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Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend


CrimsonRose

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I really need some advice for what to do. I will try and make this as short an explanation as possible.

 

I am 26 years old, and my boyfriend (who is 34) and I have been dating for one year and eleven months.

When we first started seeing each other he lived one hour away apart. Because he lived on his own and I lived with my parents, I was the one making the two hour round trip drive a good 9/10 times.

 

Five months into our relationship he mentioned he was looking to buy a house. I got excited because it was an opportunity for him to move closer to me. Instead he chose to move to another town, directly next door to his parents, who are also one hour away from where my parents live.

 

My job is in the town where my parents live, and I am still the one driving two hours everytime we see each other, including on days when I work an 8 hour shift, making my work day ten hours long. It stresses me out.

He wants me to move in soon, and now I’m stuck with the reality that I either have to look for a job closer to his house (I love my job and I don’t want to leave), or stay working where I do, but drive ten hours a week for work.

 

I have brought this up to him numerous times, how I wish he would have taken me into consideration when he bought a house. I feel as though he doesn’t care what my needs are. When I bring it up he becomes defensive and turns it around on me. He has even said I overreact and over think everything.

 

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

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Don't move in with him. Please.

 

It's clear that he's not as serious about your relationship as you are. Otherwise, he would have consulted you about his move. Why don't you stop driving to see him? Would he start driving to see you? You've trained him that you're willing to let him use you as a doormat. Stop doing that.

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I am sorry to say this but your bf is self-centered, controlling and selfish. I understand that you live with your parents but he should, IMHO, make an effort to see you more often. You don't have to make it a sexual thing every time, (assuming you have an intimate relationship). He could drive up to see you and you can plan some activities in your town. You're right in feeling that he doesn't care about your needs. He is also quite disrespectful. Who does he think he is???

 

I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship because you are making all the efforts to keep it alive. Why should you give up your job that you love for him? And, why should he always get his way? It's not that you're engaged or married. Even then, it should be more of a compromise. Think about it.

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Sorry about the frustrations.

 

I can see this from a few sides. I certainly can understand you being peeved, but five months is pretty early to consider a new romance in the context of buying a home, so I think it's a lot of expect from someone to be factored into that at that stage. Was living together something you guys talked about when he was house hunting, or was being factored into his thinking just something you hoped?

 

The other part of this that's tricky is that you've been living with your parents, so it makes "sense" that you'd spend most of your romantic time at his house, yet that "sense" also creates a kind of imbalance, frustrations with driving, and a dynamic where you come to him but he doesn't come to you. Sounds like you've come to resent that a bit, understandably. Again: Have you spoken to him about wanting to find ways to even things out?

 

I suppose my big question is: How much does this all has to do with the respective living situations specifically vs a more general sense that he is really only focused on himself and not the relationship? If it's that—well, that's not good. If you suspect his view of partnership is you hitching on to his train, as opposed to building a train together, it might be time to rethink this relationship or have some very real talks about what you need so you can see how he reacts to that.

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So you've known him now for two years, and you can clearly see how he regularly behaves and if he makes you a priority or not.

 

Yes, he was apparently at the age and had the means to purchase a home. If I'd been in his shoes, I would've thought: I've known this woman for 5 months and it's going great. I'll hold off on the house, because if we end up longterm, we can buy a house together and she can be in on the decision.

 

Why did he move next to his parents? What kind of relationship does he have with them? Do you get along with them?

 

You enabled the one-sided relationship, so take ownership of your mistakes to learn from them. I don't know why you couldn't often meet halfway for dinner, or to take a walk in a park, or go to the movies. Is there nothing in the middle of your towns to do?

 

If you'd sat back and let him make some effort, he might've come through, and if he hadn't, why wouldn't you have said a lot sooner than now: Clearly I'm not a priority, and so I'm going to seek a better partner elsewhere.

 

You've allowed yourself to be a doormat. And when you have a discussion, he doesn't have any empathy for your point of view. He's running the show, and he's telling you that if you can't be on board for everything that suits him just fine, tough.

 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. A human's brain doesn't fully form in the decision making area until age 25. I think you're beginning to realize this isn't how you want to be treated by a significant other, and for good reason. Why sacrifice a good job for an unsatisfying relationship? As the saying goes, "Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you."

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Never give up your job for a man nor anybody! Retain your job which you love and hang onto to it permanently! You're saving money while living with your parents. Never give up a great arrangement.

 

You're always doing all the exhausting driving while he does not. Then he buys a house an hour away from where you live. Don't move in with him! No, he doesn't care about your needs nor inconvenience.

