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Thread: Starting over advice

  1. #21
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    Trying to fix you? You're not anyone's do up project. I suggest you block him on everything and move on forward. No, he can't leave u for someone else and keep you as a friend. Have some dignity and self respect for God's sake.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    Trying to fix you? You're not anyone's do up project. I suggest you block him on everything and move on forward. No, he can't leave u for someone else and keep you as a friend. Have some dignity and self respect for God's sake.
    Well it's my fault he was trying to fix me. I had depression sometimes and I wasn't as positive and easy going as him. He said he didn't actually leave me for her but because I wouldn't go to therapy and a bunch of other things he wanted me to do. I just don't know if I believe it 100% because he worked with the girl for over a year and knew she had a crush on him and they "hated each other" and fought all the time at work.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Focusing on these sorts of specifics is a sure path toward spiritual corrosion and not moving forward. Ditto social media.

    These are habits to focus on breaking, not habits to hope Florida will break. A move is exciting and distracting and so many things, but it's also unsettling, in the most literal sense, because you are re-settling. The moments of loneliness are inevitable, and they have a certain sharpness. If your go-to move when you're feeling lonely is to glance at social media, and specifically his social media, a move to Saturn, let alone Florida, would only amp all that up, not quiet it down.

    Letting go is a real process, a hard one. Takes different amounts of time for different people, but it needs to be engaged in actively. The social media stuff is the opposite: it's actively holding on while treating letting go as passive work. In your shoes I'd consider that a key prep before moving is to break the social media habit. I think you'd be amazed at how different you'd feel if you went a single month without any contact—including any sideways glimpses into his life or glimpses (story views) of him glimpsing into yours.

    That's just static. Once upon a time it didn't exist. You just broke up and kind of have to sit with the void. It sucked, because it sucks. But the only way the edges of the void soften, and eventually shrink, is to sit in it. That can be done in Florida, or New York, or Tokyo, or on your couch. But I think you're making it all a bit harder on yourself right now than it needs to be.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to immediately change your location and privacy settings on all your messaging and social media apps and all your devices. You're not a pet with an microchip, so don't agree to anything like this.
    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    he watches everything I post and can see where I am and who I'm with.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're driving the bus. You tell people when they can hop on board, and you get to kick them off, and permanently, when they are toxic passengers. It's not about what he wants--staying friends. And his version of "friendship" is not what a mentally healthy person thinks it is. Passive aggressive behavior? My friends don't do this to me, and if they did, they'd be kicked off the bus.

    Start relying on your own self-approval and don't seek that out from someone who dumped you and replaced you with the poor soul who has filled that spot.

    And not that you should get in the dating pool again for a good long while, but when you do, guys will run away when you tell them you still stay in contact with your ex.

    Delete and block him from every single form of contact, and don't look at his media stuff any longer. Reward yourself when that happens by doing something that makes you happy. Baking cookies. Buying yourself a little trinket. Lighting candles and taking a bubble bath.

    Practicing self love will get you into the forward momentum you need for your new life without some barnacle encrusted anchor dragging you down. As the song says, "My future's so bright, I have to wear shades."

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to immediately change your location and privacy settings on all your messaging and social media apps and all your devices. You're not a pet with an microchip, so don't agree to anything like this.
    It's just because when I post things he can see where I am or who I'm with because he knows where my family/friends are and who they are. He doesn't have any special access or anything, he just looks at anything I post immediately.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Focusing on these sorts of specifics is a sure path toward spiritual corrosion and not moving forward. Ditto social media.

    These are habits to focus on breaking, not habits to hope Florida will break. A move is exciting and distracting and so many things, but it's also unsettling, in the most literal sense, because you are re-settling. The moments of loneliness are inevitable, and they have a certain sharpness. If your go-to move when you're feeling lonely is to glance at social media, and specifically his social media, a move to Saturn, let alone Florida, would only amp all that up, not quiet it down.

    Letting go is a real process, a hard one. Takes different amounts of time for different people, but it needs to be engaged in actively. The social media stuff is the opposite: it's actively holding on while treating letting go as passive work. In your shoes I'd consider that a key prep before moving is to break the social media habit. I think you'd be amazed at how different you'd feel if you went a single month without any contact—including any sideways glimpses into his life or glimpses (story views) of him glimpsing into yours.

