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Thread: Feeling invalidated by my boyfriend

  1. #11
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Stop bending backwards for a selfish and inconsiderate guy. You're the one that lets him invalidate you.

  2. #12
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Id have to agree with j.man here. Given you did not buy the house with him and you had only been dating 5 months, he had no obligation to consult you about where to buy property. I certainly would not. Itd be different if you were engaged and were starting to build a life together. I have to ask why though did you bend over backwards for all of the following months? Its legitimate to not feel like driving so far every time, but hes not going anywhere. Id ask myself if this is truly worth it for you, but Id hesitate to call him selfish or inconsiderate.

  3. #13
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    I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.
    I don't understand during this whole relationship why you could not have sometimes suggested meeting for dinner halfway in between during the workweek or have him come pick YOU up for a date at least every few weeks. If you only want to drive to see him because you can have sex with him, whereas you can't do it when he comes to you =- then i don't know what to tell you.

    you said buying a house the same distance away or farther would put a strain on things- but you proved that was not true because you were willing to drive 2 hours round trip. So it holds no weight.

    Why are you driving 10 hours a week? Why are you driving to see him 5 times? mix it up. Invite him out to go to a cool new restaurant midway. Talk about something cool happening near your parents house and plan to go together.

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  6. #15
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    Do you fear if you don't drive to see him...you'd never see him?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.
    Because he really doesn't care.

    I agree with the doormat bit. It is clearly one-sided. I don't understand why you persist with this.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you fear if you don't drive to see him...you'd never see him?
    This is exactly what will happen.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as you are. Eventually you'll need to get your own place one way or the other. Do not depend on him as a segue going from living with parents to living with a bf, never living on your own. Now that you work full time there is no excuse to still live with parents.

    What can you do? The only option is not driving to him. You're doing that to yourself, but blaming him. Last time he invited you to move in and you gave notice etc, he reneged on it, so his words of 'move in" seem quite empty. Besides he can have you driving to him, he doesn't care. What to do? It depends on how long you plan on driving to him and letting him jerk you around.

    My advice remains the same as the last thread on this topic: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I am 26 years old and I lived with my parents
    My job is in the town where my parents live, and I am still the one driving two hours everytime we see each other, including on days when I work an 8 hour shift, making my work day ten hours long. It stresses me out.
    When I bring it up he becomes defensive and turns it around on me.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He sounds like a mommas boy.......let's you do most of the work in the relationship (driving), and moved close to the parents but away from you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I understand that we had only been dating for five months, however I let him know that if he chose to move where he did, it would put an immense amount of strain on our relationship. He did it anyways and I was right... it has done nothing beneficial for us as a couple. I drive ten hours a week and spends hundreds on gas every month. The commute drains me of energy, and he seems unbothered by this.
    He's unbothered because he's not the one doing it. It's simple human nature - cause and effect. I think both of you seem to be at different stages in your life and this is just the tip of the iceberg or a the largest straw that breaks the camel's back. I'd acknowledge those differences and try and respect each others' decisions.

    Here are things you CAN control:
    -how often you visit him or go over
    -where you meet for dates

    This isn't completely over and I don't think it warrants throwing the towel in if you're both enjoying each others' company. The relationship has gone stale with the same old routine of you going over. Next time agree to meet somewhere else for a date (in public) and go home your separate ways. If he wants to see you, ask him to come out your way. Don't spend as many nights with him as you usually do. You can be tactful about it and simply hint that the regular distance on work days is too much for you and you need rest.

    I don't advise bringing up his new house except to congratulate him and support him in his new purchase. Be positive in your approaches and start thinking smart (constructive not destructive) towards the things that annoy you. Try dealing with the problem head on: it's not about the distance. It's about how often you're going over without bringing the relationship on more equal terms. If he doesn't have a way of visiting you out your way (no access to a vehicle and no public transit), that's it. Move on. Keep your body, mind and wellbeing intact. You'll have your answer sooner rather than later. Start taking care of your body and mind better. You need rest. Stop running yourself into the ground.

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