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Thread: The person that won't go away

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I did notice that the search happened while me and her had a "romantic getaway" airbnb retreat, initiated by me to rekindle things.
    I'm so sorry. :(

    That's truly terrible.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you back. Glad to be of some help.

    Regardless of what that "something" behind her search is or might be, it sounds like you very much have a "something" of your own: the looking at other couples, longing for something you're not getting. That's human, as is how we deal with that.

    While I'm not trying to excuse or minimize her own behavior, I'm trying—per the above—to nudge you to find power and stability right now by acknowledging your own feelings (and how they've been handled over the years) rather than looking for cracks in her own, along with moral transgressions, since the power you get from that is illusory. I just can't help but think there is some projection going on: that you see in her search (and in this guy) an extension of something you're also reckoning with—a feeling of disconnect, a longing for something more, something else.

    So, yeah, you can zoom out on all of this and go: ugh, the end. You can also "blame" the end on her and draw it all back to Mike and that night at the bar. But if you're not ready for that—and, in ways, even if you are—I think you have to see this in a bigger picture: two people in a relationship where they don't quite feel safe or satisfied and have not figured out a way to address that together, actively and productively. Snooping, of course, is passive—as is searching for an ex when you're feeling lonely. Same coin, different sides. A "romantic getaway" to "rekindle things" can also be passive, if that narrative exists only in one mind. Was that the shared intention of that trip?

    Were I to try to tell a story with the facts you've provided it would be that each of you has contributed to a missing brick or two required for building a "safe" castle in which you can each feel secure. Time is weight, weight exerts pressure, and today those missing bricks in the foundation are being felt. That would be the story that would provide me with a sense of security, in your shoes, so then I could calmly ask the hard question of: Do I believe there is a way to address those missing bricks, together, or do I believe the only honest way to address them is separating?

    Mike is just a random dude, 3,000 miles away, who has been given outsized mental symbolism, perhaps in both your minds. He is not the poison, in short, but the symptom of something that you guys have not figured out how to properly treat.

  3. #13
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    You've given me much to think about with this. It hits deep - and with precision. For that, I am grateful.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you back. Glad to be of some help.

    Regardless of what that "something" behind her search is or might be, it sounds like you very much have a "something" of your own: the looking at other couples, longing for something you're not getting. That's human, as is how we deal with that.

    While I'm not trying to excuse or minimize her own behavior, I'm trying—per the above—to nudge you to find power and stability right now by acknowledging your own feelings (and how they've been handled over the years) rather than looking for cracks in her own, along with moral transgressions, since the power you get from that is illusory. I just can't help but think there is some projection going on: that you see in her search (and in this guy) an extension of something you're also reckoning with—a feeling of disconnect, a longing for something more, something else.

    So, yeah, you can zoom out on all of this and go: ugh, the end. You can also "blame" the end on her and draw it all back to Mike and that night at the bar. But if you're not ready for that—and, in ways, even if you are—I think you have to see this in a bigger picture: two people in a relationship where they don't quite feel safe or satisfied and have not figured out a way to address that together, actively and productively. Snooping, of course, is passive—as is searching for an ex when you're feeling lonely. Same coin, different sides. A "romantic getaway" to "rekindle things" can also be passive, if that narrative exists only in one mind. Was that the shared intention of that trip?

    Were I to try to tell a story with the facts you've provided it would be that each of you has contributed to a missing brick or two required for building a "safe" castle in which you can each feel secure. Time is weight, weight exerts pressure, and today those missing bricks in the foundation are being felt. That would be the story that would provide me with a sense of security, in your shoes, so then I could calmly ask the hard question of: Do I believe there is a way to address those missing bricks, together, or do I believe the only honest way to address them is separating?

    Mike is just a random dude, 3,000 miles away, who has been given outsized mental symbolism, perhaps in both your minds. He is not the poison, in short, but the symptom of something that you guys have not figured out how to properly treat.
    You've given me much to think about with this. It hits deep - and with precision. For that, I am grateful.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Happy to help.

    Questions: Since that long ago night at the bar, has Mike come up in conversations, either brought up by her or by you? And are your children’s lives intertwined?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Happy to help.

