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Thread: Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend

  1. #1
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    Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend

    I really need some advice for what to do. I will try and make this as short an explanation as possible.

    I am 26 years old, and my boyfriend (who is 34) and I have been dating for one year and eleven months.
    When we first started seeing each other he lived one hour away apart. Because he lived on his own and I lived with my parents, I was the one making the two hour round trip drive a good 9/10 times.

    Five months into our relationship he mentioned he was looking to buy a house. I got excited because it was an opportunity for him to move closer to me. Instead he chose to move to another town, directly next door to his parents, who are also one hour away from where my parents live.

    My job is in the town where my parents live, and I am still the one driving two hours everytime we see each other, including on days when I work an 8 hour shift, making my work day ten hours long. It stresses me out.
    He wants me to move in soon, and now Iím stuck with the reality that I either have to look for a job closer to his house (I love my job and I donít want to leave), or stay working where I do, but drive ten hours a week for work.

    I have brought this up to him numerous times, how I wish he would have taken me into consideration when he bought a house. I feel as though he doesnít care what my needs are. When I bring it up he becomes defensive and turns it around on me. He has even said I overreact and over think everything.

    I donít know what to do. Please help.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Don't move in with him. Please.

    It's clear that he's not as serious about your relationship as you are. Otherwise, he would have consulted you about his move. Why don't you stop driving to see him? Would he start driving to see you? You've trained him that you're willing to let him use you as a doormat. Stop doing that.

  3. #3
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    I am sorry to say this but your bf is self-centered, controlling and selfish. I understand that you live with your parents but he should, IMHO, make an effort to see you more often. You don't have to make it a sexual thing every time, (assuming you have an intimate relationship). He could drive up to see you and you can plan some activities in your town. You're right in feeling that he doesn't care about your needs. He is also quite disrespectful. Who does he think he is???

    I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship because you are making all the efforts to keep it alive. Why should you give up your job that you love for him? And, why should he always get his way? It's not that you're engaged or married. Even then, it should be more of a compromise. Think about it.

  4. #4
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    Agree totally with the others. Please do not move in with him or make career or financial sacrifices to be with him. Do you two talk about marriage in any real way? Do you want to marry him?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about the frustrations.

    I can see this from a few sides. I certainly can understand you being peeved, but five months is pretty early to consider a new romance in the context of buying a home, so I think it's a lot of expect from someone to be factored into that at that stage. Was living together something you guys talked about when he was house hunting, or was being factored into his thinking just something you hoped?

    The other part of this that's tricky is that you've been living with your parents, so it makes "sense" that you'd spend most of your romantic time at his house, yet that "sense" also creates a kind of imbalance, frustrations with driving, and a dynamic where you come to him but he doesn't come to you. Sounds like you've come to resent that a bit, understandably. Again: Have you spoken to him about wanting to find ways to even things out?

    I suppose my big question is: How much does this all has to do with the respective living situations specifically vs a more general sense that he is really only focused on himself and not the relationship? If it's thatówell, that's not good. If you suspect his view of partnership is you hitching on to his train, as opposed to building a train together, it might be time to rethink this relationship or have some very real talks about what you need so you can see how he reacts to that.

  7. #6
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    I thought he changed his mind?

    Why do you continue yo date him?. Problem after problem.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So you've known him now for two years, and you can clearly see how he regularly behaves and if he makes you a priority or not.

    Yes, he was apparently at the age and had the means to purchase a home. If I'd been in his shoes, I would've thought: I've known this woman for 5 months and it's going great. I'll hold off on the house, because if we end up longterm, we can buy a house together and she can be in on the decision.

    Why did he move next to his parents? What kind of relationship does he have with them? Do you get along with them?

    You enabled the one-sided relationship, so take ownership of your mistakes to learn from them. I don't know why you couldn't often meet halfway for dinner, or to take a walk in a park, or go to the movies. Is there nothing in the middle of your towns to do?

    If you'd sat back and let him make some effort, he might've come through, and if he hadn't, why wouldn't you have said a lot sooner than now: Clearly I'm not a priority, and so I'm going to seek a better partner elsewhere.

    You've allowed yourself to be a doormat. And when you have a discussion, he doesn't have any empathy for your point of view. He's running the show, and he's telling you that if you can't be on board for everything that suits him just fine, tough.

    Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. A human's brain doesn't fully form in the decision making area until age 25. I think you're beginning to realize this isn't how you want to be treated by a significant other, and for good reason. Why sacrifice a good job for an unsatisfying relationship? As the saying goes, "Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you."

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Never give up your job for a man nor anybody! Retain your job which you love and hang onto to it permanently! You're saving money while living with your parents. Never give up a great arrangement.

    You're always doing all the exhausting driving while he does not. Then he buys a house an hour away from where you live. Don't move in with him! No, he doesn't care about your needs nor inconvenience.

    Whenever he becomes defensive and turns it around on you, he is gaslighting you. Google the word "gaslighting" which is the oldest psychological warfare trick in the book. I've heard it all. It's a nasty way to manipulate all arguments and conversations. Gaslighting is the perpetrator's way of forcing you to change your perception and convincing you that YOU are the crazy one, not the perpetrator! Never fall into a gaslighter's trap! Beware.

    What to do? You need to dump him!

    In the future, be with a man who knows how to respect and honor you sincerely.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Honestly, no. He should buy a house where he wants to buy a house. You're fine working with that or you're not. I would never advise someone to center their decision on where to buy property on someone they'd seen less than two years. And I'd never tell someone in your position that you're beholden to him despite his move. Certainly not to leave your job and family for him. Neither of you are a stage in the relationship you should be compromising life goals and progress. This is the stuff incompatibility is made of. I'd quit arguing, and if this arrangement doesn't work, move onto greener pastures within your actual area.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Never give up a good job for a man, especially one where your relationship has already been full of conflict and uncertainty and you've already broken up once. In fact, I'd say stop wasting any more time on him. This is not an equal relationship and never was. You both don't see eye to eye. You are just twisting yourself into a pretzel to be with him. Stop it.

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