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Thread: The person that won't go away

  1. #1
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    The person that won't go away

    Quick recap:

    I've been with my GF for almost 5 years. In the first year, she told me about a guy she had a brief relationship with a year prior (no sex according to her, fwiw) had reached out to her about coming to see him. He lives out of the country, central america (he's american and used to live local to us). I appreciated she shared that with me and it immediately built trust. Let's call this guy "mike"

    Fast forward a year later, she went out with her girlfriends. Come to find out, a friend of mine was at the same bar. She was with her gf's, but also some of their guys were there - and mike was there. She wasn't forthcoming, so I confronted her. Long story short, she un-friended him on social media, sent him a message that she was committed blah blah blah.

    Since then, it's been hard for me to trust her. I wish she just would have told me about it - or even better - called me to come down to hang out with them (other people's partners were there, after all - and we live 5 mins from the spot!). I've not been feeling great about things over the last few months. I made the classic mistake of looking at her phone. I feel terrible about it. I only looked at IG and found she had searched this guy recently.

    I'm struggling with this. I know to some it seems like nothing - but clearly she STILL thinks about this person. It wasn't like they had a long relationship - it was very brief. But after all these years - and the situations I described above, something's still there. As someone whose last relationship ended with infidelity, I feel like I need to end this. My trust has been broken again. Personally, I don't think it's harmless. She was thinking about him and was looking into what he was up to. I've had relationships before and have no desire to do such things. I can only imagine someone doing that if there were still feelings.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She may not be over him. Even though she acquiesced to your demands on the surface she still has a thing for him. You can tell her to unfriend him but you can't change how she feels. Now that you know how she feels, you'll have to decide if staying with her is worth your while. The combination of your baggage and her crush/friendship is a recipe for hurt and disaster.
    Originally Posted by trvekvlt
    I've been with my GF for almost 5 years. He lives out of the country, central america. Let's call this guy "mike"

    Fast forward a year later - and mike was there. I confronted her. Long story short, she un-friended him on social media, sent him a message that she was committed blah blah blah.

    I've not been feeling great about things over the last few months. As someone whose last relationship ended with infidelity, I feel like I need to end this.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What is she showing you? That her ethics are different than yours. That an ego boost and attention from an old flame is worth more to her than risking the serious relationship she's in.

    After reading your timeline, this incident happened a whole 3 years ago? If she's still searching his name after 5 years with you, then one can only guess either she feels like there is something missing from your relationship, or she's too young to be in a serious relationship and is not done sowing her wild oats, or she will always be this way--seeking out guilty pleasures is how she rolls.

    After 5 whole years together, if you don't feel 100 percent confidence in moving forward together, then yes, it's probably not the right relationship for you.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm confused.

    So what you're talking about—Mike reaching out, followed by this bar moment—all happened 3 plus years ago? What happened over the past few months to trigger the jitters that led to the snooping? I just can't help but feel there is more going on here, that something has happened, or been happening, to erode your trust and ability to communicate.

    Point being: Had you found no evidence of anything I just don't see the situation being any better, as the snooping is already a sign that trust and communication are no longer pillars of the relationship, that you are more interested in proving one hypothesis (that she is a sinner) than another (that you two are good together). Or perhaps you're just wanting to end a relationship that has gone stagnant after 5 years, and looking for a reason? Do you feel like something critical is missing inside the relationship?

    You know her better than us, and of course you know how you feel. In a vacuum, I don't see internet and social media searches as glaring evidence of anything but human curiosity. It can be "more" than that, of course, but it can also not. Snooping, on the other hand, is very much evidence of distrust, suspicion, and a desire to find comfort in control—things that generally don't bode well for romantic harmony.

    Can you explain a bit more about how she was "not forthcoming" about Mike being at the bar?

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm confused.

    So what you're talking about—Mike reaching out, followed by this bar moment—all happened 3 plus years ago? What happened over the past few months to trigger the jitters that led to the snooping? I just can't help but feel there is more going on here, that something has happened, or been happening, to erode your trust and ability to communicate.

    Point being: Had you found no evidence of anything I just don't see the situation being any better, as the snooping is already a sign that trust and communication are no longer pillars of the relationship, that you are more interested in proving one hypothesis (that she is a sinner) than another (that you two are good together). Or perhaps you're just wanting to end a relationship that has gone stagnant after 5 years, and looking for a reason? Do you feel like something critical is missing inside the relationship?

    You know her better than us, and of course you know how you feel. In a vacuum, I don't see internet and social media searches as glaring evidence of anything but human curiosity. It can be "more" than that, of course, but it can also not. Snooping, on the other hand, is very much evidence of distrust, suspicion, and a desire to find comfort in control—things that generally don't bode well for romantic harmony.

    Can you explain a bit more about how she was "not forthcoming" about Mike being at the bar?
    Thank you for your reply. You hit some good questions.

