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Thread: Starting over advice

  1. #1
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    Starting over advice

    My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's not the location that's faraway, it's your mind that needs to be faraway no matter where you go.

    You will meet new people at college and work. It will be a whole new world for you. Once you become overwhelmingly busy with college, work and your social life, your boyfriend will become a distant memory and eventually a blur.

    Give it time. Give yourself healthy distractions in all you do whether it's exercise, studying, working, classes and social life. All of this will help you move forward.

    Don't live in the past anymore. Leave that behind in your mind. A change of scenery will help. However, most of all, keep moving forward in your mind and don't allow your mind and its memories have a hold or grip on your life. Learn to let it go.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    When did he become your fiance? I'm assuming the two of you talked of marriage and a future? When did all of that change?

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    We got engaged about 4 years ago. We started fighting in August of last year and things just went downhill from there until he eventually left for good in January and immediately jumped into a relationship with his 20 year old coworker (he's 33 and I'm 32)It's hard for me to get over everything because it was a very bad break up and I still love him and we've been together since we were 18. He also still posts about me on social media which confuses me further.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think it's a good idea to make this break. It's too bad that it took this long to realize that you weren't going to last forever. Being engaged for 4 years means that either you or he or both weren't totally committed to permanence.

    When you're in Florida with a new job and a new atmosphere, you'll have a much better attitude towards life. He didn't waste much time finding a new squeeze. I think you're making the right choice.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This sounds like an exciting time, and an exciting move.

    For what it's worth: I've moved twice following breakups, and both times have been life-changing. Happy tp say more, if interested, but at the end of the day I believe there are just things you discover about yourself by taking that kind of step that aren't possible to discover any other way. I think the key is to put it terms of what you're running "toward" rather than "away from," per that old saying that no matter how far you go you always have to deal with yourself.

    Who cares what he says, thinks, and posts on social media? Time to stop giving currency to all that, since it buys you literally nothing.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This sounds like an exciting time, and an exciting move.

    For what it's worth: I've moved twice following breakups, and both times have been life-changing. Happy tp say more, if interested, but at the end of the day I believe there are just things you discover about yourself by taking that kind of step that aren't possible to discover any other way. I think the key is to put it terms of what you're running "toward" rather than "away from," per that old saying that no matter how far you go you always have to deal with yourself.

    Who cares what he says, thinks, and posts on social media? Time to stop giving currency to all that, since it buys you literally nothing.
    Thank you that gives me some hope! Anything you'd like to share I'd be happy to hear! Also you're right, I know I shouldn't worry about what he says because it just makes me think he cares and gives me false hope.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have a different take and I'm not very keen on forms of escapism without actually dealing with a problem head on. If you're leaving in a huff and a puff (in a heightened emotional state), it's unlikely you'll make good decisions for yourself in the long run. Sure, you could depend on the graces and charity of good people along the way but why would you limit yourself so badly or allow someone else to have that kind of effect on you?

    What do you have in FL? Do you mind me asking? If you're moving away just to escape, I don't think you're doing yourself a service. It's just a way of avoiding your own pain and you're not dealing with it well enough. I'd put a hold on all the social media connections (mute/block/delete), whichever works best for you. Even if you're hundreds of kilometers or miles away, you're going one step forward and two steps back by viewing into his life and seeing his social media status and sad lovelorn posts of bygone days. It'll just trigger you back into your state of sadness and break up pain all over again. Where you physically locate yourself makes no difference. I've never believed in picking up and moving across anywhere as a form of escapism.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I have a different take and I'm not very keen on forms of escapism without actually dealing with a problem head on. If you're leaving in a huff and a puff (in a heightened emotional state), it's unlikely you'll make good decisions for yourself in the long run. Sure, you could depend on the graces and charity of good people along the way but why would you limit yourself so badly or allow someone else to have that kind of effect on you?

    What do you have in FL? Do you mind me asking? If you're moving away just to escape, I don't think you're doing yourself a service. It's just a way of avoiding your own pain and you're not dealing with it well enough. I'd put a hold on all the social media connections (mute/block/delete), whichever works best for you. Even if you're hundreds of kilometers or miles away, you're going one step forward and two steps back by viewing into his life and seeing his social media status and sad lovelorn posts of bygone days. It'll just trigger you back into your state of sadness and break up pain all over again. Where you physically locate yourself makes no difference. I've never believed in picking up and moving across anywhere as a form of escapism.
    I have family in Florida that are willing to help me get back on my feet. I left the state where I lived with my fiance (I only moved there to be with him) and moved 4 hours away back to my home state which is where I am now. I was originally supposed to go straight to Florida but I felt I was not emotionally stable enough so I just stalled out and stayed here.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    I have family in Florida that are willing to help me get back on my feet. I left the state where I lived with my fiance (I only moved there to be with him) and moved 4 hours away back to my home state which is where I am now. I was originally supposed to go straight to Florida but I felt I was not emotionally stable enough so I just stalled out and stayed here.
    Is your area in your home state too small or not enough jobs/opportunities in the area? That's good that you have family in Florida. You're lucky to have that. If there are better opportunities there, then it might be a no-brainer. It's just a matter of utilizing and making the most of it.

    I'd still recommend removing him from your social media feeds and letting go of that hold he has over you. It's going to hold you back no matter where you go.

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