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Thread: Leaving after 14 years......

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to speak to an attorney, solicitor or whoever can advise you appropriately. That is specific to your situation. They deal with dissolution of marriages all the time, no matter who initiates. That will give you the advice you need for a cohesive exit plan that is least damaging for all involved.

    You will also get more factual information on the division of assets, debt, etc. Thinking of telling your kids first or living in your car but not getting appropriate advice is procrastinating. Keep in mind wishing and hoping she leaves you is another form of procrastinating and doing nothing to improve your situation. If you are thinking of resorting to violence to "get her to leave" perhaps you can live in jail rather than your car?
    Originally Posted by Tezbear
    there is a real lack of online forums for UK specific dads that are leaving

  2. #42
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    Obviously I wouldnít ever resort to violence, it was just another example.

    I will seek professional advice, thank you.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Been following this thread. Sorry about all the emotional turmoilóseems clear as day you're making the right call.

    That said, per the above posts, I think how you make this call, and how you frame it, particularly to yourself, is going to be more important than you can imagine. This is where a professional can be a godsend, kind of like getting a professional cleaner into the house before you sell it. Emotions need to be sorted, in short, so you're not reacting to the most potent of them but instead executing a plan under hard circumstances.

    What concerns me, reading through this, is that there seems to be a deep-seeded belief, combined with a feral giddiness, that ending this is just going to be an extension of the marriage: pain, misery, dysfunctionóa bomb going off, leaving everything destroyed. Keep that as the dominant mindset and you'll do your part in ensuring that outcome, and ensuring that your children view it all as such. Work toward a different mindsetóthat sometimes bombs need to be detonated to rebuild something more functionalóand you start creating a different story, the first step toward realizing it.

    What does your life look like in a year, in five? You need to see that, rather than just these nebulous images of you embracing the one life you live while also maybe sleeping in your car while your wife withers and badmouths you to the children. You need to see what family looks like, in this new form, rather than thinking of this as "breaking" a family. Will your wife come to share that story? Will your kids? Those questions are unanswerable, and will flicker in and our of focus for years, but you need the answer and you need to be stepping toward it, every day, for years, with intention and belief. That's the keel here, and the compass, so essential because things are about to get seriously rough.

    Personally, I hate the phrase "broken home." It's a cheap thing adults say out of fear, judgement, self-absorption, and self-pity. Kids who feel they come from "broken homes" often feel that way because it's how the adults around them framed their own choices. They metabolize the narrative of trauma fed to them by their traumatized guides.

    But divorce does not have to equal that, at all. It wasn't for me, when my parents split, and a lot of that was because my mother (who left my father) had a clear plan and took stepsófor yearsóto keep realizing that plan, regardless of whatever choices my father made. It was an awesome model to grow up around, to say nothing of a warm and loving home that was often a refuge for my friends who lived in "non-broken" homes stitched together by miserable marriages. I learned that selflessness and self-empowerment can go hand in hand, and the hardest realities of life can be confronted with grace, fortitude, and boundless love. I'm grateful, not traumatized, and had I had the language I would have said that at age 10.

    You say you'd never resort to violence or suicide, and I believe that, but the fact that you're mentioning those things shows just how volatile your emotions are right now. The adult thing to do is recognize that volatility as unproductive, and treat it, so you don't even have the option of indulging that mindset as the waves get choppy.

  4. #44
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    Thank you bluecastle, I appreciate the detailed, well thought out response 🙂

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  6. #45

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    Some Thoughts from a lurker here for some time....( 2years)

    1. Reflect to yourself the fact, that 14 yrs have passed and you re unable to communicate effectively with your wife.
    2. Everybody is disobedient, learn to live with it. Everybody is because they owe it to their self. The same goes with me. I dont do what i am told, unless i choose to.
    3. Your wife doesn't do what she hears from your mouth. There is a reason for that. You have no idea what is. Everybody makes sense all the time. You r just unaware.
    4. All the guilt trip she enacts etc protests to the fact that you can not listen to her. See her reality.
    5. It is natural for the resentment to build up. She envies the financial you have build for yourself, while she stayed inside for your children. You lost the feeling because she is passive. And she is passive because the deal you have all those years is unfair for her. She is passive because thats is the only weapon she has. She is gonna make you suffer until you love her.


    If you need 7 yrs to realize that there is no love in your life, you can asssume you r gonna need a lot to understand what is love.

    Life is always easier when there is someone around to blame. You even wish for her to have a rebound to cope with the inevitable divorce. It is not for her dude. It is for you to feel less guilt.

    For a candle to fire, there has to be a breathing room. You have sucked it for years. You drained the life of her. NOW she is passive. She lost hope. She justs survives. Hibernation.

    Those are more reliable reaasons for the Divorce. You reap what you sow. You r a narcissist .The fact that you recognize its going to be hard for her, is not empathy.

    You critize her. You do not respect her. The Gun is already loaded. You seek validation for your choice.

    Be kind to yourslelf.

