ex is one of the first people I really loved. Maybe therapy is a good idea. Thank you for your advice

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This trip has been hanging over your head for 11 months, thus feeding the hope. So you might have broken up back then, but the truth of the matter is that you never had the actual chance to start healing and moving on until just now.

 

Now the trip is over and she came to get her things. That's a step toward completely severing everything and I hope that she has picked up the last of her stuff and if not, then tell her to get it all out of your house/property. Your healing can only begin now, once everything has been finished, no more trips, no more things being stored, etc. These things have been keeping you on the hook, so yes, right now it feels like the break up is completely fresh. Emotionally it is exactly like you just broke up.

 

If you had cancelled the trip when you broke up, kept the break up clean, had her get her stuff out immediately, you wouldn't be feeling so raw today. You'd probably be healed and ready to meet someone new by now. Unfortunately, you can't undo the past choices, only start making better ones going forward.

 

So, all you can do now is what you should have done back then - clean house, let the emotions die down as they will. I know it feels right now like the pain will not end, but it does end. It always ends and faster than you think. Meanwhile, get busy living your life - work, friends, hobbies or find some, do some projects around the house, refresh things because it will refresh your mind as well and how you feel.

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Give yourself time to go back to your normal routine and your usual self now that you're back. Don't overthink it. What's done is done. You went on a trip with an ex after a break up and that's not something a lot of people would do due to the repercussions you're experiencing. Count this as a natural response. The feelings you're feeling might not be out of love but more familiarity for the person (this is someone you know as opposed to a new friend or a friend you don't know very well). There are a lot of associations there in that connection so your brain will fire off in different directions no matter how you don't want it to.

 

I second the idea of cleaning out your house properly and removing her items whether she likes it or not. Courier it to her address. Don't wait for her to come pick them up. Start making better decisions for yourself going forward and don't settle for living in the past. She also shouldn't have any access to your garage or any of your personal property. Get your keys back, change the locks or hire someone to reprogram your security system. Get one if you don't have one. This person is out and gone from your life. Start reclaiming what's yours and that includes your property and your life.

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Yeah she didn’t have the greatest upbringing. One of my biggest excuses was, “I need to be there for her no matter what.”

 

You mention codependency but I never really put much thought into it. Reading about it now does make it sound awfully like my problem. I always have this need to fix her or help her. Even if it meant I was being hurt.

 

Yeah, you will never, ever, "fix" her. Ever.

 

Takes some hubris to assume you can or that you should - it is her choice to be "fixed" and if she sees a problem, it would take a professional who isn't infatuated with her to do that.

 

I'm glad you see yourself in the description of codependency; because the same thing she needs is what you need - you need a desire finally fix your situation and end this toxic, codependent personality you have.

 

You are an independent human-being who is supposed to have a life of your own - regardless of her and her life.

 

Any woman who you date should be someone who is put-together enough to not need you feeling a need to repair something about them; since that very feeling you are portraying is a massive personality flaw that needs to be repaired itself or you won't be able to form strong, stable relationships - you'll just seek out people who you consider "damaged" and keep up this vicious feedback loop.

 

You see her as someone who needs your help; however, any outsider reading your story sees you both need to focus on your own separate issues - independently and likely with a professional.

 

Take the time to actually get help so you can realize there is a lot more to life than this woman and just how asinine it is to think, “I need to be there for her no matter what.” when she couldn't care less and has been very forward about not loving you previously then manipulative by still hanging-around you and going on a trip with you.

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You lose hope by making each day hopeful for yourself and not relying on another person to provide happiness for you. That's all on you. You change "losing hope" to "being hopeful" for positive changes in your life. Change your trajectory. Stop obsessing and preoccupying yourself about a lost person in your life because they're certainly not expending the same wasted energy into you as you are for them. They're moving on as should you.

 

Make each day positive instead of all doom and gloom. Take great care of your health for starters, get busy with healthy distractions, surround yourself with moral, upstanding people and you will heal your heart. Let time heal your wounds. Someday your wounds will become old wounds.

 

I've found that whenever I become crazy busy, I simply do not have brain space for people who were not good to me. I'm too exhausted to care. Then days, weeks and months whiz by. You ought to try shifting gears in your life. It works. :D

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My heart is saying you are all wrong but I think my head is starting to realise you are all right. I'll try my best to keep powering on and hope that this will one day be behind me

 

Can you explain this sentence?

 

I've never much cared for this idea that the heart says one thing, while the head says another, because I think it's a romanticization and rationalization of something that is very much produced by the head: a story that allows you to dodge the full weight of reality in order to nurse pain through fantasy. Problem with this approach is that it freezes you in a state of pain and allows you to find a jagged kind of comfort in pain, suspending you between past and present so you're never actually in the present.

 

Some part of your head—not your heart—has assigned meaning to her that does not follow any logic. Explore that, unravel it, own it, so it's not so mysterious. Probably this was the case inside the relationship as well, where shoddy behavior (and very real pain to your heart) was seen not as "who she is" but as the "damage covering who she really is." And so your role was to "extract" the goodness, a role you're still holding onto as much as you're holding onto "her."

 

Ryan articulated all this so well, so no need to retread. But I say it's time to let go of her—meaning the story of her—so you can make room to live in the present again.

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