    I've been feeling like she hasn't prioritized the relationship. This started about 6 months ago. Rarely does she "make time" for me - yet always makes time for friends. I've communicated my feelings on this to her. Sadly, I've only seen her continue down this path rather than respond by showing some effort and attention. I don't need much - I just need to feel important to my partner - and not like I'm the backup option when there's nothing else going on.

    I think you're right - I'm not happy and I must be looking for something to get me over edge to break things off. Yes, it feels stagnant. I feel I'm almost always the one making the effort to keep things fresh and alive. She's become somewhat boring and complacent. I feel taken for granted - almost always the one cooking, cleaning, paying double the rent she does, generally being a responsible adult and partner.

    I feel terrible about the snooping - but on the other hand it, in some ways, did provide some context that I never fully trusted her after she wasn't forthcoming about him being at the bar. One thing I failed to mention was that he sent her a message that night, how good it was to see her, kiss emoji. I didn't snoop to see this - I was using her ipad, watching a movie and the notification popped up. Like I said, I don't think I fully trusted her ever since. I was hoping, with time, this would be rebuilt - and now this. to me, better to know than not know that she still thinks of him. You're right, had I found nothing I would likely feel little different as I just haven't been feeling "safe" in the relationship.

    As for not being forthcoming, she said she was with her gf's. That's a half truth. My values - if I was in that exact situation, I would have either a) removed myself from the situation entirely or b) call/text her that it's more of an open hangout, invite her down, but be clear that someone who had been pursuing me was there

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You've outlined quite a few reasons to end it with her. Even one of those reasons would be enough. You sound very unhappy.
    But I too feel that her bringing this man back into the picture, was a huge red flag and one that shouldn't be ignored.

    Perhaps she's feeling like things are stagnant too and is looking to him now to fill the void.
    She definitely didn't forget about him and is willing to risk your relationship over him.

    I really do think that by all you've said that this relationship is unfortunately winding down.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. Can I ask how old you guys are?

    From what you've written it just sounds like a relationship that has run its course. Five years is a long time, and if you're not confident in where things are and where things are going—well, that's kind of the definition of stagnant. You can try to communicate that again, if you're not quite ready to part ways, or you can choose to part ways, accepting that the turbulence you feel is not conducive to being in a relationship.

    At the end of the day we all need to feel "safe" inside our relationship. You don't, haven't. That is the main problem, and it sounds like the crack in the foundation was never adequately dealt with. She might feel something similar. I'm reluctant to ascribe much meaning to her searches, as I don't think someone tossing the name of an ex into a social media search engine is an automatic sign of the apocalypse. Could mean something, could mean nothing.

    Unhappiness, on the other hand, is simply unhappiness. There is always far more power and security in being honest about our own feelings than turning into detectives trying to figure out the feelings of another.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this. Can I ask how old you guys are?

    From what you've written it just sounds like a relationship that has run its course. Five years is a long time, and if you're not confident in where things are and where things are going—well, that's kind of the definition of stagnant. You can try to communicate that again, if you're not quite ready to part ways, or you can choose to part ways, accepting that the turbulence you feel is not conducive to being in a relationship.

    At the end of the day we all need to feel "safe" inside our relationship. You don't, haven't. That is the main problem, and it sounds like the crack in the foundation was never adequately dealt with. She might feel something similar. I'm reluctant to ascribe much meaning to her searches, as I don't think someone tossing the name of an ex into a social media search engine is an automatic sign of the apocalypse. Could mean something, could mean nothing.

    Unhappiness, on the other hand, is simply unhappiness. There is always far more power and security in being honest about our own feelings than turning into detectives trying to figure out the feelings of another.

    41 (me) and 37 (her). We co-habitate and both have kids.

    I hear you on "the search" - but if this person is truly in the past - and the relationship never even reached a certain point anyway - it tells me that there's *something* going through her mind about him. He lives 3000 miles away - so it's not like someone she sees out and about. To me, there's something there, even if nothing has or will happen - something that - despite our previous conversations about how this makes me feel - she still thinks of this person and clearly isn't completely fulfilled with our relationship. I don't think of my exes or other women, but lately - more and more - I look at other couples and other people and wonder what I am missing out on. I did notice that the search happened while me and her had a "romantic getaway" airbnb retreat, initiated by me to rekindle things.

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    "There is always far more power and security in being honest about our own feelings than turning into detectives trying to figure out the feelings of another."

    Thank you for THIS. So obvious, yet something I can really relate to in this moment.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok at some level you know that "Mike" is just a symbol of all that is wrong in this union. It sounds a bit like trying to find reasons to go outside the relationship, from "she's become boring" to "she lied 3 yrs ago" . Are you ready to move out? Or do you wish to rekindle things? Would couples therapy help?. Stop focusing on "Mike" and focus on going to couples therapy or starting the process of severing your union.
    Originally Posted by trvekvlt
    41 (me) and 37 (her). We co-habitate and both have kids.

    He lives 3000 miles away - so it's not like someone she sees out and about. lately - more and more - I look at other couples and other people and wonder what I am missing out on.

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