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Should I move back to Ireland?


Daffodil77

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. He says he loves me, never wants to leave me etc...

 

My background is this: I moved back to my home country 18 months ago after having lived in Ireland for several years. I have a 9 year old daughter who's half Irish. Father isn't in the picture.

 

Now my boyfriend says he wants to move back (with me) to Ireland in around 2/3 years time and definitely doesn't see himself living in my home country for the rest of his life as it's too small and over-populated.

 

I am a bit hesitant about moving again mainly because of my daughter, but then I don't want to lose him. Myself and my daughter currently live with my parents.

 

I know you're thinking it's still too early to think about these things, but at the same time I don't want to set myself for heartbreak a few years down the line.

 

What are your views? Am I being selfish towards my daughter if I decide to move given it's the country where she was raised ?

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I would do what is practical economically such as your employment situation, your daughter's schooling, saving money by living with your parents and having family nearby for support. I would do what makes logical sense because survival comes first.

 

If you can work around your circumstances regarding where you live, then great. If not, your boyfriend has obvious lower priority. Bread 'n butter concerns come first, Daffodil77.

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Are you from an Eastern European country? I assume it must be an EU member state if you can apparently move to Ireland at will.

 

I concur with Cherylyn... I would only consider the move if you can get an equally good job in Ireland as compared to your home country, and I don't mean just money-wise. For example a white collar job in your home country might pay less than scrubbing dishes in Ireland, but then living costs in Ireland will reflect that, and you could end up living in rough neighbourhoods that do not provide a safe and healthy environment for your daughter to grow up in.

 

Your daughter should be your priority. Where would she have the safest and best conditions to grow up happy, healthy and confident. She is 9 years old, that is a very adaptable age for a child, so you do not have to worry about language or schooling. But you should be mindful of the consequences of losing the support network of extended family and potentially a higher status in society (immigrants tend to end up in lower-paid jobs in the West).

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Why did you move back to your home country in the first place?

 

I am a mother and I would certainly advocate what Cherylyn is saying. I am actually glad that is the route I took (been in this situation before). I have no regrets at all. I am financially independent now, my kids are as successful as every parent want their child to be - God fearing, employed, degree holders and family loving. To me, that is the inner peace that gives us parents good night's sleep.

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If you have no job (unemployed or working part time), no savings and would be dependent on your boyfriend to provide for you and your child don't move.

 

Does your boyfriend get along with your parents or is it an icy or cold-shouldered relationship? Do your parents know you're dating? The situation seems very peculiar (too many blanks need to be filled in).

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You call it "my home country" and not "our home country." Where exactly is your bf's home country? Is this a local dating situation or long distance?

 

No, it's not too early to have a discussion of where each of you want to live in the long run. If you can't come up with a consensus on a place you'll both be happy living, it's best to cut things off in the infatuation stage. Never move on with someone who differs with you in such a major way. I know that when I first started dating my husband, he would say how much he missed living in a place with four seasons. (He hadn't lived in a state like that for 20 years.) I told him I never plan on living where it snows so if that was his ultimate plan, then maybe we shouldn't date. Turned out he was just talking the talk and never meant to walk the walk.

 

Does your bf even know the reality of what jobs he could acquire, if any, in Ireland? Did you work there? I know in the U.S. federal gov't there are people who work preclearance in Dublin airports for customs and agriculture, and was told their spouses who go with them for their 3 to 5 years stints can't get jobs over there because the few jobs they have are saved for Ireland's own citizens.

 

I'd write a pros and cons list for each decision. Writing it out might give you more clarity. If all of the pros are geared to staying put, I wouldn't sacrifice anything for a person I'd only known 6 months. Without a dad in the picture, I'm assuming the love from your parents is paramount for your daughter, and it's so great they can be with her daily to watch her grow and for her to feel the wonderful love the average grandparent showers onto a grandchild.

 

My grandfathers both died before I was born and I really envied others who had the experience of that kind of love, since my dad was in a bad mood most of the time when I was growing up. If your father is loving, that one permanent male figure in your daughter's life is something you should encourage and strive to maintain for her.

 

If your bf can't understand that it's not just your happiness you need to consider when making decisions, then he's not worth moving forward with.

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Yes I'm pretty sure both of us would get jobs

I'm more worried re high rent. C. 50% of income plus family support for my daughter who would be c 12 years old if I decide to move to Ireland. I cannot mention country as small enough so might not remain anonymous. Boyfriend is from Cyprus. We both worked in Ireland in the past.

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Yes I'm pretty sure both of us would get jobs

I'm more worried re high rent. C. 50% of income plus family support for my daughter who would be c 12 years old if I decide to move to Ireland. I cannot mention country as small enough so might not remain anonymous. Boyfriend is from Cyprus. We both worked in Ireland in the past.

 

You gave enough away to deduce that you are Polish.

And now that a Cypriot in Poland is dating a local with a 9 year old daughter narrows that down even more.

Plus the fact that you left Ireland 18 months ago, the father is Irish , tells us that you moved to Ireland 10+ years ago, about the time when many Polish moved there and took advantage of the boom.

 

I’m sure there are many in your situation so you still remain anonymous. Just narrowed it down somewhat.

 

I don’t think you should move to Ireland.

I think you should let your daughter grow up with family around. That’s more important.

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If you need your family around for emotional, practical, economic and other support, do what's best for you and your daughter. He is talking way to far in the future for someone you've dated 24 weeks. If this new bf doesn't like your home country why is he there? Why doesn't he go back to Cypress?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. I moved back to my home country 18 months ago after having lived in Ireland for several years. I have a 9 year old daughter who's half Irish.

Now my boyfriend says he wants to move back (with me) to Ireland in around 2/3 years time and definitely doesn't see himself living in my home country for the rest of his life. Myself and my daughter currently live with my parents.

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I would plant myself wherever it's best for my child to grow up, and whoever wants to come or go 'around' that would not be a factor in that choice. Either my relationship with a man grows to matter enough for him to plant roots with me, or not. If not, then I'd allow him to pass early. I would not allow anyone who hasn't established himself as permanent to interact with my child, because she already has a dad who has ditched her. I would not raise her to believe that adult relationships are disposable, so I'd shield her from my dates unless and until I plan to marry.

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You need more time than this to figure out if this man is worth it or not.

 

You have endured an abusive relationship and that no doubt was very traumatizing. It sounds like more time is needed to make a big decision like this.

 

As for your daughter, she does come first. And being home with family, sounds far more stable and healthy for her right now.

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honestly, you dated this guy 6 months. Don't think about moving anywhere. You could break up before the year is out. or you might be together. in 2-3 years he will know and you will know if you want to marry eachother. I would not move anywhere as a girlfriend - only as a wife - but for now, you stay with your family and raise your daughter. If he breaks up with you because you can't know what you wlll do in 2-3 years then so be it. But if he is truly someone who wants to marry you, he will and then you will move when its best or your daughter at the age that is best or you may decide to move somewhere else.

 

this guy has not even met your family - so the relationship isn't even serious at this point

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  • 2 weeks later...

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about losing him over this. You're so early on in the relationship, and even this circumstance is hypothetically taking place a few years in the future. I'd wait and see, these things have a way of working themselves out:) Wish you all the best!

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