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Thread: Uncomfortable comments

  1. #1

    Uncomfortable comments

    I work with a girl and I need some advice. Iím married sheís married and I have no interest. But I do like her. she says nice things about me so I say nice things about her and for the most part it just feels uplifting. Positive if you like. An example she say...your emails are real witty, youíre intelligent. Iím blown away you know all this. I say things like I bow to youíre awesomeness. Youíre the best. Youre really good at this. So a couple of weeks ago I may have overstepped the boundary. I was on call for my job and I had to ask her some questions via email and phone and it was pretty late. she gave me some extra information and I said ďyouíre a sweetheartĒ thank you. This was at 1 am so Iím kinda tired. I did look this phrase up and it seems fairly platonic. Iím uk born so I catch American phrases sometimes and just use them. Anyway the next day it was Saturday still on call I sent her a text asking for help again. She called me and I got some questions answered then she starts telling me what sheís actually doing this weekend. Apparently setting up her sisters house with a 4 hr drive because her sister is getting out of prison. I felt real guilty about bugging her since Iím fairly resourceful I didnít really need her to answer questions. It just makes it quicker. I just didnít know. So I pretty much ended the conversation quite quickly so she could do her things. I didnít bother her for the rest of the weekend. But i Did write her a note so I leave it there on her keyboard for Monday when she get in it basically went like this Ēfirst of all you look fantastic, uhm Iím sorry I couldnít do the goods out note, because i didnít have password accessĒ. It was a Saturday and I donít really pay attention to ho people look in the morning especially Monday. Now before you judge harshly She did ask me how she looked a month ago on Halloween so I thought that was good terms with that. She got the note Monday. And didnít say anything about it. But after the note it Was mid morning and I went into her office started chatting and I asked about her sister weekend etc. Well she broke down in tears telling me personal stuff. It seemed like she was comfortable around me. It felt comfortable, trusting. It felt nice for the most part. I donít think I would cry in front of someone if I didnít trust them or felt uncomfortable around them. Well the rest of the week went fairly Normal. But the week after I went on vacation and when I got back from vacation Iím only 4 minutes in the door and She emailed me telling me that some of the comments texts and notes I made are making her uncomfortable. So bad timing really beacause when I got back from vacation I got sick. So I told her im not sure how to respond to this because my entire body and mind feel like crap. Sorry will talk later. I took the next day off coz I was sick and when I got back I wrote her An email first thing thanks for bringing this to me directly Iím sorry for the comments texts notes I made if you could set aside some time today Iíd like to go over them. I will listen. She didnít respond, but when she did talk to me later on that day she seemed real happy. So at this point should I approach the subject again or should I walk on eggshells. I canít quite figure why she would email me in the first place. if itís that important why leave me hangin? Uggh women Maybe I should see a therapist. Can anyone explain her behavior? maybe something to do with husband?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think you should approach this subject at all. Let your actions do all the talking. You need to stop getting too chummy at the workplace, switch gears by keeping things kindly distant, polite and professional. You don't need to see a therapist. She does though due to her personal problems and stress. And, both of you are married! Confide to your spouses because that's why you married them!

    I would send a polite email telling her that from now on, both of you will remain cordial while enforcing respectful, healthy boundaries. Remind her that both of you are married. Therefore, both of you will turn to your respective spouses for emotional and personal support. Keep it short and simple. Hopefully, she'll get your message loud and clear and take the hint!

    No more cutsie labels such as "sweetheart," sugary syrupy compliments and gushing camaraderie. Don't get personal. Be careful with your words both verbal and written. Remain polite and businesslike with your verbal and written words. You're the one who needs to readjust and exercise discretion in order for her to get the message to back off. You can still be kind but know where to draw the line. She should get the message and hopefully she'll begin to behave properly.

    It's time to be honorable and show respect to your wife and her husband even when those two spouses are not looking over your and your colleague's shoulders. Both of you need to start behaving honorably at the workplace and out of respect for your wife and her husband. Make a conscientious effort always.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    There is a difference between being polite and being friendly. You don't seem to understand the difference between the two.

    There is also something called boundaries and making sure you don't cross them. You are weaving in and out of the boundaries.
    Perhaps you are behaving this way based on reacting to her, if so, you are obviously taking her the wrong way and interpreting her behavior as something far more personal than it is meant to be.

    That being said, she too is giving off confusing messages and behaving in unprofessional ways.