    That's just static. Once upon a time it didn't exist. You just broke up and kind of have to sit with the void. It sucked, because it sucks. But the only way the edges of the void soften, and eventually shrink, is to sit in it. That can be done in Florida, or New York, or Tokyo, or on your couch. But I think you're making it all a bit harder on yourself right now than it needs to be.
    You're 100% right. I've been sitting in it since January and unfortunately not moving forward in life because I've been in a very deep depression. I have a lot of guilt from my part in the relationship failing along with dealing with everything my ex did to me during the breakup. I stalled on moving to FL since March because I was scared to be alone and be in a new area, but I'm alone where I am now in an area I haven't lived in for 12 years anyway with family that I don't get along with. I know the social media stuff is hurting me but I guess I'm scared to cut that cord and have him think I'm "being petty" and have no chance of getting him back in the future.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    I haven't actually talked to him about moving recently. He told me not to do it and that I wouldn't like it before I moved in March and the last time I talked to him (I messaged him on his birthday in September because I'm stupid) he asked if I moved there yet, which he clearly knew I didn't because he watches everything I post and can see where I am and who I'm with. I think it's also in my head that I seek his approval because he always was trying to fix me and knew what was best for me.
    OK, this in bold is seriously creepy af and completely inappropriate. It needs to end and end now.

    Also, he was always trying to fix you? Wth? It sounds like you've been in a very toxic, unhealthy, controlling relationship being constantly told that you are defective for 14 years by this guy. It's been so long and you were so young when this started, that this dynamic probably seems completely normal to you, as in you don't seem to be aware that it was sick and destructive and you are now dealing with the damage this toxic bs from him caused you. Does it ever occur to you that you might have been depressed because of what he was doing and how he was treating you?

    In short, this guy is a complete low life and you are lucky to be out and away from him. I know you don't see it like that because 14 years of gaslighting and being "fixed" is a long time and a lot of brainwashing happening. It will take a long time for you to wrap your head around that and get clear of it all.

    On that note, please block and delete this creep from all social media and all access to you. He dumped you and the consequence of that is that he no longer has the privilege of having you in his life in any way, shape, or form, let alone continuing to dictate to you how to live or what to do with yourself. Blocking him is also for your own health and well being. You simply cannot even begin to heal while you keep tabs on social media. Every single time there is that contact, it's like putting a new knife into your own back. Stop it. Just stop harming yourself.

    Block, delete, then yes move to a new life, BUT with a new attitude that you are going to embrace the change with all you've got. New faces, new adventures, new people and also, learning to be content on your own. That last part is particularly important. As Blue already touched on, moving can be great, but there will definitely be moments when you feel lonely and you have to develop better coping mechanisms for that than brooding about your ex and running to social media. Instead get busy with pretty much anything else - binge watch your favorite show, put on your running shoes and go for a walk or to the beach, read something, sign up to volunteer and do it.

    Being in a relationship since you were 18, you never had a chance to learn how to be your own person. You've got some catching up to do and it's not going to be all roses and butterflies, but the end result is fantastic - knowing that you can stand on your own two feet and be happy without needing another person to prop you up or tell you how to live. It's the ultimate power and freedom.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How would keeping him on your Facebook friends list result in you two reconciling?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    I know the social media stuff is hurting me but I guess I'm scared to cut that cord and have him think I'm "being petty" and have no chance of getting him back in the future.
    While I understand this, on a basic human level, I've always had a different approach.

    It goes like this: I know myself well enough to know that I never, ever want to be someone in any relationship where social media has that much glue or with any human being who would think I was "petty" for taking space to heal, nor do I want my wedding speech to involve the chapter where we watched each other's story views for a year or two while pretending to move on.

    So: if "cutting that cord" is the thing that destroys all hope—well, bring it. That cord, on the best of days, is immature nonsense that is paying for the yachts of people your age who live in Northern California. To invest hope and identity in immature nonsense, or make immature nonsense the seed the blossoms into reconciliation, is to ensure that the connection is always poisoned, stitched together by the most juvenile tape and bubble gum on the planet. It is essentially a total disrespect of the thing we all call love.

    Think about it, pragmatically: The social media stuff just suspends you in a state of juvenile weakness. Is that a state you want anyone—be it him or another man—to validate through love and commitment? Reverse question: Do you want to make choices in your own life based less around your own needs than to accommodate the potential of someone thinking you're petty? Or, metaphorically: If the only path toward a relationship was eating only foods that rotted your teeth and clogged your organs would you even want to be in that relationship?

    I get that you've got a lot of your life and feelings tied up in this guy, or some idea of him. Still, when you lay out the hardest of facts here—a 33-year-old man dating a 20-year-old woman while continuing to engage with his ex over social media—you are paving a road lined with skull-and-cross bone flags. You could tell me he is also curing cancer on the side and I would tell every woman I know to stay far, far away. Give yourself some real space—not just by moving, but by really cutting this digital cord—and I think you'll start to see that. And in seeing it you'll feel something you've maybe not felt as an adult: freedom, self-possession.

    You were so young when you met, and so it makes sense that your mode of engagement with him is juvenile. But you are not an adolescent anymore; you are an adult, a woman, far more powerful than you know. This is the time to start tapping into all that power, and celebrating it. He is a roadblock to that, as is anyone who, for whatever reasons, freezes you into a state of weakness.

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