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Thread: Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ok so we are only getting your side of the story. So what is his reasoning to buy a house close to his parents? I think that if you two were married with children this would be very convenient for babysitting. Are his parents elderly? he's thinking that some day he will have to take care of some of their needs? Maybe he's very close to his parents. Now here's my view on this. He has only known you for 2 years, there is no ring on your finger, you both haven't lived together yet. Why would he just throw caution into the wind, and buy a house close to you and your parents? That's a pretty big expectation. What if things don't work out? He will be stuck with a house in an place where he really didn't want to live. Buying a house is a big investment. You finding a job closer is a hell of a lot easier than him up rooting for you because you love your job. So this is you saying " I love my job why should I have to make that sacrifice for him?" Well same with him, why should he sacrifice moving closer to you if he wanted to be closer to his parents, or he simply loves the area, and wants to raise a family there.

    So there you go. You don't want to relocate for your reasons, and he doesn't want to locate there for his reasons. Since it's his money, his down payment going on that house, then he's got all the cards here. You can pout about this all you want and call him an a hole.....it's on you to accept or dump him.

  2. #22
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    I am betting that you only said "if we don't live closer, it puts a strain on me" one time as a comment. I am betting you never invited him to something in your neck of the woods, or did halfsies.

    I don't think he doesn't care. I think you have established that you were willing to drive from the word go because YOU do not want him to come to your parents' house because there will be no making out/sex when he come over (and besides, you could actually go on a date and not sit around.

    You have the choice of moving out of your parents house somewhere thats a little closer to him but still a reasonable commute to work and that would solve your problem of him being able to sleep over. you have the choice of not being so quick to always jump and invite him over and not care that you live with your folks. Or you have the choice of continuing what you do and grumbling about it.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I am betting that you only said "if we don't live closer, it puts a strain on me" one time as a comment. I am betting you never invited him to something in your neck of the woods, or did halfsies.

    I don't think he doesn't care. I think you have established that you were willing to drive from the word go because YOU do not want him to come to your parents' house because there will be no making out/sex when he come over (and besides, you could actually go on a date and not sit around.

    You have the choice of moving out of your parents house somewhere thats a little closer to him but still a reasonable commute to work and that would solve your problem of him being able to sleep over. you have the choice of not being so quick to always jump and invite him over and not care that you live with your folks. Or you have the choice of continuing what you do and grumbling about it.
    Once upon a time, I lived about an hour away from a bigger city, and this is exactly what I did. I had roommates, and honestly they were pretty filthy, nosy, and altogether not the kind of people I'd wanna subject a girlfriend to. And if I were living with my parents, I frankly couldn't in good conscience expect someone to make two-hour round trips for a dinner date.

    In any case, I preferred going out to her rather than the other way around. It was likewise an hour-long drive, but we had a lot more comfort and privacy at her place. Plus, in recognition of the effort I put in driving, she was very accommodating both with me as a guest in her home as well as insisting on covering most bills. I never got the sense that it was lopsided just for myself having driven. Don't know the OP's situation as there's a big difference between returning the effort in other ways and expecting her to pick up a pizza and beer on her way over, but I'm hesitant to call it inherently selfish in any situation, never mind when she doesn't even have a place of her own on her end of the route.

    All that said, that was the last time I dated someone an hour away. You're inevitably going to land on the very same issues the OP is facing. An hour a way generally isn't sustainable unless you're having weekend sleepovers. Why the OP is doing it 5 days a week is well beyond me. If she's doing it because she wants to (likely to escape the household), she's got no one to blame but herself. And if he's asking her to, she's gotta put a hard stop to that. Once it inevitably comes down to one of you moving in with the other or relocating to be closer to the other, who bears that burden?

    Again, in this case, it's quite difficult to feel bad for the OP when she's upset he didn't put 20% down on a property near her so that he could be her lily-pad to jump to while keeping the benefit of her job and proximity to family.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Tbh, I think it's time to move on. He hasn't lived up to your expectations so why bother keeping the relationship?

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  6. #25
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    I do see your point. I think I am just feeling resentful because of all the driving Iíve done (itís expensive, stressful, and takes up 2 hours of my day) while he makes the drive to where I am maybe three times a year. It just doesnít feel right. Itís also his reaction when I bring this up that has me concerned. He doesnít have to agree with the way I feel, but he should show respect and courtesy for my concerns the way that I do his. I do see your point though. I canít expect him to sacrifice for me, while I refuse to do the same.

  7. #26
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    If anyone is wondering why I donít have a place of my own, rent is seriously expensive in California. A one bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month minimum. I make that much a month. After paying my car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, phone bill payments, spending on gas and food, I have about $300 left.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I do see your point. I think I am just feeling resentful because of all the driving Iíve done (itís expensive, stressful, and takes up 2 hours of my day) while he makes the drive to where I am maybe three times a year. It just doesnít feel right. Itís also his reaction when I bring this up that has me concerned. He doesnít have to agree with the way I feel, but he should show respect and courtesy for my concerns the way that I do his. I do see your point though. I canít expect him to sacrifice for me, while I refuse to do the same.
    And why does he not? does he not have any opportunity to because you always come to him?

    Did you say "wow. this is a lot of wear and tear on my car" and still travel as usual, or did you say "hey, i heard about this great new reference in townhalfwayinbetween. Let's do it this week. will tuesday or thursday be better for you?" and get the guy to move and he said "nope, i hate driving". Or do you ever say "my car is acting funny. i am not going to be able to drive out today" and then he doesn't see you for three weeks because you don't go there?

    he could be seeing moving in together as solving your commute issue.

    Lay it on the table. "i drive 2 hours each time when we want to see eachother. I spend x in gas per week. i would like it better if you reciprocated. "

  9. #28
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    I like that idea.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    If anyone is wondering why I donít have a place of my own, rent is seriously expensive in California. A one bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month minimum. I make that much a month. After paying my car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, phone bill payments, spending on gas and food, I have about $300 left.
    I live in the Vancouver area so I know. A one bedroom condo 20 miles outside of downtown is $1800. But you do what everyone else does, get roommates and look for a basement suite, which should be cheaper. When I was you age I worked two jobs and did house keeping on the side. Ya did what ya had to do.

  11. #30
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that the power in a relationship lies within the person who needs it the least. Having said that, why give him that power and what's in it for you?

    I'm sorry, but you're better off reading the writing on the wall.

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