 

Whenever he becomes defensive and turns it around on you, he is gaslighting you. Google the word "gaslighting" which is the oldest psychological warfare trick in the book. I've heard it all. It's a nasty way to manipulate all arguments and conversations. Gaslighting is the perpetrator's way of forcing you to change your perception and convincing you that YOU are the crazy one, not the perpetrator! Never fall into a gaslighter's trap! Beware.

 

What to do? You need to dump him!

 

In the future, be with a man who knows how to respect and honor you sincerely.

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Honestly, no. He should buy a house where he wants to buy a house. You're fine working with that or you're not. I would never advise someone to center their decision on where to buy property on someone they'd seen less than two years. And I'd never tell someone in your position that you're beholden to him despite his move. Certainly not to leave your job and family for him. Neither of you are a stage in the relationship you should be compromising life goals and progress. This is the stuff incompatibility is made of. I'd quit arguing, and if this arrangement doesn't work, move onto greener pastures within your actual area.

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Never give up a good job for a man, especially one where your relationship has already been full of conflict and uncertainty and you've already broken up once. In fact, I'd say stop wasting any more time on him. This is not an equal relationship and never was. You both don't see eye to eye. You are just twisting yourself into a pretzel to be with him. Stop it.

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I’d have to agree with j.man here. Given you did not buy the house with him and you had only been dating 5 months, he had no obligation to consult you about where to buy property. I certainly would not. It’d be different if you were engaged and were starting to build a life together. I have to ask why though did you bend over backwards for all of the following months? It’s legitimate to not feel like driving so far every time, but he’s not going anywhere. I’d ask myself if this is truly worth it for you, but I’d hesitate to call him selfish or inconsiderate.

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I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.

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I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.

 

I don't understand during this whole relationship why you could not have sometimes suggested meeting for dinner halfway in between during the workweek or have him come pick YOU up for a date at least every few weeks. If you only want to drive to see him because you can have sex with him, whereas you can't do it when he comes to you =- then i don't know what to tell you.

 

you said buying a house the same distance away or farther would put a strain on things- but you proved that was not true because you were willing to drive 2 hours round trip. So it holds no weight.

 

Why are you driving 10 hours a week? Why are you driving to see him 5 times? mix it up. Invite him out to go to a cool new restaurant midway. Talk about something cool happening near your parents house and plan to go together.

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I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.

 

Because he really doesn't care.

 

I agree with the doormat bit. It is clearly one-sided. I don't understand why you persist with this.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as you are. Eventually you'll need to get your own place one way or the other. Do not depend on him as a segue going from living with parents to living with a bf, never living on your own. Now that you work full time there is no excuse to still live with parents.

 

What can you do? The only option is not driving to him. You're doing that to yourself, but blaming him. Last time he invited you to move in and you gave notice etc, he reneged on it, so his words of 'move in" seem quite empty. Besides he can have you driving to him, he doesn't care. What to do? It depends on how long you plan on driving to him and letting him jerk you around.

 

My advice remains the same as the last thread on this topic: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555254&page=2&p=7065120&viewfull=1#post7065120

I am 26 years old and I lived with my parents

My job is in the town where my parents live, and I am still the one driving two hours everytime we see each other, including on days when I work an 8 hour shift, making my work day ten hours long. It stresses me out.

When I bring it up he becomes defensive and turns it around on me.

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I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.

 

He's unbothered because he's not the one doing it. It's simple human nature - cause and effect. I think both of you seem to be at different stages in your life and this is just the tip of the iceberg or a the largest straw that breaks the camel's back. I'd acknowledge those differences and try and respect each others' decisions.

 

Here are things you CAN control:

-how often you visit him or go over

-where you meet for dates

 

This isn't completely over and I don't think it warrants throwing the towel in if you're both enjoying each others' company. The relationship has gone stale with the same old routine of you going over. Next time agree to meet somewhere else for a date (in public) and go home your separate ways. If he wants to see you, ask him to come out your way. Don't spend as many nights with him as you usually do. You can be tactful about it and simply hint that the regular distance on work days is too much for you and you need rest.

 

I don't advise bringing up his new house except to congratulate him and support him in his new purchase. Be positive in your approaches and start thinking smart (constructive not destructive) towards the things that annoy you. Try dealing with the problem head on: it's not about the distance. It's about how often you're going over without bringing the relationship on more equal terms. If he doesn't have a way of visiting you out your way (no access to a vehicle and no public transit), that's it. Move on. Keep your body, mind and wellbeing intact. You'll have your answer sooner rather than later. Start taking care of your body and mind better. You need rest. Stop running yourself into the ground.

