Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 55

Thread: Leaving after 14 years......

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    271
    Gender
    Male
    Oh, we also stayed out of court...shared one mediator rather than paid two lawyers to fight each other...HIGHLY recommend the working together to come to mutually agreeable terms option if it is an option for you. Saved TONS of cash and minimized ill will that way.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    23
    In my heart Iíd love for her to meet someone else pretty quickly and move on, even if it is a rebound thing for her, but I know she will just sink in to the stages and stay in each one for ages, by stages I mean acceptance, blame, anger, guilt etc..... when she does this, how will this affect my kids, as I wonít be there to tell.

    I have been advised to plan everything as much as I can, like paying a few of the bills off for 2-3 months ahead, packing bits and bobs and moving them out when I can (she wouldnít notice)
    Taking the kids out for a meal and telling them first / then she canít use them against me when she is going hysterical etc....

    I know itís going to be the hardest thing in the world, for her, sad thing is, I am actually getting some relief and feel like a weight is being lifted, like I can see a light at the end of s dark tunnel, by planning the leaving. Is that bad.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,916
    Gender
    Female
    Why doesn't she financially support the household? The kids are old enough.

    With the guilt tripping and control, and the laziness, it's no wonder you're tired. I would leave her half the house and that's it. You earned the rest didn't you.

    Get custody of the kids, your wife probably won't be able to handle anything.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,916
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Tezbear
    In my heart Iíd love for her to meet someone else pretty quickly and move on, even if it is a rebound thing for her, but I know she will just sink in to the stages and stay in each one for ages, by stages I mean acceptance, blame, anger, guilt etc..... when she does this, how will this affect my kids, as I wonít be there to tell.

    I have been advised to plan everything as much as I can, like paying a few of the bills off for 2-3 months ahead, packing bits and bobs and moving them out when I can (she wouldnít notice)
    Taking the kids out for a meal and telling them first / then she canít use them against me when she is going hysterical etc....

    I know itís going to be the hardest thing in the world, for her, sad thing is, I am actually getting some relief and feel like a weight is being lifted, like I can see a light at the end of s dark tunnel, by planning the leaving. Is that bad.
    She's been making you feel miserable and stifled. And she's stopped being an equal a long time ago when she started relying on you for everything.

    You're not doing anything wrong.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    23
    Bit harsh honeycomb. As I said, 2 sides to every story, she did have a very low paid job 10+ years ago, and when kid 1 then kid 2 came along we didnít have any childcare and it didnít make financial sense for her to work, also both kids have ASD, so itís not easy for anyone.

    But on the flip side, yes, I work all day, come home and often cook, do housework, washing etc..... and I know full well she has been watching tv for hours on end.

    I donít hate her, she is the mother of my kids, but I donít love her anymore, and havnt for quite some years.

    Me leaving is decided, itís just how I do it and actually doing it.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    271
    Gender
    Male
    I would do some research on telling the kids before you say anything to her...

    Itís one thing if she attempts to make you look bad, use them against you, etc. You're a grownup and you can navigate...but back when I went through this the expert advice in the books I read was to present a united front to the kids and tell them together... Apparently children tend to feel less confused and disturbed when parents break the news together. Also, do you think thereís a chance your wife will feel resentful that she wasnít included in how itís handled with the children if you do it before she even knows herself?

    Of course only you know whatís best for your family but Iíd look into the current prevailing thoughts in this before you go and do anything unilaterally.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,723
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    When I finally left my own bad marriage I walked out the door with nothing but my clothes. Not a fork or even a towel, lol. Similar situation, the ex wife was a stay at home mom and completely dependent on me financially....I had come to a point in my life where ďstuffĒ was of absolutely no value to me so I just gave it all to her.

    I struggled BIG-TIME for a year but held fast to my principles and never missed a child or spousal support payment. Never flaked on my visits with the kids. Divorce is the hardest, most painful thing Iíve ever experienced...

    That said, Iím now almost seven years out and my life is full, and rich and incredibly satisfying. I ended up with full custody of the kids and working a job that provides everything we need. My ex, who was the stereotypical ďwoman spurnedĒ when I left, has put her life together in a very respectable and honorable way; she is fully self supporting and happier than Iíve ever known her to be. We get along GREAT and do family dinners and occasional outings together with the kids.

    I donít give advice but the things that helped me the most once my mind was made up to leave were:
    -Therapy
    -Regular, vigorous exercise
    -Holding fast to honesty, kindness and fulfilling my paternal responsibilities without exception.

    Leaving a marriage/relationship as long as yours isnít something people do lightly and make no mistake about it...itís difficult. But I share my experience to possibly give you a glimmer of hope that things can get better!
    This is a great outcome that seems to have come from a lot of hard work and approaching it in a selfless, responsible and empathetic way.

    OP this would be great advice for you to follow in the long run.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,401
    Gender
    Female
    Divorced after an 18 year marriage here, with two kids. It's all in the rear view window now.

    Imaging or fantasizing about what it might be like to leave is entirely different than the reality. I am just saying this so you are forewarned. Do not understate it.

    I remember the hate and resentment and though I didn't miss him for a flat minute, the divorce of my choice was grueling and life altering. My sincere wish is that we could have come together for the sake of the kids and the family, but that didn't happen for us.

    I chose divorce only after I put myself into to counseling. Much like your significant other, mine resisted going. After I had been going for a few months on my own, he agreed. I continued with my individual therapy and we together went to marriage counseling. I got a lot out of therapy, my ex just wanted to assign blame instead of working together.

    What that gave me was peace of mind. Even though I was devastated with the ending of our marriage, I will never look back with any second thoughts. I go to sleep every night with a clear conscience that I did everything possible thing in my power to save the marriage. My sons deserved that. There is no looking back for me. That to me is invaluable.

    I stayed in therapy through my divorce and some time after. It helped me navigate the changes and the emotions. It helped me parent and support my sons as we transitioned into separate households with separate parenting styles.

    Get yourself into therapy. Don't have any regrets. Besides, you might be surprised.

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    23
    Again great advice all, especially re the kids, but she will likely ask them to beg, cry and plead wit me to stay, rather than be united and accepting of the decision, even if she finds out a good few hours before.

    I donít dream or fantasise it will be easy, for me at all, as in Iíll probably only be able to afford to rent a room at a lodgings, rather than get my own place, or, if worst comes to worst, Iíll be sleeping in my vehicle, which isnít a nice thought.

    But there is never s right time, Iíve decided the dates I have quite methodically as being the best available time, even though there is never s right time lol

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,916
    Gender
    Female
    Not harsh when your wife is not contributing at all to the household. Since you work all day the least she could do is cook and clean. How does she spend her days? Just browsing the net and watching soap operas?

    Both people should be a team. You're taking of every role and she's just there doing nothing.

    Yes she's somewhat taking care of the kids, but she could have done so much more. Most people do.

Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •