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Thread: Leaving after 14 years......

  1. #1
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    Leaving after 14 years......

    So, I am a 35 year old guy, married for just under 12 years (been with her for 14 years) and I have 2 children aged 10 and 6 and a dog.

    In truth, for at least the last 7 years, the marriage has been a sham. There hasnít been any real love for years, yes I have sex (very occasionally) and we hug and kiss (also very occasionally) but otherwise it has become a massive marriage of convenience.

    My wife would never leave me (I honestly wish she would) from a purely selfish point of view. But I have been suffering with real resentment and mental struggles for the last 2 years or so. I have always said I wouldnít leave my kids etc...... but I am now at a place where I have to think of myself, and my own happiness. I deserve to be happy donít I.

    I have decided I have to leave my wife, and I know it will be the hardest thing in the world, because she wonít believe it until Iíve walked out the door and been gone for a few days. She is very dependent on that fact that I pay all the bills, food shops, etc..... I will leave her all the money that comes in, she can even keep my car, house, possessions etc.... and I will of course always, always support my kids and be there for them.

    But she will have to get used to the fact that she will have to learn how to pay bills, do food shops etc..... I know, itís going to be horrible for her. But I am mentally at breaking point.

    14 years I have given her, 7 of which have been 90% pure miserable, filled with arguing, bullying, nastiness (on both sides)

    Iím not perfect, and I donít claim to be, and this decision will rip the family unit apart, but what is the other option, coping for another year or so and commiting suicide when I canít take it anymore.

    I guess I am using this as a sort of diary / blog, I have decided the separation will happen sometime between 15 jan and 5 feb, there is never a right time, never. But I want to give my kids 1 last Ďnormalí family Christmas and new year.

    Can I get your honest opinions and welcome any questions.

    Thank you

  2. #2
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    What happened when you sat your wife down to discuss your unhappiness and concerns?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are angry and volatile. Never make any moves until you settle down a little and clear your head. It's not worth it and you may misjudge the situation, undercut yourself (the giving away things is a bit over the top and not realistic) or cause more issues and regret for your future self later on.

    Slow down and look into individual counselling if you are set on leaving. You sound like you're also in a lot of pain and carrying some guilt for thinking about separating. Ie. "rip the family unit apart" What you're actually doing is choosing a better future for yourself and your children and hopefully becoming a better father and individual in the process.

    Dial it back a little and process your emotions. Speak with a lawyer and I'd speak to someone who can help you deal with the stress and the guilt of separation if that's what you're feeling.

    If you are looking for a journalling outlet, there's a separate section of the forum for that. Feel free to look around and open one up. There are different kinds for different privacy levels.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is there someone else you're interested in? Your first stop should be with an attorney to discuss your options and the best approach to this. "Just walking out of the house to be happy", sounds like an unwise strategy that will cost you, including the possibility of seeing your kids if you plan on abandonment. Being in a mutually-abusive marriage is a bad choice for your kids.

    You'll have to "continue paying the bills" until the house is sold add to that child support. It's up to the courts who gets what and when you can see your kids and what child support will cost you. See an attorney. Then a therapist. Not to stay in the marriage, but to support you through your decisions.
    Originally Posted by Tezbear
    I am a 35 year old guy, married for just under 12 years have 2 children aged 10 and 6 and a dog.

    I have decided I have to leave my wife, and I know it will be the hardest thing in the world, because she wonít believe it until Iíve walked out the door and been gone for a few days. She is very dependent on that fact that I pay all the bills, food shops, etc..... I will leave her all the money that comes in, she can even keep my car, house, possessions etc.

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    Thanks for replies all. We have had some almighty bust ups to the point Iíve almost gone before, but then she starts the tears, begging, pleading, refusing to let me pack etc...... and it does not happen.

    The guilt and pain I feel are because she is quite a emotionally weak person, so I know it will crush her, but, I need this for me, I know, deep down, I will be a better person for it, and a better father.

    I have been like a volcano bubbling for the last 7 years.

    Iíve suggested counselling etc.... but she wonít have it, never.

  7. #6
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    I should add Iím in the UK -
    And I donít think it would ever get as far as courts etc...... I canít see her stopping me ever seing the children. The practicalities are, she needs the most as she will be full time looking after 2 kids and the house, which is secure rental, so she can stay. Iíll have to worry about my own future like affording to rent a place/room myself, food etc.......

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Tezbear
    Thanks for replies all. We have had some almighty bust ups to the point Iíve almost gone before, but then she starts the tears, begging, pleading, refusing to let me pack etc...... and it does not happen.

    The guilt and pain I feel are because she is quite a emotionally weak person, so I know it will crush her, but, I need this for me, I know, deep down, I will be a better person for it, and a better father.

    I have been like a volcano bubbling for the last 7 years.

    Iíve suggested counselling etc.... but she wonít have it, never.
    But what about sitting her down (NOT during a "bust up") but when you are calm, after the kids are in bed.

    You have done this...correct?

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    Yes have tried that too, but she wonít admit that anything is wrong, she sees it as normal to feel like that when you have a wife and kids. Iím not going to play the blame game, there are 2 sides to every story. But a list of things are.

    I never go out, ever, with mates or anything, on the rare occasion I do (maybe once a year) she makes me feel so guilty about it and orders me not to drink.

    If I have 1 beer, 2 nights in a row, at home, that means I have a drink problem and am a alcoholic to her.

    I am in the wrong about everything, all the time, now, I am a person that will fully admit when I am wrong, call myself a , apologise and move on, the mrs in the other hand has never admitted once, ever, she is wrong about anything. Even trivial things.

    Now Iíve given her everything she has ever wanted, both material things or not.

    Iím just exhausted of being in this
    Miserable unhappy marriage for years and years.

  10. #9
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    Iíve always been a bit old fashioned in the sense that Iíve made my bed, I have to lie in it. And I have a responsibility and duty to stay for my kids.

    But as a friend said the other day, everyone had a breaking point, and you are nearing yours, what happens then. And that you only live once, one shot at life, donít waste it by thinking your being noble or doing the right thing at the expense of your own happiness. And I have to say I agree.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    When I finally left my own bad marriage I walked out the door with nothing but my clothes. Not a fork or even a towel, lol. Similar situation, the ex wife was a stay at home mom and completely dependent on me financially....I had come to a point in my life where ďstuffĒ was of absolutely no value to me so I just gave it all to her.

    I struggled BIG-TIME for a year but held fast to my principles and never missed a child or spousal support payment. Never flaked on my visits with the kids. Divorce is the hardest, most painful thing Iíve ever experienced...

    That said, Iím now almost seven years out and my life is full, and rich and incredibly satisfying. I ended up with full custody of the kids and working a job that provides everything we need. My ex, who was the stereotypical ďwoman spurnedĒ when I left, has put her life together in a very respectable and honorable way; she is fully self supporting and happier than Iíve ever known her to be. We get along GREAT and do family dinners and occasional outings together with the kids.

    I donít give advice but the things that helped me the most once my mind was made up to leave were:
    -Therapy
    -Regular, vigorous exercise
    -Holding fast to honesty, kindness and fulfilling my paternal responsibilities without exception.

    Leaving a marriage/relationship as long as yours isnít something people do lightly and make no mistake about it...itís difficult. But I share my experience to possibly give you a glimmer of hope that things can get better!

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