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Ok so we are only getting your side of the story. So what is his reasoning to buy a house close to his parents? I think that if you two were married with children this would be very convenient for babysitting. Are his parents elderly? he's thinking that some day he will have to take care of some of their needs? Maybe he's very close to his parents. Now here's my view on this. He has only known you for 2 years, there is no ring on your finger, you both haven't lived together yet. Why would he just throw caution into the wind, and buy a house close to you and your parents? That's a pretty big expectation. What if things don't work out? He will be stuck with a house in an place where he really didn't want to live. Buying a house is a big investment. You finding a job closer is a hell of a lot easier than him up rooting for you because you love your job. So this is you saying " I love my job why should I have to make that sacrifice for him?" Well same with him, why should he sacrifice moving closer to you if he wanted to be closer to his parents, or he simply loves the area, and wants to raise a family there.

 

So there you go. You don't want to relocate for your reasons, and he doesn't want to locate there for his reasons. Since it's his money, his down payment going on that house, then he's got all the cards here. You can pout about this all you want and call him an a hole.....it's on you to accept or dump him.

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I am betting that you only said "if we don't live closer, it puts a strain on me" one time as a comment. I am betting you never invited him to something in your neck of the woods, or did halfsies.

 

I don't think he doesn't care. I think you have established that you were willing to drive from the word go because YOU do not want him to come to your parents' house because there will be no making out/sex when he come over (and besides, you could actually go on a date and not sit around.

 

You have the choice of moving out of your parents house somewhere thats a little closer to him but still a reasonable commute to work and that would solve your problem of him being able to sleep over. you have the choice of not being so quick to always jump and invite him over and not care that you live with your folks. Or you have the choice of continuing what you do and grumbling about it.

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I am betting that you only said "if we don't live closer, it puts a strain on me" one time as a comment. I am betting you never invited him to something in your neck of the woods, or did halfsies.

 

I don't think he doesn't care. I think you have established that you were willing to drive from the word go because YOU do not want him to come to your parents' house because there will be no making out/sex when he come over (and besides, you could actually go on a date and not sit around.

 

You have the choice of moving out of your parents house somewhere thats a little closer to him but still a reasonable commute to work and that would solve your problem of him being able to sleep over. you have the choice of not being so quick to always jump and invite him over and not care that you live with your folks. Or you have the choice of continuing what you do and grumbling about it.

Once upon a time, I lived about an hour away from a bigger city, and this is exactly what I did. I had roommates, and honestly they were pretty filthy, nosy, and altogether not the kind of people I'd wanna subject a girlfriend to. And if I were living with my parents, I frankly couldn't in good conscience expect someone to make two-hour round trips for a dinner date.

 

In any case, I preferred going out to her rather than the other way around. It was likewise an hour-long drive, but we had a lot more comfort and privacy at her place. Plus, in recognition of the effort I put in driving, she was very accommodating both with me as a guest in her home as well as insisting on covering most bills. I never got the sense that it was lopsided just for myself having driven. Don't know the OP's situation as there's a big difference between returning the effort in other ways and expecting her to pick up a pizza and beer on her way over, but I'm hesitant to call it inherently selfish in any situation, never mind when she doesn't even have a place of her own on her end of the route.

 

All that said, that was the last time I dated someone an hour away. You're inevitably going to land on the very same issues the OP is facing. An hour a way generally isn't sustainable unless you're having weekend sleepovers. Why the OP is doing it 5 days a week is well beyond me. If she's doing it because she wants to (likely to escape the household), she's got no one to blame but herself. And if he's asking her to, she's gotta put a hard stop to that. Once it inevitably comes down to one of you moving in with the other or relocating to be closer to the other, who bears that burden?

 

Again, in this case, it's quite difficult to feel bad for the OP when she's upset he didn't put 20% down on a property near her so that he could be her lily-pad to jump to while keeping the benefit of her job and proximity to family.

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I do see your point. I think I am just feeling resentful because of all the driving I’ve done (it’s expensive, stressful, and takes up 2 hours of my day) while he makes the drive to where I am maybe three times a year. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s also his reaction when I bring this up that has me concerned. He doesn’t have to agree with the way I feel, but he should show respect and courtesy for my concerns the way that I do his. I do see your point though. I can’t expect him to sacrifice for me, while I refuse to do the same.

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