    Questions: Since that long ago night at the bar, has Mike come up in conversations, either brought up by her or by you? And are your children’s lives intertwined?
    Sadly, it has. Not by her - but by me. Once in a counseling session. It came up another time when we had a disagreement over (in my view) her lack of empathy(?) when I reasonably expected her to be home for dinner and she did not communicate to me where she was or when she'd be home. She had a sports game - I assumed she'd be home right after - she then stayed for a second game, then went out for drinks after that. the tie in with Mike was that she was supposed be having a "girls night". Once that wasn't the case - and some of their SO's were there (some of which have become my friends by extension), I felt hurt that I wasn't told and invited to come down too!

    Unfortunately, this type of thing hasn't been super rare for her. I'd say a few times a year. It happened most recently just this past saturday. Each time, I believe what she's telling me - at least in regards to where she is etc. Given how things have been going, it's getting hard to not be more suspicious. Very similar behavior from my last relationship - and it turned out to be infidelity. On that topic, it's hard not to think I've enabled this behavior - but I've been quite clear each time what we should expect from each other on this. It's starting to feel like ending it is the only solution. Now that I think about it, while I didn't realize at the moment, this is why I felt compelled to look at her phone.

    Yes, kids all live with us half the time, same schedule. Same school. They all get along really great since day one.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm not saying this is the case, but I have heard that we attract certain people based on being broken ourselves, or (some parts within us).

    You keep attracting women who are not faithful. That might, in part, be something you are unconsciously attracting or as you say, enabling.
    Perhaps there is a deeper part of you that recognizes the traits or did recognize the traits from your ex and seen them in this woman due to not being healed.

    Maybe it's a type of self fulfilling prophecy, expecting someone to cheat on you so you choose partners who are unfaithful.
    You do recognize the behaviors, and yet you continue to look past it or try to justify it.

    You do sound as though you have trust issues and no one would blame you seeing as you've been cheated on.
    But it could be more than just bad luck that you've had two gf's back to back who are not faithful.

    I'm not saying this is 100% the case, but it might be something to consider.

    As for this relationship, I do feel it's gotten too far off track to fix, based on the information you've given so far.
    Though no one knows for sure, expect for you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not surprised—and, being honest, I figured you were the one brining him up more than her.

    Was that the case before the bar night, or only after? I ask because I'm getting the impression that you carry a lot of hurt from your last relationship, and maybe, as Sherry noted, carried that hurt into this one a bit in the form of a suspicious edge. Whether that hurt carried you to connect to someone who is inherently untrustworthy or whether it preconditioned you to be incapable of trusting someone—well, that I'm not totally sure of.

    It's a bit like seeing trust as a test that someone must pass, rather than a thing you build together, with "Mike" representing a failure of that test. He's the thing you can find a certain form of comfort in (the comfort in not trusting her/women) at the expense of a deeper form of comfort (trusting her/women). I'm just riffing, of course, hoping to help you see it all clearly so you can make whatever choice you need to make with clear eyes.

    Can you say more about how you feel you've enabled this behavior, or what you meant by that? Do you mean someone being secretive?

  10. #19
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    I'm not saying this is the case, but I have heard that we attract certain people based on being broken ourselves, or (some parts within us).

    You keep attracting women who are not faithful. That might, in part, be something you are unconsciously attracting or as you say
    This is something I read about a while back but the context was domestic violence and the question had been put forward * why do I keep attracting violence * ( you know I am a believer of the laws of the universe so it was that kind of reading )
    Anyway ...the response made sense ( to me ) .... we attract what we put out there the most , our thoughts and the whole be careful what you wish for . In the case of this person they didn't want to attract a partner who was violent again ..so they put every ounce of their energy into thinking they don't want that voilence , and thinking about violence and mulling over their violent past etc etc ..basically every waking moment regarding a mate was based around violence .....guess what they got ! Makes perfect sense , but of course not everyone does believe in what I do . Fair enough .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear about all this. I had an ex that cheated on me also and the subsequent relationship after that was broken from the start. Or rather I was broken and he was mean. Really mean. It didn't work out. Later on I met my husband who knew about my past and accepted and loved me anyway and whose love made up for all the things I experienced before. I also grew stronger over time and learned to trust and love myself in ways that I learned no one else can ever do for me.

    I'd be wary of looking for trust and love when you can't trust and love yourself either. Give yourself a chance to grow strong again. If she's not right for you, it's not the end of the world. Look on the positive side as much as possible and give yourself more hope for your own future. You owe it to yourself, I think.

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