    You are both grown adults. The work place is not meant to be somewhere to be sociable or to walking fine lines on how you behave with a coworker.
    It is meant to be a professional setting and both of you are creating a type of awkward and uncomfortable situation that I am sure neither of your spouses would be too happy with.

    There is no need for any explanations. Not given or received.
    You should take her message as saying she's not comfortable as reason enough to now back off.
    If she tries to become friendly again, remain at arms length and business like.
    She seems to be going hot and cold and giving confusing messages.
    I doubt you'd be happy if she went to your boss and complained of harassment or told your wife the same.

    Your best bet is to stay away from her and to keep it professional.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's time to be honorable and show respect to your wife and her husband even when those two spouses are not looking over your and your colleague's shoulders.
    Absolutely! Honorable being the key word here. Stop playing around with your co worker. You do know better, even if you're pretending you do not.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The notion that someone else is interesting to you and vice versa might be worth pursuing in therapy. You may feel devalued, angry, resentful and neglected in your marriage. Those are all issues you should be dealing with instead of writing love notes and leaving them on someone's desk at work.

    I hope you realize this is very risky behaviour at work because those items can be traced directly to you as evidence for harassment and inappropriate behaviour. She could even have blind copied HR in the email she sent to you. It has a date and time stamp and she also has the handwritten note you sent to her. Surrounding coworkers would also be able to witness or attest to the note on her desk if it was in open view for the whole office or anyone passing by. Someone might have even teased her about it or discovered it that Mon morning before she did. Did you think of those things before you decided to write her flirty note?

    No more emails anymore. No more notes. Don't approach her and keep things professional. She's a mess in her private life and that's her business. Don't be manipulative about your calls for answers outside of business hours anymore either. You should resume therapy if you're still seeing a therapist. None of these behaviours are good news for you. Don't continue on this path.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would not pursue the subject any further. The last you saw she was happy, so leave it there. She was relieved to have told you and your response was not defensive--so good job, and let it go.

    You don't need to walk on eggshells, just don't write her any more messages, don't comment on her appearance, and don't call her endearing names. Just stick to her real name, keep your dealings with her professional, and keep your behavior as you would behave in her husband's presence. You'll be fine.

    Head high, we all need to live through stuff to learn it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others: no emails and no explanation. Your actions will speak louder than words. Act like a gentleman. Exercise restraint, remain polite, kind yet distant and professional. And, remember both of you are married. Save your emotional and personal support, endearments and closeness for your respective spouses. Behave honorably. Hopefully, your colleague will get the message and start behaving properly as well.

  9. #8
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    There is no need to go over anything else, OP.

    She had made it clear that it needs to stop. Probing it further is going to make it worse, especially as you work together. If you keep it up, she may decide to go over your head and report you to higher-ups. You don't want that. So, just let it go and stop contacting her in any personal capacity. Maybe she enjoyed the attention at first but now feels guilty, or maybe he husband found out she's been getting a little closer to you and she's shutting it all down.

    You need to get real with yourself, man. You claim you have no interest but all your behaviour indicates otherwise. You are married. What are you playing at here?

  10. #9
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    Ok!!
    So you are back pedalling.
    What are you most afraid of? A sexual harassment case or your wife finding out?

    I actually believe you are not interested in this woman , but why behave inappropriately towards her and disrespecting your wife at the same time?

    She asked how she looked on Halloween!!!! Presumably in dress up mode!?
    would you think itís ok to comment on how she looks at any other given time ?

    She knows you did not need to contact her while you were on call. You admitted that to us . So why did you? It certainly sounds from your own words that you are interested.

    It could of course be that she is interested in you and that she was pissed off to hear you had a lovely holiday with your wife ?

    But either way , you were flirtatious with her. Stop doing that and do not reply to an email thread apologising. That is only an admission .

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok another woman was friendly and flirty and it provided an ego boost. You wanted to keep the booster going so in that sense, leaving her notes about her looks was unprofessional and overstepping that boundary.

    You need to scale way back on this. When a woman at work tells you in writing "your notes make me uncomfortable" in the US that is setting the table for a sexual harassment complaint. Leave her alone and only communicate at work and be professional.
    Originally Posted by geomeo123
    I work with a girl.
    Iím married sheís married
    I may have overstepped the boundary.
    a note so I leave it there on her keyboard for Monday when she get in it basically went like this Ēfirst of all you look fantastic, uhm Iím sorry I couldnít do the goods out note, because i didnít have password accessĒ.

    She emailed me telling me that some of the comments texts and notes I made are making her uncomfortable. I canít quite figure why she would email me in the first place.

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