    The world is only what someone can project to it, by making choices that would make a difference.
    Thats what it means for someone, the phrase " making a better world". It doesnt mean that in fact becomes better. Just the perspective tha he has.


    If the divorce is something for you, that attest to the above, then go for it.

    Personally, i dont buy it. Because you critize her. You dont need that when the first applies.

    I hope the best for you, your wife and your children foremost.

  7. #46

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    Originally Posted by tokopi
    Some Thoughts from a lurker here for some time....( 2years)

    1. Reflect to yourself the fact, that 14 yrs have passed and you re unable to communicate effectively with your wife.
    2. Everybody is disobedient, learn to live with it. Everybody is because they owe it to their self. The same goes with me. I dont do what i am told, unless i choose to.
    3. Your wife doesn't do what she hears from your mouth. There is a reason for that. You have no idea what is. Everybody makes sense all the time. You r just unaware.
    4. All the guilt trip she enacts etc protests to the fact that you can not listen to her. See her reality.
    5. It is natural for the resentment to build up. She envies the financial you have build for yourself, while she stayed inside for your children. You lost the feeling because she is passive. And she is passive because the deal you have all those years is unfair for her. She is passive because thats is the only weapon she has. She is gonna make you suffer until you love her.


    If you need 7 yrs to realize that there is no love in your life, you can asssume you r gonna need a lot to understand what is love.

    Life is always easier when there is someone around to blame. You even wish for her to have a rebound to cope with the inevitable divorce. It is not for her dude. It is for you to feel less guilt.

    For a candle to fire, there has to be a breathing room. You have sucked it for years. You drained the life of her. NOW she is passive. She lost hope. She justs survives. Hibernation.

    Those are more reliable reaasons for the Divorce. You reap what you sow. You r a narcissist .The fact that you recognize its going to be hard for her, is not empathy.

    You critize her. You do not respect her. The Gun is already loaded. You seek validation for your choice.

    Be kind to yourslelf.

    The world is only what someone can project to it, by making choices that would make a difference.
    Thats what it means for someone, the phrase " making a better world". It doesnt mean that in fact becomes better. Just the perspective tha he has.


    If the divorce is something for you, that attest to the above, then go for it.

    Personally, i dont buy it. Because you critize her. You dont need that when the first applies.

    I hope the best for you, your wife and your children foremost.

    edit: that is my opinion only, you choose the value in it.

  8. #47
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    I must say the narcissist comment is funny, you obv donít know me at all.

    As for i criticise her, well, thatís my opinion, and my side of the story. And I stopped at 3-4 points, I could have said 10-15 points easily, as I am sure she could, maybe, about me. I never said I was perfect.

    As for Iíve drained the life off her, seriously, Iíve never said she canít work, go out, socialise or anything, ever. Quite the opposite (baring me working)

    How define empathy for me, in your words.

    I am a realist, neither a pessimist or optimist. My glass is as full as I or someone else decides to fill it.

    With her for 14 years and the first 6-7 years obviously there was love, but the following 7 years, not.

    I accept that if I leave I might die a very lonely old bitter man, do you think I want that, of course I donít. Everything I say, even negative towards her, is thought out to be generous in her favour. I honestly donít think she loves me deep down, I think she loves the security, money, stability and safeness of it all, but thatís no basis to build a happy life, is it.

  9. 11-21-2019, 07:30 PM

  10. #48
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds more like you're terrified of leaving and think her reaction to that news is the reason. What if, like you, she secretly hopes you disappear? Certainly she can sense your resentment, contempt and withdrawal? Unfortunately for all this time, 7 years, you've done nothing to either improve the marriage or dissolve it.

    Marriage therapy, not to stay married, but to have a neutral place to air things could be the first step. For example does she know you resent her being a stay at home mother? Or resent her for providing financial support? That way when you proceed to divorce half the emotional work is done and rather than continuing to live a lie and a sham, you both know where each other stands. Keep in mind she may be dying to get rid of you as well.
    Originally Posted by Tezbear
    I accept that if I leave I might die a very lonely old bitter man, do you think I want that, of course I donít. I honestly donít think she loves me deep down.

  11. #49
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    Letís be straight here - I do not, one bit resent her for not working or helping provide in a financial sense. She is a full time mum to 2 disabled kids. No easy task.

    I have asked her before to let me leave, I have asked her if she wants to split up, Iíve asked her if this or that can happen and the answer is always no, why, I think she is fearful of going alone, as thatís how she would see it. She wouldnít see the bigger picture that we can still be great parents, or that bills would still be paid etc..... I believe she is terrified of losing her direct support network.

    Itís a right mess of a situation, but there is simply no love anymore, from both sides I believe. Donít get me wrong, Iím terrified of leaving in that the costs of it, not being with my kids every night, losing friends and potentially having my name dragged through the mud, when all I have honestly ever tried to do is love, support, provide etc....

    Iím not perfect but Iíve never had an affair Iíve just let myself become miserable for years and years for the sake of the kids, but thatís not right either.

  12. #50
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Tes, just make an appointment with an attorney and tell her you want a divorce.

  13. 11-23-2019, 10:03 PM

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